WHAT: Temeraire helps Laurence come to terms with his guilt over Flipped!Vallo WHERE: The Dragon Covert WHEN: A couple days after the Flipped Vallo plot WARNINGS: Nah STATUS: Complete
Laurence was growing used to Vallo’s whims, and how it could completely change a person from one week to another. He didn’t especially care for that aspect of it – the idea that he had so little control of himself or his personality discomfited him. But Laurence had always believed that no matter what the changes brought, he would, at his core, be a man who believed in doing what was right.
It was distressing to realize just how wrong he was.
The man in the other Vallo was not concerned with doing what was right. He had been a cruel man, enamoured of power, and very keen to lay claim to what was his and making sure that everyone knew it; Laurence blushed when he thought of his very public admiration of Lan Xichen, and though there was some small comfort in the idea that there was at least one other universe where Laurence and Lan Xichen had found one another, it was overshadowed by their absolutely abysmal behaviour. The two of them had encouraged and nurtured all of the worst of the other’s behaviours.
He hadn’t been paying attention to the book he was reading aloud to Temeraire, lost in his own thoughts as he were, and instead of asking yet again, “I”m sorry my dear, where were we again?” when he lost his place, he closed the book.
“I’m sorry, Temeraire,” he said instead. “I’m afraid my heart’s just not in it today. Do you mind if we pick up again tomorrow?”
Temeraire had been listening contentedly with his eyes half-shut - not sleeping, of course, he would not be so rude - but simply enjoying the sound of Laurence’s voice after it had been gone - again - for so long. He had of course known that Laurence would come back and had not been in the least worried, but there was something extremely satisfying in hearing him, and in having him seated in his proper place on Temeraire’s foreleg, and to know that Temeraire could protect him, if anything were to happen. Not that they seemed likely to be attacked in his warm, comfortable pavilion just at the moment, but that was Vallo for you.
“I do not mind,” he said, a little hesitantly, considering whether he ought to broach an awkward subject. He could not remember Laurence being so occupied since that time during the war when Wellesley - Wellington - had ordered them to attack Napoleon’s irregulars. But he had not been able to help, that time, so maybe raising it now would only make things worse. “Are you unhappy, Laurence?” he asked at last, daring to bring his head very close to inspect him. “Is there anything I can do?”
“No, my dear, I'm not unhappy,” Laurence said, giving Temeraire’s forearm a reassuring pat. “Though I suppose I can see why you would think so. I have been in a brown study today.”
He leaned his head against Temeraire's leg and looked up at him, studying his dragon for a long moment. “Temeraire –” He hesitated; he wasn't sure he wanted to tell Temeraire the sort of man he'd been in that other Vallo. “Did you hear very much about me while I was in that other Vallo?”
“Not very much,” Temeraire said, truthfully, “I did not like to press anyone for details, when they were so busy trying to rescue you and Huan.” He thought it was quite mature of him not to have insisted on going himself to tear everything down until he got Laurence back, but no one had suggested giving him a medal just yet, so he - even more maturely - did not point this out. “It did not sound like a very nice place,” he added, hoping Laurence would give him some understanding into his strange mood.
Laurence gave Temeraire an affectionate smile; he couldn’t imagine that it had been easy for Temeraire to not demand all the details he could at every opportunity.
“It was not a very nice place. And Lan Huan and I… we were not very nice people.” He grimaced at the half-truth. “Or rather, I should say that Lan Huan and I were very cruel people. I sought to win power, and I delighted in hurting others. It was… distressing, I think, to see that side of myself; a side that I hadn’t known I possessed. It has set me to thinking about whether or not I, as myself, am capable of such evil too.”
Temeraire bristled immediately at this suggestion. He was about to deny the possibility outright, and the dragon who had come to Vallo two years or so ago may well have, but he had spent much of the intervening time studying both philosophy and quantum physics. Logic forced him to consider. “Well,” he said, reluctantly, “the theory of the multiverse says that anything that can happen, must, according to the infinite nature of the universe, happen somewhere. That is to say, there is a world somewhere where I am purple with yellow spots, and one where I am very small, and one where I am female, and actually Professor Guth says that there must be infinite numbers of each of those also.” He tapped the claws of his free foreleg against the floor.
“And we know there is a place where I am a pirate,” he went on - brightening somewhat, as despite Laurence’s misgivings he couldn’t help being rather proud of that alternative version of himself who had made great strides without any human help whatever - “but, Laurence I would not steal anything only for myself, because I had you to teach me what is right and what is not. And though there may be be infinite universes where some version of you might do evil things, the same could be said for anyone we know, and you yourself could not ever be evil, I am quite sure. You have always been fair in all things, and you would never hurt anyone who did not deserve it,” he finished, not actually sure if he had made a persuasive argument.
Temeraire had, if nothing else, succeeded in taking Laurence’s mind off of it, if only because his mind was now filled with the impossibility of wrestling with infinity. It was a good thing that Temeraire didn’t require his help with his school work; Laurence did not have the head to deal with any sort of theory of quantum physics.
“Well, Lan Huan and I almost certainly never met you in that other world. You’d have never stood for it,” Laurence said. “I think a constant in all those infinite worlds must be that, when I meet you, you help me become a better man.”
Temeraire was tempted to point out that this was not strictly in line with the theory, but he did not think that would make Laurence feel any better. Besides, he could hardly argue that they both improved each other in this lifetime. “But you were not a bad man before I met you,” he said instead, nudging Laurence a little with his muzzle as though he might prod him into some better sense. “Anyway, who is to say that if I had not been there, I would have been just as bad, with different influences?”
“I’d been the type of man who would have followed orders even if I didn’t agree with them before I’d met you,” Laurence said. There were worse ways of being – what foggy memories he had of that other world could only prove it – but that hadn’t made him a good man. “You came out of your shell with an innate sense of justice; you had me questioning truths I’d been certain of for all my thirty-odd years. I don’t know if anything could have changed that.” He thought for a moment; had Napoleon received Temeraire’s egg as had been planned, would Temeraire have turned him from his course? Or would Napoleon have convinced the young dragonet that the only seize justice for dragons would be to dole it out at their pleasure as tyrants? That was a chilling thought, and one Laurence chose not to dwell on. “But I take your meaning. I suppose it’s impossible to know who we might become, were our circumstances to change.”
“Precisely,” Temeraire said, “but I know you, as you are, and as you were before, and I do not think you could ever be evil. That is different to some other you, in some other life.” He curled his tail up to enclose Laurence with his body, instinctively. “I am quite content with this one,” he said, although he couldn’t help sighing a little. “Even if it would be very exciting to be a pirate.”
Laurence couldn’t help but laugh. “I think that our lives have been plenty exciting enough, even without piracy thrown in,” he said, patting his dragon affectionately. “From what he told me, it sounded as though it was mostly just taking the odd ship, when he found them, and fishing. I think you and I had many more adventures, the two of us, so I’d not lament it too dearly.”
He relaxed against Temeraire’s leg, feeling lighter. When he thought of his actions in that other world, he still felt embarrassed, even a little ashamed, but he found he no longer carried the weight of that other man’s actions on his shoulders. “Thank you, my dear. You’ve grown quite wise, I hope you know.”
“I know,” Temeraire said, without a shred of irony. It was only fitting in his opinion that he should be so, like his ancestors before him, none of whom had experiences with alternative universes as far as he he knew. “Now, if you feel better, we could at least finish the chapter?”
Laurence snorted affectionately, and he picked up the book again. “I think we could do that, dear. Now, where were we again…?”