InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Winsause?"

Gabe Wilder (afterwedie) wrote in we_float,
@ 2010-07-02 20:36:00

Entry tags:

character: gabriel wilder, character: zadkiel thrush

Who: Zadkiel Thrush and Gabriel Wilder
What: Zadkiel wants to meet and discuss a number of things.
When: Friday, July 2
Where: The clinic, then who knows?
Status: Open; in progress

He wondered why Zadkiel wanted to talk.

It wasn't a question that Gabe would ask but it weighed on his mind as he lit his cigarette and inhaled the smoke, feeling the warmth against his lips and simply holding it there for that reason alone. He leaned against the wall, feeling cool red brick press against his cheek as he took another drag. Six o'clock and he wondered if Zadkiel would come outside or if he'd need to go in.

There were a lot of things that Gabe was wondering- it was easiest to stick with the same things than to look back on the others. Particularly after his conversation with Maxxie. Everything repeats, he told himself. Especially other people's advice.

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	afterwedie 2010-07-03 06:07 am UTC (link)
	"Not believing in what?" Gabe asked. His voice was still quiet, still disbelieving. He expected Zadkiel to walk away, was standing there with every hair on the back of his neck on edge. Waiting. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	lifeibreathe 2010-07-03 06:12 am UTC (link)
	"Believing differently," Zadkiel amended. He tilted his head. "Do you want to keep walking?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	afterwedie 2010-07-03 06:14 am UTC (link)
	"Uh. No." He managed to sit, his eyes falling to the ground. "So. Uh." Gabe wanted to say more but couldn't. He was afraid of breaking what fragile balance existed between them-there weren't so many people in his life that he felt he could afford to run another off. Especially with Julie so tentative. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

lifeibreathe
2010-07-03 06:25 am UTC (link)

"I think it's that I'm not used to having to explain anything. I'm used to being surrounded by people who believe the same things I do, who I've grown up with and who are pretty much just like me. Except for the Wild Card, but they didn't know that, and I couldn't say anything, so I never had to explain it or defend it. Now I have to make people understand, and I'm not good with words, and Maxxie at least isn't very good at listening, it seems like. So it just feels easier to give up. But then I'm just another coward, running away from my fears instead of dealing with them. Which maybe is better than trying to destroy them, but I won't ever be like them that way."

Zadkiel stopped himself before he could say more, because he'd already possibly said too much.

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	afterwedie 2010-07-03 06:32 am UTC (link)
	"What are you afraid of?" Gabe's words were barely audible. He rested his head against his knee, green eyes watching Zadkiel, reflecting the grass just beyond the younger man. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

lifeibreathe
2010-07-03 06:40 am UTC (link)

"Some days? Everything." Zadkiel shrugged. "I'm afraid of losing what I believe in. That if I bend I'll break. I'm afraid that people will find out... that I'm a Wild Card, and I'll lose my job which I actually like even if it's nothing heroic. That I come from... Oregon." He chewed the inside of his lip. "I mean that I come from the middle of nowhere and led a really sheltered life. I'm afraid people - government people - will realize that I don't exist to them and I don't know what would happen then. I'm afraid of never finding somewhere I belong, and people I belong with. Those are the big ones, anyway."

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	afterwedie 2010-07-03 06:42 am UTC (link)
	"Dude," Gabe said with a grin. "Oregon is just not that bad." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	lifeibreathe 2010-07-03 06:44 am UTC (link)
	He couldn't help smiling back. "I guess the Oregon part is lower on the list. But I get asked what planet I'm from at least once a day, most days. I'm not very good at acting normal, I guess." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	afterwedie 2010-07-03 04:50 pm UTC (link)
	"There's no such thing as normal anymore." Gabe laughed, touching his hair. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	lifeibreathe 2010-07-03 05:42 pm UTC (link)
	"Maybe not, but most people don't get asked if they're 'Amish or something' on first meeting." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	afterwedie 2010-07-03 05:44 pm UTC (link)
	"Ummm..." Gabe squinted. "Well, dude, at least it's a nice kind of abnormal, yeah?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	lifeibreathe 2010-07-03 05:49 pm UTC (link)
	Zadkiel shrugged, running his fingers through the blades of grass next to where he sat. "The trouble is I can't explain it." His voice was softer than usual. "I've told you more than anyone, but I really shouldn't talk about it at all." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	afterwedie 2010-07-03 05:50 pm UTC (link)
	"Why not?" He smiled, trying to encourage Zadkiel to keep talking. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	lifeibreathe 2010-07-03 05:56 pm UTC (link)
	"Because we're not supposed to talk about where we come from to outsiders," Zadkiel said, his shoulders drawing up close to his ears. "Except I am an outsider now, but I still have to protect them. My family. Mostly no one knows we even exist, and we're supposed to keep it that way." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	afterwedie 2010-07-03 06:10 pm UTC (link)
	He understood that but he didn't like it. Gabe stared down at his toes for a moment, thinking. "Sean's like that. Circle around the family, all that shit, but... you can't do it forever." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	lifeibreathe 2010-07-03 06:16 pm UTC (link)
	"But how do you know when it's okay to stop?" He looked directly at Gabe then, like he honestly hoped he had the answer. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	afterwedie 2010-07-03 06:25 pm UTC (link)
	"I dunno. Maybe... you don't have to stop." He curled up against his knees for a moment. Gabe didn't do what he was preaching- not unless it was to one of his other selves. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

lifeibreathe
2010-07-03 06:31 pm UTC (link)

"It would be easier if I could just forget them, or hate them, or something. I don't. I can't. I miss them so much it hurts." He'd lost count of the number of times he'd seen something and turned to look and see where Eva or his brothers were to show them, only to be reminded like a slap to the face that they weren't there and never would be again. His throat constricted and he stared up at the sky, blinking rapidly.

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	afterwedie 2010-07-03 06:39 pm UTC (link)
	"And it feels like if you say the right thing or become the right person, they'll come back." His stomach tensed as his hand reached out, then fell back down in the grass. It wasn't Zadkiel he intended to comfort and that felt like a lie somehow. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

lifeibreathe
2010-07-03 06:50 pm UTC (link)

"I can't ever be the right person," Zadkiel said, his eyes on Gabe's hand now. His jaw tightened. "I can't see my wild card as a curse. I can do so much good with it. But they do. They see all manifestations of the virus as a curse. Divine retribution. So I can never go back and..." He shook his head, closed his eyes tight. "I wish He would tell me why. But it's not for me to ask God for His reasons. So it's half blessing, half curse and..." The lump in his throat grew so large he couldn't force any more words out around it.

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	afterwedie 2010-07-03 06:54 pm UTC (link)
	"People do the best they can with what they have." Gabe could feel his stomach lurching, the familiar nausea flooding. "Uhh... fuck." He clenched his hands at his sides, willing his other selves back. (Reply to this) (Parent)

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