InsaneJournal

Kit felt frantic. It was not a good feeling, he didn't exactly excel under pressure, but he knew if he didn't shove down his nerves that he would be a liability going into the portal. And there was no way he was going to let Ty go alone. Not after everything they had been searching for, and not after all the close calls that had been Ty and other portals. He didn't think they were going on a one-way trip, never to return, but the possibility was still there. He couldn't lose Ty again.

There was the other problem, too. The family problem. Which wasn't much of a problem at all, but it had caused him to pause a few times in his frenetic packing wondering if this was a good time to leave. If Tessa and Jem were actually going to allow him to. If Mina would start crying if she realized what was happening and that she might not see Kit again. No, Kit told himself, he was coming back. He wasn't going to let the what ifs of the situation make him hesitate.

Except right now, as he put in another clean pair of socks into his backpack, he heard rustling on the other side of his bedroom door. The inevitability of this conversation coming to find him instead of Kit searching it out. Into his bag went a charger, flashlights, his stele, and—well, he needed a weapon. Many weapons. And an extra notebook in case Ty ran out.

But the door, the problem. Kit shouldered his backpack, which was way too heavy than it had any right to be, and with all the confidence he could muster, he threw open the door to his room to see Tessa and Jem on the other side. Ambushed, he was being ambushed. But Kit held his ground.

"I'm going. I know you don't want me to, but I am."

This kind of conversation wasn’t new to Tessa. How many times had she approached James and gotten the exact same response?

Herondales. Ugh. She loved them all stupid amounts. Which is what made her more frustrated in this instance, with Kit having already packed his backpack and spoken with such authority, Tessa’s face hardened as she frowned at him. They hadn’t been trying to ambush, just to check on him, as Kit had not come to them first and she’d already heard what Ty had planned to do.

It wasn’t unfamiliar to have Kit following Ty, she knew that. She also knew he was old enough that Shadowhunters considered him an adult. How many times had she seen her own children run off on missions, her nieces and nephews? How often had large-scale attacks happened and people had not made it out alive?

Too many. But Kit was loyal, heroic, and clearly had made up his mind.

So she had to steel herself up for this and take a deep breath. “That’s it? Just an “I’m going”, with no discussion to be had about it?”

When he had joined Tessa to talk to Kit, Jem had been able to assume just what this conversation might look like. Once they knew that Ty was planning on embarking on this particular adventure, he had known that Kit would be joining him. It was familiar, in many ways. Hadn't Jem always followed Will in their youth, no matter what they might be stumbling into?

Still, he couldn't blame Tessa for her protectiveness; Jem felt it, too. Kit was as much a part of their family as Mina was and even if he knew what he got up to as a Shadowhunter at Kit's age, it didn't mean Jem had to relish the thought of him doing the same. Kit might have been a Herondale and Jem may have spent time training with him, but that didn't scrub the worry from his mind.

Was this what all Shadowhunter parents felt, he had to wonder? Or was it so ingrained in their culture that these feelings were out of place for most?

Reaching out, Jem placed what he hoped was a comforting hand on Tessa's back. It was meant to be a reassurance that they were a team and he understood, even as he said, "Maybe you can walk us through what you're thinking, Kit?"

Kit wasn't used to this, the care and concern for his well-being by other people. Even after living with Tessa and Jem and Mina for years, it always surprised him. And whether that was some deep-seeded trauma of being abandoned his whole life or the loss of his only parental figure that made him fearful of specific attachments, remained to be seen. But when Kit couldn't immediately do what he wanted, because someone—or in this case, several someones—wanted to know if he would be safe, Kit floundered.

All his confidence was starting to slip at Tessa's questioning and Jem's considerate words. He wanted to step back into his room and start again. "I'm not going to let Ty go by himself. And there is no talking him out of it, you know I can't," Kit pleaded with Tessa. He thought it was obvious that he was always going to be in step with Ty. Kit had watched Jem and Tessa move in sync constantly, and he wanted that. He had that with Ty.

"And it's not like I haven't done more dangerous stuff before." That was a weak excuse, considering the things that were dangerous had been accidents and also not something Kit should have been near in the first place. "I'll be safe. You know I can take care of myself."

Tessa sighed. She had already known going into this that this was how it was going to be, and there was no surprise left in her to that. Only worry. She knew she had to be careful with her words to not drive him away angry, because the last thing she wanted was Kit being hurt by them when he went into all of this.

“I know.” She knew all of that. His stubbornness. How Tessa would have done the exact same for Jem or Will. Had done the same for them in the past. Just as they’d done for each other, countless times, and then as much as she’d seen James do all of that for his band of Merry Thieves, or Lucie for Cordelia.

She’d seen it all again and again. Tessa was just tired. She’d wanted peace for all of them, to not have to send their children off to battle. “I know that I’m not your mother,” she started, carefully, as if she was tip-toeing through this conversation, with just a quick glance toward Jem for reassurance. “But you’re my son, and I want you to be careful.”

Tessa pulled a small pendant from her cardigan pocket, an angel with clockwork wings. “You don’t have to wear it, but-” Tessa held it out to Kit, and the chain dripped through her fingers almost like molten gold. “The power it used to contain is gone now, free. But it saved my life countless times, and I hid it away for over a century until they put it on display at the institute. But now it’s here, and I put a protection spell on it. I’d like it if you carried it with you, if you insist on going to do this.”

There was a flutter of something that might have been pride in Jem's chest as he watched Tessa speak. He knew what Tessa was feeling and knew that this wasn't the first time she had watched her children step out into danger. It wasn't something that he'd experienced yet until this moment, even if--as Tessa had said--he was not technically Kit's father. That didn't negate the attachment, though, or the fact that he cared for Kit as he did Mina. And even if this was the norm for Shadowhunters, it didn't mean that Jem had to like it.

But he would never willingly take Kit's agency away, so it wasn't all too hard to fall into line and stand next to Tessa in this. He watched as Tessa gave Kit the chain and its angel, his own hand moving to a pocket. As soon as she was done, Jem took out his stele. It was comfortable in his palm, easy for him to wield after years and years of doing so. Now, he also held it out to Kit.

"I'm sure you already have your own to take, but--" Jem gave the smallest of smiles, an attempt at encouragement. "It would mean a lot to me if you took this with you, too."

Kit visibly blue screened. The blank look he gave Tessa and Jem was one that was not one he was used to giving. Normally he would just barrel his way through, do what he wanted, not feel like he was making a huge mistake. And to be fair, he knew he wasn't—anything that involved him and Ty was never a mistake—but there was a shift of doubt that now started to creep up his spine.

Tessa and Jem were like parents to him. They were his family. He had spent so much time trying to avoid it that he was missing what was right in front of him. He simply held out his hand to take the necklace, then the other to take the stele, instinctual, unaware that it was instinctual. Kit stood there, silent and visibly shaking by the understanding that was becoming more tangible the longer he held these items. These objects of care and concern of people who worried about him. What the hell?

"I'll take them," Kit said lamely, obvious that he wasn't turning them down as he continued to just hold them. But it was his own voice that caused him to move, looping the pendant around his neck and tucking the stele into his pocket—a much easier reach than the one shoved into his backpack. "Thanks."

He should have said something, but his mouth felt dry, and his eyes were downcast, anxious and nervous. This wasn't about being in trouble but— Kit launched himself at Tessa first, then to Jem, giving them both quick, intense hugs. He didn't want to linger, but he wanted to know this—trusting him—meant more to him than anything.

Oh, no. For Tessa, that wouldn’t do. Not some fleeting thing that was gone as quick as it came. As soon as Kit was done hugging Jem with fierce speed, Tessa was pulling him back in for another, long hug. This time she didn’t let go, and instead pulled down his head so she could kiss the top of it gently.

“We love you. We want you to be safe.” She also savored this moment, to get to hug him and hold him and give that outpouring of love that Tessa knew had been missing from Kit’s life before they entered it. They’d been unsure at first, and not so willing to scare or spook him by too much, too fast, but she’d known that both her and Jem had loved Kit from the beginning.

“I know things have been tough in the past, but I’ve never second-guessed making you a part of our family, Kit. So you must come back to us. And keep Ty safe, I know you will.” Because Kit had always been willing support and protect those he loved, she’d seen it first hand with Mina. Ty was in good hands.

As soon as Tessa had pulled Kit back in, Jem had reached out to place his own hand on Kit shoulder to complete the connection. It wasn't a tight hug, but he thought that was best given by Tessa anyway--call him biased, but he knew that she gave particularly good hugs, having been on the receiving end of many. Still, his hand was steady and supportive, making himself known and agreeing with everything Tessa was saying.

"We do love you," Jem confirmed, before going on to add with a gentle pat, "and we expect to hear many stories once you come back. Adventures are fun, but you have to be careful enough to return to us."

Kit knew he couldn't get away with just a quick hug. And maybe, some devilish part of him wanted to test how much they cared. It was a stupid ridiculous notion, but so easy to rationalize when love had often come at a cost. But in Tessa's arms, with Jem coming in to bridge the gap, Kit wanted to cry and he hated that he did. This was the kind of love he needed and never knew he wanted until he was faced with the moment of leaving it behind.

When he could finally pull away, Kit wiped fiercely at his face. Did he have tears? He didn't want to know if his face was wet or if it was going to give away how he was feeling. He just sniffed and steeled himself against both of their stares.

"I will. It's not an adventure if I can't tell anyone about it," Kit said, going for the joke because he couldn't seem to voice the other part. The other words that were choking him up—he had said them to Ty once, and hadn't again. Not really. How could he say them to Tessa and Jem? The people who had taken him in without question, like it was inevitable. Like he was supposed to have them as his family, rather than all the half-starts he was given.

He touched the pendant, then the stele, and again, he said, "thank you." But this time it sounded more like I love you too.

Tessa had her own tears to push away as she finally let go of Kit. There were a few dampening her cheeks when she turned to Jem and brushed them from her face in a last-ditch effort to hide it. It was probably obvious, but at least if she didn’t mention Kit shedding a few tears, chances were no one was going to publicly call her out.

“You’re welcome. Don’t have too much fun. Jem and Will always used to have too much fun.” And it would frequently end up with someone (usually Will) finding trouble. That was a tale as old as time for Tessa to experience. She cleared her throat, since her voice had cracked a little with the tears. She reached over to smooth a hand along Kit’s shirt. “Do you have enough clothing packed? An extra hoodie? Always pack more underwear than you think you’ll need. And make sure you say goodbye to Mina before you go, she’ll be upset if you don’t give her a hug. And-”

She was running out of advice to give him, and looked to Jem for help. “What am I missing?”

"Check in with us as soon as you're able," Jem said, continuing Tessa's string of advice as soon as she looked to him. "I don't know if it will even be possible, but if you can, just let us know you're okay." That, he thought, would do all of them a world of good, just to know that Kit and Ty were safe, wherever they ended up going.

Because that was the truth of it: they didn't know much about where this adventure would lead to. It was bad enough in their own world, going up against demons and other monsters; at least those were the sorts of adversaries that they had some knowledge and experience with. Outside of the glimpses of other worlds that Ty and the others had been reporting on, it was hard to say what they were walking into.

The thought caused a twinge in Jem's heart, but he knew that he had to be the steady one here. They would just have to put their trust in Kit.

"And don't forget a toothbrush and some toothpaste, if you have room in there. Snacks are also good, too." Jem managed a small smile, trying to ease some of the worry in the air with a bit of levity. "What if there aren't any sweets where you're going?"

Kit knew what too much fun meant, and his attention drifted to Jem—steady and solid and humble Jem—getting into trouble. It all seemed impossible from the person that Kit knew now, but if anyone could spill all his secrets it was Tessa. Who Kit had noticed was crying, or trying to hide it. He hated making her upset, but he also knew that what they were both giving him was bigger than anything he had ever been given before: trust.

He nodded, and nodded again. "I have stuff," Kit said, though he probably needed more underwear. And snacks. And he definitely didn't think about packing his toothbrush, he should probably do that when they weren't watching him. Kit was trying to prove he was capable, and he couldn't even seem to know what to bring on a possible, possible, one way trip. "But I'll double check my bag when I go and say goodbye to Mina."

Wringing his hands, Kit seemed anxious suddenly, as if the heaviness of the situation was really sinking in. He needed to find Ty so that he could leech off his confidence that going was the only option. "Will you also read to her that one picture book about the bear and the missing hat for me? She likes that one. It's a little grim, but I don't know if she understands that yet. She just laughs a lot at their faces." Kit bit at her lower lip. "And I'll call every day. If I can call, it will be every day, so you don't worry."

Obviously, for them. And not because he was going to terribly miss them or anything like that. Nope, not at all.

Tessa suddenly had the desire to grab his bag from him and pack it, but she also didn’t want to be an overbearing mother. She’d never been very good at that but the urge was there. So she swallowed that down and just nodded - there was a lot of nodding going on. “Communications are always tricky when it comes to portals and alternate universes, but if you have something you want to tell us and can’t reach through, write it down to tell us later, or try a fire message?”

But she was dreading the idea that they might not be able to communicate. Days, perhaps weeks, could pass and they might not hear from each other. Tessa wasn’t sure how to stomach that after having kept Kit so close to them for so long now. She reached out to smooth a wrinkle out of Kit’s shirt - it gave her something to focus on. “I don’t do the voices as well as you do and she’ll tell me as much but I’ll give a shot. Pack extra weapons. And I’ll find you some protein bars so you have a backup on food, save them for emergencies.”

Tessa needed to stop now, before she just kept finding things and failed at the overbearing plan. She was probably already failing.

As complicated as his feelings were about the situation as a whole, Jem couldn't help a small smile as his gaze fell on Tessa. Though he personally found her about as far away from overbearing as could be, he could see the spiral of preparation that she was falling down. There was nothing wrong with that, as far as he was concerned, but he also didn't want to see her overwhelm herself, too.

Jem's arm came to loop around Tessa once more, another reminder that they were in this together as a team, before he said, "We can help, if you want. We'll get those protein bars and maybe swing by the armory for you for an extra couple of weapons, as you finish up in here."

He gestured around the room with his free hand, indicating the here he was referring to, before letting it fall on Kit's shoulder once more, where he squeezed gently. This wasn't quite goodbye, but that was going to come soon enough as Kit and Ty went to the portal, but he still couldn't help adding. "You'll do great, Kit. We're already proud of you."

Kit could sense them both getting panicky. It was making him feel anxious. But he didn't stop them doing their fussing and telling him that they were proud of him. To maybe any other teenager, it would be so embarrasing. But the warmth Kit felt from their closeness and their care only made him crave it more. Was it uncool to ask for their approval on everything if they didn't raise him for most of his life? Probably, but Kit was secretly pretty uncool, as much as he didn't want to admit it.

"Can we just, I don't know, get out of the hallway if you're going to help me pack my bag before I go?" Kit asked, gesturing at the door which he never made it past. Maybe that was their plan all along, trap him in his room since there was no way he was going to shove them out of the way. Tessa and Jem were too kind, too nice, too much for an undeserving kid like him. Parents he lucked into, somehow.

He smiled at them both, reassuring, confident, and glad to have them there to help. "I can't really save anyone from inside my bedroom."