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Tweak says, "EAT THE MEAT"

Nymphadora Tonks (nymphadarling) wrote in wished,
@ 2010-02-09 15:25:00

Entry tags:

!1998: 02, !complete, nymphadora tonks, remus lupin

Who: Nymphadora Tonks and Remus Lupin
What: Trying to mend bridges
When: Backdated to Monday afternoon, after classes
Where: Tonks's office in Hogwarts
Rating: Probably mid-level for language

The weekend had been hellish for Tonks. While she wasn't big as a house yet, she was getting uncomfortably large, and sleeping was already becoming an issue. Add in her impending conversation with Remus and the realisation that he had in fact not cheating on Sirius with her, or her with Sirius, and her mind was a mess.

She wanted to forgive him for it, but there had been so much anger behind breaking up that she had a difficult time swallowing it all so quickly. One mulligan, she thought, for kissing George. If he really did value her as a partner and being in the baby's life without the mess of separating--but even if he did say he wanted another go at it, how could she trust that he meant it?

He'd told her. He'd been up front and honest with her about it, and she had to take that into consideration. He could have lied or never mentioned it to her at all, and he hadn't. That meant something, too.

But what if she forgave him and the whole bloody thing happened all over again? What if this was just Remus's way of saying he wanted out, and he was too afraid to tell her now that he knew about the baby?

By the time Monday afternoon came, she was a wreck. She'd been able to hide it for the most part during her classes, and she'd catnapped during lunch, but her nerves were quickly getting the better of her as four o'clock approached. She had no idea how this conversation was going to go, but she did know that the baby's health and welfare came first. Until they had that figured out, there was nothing that was more important.

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wolfylupin
2010-02-17 08:56 am UTC (link)

"Think about it, Tonks. Do you really trust me? I can't say why I did it for sure. But you'll always wonder. If you can trust me. If I'm out late, if I go have a pint with someone. And I wouldn't blame you. I'd wonder the same thing." Remus shook his head. "That's my reason, and maybe it's not one you understand, or agree with. But it's what I think I have to do. At least for now. It IS our son's future. And ours." Remus shook his head. "I love you, but I think diving back into anything but friendship is just. . ." Remus hesitated, searching for a word that wasn't settling, "rushing," he finished finally. "You're upset, and there's a child. If there wasn't, do you really think we'd be talking about getting together again right away, after all that happened, and with all that's going on?"

Remus looked down at his clasped hands. "I want to help raise and be a father to our child. I want to help you, and be there for you, regardless of our status. But for now - that's all I want for us, Tonks. It's just. . ." Safer, he started to say, and then changed his mind. "Prudent."

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nymphadarling
2010-02-17 09:24 am UTC (link)

"Yes," she said without hesitation. "I trust you. If you hadn't told me what happened, then it would be a different story. People make mistakes, especially when copious amounts of alcohol are involved. You didn't sleep with anyone else, you didn't have any kind of relationship--you snogged. I won't pretend to be thrilled about it, but it isn't reason enough to end this. I told you, that's not why I called things off."

Frustrated, she ran her fingers through her hair and leaned back in her chair. "This hurts enough as it is," she said, struggling to keep her voice steady. "The looks I get, the comments I hear that they think I don't--everyone is already asking so bloody much of me. Quit my career to teach and watch over the kids. Have a baby and be a mum in the middle of a war when I never planned on having children, let alone before--getting married or the war ending. Pretend that I don't know most of my students and the staff here think I'm some sort of--every awful word you can think of for a woman. Ignore what I want and do what someone else wants me to do. I am miserable, Remus, and I'm exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally--everything is going wrong, and right now I desperately need something to go right."

Tonks felt utterly pathetic, sitting there as she teetered on the brink of begging. If she thought he didn't love her or didn't want to be with her, she would never, but she was certain he was doing it for the same old song-and-dance reasons they'd gone through a dozen times before. She didn't know what to say or do to convince him it didn't matter to her that she hadn't already repeated over and over again. Burying her face in her hands for a moment, she took a deep breath before looking up at him again, her eyes rimmed with red.

"Everyone's asking so bloody much of me right now," she repeated softly. "I don't know if I can just...go back to being friends. Before, I think so, but not now. I can't do this on my own. I'm not asking you to move in with me or--marry me or anything. We don't have to shag. We don't even have to snog if you're more comfortable with that. But I can't flip a switch inside of me to 'friends'. It doesn't work that way, and the hurt of trying to be your friend on top of everything else right now--I don't think I can take it. Please," she all but whispered. "Don't do that to me. What's prudent for you will be agony for me."

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wolfylupin
2010-02-17 11:05 am UTC (link)

Remus frowned. "I'm sorry. God knows I never meant to make you miserable - but does that really sound like the right reason to you? Because of what people think, and because you need something to go right? If we were meant to go right, I think we would have. Don't you?"

He felt horrible. For all of it. And part of him just wanted to gather her in his arms and tell her that yes, they should be together and forget. . . but. There was always a but, or a reason, or an exception. Nothing had ever been simple, and Remus didn't want to fix something in the moment only to have it be worse in the long run. More painful, harder, more complicated.

"You don't have to switch anything, Tonks. I can't really either. We can take time, see where we stand, and go from there." And maybe fix whatever it was that was broken between them that let them get this far gone, this quickly. Or find out that it couldn't be done. Remus' nature and experience made him think the latter was more likely. But a part of him couldn't help but hope for the former, too.

He gave in, reaching to take her hand at least. "I'm sorry, Tonks. Let's not call it friends then - though I'd like to think we were and can be that, too. Let's just take time to think things through better, and pretend we're. . . starting again? And see where it goes and talk about it on the way. Does that sound. . . livable?"

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nymphadarling
2010-02-17 11:28 am UTC (link)

"It has nothing to do with what other people think," she nearly burst. "I only meant--none of this is easy for either of us, but at least you don't have a scarlet letter growing in your abdomen. On top of everything else, it doesn't help matters, that's all." She shook her head, fighting back tears. He was determined to find every imaginary loophole and nonexistent excuse. "Things are meant to be because we make them be," she said in a small voice. "It doesn't happen any other way."

She leaned forward and buried her face in her hands again, trying to keep it together. This wouldn't have been an easy conversation under the best of circumstances, but with the past month she'd had combined with the hormones she fought like mad to suppress day in and day out, it was testing every bit of her self-control.

She knew that no matter how hard she fought, she wasn't going to get a better answer, and at least he wasn't pushing for just friends anymore. It was a step up, but it was still a devastating blow that so far she'd been able to avoid through thinking he'd done the unforgivable and, after discovering he hadn't, hope. So she nodded, not trusting herself to speak. It wasn't much more than an umbrella in the middle of a hurricane, but at least it was something.

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wolfylupin
2010-02-18 12:02 am UTC (link)

Remus gave her a brief smile. "Mine's more of a scarlet moon-shape." He'd been branded a wolf his whole life after all, unless he hid it. But he understood what she meant. "You're not branded by anything, and those who say you are are stuck in a past age that was ridiculous, even then."

He'd like to believe she was right, that fate was what they made of it. But he wasn't sure he entirely believed it. Perhaps it was a series of events that led to where they were now - but there was a Prophecy about Harry, and a million little oddities that had to add up in the right way - or the wrong way - to lead to things as they were now. It felt like fate played its hand too, still. For better or for worse.

He reached out automatically to thread his fingers through her hair and try to offer some comfort, misplaced or not. He hated to see her unhappy. But he stopped just shy of touching, drawing his hand back. "It will get better," he offered, trying for an optimism he didn't really feel. "And whatever happens between us, you won't have to go through this alone. You'll have me there. And your family, and friends, too."

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nymphadarling
2010-02-18 01:24 am UTC (link)

She shook her head and forced a tiny smile in return. "See, I always forget about that," she said, still fighting to keep her voice even. "Not--forget-forget, but it doesn't matter to me. Unless it's near a full moon, that's the last thing I think about when I look at you, and if it is near a full moon, I only think about it because I'm worried about you." She thought about pointing out that at least they couldn't tell he was a werewolf on sight, but the two things weren't comparable. She'd gotten herself into this mess, and people would judge all they bloody wanted. Remus hadn't done a damn thing to deserve his lot in life. "It's just--embarrassing. I never thought of pregnancy that way before, but I guess it is. At least for me." And, she supposed, that had loads to do with how she felt about having a baby in the first place, as much as she loved him already.

She looked at him when he pulled has hand away, and she reached for his, trying to squeeze it for just a moment before pulling away as well. She was a tactile person, and she needed touch to really understand that he was there and hopefully would remain so. It broke her heart to think that things might end because of some stupid mistake and misunderstanding, but as long as there was still a chance, she wasn't going to give up on him. "I hope you're right," she said quietly. "I can't do this on my own."

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wolfylupin
2010-02-18 03:46 am UTC (link)

"I know. You're the only one," Remus answered with a wry smile. People had looked at him differently for the whole of his life. Tonks never really had, and that alone would have endeared her to him, even if there hadn't been other reasons for him to love her. There had been, though. "I'm sorry if you're embarrassed." He understood how it could be though. A young woman, no husband, alone with a child. There shouldn't be any stigma attached to that, in this day and age. But there was. Some old traditions might never die a much-needed death.

He squeezed back, smiling at her. "You won't have to. That much I know for sure." If nothing else, she'd have her parents, and her friends. Even if something happened to Remus. And he would be there too, as much as possible, and as much as she was comfortable with.

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nymphadarling
2010-02-18 04:07 am UTC (link)

"I'm not," she said, smiling sadly. "Harry doesn't look at you that way. Neither did Dumbledore. The people who matter look at you and see you, not a werewolf." She twisted her fingers together and added in a wry voice, "It's a bit unfair, isn't it? Men don't have their sex lives on display for complete strangers to see."

She shook her head. There was no certainty in any of this. "I haven't even told my parents yet," she said. "I'm sure they've heard about it by now, but--they haven't seen me. I haven't any idea how that's going to go. I'm keeping the baby here with me after through the end of the year, but if Minerva wants me back, I've no idea what to do then." Tonks sighed. "I'm sorry, it's pointless worrying about all of this now. Do you still want to come to appointments and--help pick things out? You don't have to. I can do it on my own if you'd rather focus on other things."

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wolfylupin
2010-02-18 08:08 am UTC (link)

Harry was a young man who had very few options when it came to family, or links to his past, and had accepted Remus because of that. And Dumbledore had been an extraordinary man with his own scarred past. They were exceptions. Tonks had no real reason to make exceptions, they way they had done. She'd simply done it. He'd never understood why, but he appreciated it, nonetheless. "I could let you paint the red letter on me, to make it even. Or start wearing a false belly under my jumpers. Though that may earn me some funny looks," he offered with a slight smile.

"They'll just care about you, Tonks, and want to help, I'm sure." Tonks' parents were good people. Andromeda always had been, unlike her sisters. OR Bellatrix, at least. Narcissa had her redeeming qualities. "And yes, I'd like to come with you and help. And it's not pointless - though keeping him here may be for the best, anyway. Hogwarts is still a good deal safer than most other places, these days."

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nymphadarling
2010-02-18 08:27 am UTC (link)

Tonks choked back a laugh in spite of herself. "Would you really?" she said, wiping her eyes with her sleeves. "I'd almost like to see that. The fake belly bit. I think an actual scarlet letter is a bit outdated." But eventually she shook her head. "It's all right, Remus. Really. It's awful, but there isn't anything to be done about it now, and even if there was, I don't think I'd go through with it. Everyone will stare and form opinions as much as they bloody well please. There isn't a damn thing anyone can do about it, and I've been through worse." She sighed. "Minerva hasn't fired me yet, so I'm taking that as a good sign."

Just the thought of telling her parents made her queasy. "I'm sure they'll want to help too," she said. Her mother may have been a little old-fashioned, but Tonks knew she loved her unconditionally. "That's sort of what I'm afraid of. My parents taking over. Don't be surprised if you get an owl or a note from one of them, all right? And if you do, let me know as soon as you get it. The last thing I want is for them to interfere and make things even worse. I'm just afraid they'll try to fix things and put pressure on me--on both of us--and make me feel like a shite parent and--I don't know. Meddle and make a mess of things, I suppose." She nodded. "Hogwarts is best. If other parents can trust us enough to send their children here for safe-keeping, it's certainly good enough for me. I'm thinking of getting everything bought and set up in March or so, before I get so big that I can hardly move. If that works for you, I mean."

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wolfylupin
2010-03-01 10:52 am UTC (link)

"I would. Though it might make any outings a bit awkward. People would think the red letter was likely just a shirt for some band. And the belly would have them discreetly trying to double check my gender. Or less than discreetly, in some cases," Remus told her with a quiet laugh. "Minerva wouldn't fire you for having a baby, Tonks. This isn't the 1920's, and you're not a Scarlet Woman. However bloody archaic the Wizarding World can be about some things."

"Your mum and dad are free to Owl me. I'd imagine they'll have some choice words, and I don't blame them at all, love. Really. And they'll just want to help. You're not a shite parent, and no one will think that. But it's their job to meddle a bit, yeah?"

He shook his head. "March is fine, unless something comes up with the Order that I can't work around. But you know how things stand, so I doubt that will be the case. I'll be here. To help you as much as I can."

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