WHAT. Del gets his confrontation. Cayden is emotional about it. WHERE. the Mountain base WHEN. Late April 1st WARNINGS. angsty makeout ahoy STATUS. complete
Once again, as always, perpetually, Del was not sleeping. How could he? He had spent the better part of the week feeling irrevocably torn between instinct and personal space. He had held his tongue and chewed the inside of his cheek so hard that he, on more than one occasion, tasted blood. He had wanted to simply slip into the cool comfort of Cayden and Eli's presence, and then get home with his heart intact. Instead he had swayed between the two of them, a pendulum of wants and needs that were met with eagerness and apprehension. Even with the walls behind Cayden's features seeming to crumble, just a bit, there was still so much unsaid that Del felt he could physically wade through it.
But he didn't have much time to question it. They had to capture the beast, they had to make it to the portal, and they had to hope for the best. There were a lot of what ifs slotted in there, and Del had spent the better part of—what would be—his last evening in this Vallo pacing in the dim-lit arcane light of the caves worrying about it. He assumed he was not the only one.
When impatience chewed through his resolve, Del was back into the room that was Cayden and Eli's shared space. It might have, at some point, been the shared space between the three of them. That was another question mark he didn't have answers to and his infernal curiosity about how and why and what caused him to finally bite the dust was itching at the back of his mind.
It drove him into the bed, slow-crawling up beside Cayden's sleeping form, who was wrapped around Eli. Not an unfamiliar sight, and it both pleased and hurt Del in equal measure. He expected to be shoved off, or to wake them up—he might have and they were just giving him the benefit of the doubt—but it was Cayden who he wanted to talk to. In what might be their last opportunity to do so.
He pressed his forehead against the back of Cayden's neck, an all-too-familiar gesture he did at home for closeness, and pressed into Cayden's mind. Come take a walk with me. I don't want to wake him.
Cayden hadn't slept well in years. He slept fitfully, when he did sleep, and it was almost always curled tightly around Eli. Something in his subconscious must have recognized Del in that moment. Something primal triggered a different response than anyone but Eli would've gotten. Whether it was the smell of him, or the beat of his heart, Del's mental whisper pulled Cayden out of the shallow depths of sleep with all the warmth of a desperate hug.
He had to stay very still for a moment just to relearn how to breathe.
Finally, he nodded wordlessly against Del's head and shifted carefully out from under Eliphas. This was a talk he'd put off for any number of reasons, but the primary one was the knowledge that Del, Mnestaes, would leave them again soon. Too soon.
When they had walked as far as a secluded corner of the common space, Cayden turned and watched Del with wounded eyes. "You have something to say." It wasn't a question. "Say it. And I will speak from the heart as well."
Del almost believed that Cayden wouldn't come. The stubbornness in him was almost as predictable as his own. But there was the other side of Cayden that he knew, viscerally and so sure, that drew them together no matter what. That any ask would be reciprocated; Del would have followed him anywhere, done anything, to steal away these few precious, given moments. Even if every step now was brittle, every second of silence stretching indefinitely between them in the worst way.
So they finally stopped, when Cayden finally spoke, Del realized that he was still dealing with a version of his other half who had lost just as much as he had once, twice. Losing Cayden and Eli had never been easy, never got easier in the other lives, but the reflection of that pain in Cayden now was unexpected and not unwarranted.
"I have many things to say," Del said, folding his arms across his chest so he wouldn't do something ridiculous like touch Cayden. At least not yet. He had to work up to it between them. "I also know that I have, maybe one more night here, and we're spending it like—like strangers." That was hyperbolic, an overexaggeration of the intangible walls Del shared with Cayden, but he had always been dramatic. "And I don't like it. I want you to stop—"
And he reached out a hand, pausing right before he touched Cayden's forearm. So much for not doing something ridiculous. "I want you to stop holding back with me."
Cayden watched Del with an intensity that bordered on manic. It was because he was appreciating every line of his face. Every ridiculous eyelash. The emotions in his expressive eyes. Cayden inched closer because he was a magical creature himself and his instincts would always pull him closer to the dragon who held half of his heart. It didn't matter that this one wasn't really his. The Cayden that did belong to him was apparently tangled up in all of his emotions and not just haunted his mind.
"And then what? I let you in and then you leave tomorrow, as if you have not crushed us all over again? Do you think I keep you at arms length because I do not want you close, Mnestaes?" His gaze tripped over Del's face and lingered on his mouth. "I am trying to survive this. Because when it is over, I will have to put Eliphas and I back together again. I will have to keep living without you."
"I'm not here to hurt you," Del said back, his voice low and dangerous. The thought that his very presence would be painful had not occurred to him. He wanted, and wanted, and wanted, anything he could have. Because to Del, to have them had been enough. He had never considered the opposite. To hide from the pain. To hide from him. With just that singular fight, the argument started to drain out of him, and his own confusion and hurt started to build behind his ribs, squeezing the tender part inside his chest.
"Is a moment not enough? You would rather not have anything? Because you are afraid of losing it again?" Del asked, but he was trying to understand. It was so starkly different from his own desires. Del had told Eli weeks ago that he had chosen this body for a reason, and he had assumed Cayden knew. But maybe he didn't. Maybe this Cayden didn't either. The timing was, as always, fucking terrible.
Del crowded Cayden against the wall of the cave, because now he didn't care about space or touching. Now he wanted Cayden to tell him plainly, and if he wouldn't, Del would know by sheer proximity. "It is not my fault. If I could stay, if I could be here so that you wouldn't be without me I would, so that I could keep you together, build you back up. But I'm telling you now, that you are allowed to want. You are allowed to have happiness where you can."
His expression fell, as if he was realizing a piece of the puzzle over the last few days he was missing. "Why deny it because you are scared?"
Cayden sucked in a breath, feeling gutted by Del's nearness and every word out of his mouth. Is a moment not enough? No. A moment would never be enough. How could it be when Del had carved his name on Cayden's soul so many lifetimes ago. Tears gathered in his eyes, sharp and stinging.
"Must you call out my cowardice so brazenly?" Cayden whispered brokenly. A tear slipped free and traced the heated curve of his cheek. Unable to resist any longer, he clasped Del's face between his hands. "Must you think that your absence in our lives can ever be anything other than apocalyptic? We will live on and we will love each other as deeply as we loved you, but there will always be a hole in our hearts. A chasm with your beautiful…infuriating face in it. And one day, it will just be me alone, carrying your memories for as long as I can stand this wretched life."
With that, he smashed his mouth to Del's. Hopefully the gods would take pity on him.
As Cayden reached for his face, Del was mirroring the movement, trying to swipe away the tear that rolled down Cayden's cheek. He couldn't stand it. There was too much pain, too much hurt that Del couldn't simply take away. For all his desire to protect Cayden and Eli from everything, he couldn't protect them from himself and what his loss brought. He frowned, deep with understanding. For once Del was rendered speechless as Cayden spoke his suffering into existence.
"You are not a coward, but Cayden, you—" Oh Del didn't get to finish that sentence. Cayden's warm, eager, and desperate mouth was against his and he wouldn't waste a second. It was all he had wanted since he had come here, and some part of him knew Cayden did too. His hands were clutching at Cayden's back, running them up and down his spine, trying to touch every spot he could from the dip of his waist to the broad expanse of his shoulders. Days had been a lifetime between them.
He swiped his tongue between his teeth, pulled him against his body that burning, uninterested coming up for air. He knew they had to talk, and so Del did, pressing into Cayden's mind with trepidation, concerned Cayden would push him out and away.
Let me in, please. He gasped, as he dragged his teeth against Cayden's lower lip, and went back in for more. So that all the memories you carry are not terrible ones, so that you can remember us, this, every good moment, and know you can have it. He pulled Cayden's hands to his chest, to his ribs, trying to get him to touch more and commit it to memory, whatever he needed.
You can have it now and again. And so the pain won't hurt so much. I'm not asking you to forget me, I would never. But you don't need the loss, not to remember me or Eli. Do not be me, my love, you will drown in it and I am not here to pull you out. The kiss had turned wet, soft, as Del let a few tears of his own escape.
Desperate felt like too gentle a word for the rush of emotion in Cayden's chest. He clung to Del as if he might disappear right out of his grip, the kiss more feral than anything else. But as Del's thoughtspeak slipped through the chinks in his armor, Cayden melted in his arms. His resistance had only been so strong because the world of Faerie had forced him to armor his heart or die a naive and foolish death. It crumbled to ash in the heated onslaught of Del's body and mind.
All the memories I carry could never be terrible, for they are of you and Eliphas. As brief as our time was together in this life, it was good, Mnestaes. So very good. I could never forget you, you ridiculous dragon. I miss you desperately. I will live and die missing you. It might have seemed a depressing thought at face value, but he gave it with a sensual twist of his hands in Del's hair and the gentling of his mouth. He pressed the words he couldn't say into Del's lips. Make me forget for a night that you have ever been gone. Please.
Del couldn't stop himself. A growl, in his mind and outloud, escaped at the way Cayden said his name. At his fraught little please. It did things to Del that he could barely put into words himself. He would bring ruination to every city, every realm, every person, if only to hear him say it again. It was insanity, but his love for Cayden and Eli had never been logical. They had brought instances of brightness in the depths of his endless mind, and he would chase that feeling forever.
It is just me and you, let me touch you, let me show you how much you are mine, my hope, my salvation from this miserable world. You have denied me too long. He didn't want to scold Cayden as his kisses turned devastating, like he couldn't get enough. But he had wanted to do this from the second he saw Cayden here. They had spent these last few days hurting one another in order not to hurt themselves. Del had only ever wanted to soothe his broken heart.
His hands scrambled for Cayden's hips, hauling him up to his waist with incredible ease, pressing him even further into the wall for leverage. His hands were tight as he held Cayden up by his thighs, his grip bruising, knowingly leaving behind marks where he had been, so that Cayden could have them later. After he was gone. He might have been trying to help Cayden forget the pain of missing him, but Del would make sure he remembered this.
Maybe they shouldn't be doing this here, but propriety was not something Del often thought about. And less so nowadays. His Eli had helped him shed any shame, a pleasure all on its own. "I'm here," Del said into Cayden's ear, needing the substantialness to ground them here; another reminder, another way not to forget. He kissed this hinge of Cayden's jaw. "I'm here now, I will take care of you."
Cayden wanted to scream. He wanted to sob. He was afraid if he did either, he would never stop. His pain would be endless and it would pull him under forever. But there wasn't enough time for wallowing in his grief. That time would come later. When he could curl himself around Eli and hope they were strong enough to hold each other together a second time. Right now, he would press Del close to his heart for as many hours as they had left.
"You will take care of us both," he growled back, sounding exactly like the fae prince who had turned on his people out of love for this dragon. He tightened his thighs around Del's waist and clawed at his shoulders. "Take me to Eli, Mnestaes. Your time here is as much his as it is mine, and I have stood in his way long enough."
When pressed, Del would deny that the authoritative voice that Cayden had often used in his presence did things to him. But there were signs that he was not so unaffected: his sharp inhale; the way his pupils dilated, blown wide in unabashed desire; his grip straining a little more against Cayden's body; the unexpected whine from the back of his throat that dulled into a breathy yes as he stole another greedy kiss from Cayden's mouth.
Del had always, would always, bend to Cayden's words. And he liked it.
"You do not have to tell me twice, princeling," Del preened, nipping at Cayden's lips, his jaw, sinking his teeth to Cayden's throat, leaving another mark. He made no move to put Cayden down to bring him back to their shared bed. Del would take him there, just like he was asked.