InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Ive got a luvly buncha coconut"

Jenny Schecter (dont_f_withme) wrote in vas_captio_rpg,
@ 2009-06-30 15:41:00

Entry tags:

!dropped, day 13, jenny schecter, l lawliet, location: pharmacy/liquor store

Who: Jenny Schecter & L (Open to Laura possibly later on)
What: Walking, looking for Laura
When: Day 13: Mid-morning
Where: Pharmacy/Liquor store
Rating: PG-13ish for now (Jenny & her language...)
Status: Active

Jenny had been walking with her nose in the book for what seemed like hours. Whenever she talked with L, in whatever form it came, the conversation always felt like it was all-absorbing. She'd never known anyone who could engage her so completely the way he did. It was at once both terrifying and comfortable. How those two opposite emotions could co-exist, Jenny wasn't sure. The only thing she did know was she wanted to be sure she didn't fuck it up somehow.

Arriving at the pharmacy, she glanced up almost dazedly from the book and shut it. She tucked the journal into the small bag she'd found in the Thrift Shoppe. White and yellow stripes with cartoon ducklings dancing across the front was as good as it got in that place. She lamented, briefly, the lack of Rodeo Drive in this place. Though thinking about material comforts right now felt shallow.

This was not about being shallow now. She had to toughen up considerably if she was going to survive here. She wondered where Remy was then. When she'd talked to him she'd felt tough enough to handle this place. He brought out something feral and strong in her. She was disappointed he hadn't tried to find her yet in the journals or in person. But it was just as well. The Insider was no more. He was keeping her secret. That was all that mattered, wasn't it?

Quietly, Jenny pushed the door of the pharmacy open and slid inside. If Laura was indeed here, she didn't want to startle the other woman. If L was coming, she wasn't going to wait outside for him. She wanted to talk to Laura alone for a few minutes if she could. Talk some sense into the woman. For in Jenny's mind there just wasn't a way someone could be angry with L. Just couldn't be. Not after the way she'd seen him in the gym with his injuries, needing morphine so badly.

"Hello?" she called out. "Laura?" She picked her way through one of the aisles, eying the bottles of liquor with disinterest. "It's me, Jenny. Can we talk?"

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inmyownworld
2009-07-08 06:02 am UTC (link)

It was probably a good thing that neither of them were drinking alcohol. L's cherry coke set uneasily in his stomach as he wondered who was in the right, where Laura was concerned. The woman was upset, and understandably so... she was dead. It was a terrible thing, to be dead; L knew this because she said so often. It was frustrating and terrible, and yet wonderful at the same time. If it would always be like this, how could he or Jenny survive it until one or (more likely) both of them caved to the very strong set of urges that came with their bond? How would Laura react, when she found out? It didn't occur to L just now to keep it a secret... he didn't think that he should have secrets, from the woman he was sleeping with... but it would occur to him later. He would grapple with the concept for hours.

If L had known that his own heart of misery was coloring his words thus, he would doubtless have clamped his mouth shut and refused to say any more, even to Jenny. The truth was, Laura's feelings meant ten times what his own did, to him. Laura had reasons, he confirmed to himself, for not being here. Something terrible might be happening to her, somewhere... if anything, L was doing her a dishonor by not combing every blade of grass in Vas Captio for a sign of her. She had been depressed and listless, and that had been the last that L had seen of her.

"What I want is unfair and unrealistic," L said, using the crimped bottle cap to pick at one of his jagged fingernails. "It's something Laura couldn't give me, as she is. It's something I may only want because I am appallingly naive. But in any life... I haven't had children. Even when circumstances allowed, and we were involved that way, we never had children. Maybe that's why we keep coming back, because I know we've come close, and I like to think that we'll manage it, someday." he bit his lip, closing his hand around the bottle cap.

"This is a sensitive issue, with Laura... obviously. It hurts us both, more deeply than words can say, to know what we can't create together."

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dont_f_withme
2009-07-08 06:15 am UTC (link)

Jenny was somewhat confused by the language he used. She couldn't pinpoint when he was talking of Laura or when it bled into talking of he and Jenny at certain points. Everything seemed to bleed together for her where he was concerned and as she had no one else to think of the way he had, she wanted to be sure. Taking a hesitant breath she asked, "You and Laura have been together for some time and never had children? That's why you keep coming back? Are you connected to her somehow like you're connected to me?"

For all she knew, he could be. Who was to say that people could not be connected and bonded to infinite amounts of people. The prospect of him being connected to Laura in the same way he was connected to her suddenly set her into a yawning chasm. She felt alone and surrounded by nothingness. That wasn't fair. Not at all. She wouldn't tell him. Wouldn't let one iota of its weight on her show when she smiled at him next.

"I don't think it's unfair or unrealistic to want children, L. It's perfectly natural. Maybe it won't happen for you and Laura in this lifetime but in the next it might!"

Her hand went unconsciously to her own womb, considering how little she'd ever thought of it in that respect and amazed at this dynamic between them now. He wanted children with someone who could not have them. She could have them but she'd never even considered wanting them. A pain stabbed at her heart. Something like total vaccuum of hope. She knew what it was to want to die for a real reason for a moment and blinked back tears. No. No. Stop it. This was just one more alternative in an endless cycle. Things would be different another time.

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inmyownworld
2009-07-12 02:52 pm UTC (link)

L himself wasn't quite sure. He knew, for certain, that Laura couldn't have children. He shook his head. "No. Laura and I met when I came here. We are connected, but it's nothing like what you and I have. I remember a lot of disjointed things... snapshots, really, from former lives. Nothing in detail, but I've never been a father, in any of those lives with you. But I want to be, and that is why it is unfair. Laura can't have children. She is not living. Her insides are scrambled from her autopsy." L knew how terrible that sounded, but he forced the words out, trying to get saying it over with.

He heard Jenny's overbright words, words that assumed that he and Laura would meet again in another life though Laura had assured him that could not be. When they died, or in Laura's case, went back to the earth and a dark place beyond Heaven or Hell, they would be separated. They would continue to exist on different planes.

"Jenny..." fumbling for some napkins behind the counter, he glanced away from the fact that she was clearly fighting back tears and pushed them into her hands. They were white, with little flowers printed around the edge. "Happy... happy endings are scarce these days, aren't they?" he stammered, hoping that the irony would lighten the mood a little, but aware that he might be overly optimistic for thinking so.

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dont_f_withme
2009-07-16 05:55 pm UTC (link)

Jenny could feel herself slipping into old patterns and emotions more quickly by the minute. The moments of realization and the changes they'd begun to make in her were not holding firm. They'd lost their luster and she was feeling empty again. Subconsciously she knew she was rejecting their bond because she didn't think he would take it as seriously as she was taking it. Because he had Laura. He wouldn't need her. Not as soon as Laura came back. He would be complete with Laura and she would be extra weight again.

There was no way she was going to tell him what she was thinking or feeling about that. She could hide. She wouldn't lie but she would most definitely conceal her worry and fear. Fear that was cutting through her as sharp and harsh as any knife could have. She felt breathless for a moment and not the wonderful breathlessness she'd felt when she'd touched him earlier. Now, in the wake of this fear, she knew she would never purposely touch him again. She couldn't handle it.

She was crumbling and it made her angry to be losing ground so quickly beneath her feet. This should have been the best thing to happen in her short existence as Jennifer Diane Schecter. Finding her soulmate. Connecting so implictly with him. How could she be jealous of anything or anyone? Yet she was and there was no way for her to reconcile it to herself and for sure L wouldn't understand it. So she smiled on.

Taking the napkins with the imprinted flowers, she chuckled lightly, being careful not to touch his skin with her fingertips. This had gotten too serious and she was grateful for his irony. "Happy endings are overrated though, aren't they? It's the sad and bittersweet books that win the awards. But I don't think you should let that stop you from being happy, dearest."

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inmyownworld
2009-07-18 04:48 pm UTC (link)

Sadly, L was not an emotionally perceptive person, and no bond could change that. Had he been able to read Jenny like an open book, he would have started and demanded that they sort through this, embraced her, assured her that he couldn't not take this seriously. Because, he was taking it every bit as seriously as she was.

"I am happy..." L said, a crease in his brow, as if he was almost sure that he was, but not quite. "I'm definitely happy. More so than I have been in a long time." he studied Jenny's smile. There was something odd about it, distant, sad... though perhaps it was because of the fact that they were discussing the beautiful, sad stories that critics adored and most other people could only read once without their hearts breaking.

"Would you rather be happy, or win awards?" L asked, taking another napkin and busily destroying it with restless fingers.

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dont_f_withme
2009-07-19 04:14 am UTC (link)

Jenny smiled as L said he was happy. It was what she was supposed to do, right? She wiped at her eyes with the napkins he'd handed her, clearing her vision of tears and delusions all with a continued smile. She could do this. Yes. It was all swept under the rug and tied up in a tidy little package of forgotteness. When Jenny gave up the hope, it was done. It took a lot for her mind to be changed again.

"I would rather win awards," she answered and laughed lightly amidst a rustle of napkins. She watched his fingers ripping and mutilating the napkins he held and wondered what drove him to do that. It almost made her want to reach out and take his hand, guide it to some better employment. But what? And how could she touch him without feeling that tide of emotions and the reminder of loss? She couldn't. So she remained passive.

"Winning awards would mean I was important. Successful. I reached an audience enough to touch them somehow. That's the ultimate goal for me as a writer. What would you like to do most in this world, L? I mean, um, besides be the most talented detective there ever was. Or is making Sherlock Holmes pale in comparison your lifetime goal?"

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inmyownworld
2009-07-23 12:02 am UTC (link)

In truth, L destroyed things with his hands when he felt at a loss to create. His heart hurt, for many reasons, and he could think of many ways his hands could be more happily occupied, but as it was, the napkins were all that was keeping him from allowing one hand to tear at the other. The skin, the nails... it was childish. Compulsive, pathetic, self-destructive... like Jenny, he knew what he wanted, but was too afraid and too ashamed to say what it was.

"I can think of many authors, esteemed in their fields and the literary world, who died alone and unhappy," L said, with a sad smile. "Most in this world... I'd like..." he faltered.

I want to be a dad. I want a family. I don't want to die alone like so many have in this place.

"I guess... I want..." L shook his head restlessly. "What could I possibly want? I have a soul mate, and this place isn't as bad as it used to be... maybe... a cake," he decided. "Like my mom made a long time ago. I'd give a lot for a warm chocolate cake with white-mountain frosting."

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