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Rebekah Salvatore finally found love ([info]hasherwhims) wrote in [info]wariscoming,
@ 2014-01-20 15:12:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:niklaus mikaelson, rebekah salvatore

WHO: Rebekah Salvatore and Klaus Mikaelson
WHAT: FEEEEEELS!
WHEN: Today. This afternoon.
WHERE: Crowley's house.
RATING: TBD, but it is the most dysfunctional siblings talking about Hell.
STATUS: In Progress
[Cut lyrics: Lana Del Rey 'Born to Die']



It had been just over a day since Lexi had gotten through to her and Rebekah had cracked, flipping the switch, turning the emotions back on. In the end it had been fear that got to her first. So much fear, some of it carried through her entire life, and now with the fear of the Cage thrown into her soul as well. And Rebekah had screamed and cried, tried to push Stefan away, even when he had refused to leave. How could he not hate her after what she did? How could he even look at her?

How could any of them?

She had fallen in the worst way, been too weak and had turned everything off to run from her emotions, when if she had just held out a few more years...

Okay, it wouldn't have been fine. Rebekah wasn't even sure she could ever be fine again. Every time she closed her eyes she was back there, among the pain and the fire, seeing the world as a wasteland. When she drank blood, she choked it back up, unable to swallow it down no matter how hungry she was. Out of the corner of her eye, she kept thinking she saw figures, people coming to get her, to hurt her. Every noise made her jump and she hated herself for being so skittish, like some damned newborn vampire, unused to the enhanced senses that came with being one of her kind. Of being an abomination like them.

No matter how much she had tried to shut them out, people had refused to leave Rebekah alone the night before, Stefan, Caroline, Kol. If she was honest, she barely even noticed which one of them was near her at any one time, just the feeling of their presence, tensing any time any of them touched her, part of her braced for pain that never came. Waiting for their words to become mocking somehow.

She had managed to wander for a few minutes through the house, unfamiliar as it was. One of Crowley's, she vaguely remembered being told. It was impressive, even had a library. And when she had seen one antique volume, she had laughed bitterly, taking it from the shelf and back to her room. It sat on a table by the bed, her wedding ring beside it. She hadn't felt as though she deserved to put it back on yet. Aphrodite was curled up, asleep on Rebekah's pillow as she herself sat on the windowsill, staring out at the gardens. Her fingers were curled around a mug of green tea, one of the few things she felt able to actually keep down as she sipped at it, drawing the warmth from the mug into her hands. Her door was closed, but not locked, a sort of silent compromise between her want to be alone and her family's desire to not let her be.

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[info]humanitytorn
2014-01-20 10:29 pm UTC (link)
He'd thought about going up to see her for quite some time. Debated it, worried that he'd set her back as her supposed killer time and time again in hell, in the cage. The fate she'd saved him from. He had to admit it. Rebekah had kept him from that fate and he truly did owe her. He didn't know if he'd have broken. If he was honest he refused to think about the possibility.

Hours had passed before he actually plucked up the courage, yes courage to go and talk to his sister. To discuss with her how to proceed from here, to say the things one simply could not say through so impersonal a communication. His siblings thought he'd be cruel. He'd insult her, drag her kicking and screaming back into being the Rebekah they knew, they believed it was all he knew how to be. But he was capable of kindness too. Caroline knew it, Marcel had benefited from it once. And on occasion, his siblings had seen it. Just glimpses. He didn't ever really do it on purpose of course, it always just sort of happened.

Which of course was why when he pushed open the door he didn't speak right away. He gauged the situation, ready to leave again if he had to. To back out of the door if she screamed at him to leave, her killer. It shouldn't be so surprising to him that he'd been the one she'd imagined causing her death over and over again, and yet it was, and it hurt to think of it.

"Rebekah." he said simply, not sure how one would even begin such a discussion. He'd given her what advice he could, but as he'd said, words were pointless, she needed to see them, and perhaps most especially him. He needed to be seen to be...

To be her brother.

He needed to be seen to care. No matter how hard it was to do so

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[info]hasherwhims
2014-01-20 10:47 pm UTC (link)
Rebekah actually jumped at the sound of her name, his voice, and inwardly cursed herself for doing so. It was the first time since turning her emotions back on that she had actually heard him, and she had to will herself to not just bolt. Even so, her body was still tense, her knuckles white as she gripped onto the mug. And she had to take a deep breath before she turned to look at him.

But she still couldn't quite look him in the eyes, her own reddened from tears and a lack of sleep. Really, she hadn't slept in fifty years, and wasn't that a weird thought. With her emotions off, she had needed to be awake to stay ahead of her hunting brothers, and now... now she couldn't stand to even close her eyes, let alone let sleep come and claim her.

"Hi."

Her voice was soft, tentative. She made herself uncurl her legs to turn on the windowsill to actually face him, though she stayed at the other side of the room. Turning was okay, standing up was a bit too much to ask for.

Silence lingered for a moment, Rebekah just didn't know what to say or do or think. A couple of times she tried to say something, awkwardly half shrugging before giving up and closing her mouth again. Eventually, all she could manage was a quiet "Do you want to come in?" She made a vague gesture of invitation, chewing nervously on her lip.

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[info]humanitytorn
2014-01-21 04:30 pm UTC (link)
God she could barely look at him. She was worried he'd do something, worried he'd hurt her. And while in the past he'd done awful things in the name of caring for his family none of them had ever looked at him as she was now. She turned to face him but even so she still couldn't look him in the eyes. She invited him into the room though and Klaus supposed he should take that as a good sign. A sign that perhaps she still cared.

"I thought we should talk. You've likely spoken to all the others yes? But me, you waited, hesitated because its different isn't it. Because of what that Cage made you see."

He kept back from her, trying to keep her from running. Trying to make her feel like she had some measure of control over all of this. He really was trying to be someone that she didn't have to fear. Which given he'd spent a thousand years cultivating a reputation as something to be feared, someone unpredictable and dangerous, even among his own family, was likely difficult now.

"I was serious, in what I said. You are stronger than the things you saw in there. I'm hoping to help you remember that. And believe me, while it may not compare I am the only brother who can say that he knows what over half a century of constant torment feels like. So talk to me."

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[info]hasherwhims
2014-01-21 04:47 pm UTC (link)
"The Cage made me see a lot of things." Very carefully, she lifted the mug for another sip of tea, even those few words making her throat feel dry. "I think the others were in here, I don't actually..." She paused with an awkward shrug. "I wasn't paying attention." People had come and gone from her room, and she'd been tense and distant throughout, not sure what to say or what to feel about any of it.

It was weird, the way he was hanging back, seemingly hesitant. So different from the Nik she knew so well, striding everywhere, commanding, demanding. Rebekah really didn't know what to make of it, as she slowly put the tea down, and brushed a few strands of hair away from her face, most of her hair tied back in a rough ponytail that was so different to her usual groomed style.

"If I talk about it," she chose each word carefully. "Then what was the point in saving you from it? I did it to spare you, I thought it might..." She gave a sigh of frustration, roughly rubbing at her face. "I don't know what I thought it would do, kill you or be Hell or what. But I couldn't let you fall."

She made herself look up, meeting his gaze only for a second before she looked away again, feeling awkward and uncomfortable. "You don't need to know what it was like in there. You don't need that burden."

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[info]humanitytorn
2014-01-22 12:39 pm UTC (link)
That was her logic? She was still protecting him, was that it? If she'd known what exactly was on his mind she probably wouldn't have believed it. But she'd said the worst possible thing. She'd protected him and it still confused him. It was what had caused the lack of his usual attitude. He wasn't sure exactly how to act around her. And now knowing he was the first one she had properly talked to. What was he supposed to do with that.

He needed her to understand. "Rebekah, I do need it. Don't you see, you took this on for me, saved me, knowing you couldn't save yourself too. And I don't understand why you would. So you need to tell me, you need someone else to hear it I think or it will always remain images, memories, words in your head. Let me know what it was you saved me from."

She looked up and then looked away. Couldn't even keep eye contact with him. What had they done to his sister? He knew some of it of course, he knew he had been the cause of her suffering. Her death.

"Come on now Bekah." he tried, stepping a little closer to her but still holding back slightly. Just enough.


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[info]hasherwhims
2014-01-22 01:23 pm UTC (link)
His words actually made her look up at him, look at him with such confusion and sadness, that he genuinely didn't know why. Rebekah shook her head slightly before she sighed, and looked down at the floor again. "I did it because you're my brother, Nik. Because I love you, because letting you fall just wasn't an option for me." How did he not understand? Of course, he wouldn't, he was Niklaus Mikaelson, and the idea of someone, anyone, even his own sister being prepared to make that sacrifice for him was just a foreign concept. She would have done the same for Kol, for Elijah. The fact he didn't see just how much she loved her brothers broke her heart.

And he was still insisting she tell him. She swallowed hard, scared to talk about it, scared at how he would react to it all. Her gaze flicked to her bedside table, to the book and her ring sitting there, and she smirked bitterly, making herself stand up. It was only a couple of steps to take, but she felt shaky by the time she reached the bed, carefully sitting and drawing up her legs to sit cross-legged on the mattress. Still slowly, she moved the ring to one side, brushing her fingers over the diamond for a moment, before she picked up the book.

"Shouldn't be surprised, a demon has a copy of this in his library." She held up the leather bound book, the title pointing at Nik. Divina Commedia by Dante Alighieri. The three part poem that included Dante's Inferno.

"That's what it was. Nine circles, nine different torments." Finally she made herself look up at him, really look, and hold his gaze, as much as her expression was one of exhaustion and lingering fear. "Which one do you want to know about first?"

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[info]humanitytorn
2014-01-22 01:39 pm UTC (link)
The sad fact was of course that he didn't understand. For all the ego, for all the need to have more control than anyone else around him. Niklaus Mikaelson still imagined himself hated. And he played as if he liked it that way. Of course he did, it was easier for him to be who he had to be that way. He'd let Caroline in, and that had been suprising. But here was proof positive that at least Rebekah cared. She'd suffered for him. More than he could ever have imagined possible.

The inferno. Of course. He'd wondered since discovering their existance if Dante had been some manner of prophet. Tasked to write about the truth of the darkest part of hell.

"I see." he said simply. "Can I sit?" he asked, actually waiting for an answer which again was unusual. If she needed her space he would give it to her. "You suffered the nine torments. And he knew them, he'd read the damn thing. And supposed by about the second or third one Rebekah had figured it out. He wondered was that better or worse than not knowing.

"I expect some of them were obvious. Was I wrath then? Is that what it was? Every time it was me?"

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[info]hasherwhims
2014-01-22 02:34 pm UTC (link)
Sometimes Rebekah wondered if she should have done more to make Nik see how he was loved. But then again, what else could she possibly have done? Even after all the pain and suffering he had put her through, she had stayed with him, through all of it. No matter how hurt or furious she ever was, she never left. And even that wasn't enough to make him believe. But maybe this would be. Finally. Typical really, she had to go through literal hell before he would see.

She nodded that he could sit, though she did press herself more into one corner of the bed, wanting some distance still between them. Of course, it was futile, he would still be able to attack her if he wanted, a few inches of space wouldn't make any difference to that. But it made her feel better.

"No, wrath was different."

She took a deep breath, opening the book to the poem of the Inferno. "Might as well do them in order, though the order didn't always make sense in there."

Her fingers brushed over the page and she stared at the book instead of at Nik. "'The portal of the faith that you embrace.'" Her translation was flawless, unsurprisingly. "Virtue, Limbo, whatever you want to call it. Every mistake I've ever made, every regret, every choice. The people who died because I was careless, Kol dying alone while I was at a stupid dance with Stefan." She had no idea if she would have been able to save Kol if she'd been there, but she still regretted so much of that so bitterly. That the last thing they'd done was fight.

"Lust. 'Carnal sinners who subordinate reason to desire'. Not shocking. Alexander. Marcel. Thinking maybe they would love me enough to choose me, love me more than anything else. Stefan." Her voice caught slightly. "I saw Elena coming back to Lawrence. Maybe it's prophecy, I don't know. He left me for her. When she was human and innocent, pure. The girl he loved." She did look up at Nik then, a faint scowl on her face. "And before you say it, don't start. I don't want to hear it." Didn't want to hear him tell her that Stefan would ultimately choose the doppelganger, the one everyone loved so much. That once again, she wouldn't be put first. She never was.

"Gluttony, that's obvious. I couldn't feed. I felt my body withering and I just couldn't keep the blood down, choked on it when I tried, felt just so starving." Even now, she felt hungry, hadn't been able to properly drink blood since she'd gotten back, and it showed on her face, how pale she was.

"Greed." She paused and once again read from the poem. "'They struck against each other; at that point, each turned around and, wheeling back those weights, cried out: Why do you hoard? Why do you squander?' Everything I ever owned, turning to ash. My horse, Aphrodite." She glanced over at the kitten, who was stirring and even wandered over to Nik for some attention. "Right down to the clothes I was wearing." Everything stripped away.

"Wrath. And no, it wasn't you. The others were there, the others in the Cage, or at least it seemed they were. And we had to kill each other. I killed all of them. Several times, actually. Killed Rose, even though she's my friend." That had been hard, and probably the one Nik would find hardest to understand, he who wouldn't have flinched at killing anyone.

Ah, the sixth circle. "Heresy. Won't surprise you at all. Mikael. And our mother. Cursing me as an abomination, a vile creature that should have died a thousand years ago. She looked at me and she hated me. Actually hated me, what I am, who I am. Told me she was disgusted by me." And that had hurt. Actually hurt. Rebekah would never be able to forgive her mother for trying to kill her children, and the vampire race, but to have her looking with so much hatred and disgust.

"The seventh was simple, violence, that was just pain, this constant pain that seemed to last forever, but there was nothing special about it. The eighth." This was when Rebekah closed her eyes tightly, and actually began to shake slightly. She had to take a few deep breaths to force back the tears that were just starting to threaten.

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[info]hasherwhims
2014-01-22 02:35 pm UTC (link)
"Fraud. That was you. I thought we were out, that we were home. I thought you were pleased to see me, relieved I was back, everyone was, I was happy and free and everything was going to be okay. There was a party to celebrate. But then it changed. Telling me you all wished I'd stayed in Hell. And you would pin me to a wall." Her hand drifted up to her neck, where she had felt him grip her so many times. "You would tell me that I'm nothing to you. Pathetic. Mock me for saving you. You weren't even angry, you were just smug. And then you killed me. While everyone watched and laughed." Her other hand went to her chest, clenching over her heart, where she had felt the cruel fingers tearing into her. "That day happened over and over and over again. At the start I'd forgotten all the others, but as it went on, the memories would come back, and if I tried to run, you laughed, caught me, killed me anyway. So many times, you killed me and you laughed and it felt so real. Because I'm not your family, I am not your sister, I am nothing." The words he genuinely had used on her before, before he had snapped her neck and left her on the floor. Disowned her.

She actually needed to take a few breaths before she could keep on. That had been the one she had lived through the most, that one and Lust, the two most targeted at her, at her love. A love she was so pathetic for having.

"And last was treachery. Because we'd had the nerve to stand against Heaven and Hell. It made us watch the Apocalypse, start to finish, only in this finish we lost. Everyone lost. It was just utterly pointless because how could we have ever expected to win against archangels. It was destiny, it was written and we watched the world burn for our arrogance." They had betrayed the natural order of things, betrayed heave and hell with their assumptions. And paid for it.

She didn't look up, stared at the sheets in front of her, fingers toying with a loose thread. "So there you have it. The nine circles of Hell. Some happened more than once, there wasn't really an order to it all, but all of it was there."

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[info]humanitytorn
2014-01-22 09:12 pm UTC (link)
He hadn't spoken while she'd listed the things she'd endured so that he had not. The things she had saved him from. Dante's Inferno was a tale he knew well of course, and that she had endured it angered him more than he'd expected. He hadn't actually drawn breath the whole time, just listened to it all. Every part of it.Virtue, greed, lust, every circle of hell, everything she'd seen and done, hurting her friends, losing everything she was, seeing her failures in love, fearing Elena's return, and then she spoke of fraud. Well that made a disgusting amount of sense now didn't it. Of course he was the one she'd have seen shatter her happy world time and time again. Rip out her heart, tear her down mentally and physically time and time again. How could she even sit in a room with him now. And the thing that he thought to say, the thing that stood out of all of it.

"You remember word for word even now. What I called you. When you destroyed Elena's blood. You still remember, I wonder how many times I told you that in hell, thousands was it? Do you remember every cruel word I've ever given you? Every hurt I ever caused you visited back time and time again. You didn't see Mikael killing you, or anyone else, you saw me. Telling you you weren't my sister. I suppose its fitting in some ways that you do recall it, because if you want to know the truth of it Bekah, of everything I've been called, every insult hurled my way its your words I remember. I'd rather have my life than yours Nik, no one will ever sit around at table, telling stories of a man who couldn't love. It stayed with me, because yes, I mocked you for your love but I can, I do. And perhaps Kol and you were closer once, as children, maybe even here. But it wasn't him by your side for a thousand years was it? It was me. I pushed everyone away but you were the one who stayed, and yet still when you suffer the worst horrors of Dante, it was me you saw taking your life."

Was this what he'd done to her? With all the paranoia, all the instinctive urge to distrust that came with being him. Had he made himself so heartless in her eyes. It took but a moment for him to cross the distance between them, she didn't look up, she hadn't that whole time, and he needed her to know that she meant more to him than it seemed she knew. He pulled her to his side, stronger than her, than any of them and yet there was no malice in it, no need for control.

He was being more honest with her now than he had believed himself capable of it. "I thought I'd lost you. And I know you believe I'd have left you there, you believe had it been Caroline I'd have acted but I...you endured that for me, to save me, every horror of your existence revisited and more besides and even now you tried to keep it from me. I don't know how to show you that you matter, I don't know if I can promise that I won't hurt you again. I don't always anticipate that I...Dammit, Rebekah you know what I'm trying to tell you. I'm not the brother you go to for affection, for kind words and kind deeds, I'm not the moral one. I know what I am as well as the rest of you do and I embrace that. I always have. But for all that, I was the one you saw end your happiness, time and time again. I'm sorry sister. For that and for..."

Even now he couldn't quite vocalize. Simply holding her for as long as she'd allow.

"For not being what you want me to be. And whatever comes in the future, however I hurt you I need you to think of now, of here, and know that I truly do love you. Always and forever." he said simply, the mocking tone that usually accompanied the pronouncement gone.

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[info]hasherwhims
2014-01-22 10:32 pm UTC (link)
There was such an irony to the two of them. He had said it once himself 'well, aren't we a pair?' And they were. Elijah was the eldest, in so many ways more of a father to them than Mikael had ever been, and Kol was her twin, the one who understood her so well even without words. But Nik? Nik was her constant. All the others, even Elijah, even Kol, had left at various points in time, sometimes because they were bored and wanting to explore somewhere else, sometimes because of fights that needed a few decades to cool down. But never Nik. A thousand years, she had been by his side. And not for a moment had she hesitated to save him.

"I was wrong. When I said that. You can love, I see it with Caroline every day. I used to believe you were incapable of it, but you can do it." Of course her words would stick with him, just as his stuck with her, even over centuries.

"The Cage was different for all of us. Made us see and feel the worst possible things. Hal said his was..." She paused, before shaking her head. "No, his was for him to share with who he wants, but I will say his was different from mine." Her voice was firmer than it had been on that issue. Oh, it was still a shadow of her normal levels of sass and stubbornness, but it was still clear she would not reveal about anyone elses experiences. Hell, the Cage, it was too personal, too deep. It wasn't her place or right to tell another's tale. "The Cage knew what would hurt me the most. And the others were there, they mocked me for my hope, laughed while it all happened, but for you to break that final rule, to kill a member of your family, to disown me and mean it, those words, the look in your eyes. It hurt more than the deaths." Because it was him, because she loved him so much, and even through fights and daggers and insults, they had never truly left each other. The finality of him killing her. It was the worst pain the Cage could inflict.

When he pulled her close, she didn't resist. For a moment she did tense, an instinctive fear taking over, before she just gave in, practically curling into his side and she finally, finally cried, not just the odd tears that had escaped her every now and then since her emotions had turned back on, but wracking sobs that made her whole body shake, soaking into Nik's shirt as she turned and just clung to him. Her big brother. Finally telling her the words she had so wanted to hear for so long.

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[info]humanitytorn
2014-01-23 10:38 am UTC (link)
He let her cry. Not knowing really what else he was supposed to do in this kind of situation. He suspected she needed to do this, needed to get all of that feeling out. She needed to grieve for...whatever she'd done down there. And she was right, he wouldn't have cared for killing the others he was trapped with. But she would care. It would have hurt her to kill her friends.

And if Hal Yorke's was different then hers then he was right about just how targetted the thing could be. He could imagine what the Dr Jekyll of vampires had been but he didn't care. He cared only for helping his sister through this. Not that he had a clue how.

"I can love, as you said I do. She's given me something I wasn't sure I had ever really even wanted. She understands something about me that I barely do myself."

He knew he'd never hurt her. Caroline. He didn't know why he was so clear on that when he knew with just as much certainty that he'd hurt Rebekah again, Kol, ELijah. He could try, and right then he wanted to try. He wanted to take this chance to be the brother he once had been. More for Henrik's sake than anything else. It wouldn't last though. Never did.

"I still don't understand why you saved me. Why you stayed? You say its love but the others claim to love me too. Why you and not them? Why would you take this on, suffer this, jump into the unknown for someone who has only ever hurt you."

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[info]hasherwhims
2014-01-23 11:00 am UTC (link)
It took her a while to actually cry everything out, but eventually the sobs lessened, and she stopped shaking, and actually felt able to lift her head from his shoulder again, roughly wiping her face to brush away the tear tracks. Rebekah felt simply exhausted, and weaker than she remembered being for a long time, and she did still lean against Nik's side for a while.

She didn't say anything about Caroline. She loved that girl herself, she really did, but that didn't stop it hurting that Nik clearly loved the other blonde more. A part of Rebekah did still wonder what he would have done if Caroline had been the one in the Cage, not her, but then she knew, didn't she. There would have been rage and deaths and the Original Hybrid tearing the world apart to get his love back. But not for her. Slightly awkwardly, she pulled away a little, not moving away from him as such, but straightening herself up so she wasn't leaning into him, drawing her knees up and wrapping her arms around them, somewhat defensively.

"I know you don't understand it." Her voice was slightly husky from the crying. "I don't know if you ever will. I did it because I couldn't not do it. I saw you in danger and I had to save you. Doesn't matter how much you hurt me, or that I know you'll do it again, you'll lose your temper some day and I'll suffer for it. None of that mattered in that moment, all I knew is I couldn't let you fall. Just wasn't an option for me." Never would be. No matter how angry she might get at her brother, she loved him. Always and forever.

"I wouldn't change it." The words were abrupt, and she was staring at her knees. "If I was given the chance now to go back and let you fall instead of me, I wouldn't. I feel like I'm losing my mind, but I can't let you go through that. I won't, not ever."

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[info]humanitytorn
2014-01-25 07:27 am UTC (link)
He wasn't sure if she was done or if he'd said something to ruin the moment. It was also entirely possible of course, and so Klaus simply nodded, sitting up and keeping his eyes focused on her. She wasn't okay, he could tell that without much effort but he wondered had the outburst helped at all. For him it was rage that helped, letting loose, for Rebekah it seemed that it was emotion. And she'd gotten a lot of it out. He supposed that meant it was some kind of a start.

"I don't understand you sometimes little sister. I can sit here and actually tell you that I can't promise I wouldn't dagger you if circumstance and opportunity presented itself, you, Kol, Elijah. I probably still wouldn't hesitate and yet you would still put yourself in danger for me. I know what that makes me. You do as well as our brothers but I'm not sure they'd have done what you did. And truth is, I don't know what that makes me."

He did wish on some level he could be the brother she deserved but he supposed he'd have to leave that to Elijah. Even Kol had never crossed the lines he himself had. The one time he had raised the white oak stake to Rebekah he had done it out of madness over the idea of releasing Silas. Which, in hindsight seemed to be a legitimate worry on their brothers part. "You did this, for me, suffered this, for me. And Rebekah I want to help, I want you to tell me how I can help because frankly, we both know eventually I'll do something despicable and you'll be back to hating me. Let me help you now. Tell me how to?"

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[info]hasherwhims
2014-01-25 12:10 pm UTC (link)
Of course he didn't understand her. He never did, which was part of the problem. People had been telling Rebekah her entire life that she was stupid for loving her brother so blindly and completely, for always going back to him no matter how often he hurt her. And yet she did it anyway.

"It makes me the fool you always took me for," she half shrugged. No point in denying it, only a fool would willingly take on Hell for a brother like him, and yet she would. Every time. "I would have done the same for them too, you, Kol, Elijah. You're my family and I love you and that apparently means being willing to take on Hell for you." Her tone was quietly matter of fact. It was the simple truth. "It seems even when I'm so incredibly angry with you, I love you too much to let you go to Hell." And she had been angry. She hadn't yet forgiven him for his treatment of Stefan, and for his cruel words to her when she had been given command of the supernaturals in the battle. Dismissing her as nothing. She had been hurt, angry, and still made that same choice.

"I don't know if I can be helped." She looked faintly desperate at the idea. "Nik, I can't even close my eyes without being back there, I haven't slept in more than fifty years, I'm flinching at every movement, I feel like I'm going crazy and I can't even tell for sure what's real or not any more. I look at you and rationally I know you're not going to turn on me, but I'm scared anyway. I broke Stefan, I broke the man I love so much and I don't know if I ever deserve to be forgiven for that. I haven't fed because I can't, I can't even choke blood down, and I don't know what to do any more."

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[info]humanitytorn
2014-01-27 09:37 am UTC (link)
He supposed it did yes. Made her a fool, soft hearted much as she'd known he wouldn't have done it for her. He'd made his own surrvival paramount for a thousand years. And as much as he did love his sister if there was a point where the choice became him or her it would always be him. Oh he'd try to take her with him, force her hand as he had back in the twenties. But ultimately he surrvived. It was why on some level he would always admire the lengths Katerina went to to escape his wrath. There was no line she was not willing to cross either.

"And you remain angry of course. Nothing has changed in that regard, why would it. Even with what you did for me. It's funny, I can see the leaps of logic your mind made but I can't imagine why you would save us over yourself."

In terms of helping her though, "Perhaps there are ways to help you. I expect Kol will suggest witches at some point but I'd prefer you not. As for Stefan, well, frankly it doesn't take a lot to push him over that edge. I once did it for kicks frankly. If he loves you as much as he says he does then you'll work through it. You'll, I don't know...talk and find strength in that. But I will not have you talking about what you deserve. You've done nothing that requires you to be forgiven and you need to stop thinking that way."

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[info]hasherwhims
2014-01-27 02:10 pm UTC (link)
At least he understood those parts of it. Rebekah didn't see the point in claiming anything different. "I am still angry. Angry for what you did to Stefan, angry for the things you said to me before the battle. I think telling me to go and screw Khan or Solo pissed me off the most." She still wasn't okay with that, wasn't okay with being so dismissed as a slut with no brains. "You told me I wouldn't be good enough, and it seems you were right, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt to be told that by my own brother." Oh, how it had stung. So much.

"But I don't regret saving you. And I'd do it again. I don't know why you don't see it, I guess because it's not something you'd ever do, and I know that. Of all the things I'm angry about, that's actually not one of them." She had long accepted that Nik would value his own life above that of her and their brothers'. "I'd die for you, and for them."

Rebekah actually shuddered at the idea of witches. "I'm having enough trouble distinguishing reality from nightmares, I do not want anyone going into my head and messing around in there. It's just not happening." Kol might trust witches, but Rebekah, honestly, did not. She drew in a ragged breath, one shaking hand brushing odd strands of hair from her face. "I just want to be me again and I don't know if that can ever happen. I want to be the woman Stefan fell in love with. And maybe I don't need to be forgiven, but it feels like I do."

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[info]humanitytorn
2014-01-28 10:39 am UTC (link)
"Of course you're angry. You were angry before and you are now. Because I don't let you live your life. I don't let any of you choose your own path. We've had this conversation, time and time again." He had also told her she wouldn't be good enough, told her it was a farce they'd let her in charge of the battle when there were better skilled people in the city and on some level he still stood by that. She was many things his sister but a leader, well, he wasn't sure she had it in her, even now. "Should I have lied to you? Pandered to you? I told you what I believed."

She should probably have regretted saving him. But she was Rebekah and she was the one to have stayed the longest. "That said, you know that I love you, in my own way. The things I do, its in your best interest. And sometimes I wonder if you know that."

Maybe she had a point about the witches, maybe Solo, maybe Loki, who knew, Or maybe letting anyone in her head at all was dangerous. "If you want to be you then you have to figure out how to make that happen, what it will take for you to trust again. As for being the woman he fell in love with...love isn't static. Its not perfect and you don't have to be the same woman. If he can't cope, if he really does go all Ripper at the first sign of trouble then its his problem."

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[info]hasherwhims
2014-01-28 05:12 pm UTC (link)
"We've had this conversation time and time again because you never listen to it. Not ever. You're always so convinced that we're wrong and you're right. You're also a paranoid control freak, so the idea of letting anyone else make their own choices quite possibly terrifies you." She was oddly calm when she spoke to him, her head tilted and eyes narrowed with a detached interest. Matter of fact, because that was the truth. She knew him better than anyone, probably. Even their brothers, because so many centuries together. She had seen the best of him and suffered through the worst, and loved him anyway. "I wanted you to support me. To help me. And yes, it hurts me that that was too much to hope for from you. I would have had your back, I think I've more than proven that now."

Her smile became almost sad and she scooted away from him on the bed, looking at him with something that was almost like pity. "I know you believe it's in our best interests, but the truth is, everything you do is always in your own best interest. You've just managed to delude yourself into thinking that what's best for you is also best for everyone else. Well, me." She knew that he loved her as much as he was capable of it. And how possessive he was, and his overwhelming need to control everything.

"I don't know how I can trust anything again." Her gaze dropped again, and she grabbed the pillow, hugging it to herself as if it was armor. "Even now, it's like there's a part of me just waiting for you to rip my heart out again. And another part just wanting you to get on with it so it'll be over. Rationally, I know I'm not in the Cage any more, but it feels like an instinct I can't shake." Her fingers twisted around the fabric of the pillow. "You know, technically I haven't slept in over fifty years. I just can't do it."

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[info]humanitytorn
2014-01-31 11:11 am UTC (link)
That look in her eyes. The one look he could never abide, not from anyone, even as she scooted back away from him, Klaus got to his feet. He was not going to sit here and be pitied. He was not someone to be pitied. She called him a paranoid control freak and he knew on some level he needed to control his surroundings. Caroline perhaps picked her battles, but she didn't go against him, she didn't try to change him. Is that what Rebekah wanted, a different him, a changed him. He couldn't do that, not even for the sister that had braved hell for him.

"Don't, don't you give me that look. I won't have that from you." He knew what she'd done for him, and he knew what she truly believed of him, that he with his controlling ways and willingness to hunt down those that offended him was more Mikael's son than any of those who actually shared that man's blood.

"All I've ever done is try to keep you safe, with me. Marcel, Alexander, even Stefan, they're not worthy of you. And so I did what I had to do, call me a monster for it if you like but don't you pity me."

He still wanted to comfort her, she hadn't slept, she looked like hell, she was broken, broken in so many ways and yet he couldn't quite bring himself to overlook the things she'd said about him. It was in her best interests, everything he did. He cared for his sister deeply, for all of his family, yes but Rebekah was his constant. Was he really pushing her away?

She said she had the instinct still, him ripping out her heart. Always him, never Kol, never Elijah, never even their father. Always him.

"Is there anything left about me you don't despise? I came here to talk to you, hopefully to help you and yet you look at me with pity. Is there any point any longer?"

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[info]hasherwhims
2014-01-31 01:43 pm UTC (link)
Sometimes Nik made her want to bang her head against the wall. The absolute frustration that came with loving him could drive her crazy, because it seemed that no matter what she said, no matter how she phrased things, he would always read the worst into it. "You think I despise you? Have you not been listening? At all? I mean really, the words seem to go in one ear and straight out the other with you." There was even a hint of sarcasm in her tone.

"I don't despise you. Even when I've hated you, I've still loved you, why else would I have stayed with you after every single thing you've put me through? I went to hell for you, and I'd do it again, and still you ask me if I despise you? Seriously?" She looked almost irritated as she all but threw the pillow to one side, wanting to let her emotions out one way at least. And Rebekah suspected that actually reaching over and smacking her brother over the head wouldn't go well.

"My whole life, you've tried to control me, and you probably do believe it was for my own good, but that doesn't make the way you've treated me okay. It really doesn't. And yes, I pity you, I pity the way you're so paranoid and deluded, the way you freak out any time you lose control, even for a second." In her mind, it was a trait to be pitied. To be that lost in his own fear all the time. Oh, it didn't make her forgive all the hurt he had caused her, especially when he had practically shown glee at the pain she had suffered at his hands over the centuries.

"What do you actually want from me, Nik? I can't go back to being who I was before all this, I want to, I want to forget hell ever happened, but I can't. I have to live with it, forever. And the fact is, you probably still question the idea that I love you, that I'm loyal to you. Even now, don't you."

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[info]humanitytorn
2014-01-31 02:47 pm UTC (link)
Oh he heard it, he did. He wasn't stupid. He just wasn't sure how to trust it. How to trust that she would remain loyal with Stefan in her life, with others turning her against him. He knew he didn't help matters, he was cruel, he was heartless and he laughed at her pain each and every time he took someone she loved from her. But he was trying with her, even the last time he'd put her down with a dagger, he hadn't wanted to, he hadn't been able even to look at her. But still, to be pitied.

"Well then I shall have to endevour not to lose control." he said simply. "Do you know what I've given up, and you might believe it simply for Caroline but its not. Katherine's life, letting you find happiness with Stefan, letting you leave me. I have shown so much mercy, so much restraint and yet all you see is the things I have not done. I don't control everything around me. Not here, not anymore. And you're right. It's difficult for me. I want to know that I can continue to trust you. That in a year, in ten, you won't have some manner of plot against me. That you, Kol, Elijah, that I can rely on you, that I'm not loosing you to..."

He paused, not wanting to say it, not wanting to lose them to anyone else.

"I believe you're loyal to me now. I do not know how long it will last."

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[info]hasherwhims
2014-01-31 03:53 pm UTC (link)
This time she did let her head fall back and hit the wall with a dull thud, which was almost like banging her head against it. "You are aware that the more mature response would be to learn how to handle losing control, right?" He was so incredibly frustrating.

She had to actually grit her teeth, wanting so badly to just scream at him, to throw things at his stupidly stubborn head. She could practically feel the energy vibrating with her need to lash out and she had to actually stand up and pace around to let it out, at least a little bit.

"You really see it that way, don't you. You don't see it the way we do. You don't see that my happiness is tainted by my fear that you'll kill Stefan because you're bored one day. You don't see how much it hurts me that the reason you don't right now is Caroline's feelings, not mine. Fucking hell, Nik, you're just so..." She trailed off with an actual growl of frustration, almost pulling her hair out.

"You know what, you nearly did lose me, not to Stefan, not to someone else, but to Hell. And even now, you still question whether or not you can trust me? If you're going to be that fucking stupid, then you can just get out right now, because I am not listening to this. I sacrificed myself for you, and you haven't even thanked me for it, yet you talk about the things I should be grateful to you for."

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[info]humanitytorn
2014-02-01 12:50 pm UTC (link)
He wasn't sure how to react to it, to any of it, to being insulted, to her definance. But of course that was her point, he saw her having her own opinion as defiance, he believed he had that right, believed it was his right to treat her as he wished. Had he been so cruel to them all, had he put Caroline's feelings above those of his sister, had he even thought about it like that. It was so dammed hard to trust. Even Caroline whom he had finally admitted to loving more than anything confused him. She didn't try to change him, but she didn't always agree with the things he did and yet for her, for Caroline Forbes he would forgo so much.

"Caroline was not the reason I gave my blood to heal Stefan. Not the only one anyway. And frankly no, I still don't think he's good for you. I think you once again made a choice on the spur of the moment but I've accepted that if I make a move against him I'll lose you. And I'm not willing to do that. Don't you see, in a thousand years you're the only one to stay by my side and I am grateful for that. I even trust you more than most."

God she was infuriating. Klaus got to his feet again, wondering if maybe he should just leave, should just walk out, because how on earth was he supposed to say those things.

"Bekah I'm grateful. I'm not thanking you for going to hell for me because dammit I can't thank you for putting yourself through suffering for me. If I thank you it's like I'm grateful it was you instead of me and whatever you may think of me and whatever horrors I have put you through in your life. You cannot imagine I would ever, ever wish that on you. I do love you. You, Kol, Elijah...I just...I don't always trust that you love me. And I know, call it deluded, call it paranoia, you have before, you all have. I can't be different. I can't be the brother you want me to be but I don't know how else to show you that I care."

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[info]hasherwhims
2014-02-01 05:09 pm UTC (link)
Talking to him could make Rebekah feel every scrap of emotion, all rushing and mixing together in a constant swirl of confusion. Anger, frustration, devastation. He could make her want to truly scream in way no one else had ever managed to do. All she wanted, all she had ever wanted from him was to be loved and respected.

"Then what other reasons, and don't tell me it was for me, after you practically laughed in my face while I begged you, pleaded with you." She had been prepared to sell her soul, and would have gone through with it, for Stefan. For the man she loved. "Stefan is the only lover I've had who didn't leave me through his choice," she reminded Nik. "Alexander never loved me, Marcel chose immortality over me, but Stefan, Stefan needed you to compel him to forget he ever met me before he moved on with his life." And by the time he remembered again, too much damage had been done. It had taken time for her to regain her trust in Stefan Salvatore, let alone love him again, but she had done so.

Though she supposed Nik had a point, with the not thanking her for those reasons. And she nodded with a quiet "okay" at that. "I know you never wished Hell on me. On any of us. I think that was why that circle hurt so much more. Making it feel so real that you would finally cross that line, finally hate me that much that you would kill me." After all, he had put Rebekah through so much pain and suffering, but never crossed that final line. Not completely. "You are deluded and paranoid. Tell me then, why else would I have stayed through everything if I didn't love you? Why would I have pushed you away from the Cage, why would I talk to you now? What possible reasons could I have for any of that other than my love for you?" There were no other explanations. No other reasons. She had loved him through everything, every horrible moment. "Why do you believe so vehemently that you can't be different? I've seen it. I've seen moments when you've shown compassion, rare times when I've seen you love us. More moments when I've seen you love Caroline. That's what makes it so hard for me, because I know you're capable of it."

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