InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Use the force, Harry."

Clint Barton (antivillain_) wrote in avengers_net,
@ 2018-07-28 21:13:00

Entry tags:

- network, bobbi morse, clint barton, steve rogers, tony stark, wanda maximoff

[open video]
Yo. I'm here.

[Waves the beer bottle in his hand vaguely in the direction of the camera.]

Tell me some jokes.

Here, I'll start.

Three men 're playing golf.

First one's wearing shepherd's robes 'n' hits the ball with a crook. Ball goes into a water trap. He parts the water and hits the ball out.

Second one's wearing white robes. He hits the ball, it also goes into the water trap, he walks on the water and hits it back out.

Third one's got white robes and a long white beard. He hits the ball without looking. It bounces off three trees, lands on the wrong part of the green; a turtle picks it up in its mouth, a hawk scoops up the turtle, and while they're flying over, the turtle drops the ball and it sinks a hole in one.

First guy says to the second, "Dude, I hate playing with your dad."

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the_iron_man
2018-07-29 08:01 am UTC (link)

A bus full of ugly people had a head-on collision with a truck.

When they died, God granted all of them one wish.

The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened.

The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This went on and on throughout the group.

God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground.

When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

(Reply to this) (Thread)

	the_iron_man 2018-07-29 10:24 am UTC (link)
	Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?" Student: "A drinking problem." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	antivillain_ 2018-07-29 02:15 pm UTC (link)
	Other student: "Friggin' ginormous hands." A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "Five drinks, please." Hey, Tony. We all friends again? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

the_iron_man
2018-07-29 06:22 pm UTC (link)

Point.

Hey, Clint. Yeah. Here's where I admit I effed up. I pissed off Ross and ended up there too for a hot second. Caw caw, jail buddy.

Friends if you are. We've got bigger fish to fry. Speaking of?

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	antivillain_ 2018-07-29 10:08 pm UTC (link)
	Y'know what, Ton'… I blame Vision. And Widow. They're the ones supposed to be able to see into the core of a person's thoughts and feelings and do something about 'em, right? Apply one therapist and we all could've avoided trying to punch our way out. […that joke, of all of them, leaves him speechless. He finally just pops another bottletop.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	the_iron_man 2018-07-29 10:45 pm UTC (link)
	Yeah, but then there's whole invasive thing, and it gets awkward. There's probably a whole human resources thing about peeking into people's minds, and legal would want their pound of flesh. So can't really blame them, like, at all. We're good. Whatever issues we got, probably better left on a back-burner until they simmer down. You need anything, Legolas? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	antivillain_ 2018-07-29 11:12 pm UTC (link)
	…a mission. Could be good. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	[private] the_iron_man 2018-07-29 11:38 pm UTC (link)
	I get it. Sometimes keeping busy is all we got. I've been coordinating intel with Fury. There's been some Chitauri backend tech weapons going around, possibly Hammer Industries development, leaked out into the black market. Fury and Morse are on that, if you want a lead. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	[private] antivillain_ 2018-07-30 04:45 am UTC (link)
	Fury's here? Yeah, I could try to help with that. Meanwhile, if I'm Legolas, guess I gotta work out who else is who. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

[private]

the_iron_man
2018-07-30 04:55 am UTC (link)

Yeah. Fury got dragged over too. Since there was some problems with those weapons getting aimed at us, I'm throwing money and supplies at Fury so he can do a small scale kickstart of SHIELD again. I suspect Ross or some other asshat in the government, but without any paper-trails to follow, hard to prove.

Fury's on the network so you can hook up with him or talk to Bobbi Morse.

Waitaminute. Are we codenaming everyone off of Lord of the Rings? Dibs on Aragorn and Pep's Arwen! She's Elven looking.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	[private] antivillain_ 2018-07-30 04:57 am UTC (link)
	Was gonna give you Boromir but that's sickeningly sweet enough to earn it. So Fury's Gandalf. You're Aragorn. Pepper's Arwen. The question is: who is Gimli. I mean he's a redhead in the film but… (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	[private] the_iron_man 2018-07-30 05:20 am UTC (link)
	Nat would kill us if we gave her that codename. I won't tell if you don't. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	[private] antivillain_ 2018-07-30 05:45 am UTC (link)
	No fear. Anyway. If we're Legolas and Gimli, she's really the elf anyway. [He's actually smiling a bit.] How 'bout I get back to you. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	[private] the_iron_man 2018-07-30 05:54 am UTC (link)
	Sounds good to me. But! Now that I'm thinking about it, no one wants to tangle with her. She should be Sauron. Delete these vid comments. If she sees it, I'm going to go to sleep and she'll ninja in and I'll never wake up again. That means no more rocket rides to the rooftops for you. (Reply to this) (Parent)

antivillain_
2018-07-29 02:17 pm UTC (link)

A director, an actor, and a stage manager find a bottle with a genie inside. The genie says, "I'll give you one wish each."

The director says, "I wish I was accepting a prestigious award for my independent work." The genie snaps her fingers and the director vanishes to Cannes.

The actor says, "I wish I was famously successful and rich." The genie snaps her fingers and the actor vanishes to Malibu.

The stage manager looks at her watch. "I need them both back here in five minutes."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	the_iron_man 2018-07-29 08:34 pm UTC (link)
	Man: "Hey baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not enter." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	antivillain_ 2018-07-29 10:06 pm UTC (link)
	Man bumps into a woman in a hotel elevator. They stare at each other then laugh. Man says, "I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." Woman says, "If your penis is hard as your elbow, I'm in room 114." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

the_iron_man
2018-07-29 10:45 pm UTC (link)

Ha! Niiiiiiiice.

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

antivillain_
2018-07-29 11:15 pm UTC (link)

An elderly man marries a very young woman but he can't satisfy her in bed. He confides in a friend who says, "Hey I know a folk remedy for this. Hire a young man to stand next to the bed and wave a towel over you." The old man does that but it doesn't work. He tells his friend so. The friend says, "Yeah, that happens sometimes. Try switching places." So the young man gets into bed with the wife while the old man waves the towel. The wife has orgasm after orgasm, and the old man shouts in triumph, "See? That's how you wave a towel!"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	the_iron_man 2018-07-29 11:40 pm UTC (link)
	A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?" (Reply to this) (Parent)

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