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Tweak says, "Why am I always Lois Lane?"

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Jenny Schecter ([info]dont_f_withme) wrote in [info]vas_captio_rpg,
@ 2009-06-30 15:41:00

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Entry tags:!dropped, day 13, jenny schecter, l lawliet, location: pharmacy/liquor store

Who: Jenny Schecter & L (Open to Laura possibly later on)
What: Walking, looking for Laura
When: Day 13: Mid-morning
Where: Pharmacy/Liquor store
Rating: PG-13ish for now (Jenny & her language...)
Status: Active

Jenny had been walking with her nose in the book for what seemed like hours. Whenever she talked with L, in whatever form it came, the conversation always felt like it was all-absorbing. She'd never known anyone who could engage her so completely the way he did. It was at once both terrifying and comfortable. How those two opposite emotions could co-exist, Jenny wasn't sure. The only thing she did know was she wanted to be sure she didn't fuck it up somehow.

Arriving at the pharmacy, she glanced up almost dazedly from the book and shut it. She tucked the journal into the small bag she'd found in the Thrift Shoppe. White and yellow stripes with cartoon ducklings dancing across the front was as good as it got in that place. She lamented, briefly, the lack of Rodeo Drive in this place. Though thinking about material comforts right now felt shallow.

This was not about being shallow now. She had to toughen up considerably if she was going to survive here. She wondered where Remy was then. When she'd talked to him she'd felt tough enough to handle this place. He brought out something feral and strong in her. She was disappointed he hadn't tried to find her yet in the journals or in person. But it was just as well. The Insider was no more. He was keeping her secret. That was all that mattered, wasn't it?

Quietly, Jenny pushed the door of the pharmacy open and slid inside. If Laura was indeed here, she didn't want to startle the other woman. If L was coming, she wasn't going to wait outside for him. She wanted to talk to Laura alone for a few minutes if she could. Talk some sense into the woman. For in Jenny's mind there just wasn't a way someone could be angry with L. Just couldn't be. Not after the way she'd seen him in the gym with his injuries, needing morphine so badly.

"Hello?" she called out. "Laura?" She picked her way through one of the aisles, eying the bottles of liquor with disinterest. "It's me, Jenny. Can we talk?"


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[info]dont_f_withme
2009-06-30 08:41 pm UTC (link)
Jenny as surprised that she wasn't startled to hear L's voice behind her. She turned slowly as though he'd been there the entire time and gave him a small, wan smile. She wasn't sure how this meeting should go now that there was no immediacy of possible death or the intensity of the newly understood connection between them. She felt awkward and small and ashamed, if she was honest with herself.

"Hi," she said quietly, almost shyly. It had felt completely different to talk to him in the journals with the protective barrier of paper and words between them. This was a little like standing naked in front of the person you secretly love who has no idea you exist. Until you're embarrassingly sans clothes in front of them and they could just laugh and walk away forever. Jenny had never felt this vulnerable to another person in her entire life. She wasn't sure if she liked it yet.

And inside her warred a thousand emotions that were attached to him and yet not him sometimes. Her eyes flitted between the features of his face and each one seemed to illicit some new sensation within her. The fear of loss, the joy of love lost and found, the ease of melting into and out of and around, the fragile intensity of brand new life, the thrill of hiding and hunting, the strange flutter of butterflies in the stomach of a girl being kissed for the first time. It all flowed through her, some of it in the present, some of it feeling like memory. There was so much coursing through her that she took a step, stopped, almost ran and nearly cowered all in a brief moment of indecision. She could have slapped him. She could have run to him and kissed him. So much. Too much. Jenny stood still, tears brightened her eyes. She wasn't sure if they were tears of sadness and remorse or tears of happiness.

"What is this? What? Because I really don't understand. Will it get easier or will I always want to run to you and try to slip inside your skin?" She wiped at her eyes and gave a short, cough of a laugh, trying to smile at him.

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[info]inmyownworld
2009-06-30 09:19 pm UTC (link)
L himself didn't have a name for this rendezvous. Was it a meeting, a séance, or something else entirely? His eyes met Jenny's from across the room. He held her gaze steadily with his own; few knew it, but L had beautiful eyes, with the color and harsh qualities of flint. Before he could reflect on the fact that he was successfully looking another human being in the eyes, he realized that it was like looking into an eternity mirror. How many Jennys had he known? How many of them had existed together? Had they ever killed each other, in addition to dying together? Had they ever created life together? He wasn't sure about the first one, but a soft flutter beneath his rib cage seemed to quiet the second question with a soft hush.

He returned the smile, a Victorian expression on his pale face, timid and trepidatious. He felt the same pull toward her, and aversion to getting too close. They had been happy to see each other, many times before, and angry at each other, and sick with worry, and disgusted and enamored. Stepping softly on his bare feet, he bridged the distance between them, crossing the wood floor toward Jenny and stopping just an arm's length shy of reaching her. The desire to touch her was real and overwhelming, but so was the fear of such an act.

"You're under my skin," he said steadily. "Inside my bones, and behind my retinas." he rested a hand against his sternum, the place they sawed in half for autopsies. Laura had told him, and it had made him shiver with something between horror and curiosity. "Why... why are we shy?" he asked, with a nervous laugh. "We know each other already. We've always known each other."

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[info]dont_f_withme
2009-06-30 10:22 pm UTC (link)
L did have beautiful eyes. They appeared to be seeing straight into her and beyond her. She gazed back for a long moment as her pulse quickened with some inexplicable thrill. The closer he was, the more she felt it. The pull to him and she found herself consciously working to keep her hands at her sides. And not to fidget. She was overwhelmed with the desire to be in the same place, the same space in which he stood. Could they eclipse each other into a single entity? She thought that maybe the had at some point. He had said two halves.

She laughed to hear him say they were shy. If he was shy then her own timidity wasn't a defect. It must be a natural response to being drawn so inexorably to each other almost against their own will. No, that wasn't true. She would be close to him even without this connection having been discovered. She had already enjoyed him. His presence here had been a comfort and a challenge. A welcomed friendship she would have been pleased with even if there had never been this jumble of emotions between them.

"I don't know," she said, her cheeks flushing. "It's strange. I'm not usually shy around anyone. But you. There's something..." she let her voice trail away as her expression turned pensive. "We should be careful here, right? I mean, I don't want Laura to get the wrong idea."

What was the wrong idea? Jenny wasn't sure but she knew damned well that what was between her and L at that moment was very intimate somehow. That was a dangerous road to be on for her and she knew it. Swallowing, she broke her gaze from his and turned her head to look around, to ensure that Laura hadn't come in as she had been so completely absorbed in him.

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[info]inmyownworld
2009-06-30 11:10 pm UTC (link)
To any observer, Jenny and L would be a study in contrasts. Even their similarities seemed to go off at opposite angles; youth was lanky and adolescent on L, while it made Jenny beautiful and desirable. Jenny's dark hair brought out the glow in her skin, while L's exemplified the dark circles below his eyes and his pallor. They both stood awkwardly, Jenny bashful and girlish, L like a crippled vulture. When the comparison was from the inside, however, and the observation up close, the differences were complementary, looking and feeling right together. Their images, like their spirits, were in harmony with each other.

"If human beings are star stuff, we were an atom once." L said, deep in thought. "I wonder what element we became a part of." L was, likewise, completely absorbed in Jenny. Like light on a diamond, every moment that passed revealed a slightly different facet of his soul's other half, and the prismatic effect could have fascinated him for lifetimes.

His flinty, intense gaze was difficult to read when Laura was mentioned. L had not told Jenny about Laura and Remy. At least, he did not remember telling her... maybe under the influence of narcotics, he'd let something slip, but he hadn't wanted to intentionally smear his girlfriend's reputation. Not to someone who brought out the best in him. "Laura would understand, I think," he said, knowing too well that, yes, Laura would understand. She might resent, or be angry, or hurt... but she would understand. At least, he hoped that was the case. They had failed to understand each other, lately, and he hoped that that fact wouldn't return with an icy vengeance if she found her boyfriend, the sweet awkward thing who couldn't bear to make eye contact, standing with Jenny like this.

Would it hurt her, to hear that this was different, that this went beyond human relationships? This was rare. These were two people who had felt somewhat alone in the walk of life, not because they were separated from the world, but because they were separated from each other. Would Laura be heartbroken that she didn't have this profound connection to the man she laid with at night in Vas Captio? Would Laura understand that it meant that she loved Jenny, by loving him, or would she see it as betrayal?

"You're a part of me. She can't not understand..."

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[info]dont_f_withme
2009-07-01 03:01 am UTC (link)
Jenny saw nothing of the crippled vulture in L. No lanky adolescence. It would have surprised her to be told that the man before her was anything but a mirror image of herself. No, she wasn't so blind as to not realize they were of differing genders and races, but Jenny saw beauty in him. Something she wanted to touch and be sure was tangible because she was in awe of him. In awe of all of this really. It still wasn't settling in completely. She was still confused about what was happening, about how she felt about it all. About him.

"Perhaps we were a part of Platinum," she murmured in a way that seemed both slightly dazed and automatic as though she'd said it before. "Strong, beautiful, rare. Part of the stars. Part of the moon. Causing volcanoes and supporting life far beneath the sea. If you and I were anything so important, we were timeless and p- perfect." She stumbled over the last word, because it felt foreign. She was the most imperfect person she could think of at the moment. To stand here with L and claim perfection went beyond her comprehension. This really was massive what was happening to her. To them.

She didn't understand L's expression when she looked back from searching for Laura in the shadows. He hadn't told her about Laura and Remy. Jenny had no reason to think badly about Laura other than perhaps her irritation with thinking Laura could be angry with L. There just couldn't seem to be a big enough reason in the world to be angry with him. Though she was looking at the world from a very different perspective just now. Part of her wanted to find Laura and make the woman open her eyes. Part of her wanted to forget Laura existed or had any claim to him whatsoever. Still another part didn't think either option made sense or mattered. This was outside of cause and affect. Outside perception and attraction.

"I hope you're right. I don't want to come between you and Laura. If we are a part of each other, it would only hurt us both if I did. I want you happy, L." She tilted her head, looking at him from another angle and feeling more of the awakening sensations flow through her. Shyly still, she held out her hand as if to touch his face. She wasn't sure why she felt compelled to but something in her still wanted to be sure he was real.

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[info]inmyownworld
2009-07-03 08:32 pm UTC (link)
The idea that L and Jenny were mirror images was strangely apt. Except that, when L looked in an actual mirror, he saw things that he didn't like. Jenny was like seeing a side of him that had been hidden from him before now. She changed his apathy and made him actually care whether he lived or died. Whether there was a purpose to life, or not, Jenny made it real and important and worth valuing.

"Perfect," he repeated, nodding, glad that she had chosen that word. It was one he'd been anticipating, one he would have said if he'd been speaking in Jenny's place. "Perhaps we were Platinum. It seems appropriate... the structure and strength..." he reflected on what was happening. Most people had to find out and accept who they were, as individuals, before they found someone to share life with, but he and Jenny were different. They were one person, together, and broken when they were separate. L had never depended on anyone so much, or been so responsible for another human being.

"Jenny... I trust Laura to understand," L said, glancing at the floorboards beneath his bare feet. "If she doesn't, or won't... or can't bring herself to, then of course it will hurt. I love her. But, even though this is different, it's love, too, and every bit as intense. I like being with you... I like talking to you, because the world seems to line up and make sense. I can think clearly, and you make me like myself, because I see the best of L in you. That's just how it is. Does that make any sense, whatsoever?"

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[info]dont_f_withme
2009-07-03 09:00 pm UTC (link)
If L was seeing the best of himself in her, Jenny was seeing the best of herself in him. He had a courage that she had never possessed. A strength of character and a strong bond with others. Things she never would have dreamed of seeing in herself but if she had him, she had those things too. He inspired her to want to settle. To give up being flighty and overly dramatic for effect. To want to live. And not just be alive but to really and truly do something important with every day she had.

When he looked away, she let her hand fall to her side. The desire to touch him was still there but the knowledge that they were, in fact, each other in two separate places made the desire less immediate, however intense it might be. It would come in time. They would hug and they would touch and they would probably lay together as they'd done in the gym when they'd both been injured. Had that only been yesterday? She couldn't believe that all of this realization and change had occurred in so short a time.

"It makes a lot of sense, L," she replied with a small smile and a nod.

In theory it was perfectly unquestionable and had always been even if they'd only just met recently in person. In theory. But Jenny's mind was still trying to wrap around all of this. She felt somewhat guilty about it where Laura was concerned because the miasma of emotions she felt for him included desire and lust and longing. Though they did also include hatred and fear and disinterest. How had they managed to be so many things to each other? How did one come to terms with all of this and quiet the emotional tide into something normal, manageable?

"Do you think Laura is here?" she asked then, turning her face away to hide the flush creeping into her cheeks. She took a step or two toward where the coolers were and glanced over her shoulder at him briefly before turning back. "I really want to talk to her. To meet her and be sure that she's not angry with you. So you both can be happy."

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[info]inmyownworld
2009-07-06 02:03 am UTC (link)
It was very inconvenient, L thought, that he had never once felt any kind of extreme devotion for anyone in his entire life before he'd come to Vas Captio. Even his own mother had been regarded with resentment and boredom. Finding a decent conversation, a flicker of interest or an iota of understanding, hadn't even been worth the effort, causing L to retreat further and further into an apathetic shell every day. That was changing now, quickly. Perhaps too quickly. L wasn't sure yet how to welcome and accept the person Jenny was changing him into. But he did know that he was a better person for it, and that he deserved life and everything it could offer him.

"Laura isn't here," L said, shaking his head slowly back and forth, following Jenny automatically as if a string connected them. "She would have seen me coming and revealed herself... and there are only so many places a person can hide in here." Not only that, though Laura's signature scent of cloves and preservatives was ever-present in the liquor store she inhabited, it was true that it was much stronger when she was actually there. "And... if she's angry with me, it's something I'll handle. She'll understand," L repeated, feeling like a broken record, but needing to say it again for his own sake. She'd understand, because of Gambit. Even now, maybe she was with him. L sighed softly, a shadow falling briefly across his face.

"We may as well make the best of this time. It's ours to spend as we want... would you like something to drink?" L asked, opening a newly replenished cooler and grabbing a bottle of cherry coke. He was not a drinker, but after a moment of consideration, he also took a bottle of raspberry Smirnoff's.

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[info]dont_f_withme
2009-07-06 06:24 pm UTC (link)
Jenny felt a bit disappointed that Laura wasn't here. She had really wanted to talk to the woman, try to make her see sense somehow. Not that it was her business to interfere with lovers but she couldn't help herself. It had to be done because L had to be happy. And maybe she was throwing her mind into that so much in order to not think about some of the other things floating around in her head since she and L had realized their bond. It was much easier to look externally than internally at the moment.

Her brows furrowed when he sighed. That expression she'd seen flitter across his features wasn't pleasant either. She did touch him then, her hand on his arm gently. "It will all work out in the end, won't it?" She bit her lip and looked over his face searchingly for a moment. "We should probably change the subject, hm? There's plenty of time to think about the stickiness of love later. There's plenty of time for everything in this place."

When he moved away and asked if she'd like something to drink her eyes traveled the length of one fully stocked shelf of alcohol in large, colorful bottles. "I don't know if there is enough for both of us to drink in here," she joked with a smile. Food was always scarce but there was plenty of vodka. It was ridiculous and she shook her head slightly, still smiling. "I'd better not drink right now. Not with the way I'm feeling. But go ahead if you want to. I don't mind."

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[info]inmyownworld
2009-07-07 07:30 am UTC (link)
It was strange, and L wasn't exactly pleased with himself... but he was glad that Laura was nowhere in sight, he realized. It meant that he would be spared of misunderstandings, even if they would return with a vengeance when Laura herself saw fit to return again.

When Jenny touched him, it was strange and exhilerating. L had grown used to being touched by a corpse, and he'd learned to find the cold skin and the sight of decay sensual. He was only a man, however, and Jenny's warm touch and healthy, radiant life was stunningly, naturally attractive. Paired with their beyond-words bond, it was a lethal and overpowering sensation. He swallowed, pale, trying to temper the rush of emotions that assailed his pounding heart. Yes, he wanted to sleep with Jenny. It was a very strong urge. Turning his thoughts to Eliot, Prufrock, the notion that there will be time, he perched on the edge of the counter, inviting Jenny to join him by softly patting the spot next to him.

"Any fool can see that I love Laura," L said, taking a slow sip of cherry coke and leaving the smiroff's untouched, "but sometimes, I am self-pitying and weak, and ultimately, that hurts us as a couple. Perhaps I am cruel to want things that she can never most likely never give me, even if I manage the impossible and bring her back to life. Maybe what we want is too different... she wants the thrill of sensation, and I want..." he shook his head restlessly, turning the coke bottle in his hands. "It's no matter," he said quietly, after a pause. "I would not be a good role model, or provider, or nurturer."



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[info]dont_f_withme
2009-07-07 01:37 pm UTC (link)
The touch had made her fingertips sing with some odd, exquisite sensation that traveled down her arm, slipping down her spine to settle at its base in a sensual coil ready to spring at any moment. With the addition of alcohol she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this conversation would cease to be innocent and they would have a lot more between them for Laura to misunderstand.

Would it always be like this? A completely heightened sense of awareness to him that made her want to merge with him somehow, pull him deep inside and never let go. It seemed impossible to be survive this way for any length of time but she wouldn't give it up for anything.

Jenny smiled a bit less shyly at him as she hopped up onto the counter beside him. She smoothed the hem of her sundress against her knees as he spoke, her gaze sweeping his features, memorizing them and finding she already knew them well. "Self-pitying and weak," he said and she nodded understandingly. She knew those things well in herself. It's what led her to choose the wrong person to fall in love with almost 100% of the time. She wasn't sure that Laura was the wrong person for L because she didn't know Laura except for some very confusing interactions in the journals the day of the clones. But what he was telling Jenny made it sound as though Laura was inconsiderate of his feelings while he held hers up as treasures.

She could feel herself getting agitated over this. If L had been someone else she would have already thoroughly slashed through the idea of Laura being worth his time and advised him to move on. Except she knew that he had better judgment than anyone she'd met before. If he loved Laura there was good reason for it and so her ultimate goal was just to see him happy with her. Wherever she was. That also bothered Jenny. Where was Laura now when everyone had been healed and things were okay? Why wasn't she spending her time with L now? She opened her mouth to say something spiteful but some new inner voice seemed to be telling her to hold her tongue so she closed it again, shaking her head.

Instead she said, "What you want is not irrelevant. In a way, you and Laura are two halves of a different whole. If only her wants matter it's very unequal and not fair to you. What do you want?"

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[info]inmyownworld
2009-07-08 06:02 am UTC (link)
It was probably a good thing that neither of them were drinking alcohol. L's cherry coke set uneasily in his stomach as he wondered who was in the right, where Laura was concerned. The woman was upset, and understandably so... she was dead. It was a terrible thing, to be dead; L knew this because she said so often. It was frustrating and terrible, and yet wonderful at the same time. If it would always be like this, how could he or Jenny survive it until one or (more likely) both of them caved to the very strong set of urges that came with their bond? How would Laura react, when she found out? It didn't occur to L just now to keep it a secret... he didn't think that he should have secrets, from the woman he was sleeping with... but it would occur to him later. He would grapple with the concept for hours.

If L had known that his own heart of misery was coloring his words thus, he would doubtless have clamped his mouth shut and refused to say any more, even to Jenny. The truth was, Laura's feelings meant ten times what his own did, to him. Laura had reasons, he confirmed to himself, for not being here. Something terrible might be happening to her, somewhere... if anything, L was doing her a dishonor by not combing every blade of grass in Vas Captio for a sign of her. She had been depressed and listless, and that had been the last that L had seen of her.

"What I want is unfair and unrealistic," L said, using the crimped bottle cap to pick at one of his jagged fingernails. "It's something Laura couldn't give me, as she is. It's something I may only want because I am appallingly naive. But in any life... I haven't had children. Even when circumstances allowed, and we were involved that way, we never had children. Maybe that's why we keep coming back, because I know we've come close, and I like to think that we'll manage it, someday." he bit his lip, closing his hand around the bottle cap.

"This is a sensitive issue, with Laura... obviously. It hurts us both, more deeply than words can say, to know what we can't create together."

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[info]dont_f_withme
2009-07-08 06:15 am UTC (link)
Jenny was somewhat confused by the language he used. She couldn't pinpoint when he was talking of Laura or when it bled into talking of he and Jenny at certain points. Everything seemed to bleed together for her where he was concerned and as she had no one else to think of the way he had, she wanted to be sure. Taking a hesitant breath she asked, "You and Laura have been together for some time and never had children? That's why you keep coming back? Are you connected to her somehow like you're connected to me?"

For all she knew, he could be. Who was to say that people could not be connected and bonded to infinite amounts of people. The prospect of him being connected to Laura in the same way he was connected to her suddenly set her into a yawning chasm. She felt alone and surrounded by nothingness. That wasn't fair. Not at all. She wouldn't tell him. Wouldn't let one iota of its weight on her show when she smiled at him next.

"I don't think it's unfair or unrealistic to want children, L. It's perfectly natural. Maybe it won't happen for you and Laura in this lifetime but in the next it might!"

Her hand went unconsciously to her own womb, considering how little she'd ever thought of it in that respect and amazed at this dynamic between them now. He wanted children with someone who could not have them. She could have them but she'd never even considered wanting them. A pain stabbed at her heart. Something like total vaccuum of hope. She knew what it was to want to die for a real reason for a moment and blinked back tears. No. No. Stop it. This was just one more alternative in an endless cycle. Things would be different another time.

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[info]inmyownworld
2009-07-12 02:52 pm UTC (link)
L himself wasn't quite sure. He knew, for certain, that Laura couldn't have children. He shook his head. "No. Laura and I met when I came here. We are connected, but it's nothing like what you and I have. I remember a lot of disjointed things... snapshots, really, from former lives. Nothing in detail, but I've never been a father, in any of those lives with you. But I want to be, and that is why it is unfair. Laura can't have children. She is not living. Her insides are scrambled from her autopsy." L knew how terrible that sounded, but he forced the words out, trying to get saying it over with.

He heard Jenny's overbright words, words that assumed that he and Laura would meet again in another life though Laura had assured him that could not be. When they died, or in Laura's case, went back to the earth and a dark place beyond Heaven or Hell, they would be separated. They would continue to exist on different planes.

"Jenny..." fumbling for some napkins behind the counter, he glanced away from the fact that she was clearly fighting back tears and pushed them into her hands. They were white, with little flowers printed around the edge. "Happy... happy endings are scarce these days, aren't they?" he stammered, hoping that the irony would lighten the mood a little, but aware that he might be overly optimistic for thinking so.

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[info]dont_f_withme
2009-07-16 05:55 pm UTC (link)
Jenny could feel herself slipping into old patterns and emotions more quickly by the minute. The moments of realization and the changes they'd begun to make in her were not holding firm. They'd lost their luster and she was feeling empty again. Subconsciously she knew she was rejecting their bond because she didn't think he would take it as seriously as she was taking it. Because he had Laura. He wouldn't need her. Not as soon as Laura came back. He would be complete with Laura and she would be extra weight again.

There was no way she was going to tell him what she was thinking or feeling about that. She could hide. She wouldn't lie but she would most definitely conceal her worry and fear. Fear that was cutting through her as sharp and harsh as any knife could have. She felt breathless for a moment and not the wonderful breathlessness she'd felt when she'd touched him earlier. Now, in the wake of this fear, she knew she would never purposely touch him again. She couldn't handle it.

She was crumbling and it made her angry to be losing ground so quickly beneath her feet. This should have been the best thing to happen in her short existence as Jennifer Diane Schecter. Finding her soulmate. Connecting so implictly with him. How could she be jealous of anything or anyone? Yet she was and there was no way for her to reconcile it to herself and for sure L wouldn't understand it. So she smiled on.

Taking the napkins with the imprinted flowers, she chuckled lightly, being careful not to touch his skin with her fingertips. This had gotten too serious and she was grateful for his irony. "Happy endings are overrated though, aren't they? It's the sad and bittersweet books that win the awards. But I don't think you should let that stop you from being happy, dearest."

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[info]inmyownworld
2009-07-18 04:48 pm UTC (link)
Sadly, L was not an emotionally perceptive person, and no bond could change that. Had he been able to read Jenny like an open book, he would have started and demanded that they sort through this, embraced her, assured her that he couldn't not take this seriously. Because, he was taking it every bit as seriously as she was.

"I am happy..." L said, a crease in his brow, as if he was almost sure that he was, but not quite. "I'm definitely happy. More so than I have been in a long time." he studied Jenny's smile. There was something odd about it, distant, sad... though perhaps it was because of the fact that they were discussing the beautiful, sad stories that critics adored and most other people could only read once without their hearts breaking.

"Would you rather be happy, or win awards?" L asked, taking another napkin and busily destroying it with restless fingers.

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[info]dont_f_withme
2009-07-19 04:14 am UTC (link)
Jenny smiled as L said he was happy. It was what she was supposed to do, right? She wiped at her eyes with the napkins he'd handed her, clearing her vision of tears and delusions all with a continued smile. She could do this. Yes. It was all swept under the rug and tied up in a tidy little package of forgotteness. When Jenny gave up the hope, it was done. It took a lot for her mind to be changed again.

"I would rather win awards," she answered and laughed lightly amidst a rustle of napkins. She watched his fingers ripping and mutilating the napkins he held and wondered what drove him to do that. It almost made her want to reach out and take his hand, guide it to some better employment. But what? And how could she touch him without feeling that tide of emotions and the reminder of loss? She couldn't. So she remained passive.

"Winning awards would mean I was important. Successful. I reached an audience enough to touch them somehow. That's the ultimate goal for me as a writer. What would you like to do most in this world, L? I mean, um, besides be the most talented detective there ever was. Or is making Sherlock Holmes pale in comparison your lifetime goal?"

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[info]inmyownworld
2009-07-23 12:02 am UTC (link)
In truth, L destroyed things with his hands when he felt at a loss to create. His heart hurt, for many reasons, and he could think of many ways his hands could be more happily occupied, but as it was, the napkins were all that was keeping him from allowing one hand to tear at the other. The skin, the nails... it was childish. Compulsive, pathetic, self-destructive... like Jenny, he knew what he wanted, but was too afraid and too ashamed to say what it was.

"I can think of many authors, esteemed in their fields and the literary world, who died alone and unhappy," L said, with a sad smile. "Most in this world... I'd like..." he faltered.

I want to be a dad. I want a family. I don't want to die alone like so many have in this place.

"I guess... I want..." L shook his head restlessly. "What could I possibly want? I have a soul mate, and this place isn't as bad as it used to be... maybe... a cake," he decided. "Like my mom made a long time ago. I'd give a lot for a warm chocolate cake with white-mountain frosting."

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<< Bumping this over
[info]dont_f_withme
2009-07-23 08:43 pm UTC (link)
 

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