InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I'm eloping you to canada"

Carol Danvers-Vance (spacesoldier) wrote in valloic,
@ 2024-11-02 15:43:00

Entry tags:

!: action/thread/log, marvel: carol danvers, marvel: valkyrie

Carol & Valkyrie

WHAT: Finally having a serious kids talk
WHERE: New Asgard
WHEN: Halloween night
WARNINGS: Future kid trauma for Carol
STATUS: Complete

"Carol. Do you not want children, or are you just scared of the idea?"

New Asgard was bustling on the eve of Halloween. King Valkyrie had declared she would pass out candy to every child that came by, and there were a ton of them—despite the village’s usual sleepy nature. Carol would say roughly sixty-five percent of the kids they saw didn’t live anywhere in the area, but unless she knocked on doors, it was only an educated guess. She wasn’t creative with her costume. She wore her suit with the colors changed to orange, black, and glowing yellow, appropriate for the holiday but exceedingly low effort. Hours slipped by, and as it got later, there were fewer littles—more often groups of teenagers, grinning and giggling like they were getting away with something. Carol settled back into the lawn chair, checking for any messages from her staff at Al’s, then tucked it away when she found none. “Might be getting close to wind down time, babe,” she told Valkyrie. "Yeah, I guess," Valkyrie said reluctantly. She dressed up as Thor, not expecting anyone to recognize her costume, having forgotten that he'd lived in Vallo, specifically in New Asgard. So she did not go unrecognized and enjoyed the comments she got on it and had kids wanting to lift the hammer all night long. Being a shoddily made replica, they had no trouble with it, which also amused her. But she'd been enjoying seeing all the kids come by, talking to them about their costumes, hearing stories of their memories of Thor. Even the teenagers were fun, dressing up and shamelessly collecting free candy. She couldn't fault them. "You sure you don't want a kid or two? Just being able to dress them up for Halloween would make the entire experience worth it, I think." “Kids are a lot more work than that, Val,” Carol pointed out, flexing her fingers to keep the tension that tightened her shoulders from seeping through the rest of her body. “And they get less cute and more difficult with age.” "You say that like you have experience," Val replied, raising a brow. "But you've never complained about Monica before." Not for that reason, at least. Carol was silent as she weighed her options. She could brush this all aside easily—claim she was talking about herself or one of her brothers and move on like it was nothing. But she had been holding back this truth from Valkyrie for a long time, maybe because she wanted to hold it back from herself, too. Maybe it was time to come clean. Heaving a sigh, she patted the arm of the second lawn chair beside her and met her lover’s gaze. “Come over here.” Valkyrie got up from the steps and made her way over to Carol, looking at her girlfriend with concern in her eyes. She had no idea what this was about, but she also knew she was about to learn. "Alright," she said, taking a seat. "Fill me in?" Carol took Valkyrie’s hand immediately, lacing their fingers together. Her throat felt tight, but she exhaled through her nose and opened her mouth anyway. One way or another, this needed to come out. “So, the timeslip,” she began. “We talked about it when Monica aged down, how things like that have happened like that around before. Aging up and down and…future kids.” She met Valkyrie’s eyes meaningfully, wishing she could just let her infer the rest, but she had to continue. “Emmeline and I had a daughter visit. Twice. Her name was Marley. The first year we met her, she was eight and completely perfect. The second year, we didn’t see her. The third year was last year, and she showed up again. She was seventeen, and she—” She squeezed Valkyrie’s hand, gathering herself. She hated dredging this up. She hated thinking about it. She hated knowing the teenager she had met was who she was because of Carol—because of her neglect or her bad choices. She hated even more that now there was no way to change it, no path that would set them all on the right track. Because Emmeline was gone, and without Emmeline, there was no Marley. “We didn’t get along,” she finished simply. “And I think it’s better not to make a similar mistake. I have you, Monica, and Kamala for as long as Vallo will let me keep you. That’s enough.” Valkyrie waited patiently, resisting the urge to prompt Carol as she built up the courage to finish talking. Then she immediately lifted their joined hands and kissed Carol's. "Marv, I'm sorry. That had to have been difficult to see and deal with." Especially knowing how Carol had felt in her own home, and knowing that she'd never want a kid to feel that way. "But that was just a moment in time, was it not? How do you know that you didn't catch Marley in the midst of a particular bout of teenage angst?" “I probably did,” Carol admitted. It wasn’t the first time that particular point had been brought to her attention, and she could acknowledge that it was most likely true. Marley had been trying to figure out how to handle Carol’s cosmic powers when she had always identified solely as a witch, and Carol was sure that had to be hellish. The problem was that she refused Carol’s help. She continually turned away from her. Maybe it was just tricky teenage demons, but it was hard not to take it as a personal slight. And it brought into question why Carol-of-the-future hadn’t prepared her daughter for this well in advance. The onset of those powers might have been a surprise, but the absolute lack of awareness that it was possible continued to baffle Carol even now. “I just don’t think I’m cut out for motherhood anymore,” she said. She was repeating herself; she’d said the same without this context when Monica was little again. “And, honestly, I don’t trust Vallo not to rip a kid away from me even if we had one.” "If we had a kid, wouldn't they be native?" Valkyrie asked. "And I think the exact opposite of you. I think you'd make a terrific mother, and I saw that when Monica was a child here. It's not something I want to pressure you into, Marv. But I cannot believe you'd be a terrible mom in any sense." “I don’t want to chance it,” Carol replied quietly, turning her gaze up to the starry night sky. She remembered how she’d acted with Marley—how she’d gone commanding officer on her and served only to push the two of them farther apart. It was one of the few things that made her grateful that her relationship with Monica had become so minimal over the years. At least she had never seen how much like her father Carol could be. "How bad could it have been?" Valkyrie asked, completely unable to picture a scenario so bad to match Carol's hesitance now. “Bad enough, Val.” Carol looked back at her girlfriend, solemn-faced and tired. “Is this really that important to you? Having a kid? I thought you were okay without them.” "I was, and I'll probably get over it," Valkyrie said. "But seeing the kids tonight? I loved every minute, from the parents bringing the babies who were too small for candy by in strollers, to the teenagers still dressing up even now. You have to admit, we saw some cute kids tonight." She looked at Carol. "Didn't you help raise Monica in one of your histories? And that turned out alright, didn't it?" “Barely. Not where it counted,” Carol answered. “I was there until she was five, and then I was kidnapped. After I made it back and got my shit together, I visited for a while until Maria and I agreed to cut off the expectation. I wasn’t coming back enough to make it worth it, and I still missed most of the big milestones.” "Carol," Valkyrie started, her use of her girlfriend's actual name reserved for moments like this. "Do you not want children, or are you just scared of the idea? Because I know you. I can't speak to what happened in this weird Vallo future, but I don't think you can, either. You only saw a glimpse. And if you really don't want children, if that idea is completely off the radar, then I'll respect that. But if it's just that you're afraid you'll mess up, I think you deserve a chance to prove yourself wrong." “I’m not looking for that chance,” Carol snapped defensively, her jaw tight and her eyes hard. She stood up and took a few steps away, arms crossed over her chest and head tilted up skyward again while she tried to collect herself. She wanted to fly, but she wouldn’t let herself. She stayed grounded. She wasn’t going to run away again. She had done that to Valkyrie before—to nearly everyone she’d ever loved—and she didn’t want to do it anymore. But she didn’t want to have this conversation. She wished she had never brought it up. She wished Val had never brought it up. Unfortunately for her, she couldn’t bend the will of the world to her liking. Val frowned as Carol stood up and looked at the sky but breathed out when she remained solidly on the ground. With Warsong there, she could chase Carol, but that seemed like overkill on someone wanting to run. She preferred this. Even if the conversation was painful and she still couldn't fully understand why. But she didn't say anything, instead standing up herself and crossing the distance to Carol, placing a hand on her shoulder and silently inviting her to turn back around. Carol closed her eyes and breathed slowly in and out when she felt Valkyrie’s hand on her shoulder. She appreciated the support but felt on edge all over, still ready to snap and defend herself at the next well-meant question. Valkyrie didn’t understand, and why should she? She hadn’t lived through it. She hadn’t told her wife she didn’t want their kid because of a bad experience and then lost her wife barely three months later. But none of that was Valkyrie’s baggage. It was Carol’s. And someday, somehow, she needed to learn how to cope with it. “I’m sorry.” She turned around, the small smile curling her lips echoing the apology. “That wasn’t fair.” "Talk to me, Marv?" Valkyrie said, searching Carol's eyes for some clue of what was happening, and what prompted this reaction. It was hard to believe it was purely teenage angst and a bad week or ten days or whatever Vallo had given them that time. But she couldn't read Carol's mind to know one way or the other. “I’m trying,” Carol sighed softly, her hands sliding into her hair. The problem was she was always a little emotionally stunted. She had gotten better over time at communicating her feelings, and even at her worst, she knew she was worlds better than some. But she was so accustomed to keeping every feeling internal for as long as she could that getting it all out in understandable words wasn’t an easy task for her. And she had crammed all of this so far into the back of her head that pulling it back out now hurt. “Being a mom was never something I wanted before Monica,” she said. “And I’ve always felt I failed with her. I hurt her, and she deserved better than me, in every one of the lives I’ve lived. I thought I would be better with the next kid, but it didn’t feel like I was. I was like…the reason Marley was cursed with cosmic powers, Val. She didn’t want anything to do with me, and I handled it badly. I turned into this asshole commanding officer instead of trying to be a mom. And I don’t want to inflict that on another kid.” Valkyrie looked at Carol with nothing but love. "Marv, I'm sorry you went through that. I'm not going to push you into really considering something you never wanted just because I had the idea of dressing hypothetical children up in cute costumes once in the entirety of my existence. But for what it's worth, love… I don't think you had the full picture there. This place messes with us. And sure, it may show the future, but it's only a future. Not that I really need to tell you that…" Because that future had Emmeline in it, after all. Which she suspected was part of it. "What future do you want now, Marv?" “You,” Carol replied without hesitation, reaching out to take Valkyrie’s hands. “Whether it’s here or back home or in some other horrible fucking world. The kids part…” She trailed off and sighed. “I’m not saying I would never consider it again. I may not have started out wanting it, but I guess it grew on me.” She shrugged, averting her eyes for a moment. “Right now, though, I can’t. It’s too fresh, and I would rather just focus on who I have here in front of me. Is that okay?” "Yes, of course," Valkyrie answered with an equal lack of hesitation. But it made more sense now, that maybe Carol did want something she was scared to really embrace. Valkyrie could be patient with that. The two of them had time, if Vallo would grant it. And Vallo owed her one after fucking with her memory for fun. Sure, that may have been a specific coven, but that didn't matter. Vallo owed Carol everything. "Just remember, Marv. I'm never gonna judge you as hard as you judge yourself." And sometimes Carol needed that outside perspective to rein herself in from being too harsh on herself. Carol chuckled wryly. “You should,” she countered. She deserved it, not only for the issues she could cause between the two of them but for a multitude of other reasons. “But thank you,” she relented easily. "No, I shouldn't," Valkyrie said firmly. Because Carol didn't deserve that, not from Val and not from herself. She leaned in and kissed her, then pulled back, meeting Carol's eyes. "Maybe it's time we work on letting some of that shit go." They had a future to look toward, not just unenviable past decisions Carol had to make along the way in a place that kept fucking with her. Carol let her forehead drift to press against Valkyrie’s, closing what little distance was between them again. Despite all her shit, being with Val was what calmed her and soothed the old pains when they flared again. She would never not chase that feeling. “Does that mean therapy?” she asked. That wasn't what Valkyrie had meant, but she considered the question, and Carol, mindfully. "Do you want it to mean therapy, Marv?" she asked. Carol shrugged. “It wouldn’t be the first time. Emme and I were going when she disappeared. I haven’t been back since.” "Was it helping before?" Valkyrie asked. Therapy wasn't her thing, but her thing had been trying to drink herself to death so maybe she shouldn't dismiss this option too quickly. "And it seems like when you quit is when it would have been most useful…" Another shrug was Carol’s only response to that. “What did you mean?” "Honestly, I'm not sure. Other than I know you need to talk about these things you like to bottle up. Whether that's with me or a therapist who probably knows what they're doing." She considered Carol, taking in this new information about her. "Why were you and Emme going before? Was it together or separate?" Carol wasn’t quite sure how she managed to open up yet another subject she didn’t want to discuss. It must have been some mysterious, otherworldly gift. Overall, she preferred her powers falling into that category. “Together. Over the Marley thing. I told Emme I was scared of having her after everything, so we were trying to work it out. No Emme, no Marley, no therapy.” Valkyrie frowned, connecting the dots of how close together everything must have happened. "So maybe you should try it again, babe. I don't know if it will help or not. Therapy's never been my thing, but my thing was trying to drink myself to death so that's definitely not the way to go. But one way or the other, you should talk about these things, Marv. I love you, and I'm not going to judge you for anything you've been through. But pushing you to talk has kinda always been my thing…" From the day they'd met. Carol couldn’t help but smirk at that last part, lifting her arms to sling them around Valkyrie’s neck and pulling her in close. “Well, I wouldn’t wanna go to a therapist and make it feel like someone’s stealing your thing,” she joked, pleased with the opportunity to lighten the mood again. This was her comfort zone, outside of Captain Marvel. Big, intense emotions were not. "Then I'm gonna make you talk more later," Valkyrie pointed out, even as she wrapped her arms tightly around Carol's waist. "But right now, I think I need to stop looking like Thor…" “Good plan,” Carol agreed before kissing Valkyrie. “Let’s go inside. We can watch stupid horror movies and polish off the leftover candy.” "Sure," Valkyrie replied. "After you get this costume off of me," she added with a smirk, pulling Carol back toward their cottage, ready for a night in with just the two of them.