WHAT. Keith's emotions catch up to him about everything that's been happening lately WHERE. a closet in their cabin WHEN. March 2nd 2023 WARNINGS. discussion of loss and grief STATUS. complete
Keith’s next panic attack didn’t happen that first night after Tex’s arrival. Dinner at Lance’s and Atreus’ place had gone well. Other than some concerned looks from Shiro and a hug from Catra he hadn’t been able to fend off because she was pregnant and he knew better than to argue with her at that point, he had been able to get through the evening without arousing any suspicions that he was starting to freak out over everything. It probably had to do with the talk he had with Catra before that dinner. Because with it, Keith had been able to let some of the pressure he was feeling off, when he word-vomited at her. It was enough to keep him sane for the next couple of days, while he buttoned down his feelings and they got some important messy legal and mental work done in regards to their situation with Kipp.
Only a little surprisingly, his father had been a strong system of support for not just him, but Shiro and Kipp as well. He was a great help while they checked things off the list Shiro had come up with. The timing of everything could have been better, but for the situation they were in, Keith was glad Tex was there to provide insight on what to do now that they had a half-human child.
Eventually, though, those feelings, doubts, and fears came creeping back up. A week into his father being there, the mask he had been pasting on for his family’s sake was starting to visibly crack.
Keith was mad at himself for what triggered his next trip to The Closet. They were getting ready for lunch - Kipp was playing with Kosmo over in the living room, while Shiro chatted with Tex as he set the table. Keith occasionally popped in with a comment here and there, while Tex was nursing a beer that was going to go great with the Mexican food that Keith was in the middle of prepping.
At the right moment - or really, the wrong one - Keith looked away from the stove and the fry oil in his pan caught on fire. His reflexes were fast, but Tex, who had been leaning against the counter next to the stove, was faster. Faster than Keith could process what was happening, Tex was able to grab a pan lid to muffle the flame and turned off the ignition source quickly.
And Keith had just stood there, as his father got the pan to the sink and double checked to make sure everyone was fine and nothing else was on fire. “Close one, huh?” Tex had joked, once he was sure nothing else was wrong the flames were properly put out.
Maybe it was the fire, maybe it was his inability to put a simple oil fire out, or maybe it was hearing his father so casually joke about a fire after dying in one. Whatever it was, those words shattered something in Keith and he sucked in a harsh breath and managed to get out a barely understandable “Be right back,” before he booked it for the closet in the master bedroom. Shiro could handle things for a minute, he was sure, but if he didn’t leave in that second, there was a good chance that those hysterical tears he had told Catra about would happen right there in the kitchen.
Shiro was very good at compartmentalizing. That was a historical fact. But everything happening all at once was chipping away at his defenses. Not necessarily in a bad way, but an overwhelming one. And if he was overwhelmed, then Keith had to be too. Keith’s father was in their kitchen. Their son was babbling at him. Kipp wouldn’t see them as his parents for some time probably, but that didn’t change the fact that to them, Kipp was talking to his dead grandfather in their kitchen. Shiro’s eyes had tracked over to Keith just in time to watch the whole fire situation go down and he felt his husband’s sudden mood shift as if it were suspended in neon inside of his mind. He probably had Black to thank for that. But he was fairly sure he would’ve seen the signs in Keith’s rigged shoulders and hasty escape anyway.
He asked Tex to keep an eye on Kipp for a moment and then quietly made his way to the master bedroom. If he hadn’t seen the closet door shut, he might have wondered where Keith even disappeared to, but the little flash of movement caught his eye just in time.
“Hey,” he murmured close to the door, “I’m coming in, okay? You can kick me out if you need a minute, but I need to see you first.” He slipped inside and blinked into the darkness. See might have been the wrong word. Shiro reached for Keith instead. “Can I hug you?”
Who needed lights when crying in the dark was a lot more dramatic? Keith hadn't even had time to nestle into a corner of unfolded laundry yet, when Shiro said something outside of the door. There was a ringing sound in Keith's ears that kept him from hearing exactly what, but he didn't have a chance to answer because there was Shiro and oh God he was having a panic attack in front of his husband and this was exactly what he was trying to avoid.
"I'm fine!" He shouted, before flinching at himself when he realized how loud he was. He squeezed his eyes shut and forced himself to take big gulping breaths to get himself and his emotions under control, before he spoke again. This time he was a little more composed and a lot more hushed. "Sorry…sorry. I'm fine." His vision finally adjusted, his eyes glowing in the dark, as he took his worried looking husband in. Pasting a brittle smile on that Shiro couldn't see in the dark, he repeated, "I'm fine." And even Keith didn't believe the straight up lie he was telling Shiro, so he changed tactics. "I just need a second, I'll get it together."
"Keith." Shiro didn't hug him; he wasn't sure that was the right call at the moment. But he did curl a hand around Keith's bicep. He kept his voice hushed but not so soft as to sound pitying. Keith's pride and stubbornness were known factors in any equation. They were a part of him, and Shiro loved every part of Keith. Even the parts that brought them to a dark closet.
"You are clearly not fine." He squeezed Keith's arm and then started stroking soothingly up and down. "And it's okay to be not fine. It's more than okay. Anyone who would be completely fine in the week we've had would be seriously terrifying." He shifted to take Keith's hand and put it over his own chest. Each breath he took was carefully measured. "Just breathe with me for a second. Time your breaths to mine."
The instinctive urge to argue and insist he was fine flared up, but he managed to stamp it down. Shiro was only trying to help him and Keith didn't want to feel like this anymore. So he shut up and gripped his husband's shirt to ground himself, before spreading his hand over Shiro's heart. His mind was racing a mile a minute, but as he felt the beat of Shiro's heart, he started to calm.
The rhythmic beat started to cut through the sheer amount of emotions he was feeling - fear, sadness, regret, guilt, and rage - and soothed them in a way that made every breath he was taking easier with each attempt. Soon, the harsh inhale and exhale gentled into smoother motions with each pass and before Keith knew it, he was breathing normally again.
Reaching up his free hand, he tried his best to wipe up his face of the now dried tears on his face. "Sorry," he murmured again, feeling somewhat safe enough to try and talk to Shiro directly again. Of course trying to apologize for his freak out probably wasn't the best move.
Shiro shook his head and shifted a hand to cradle Keith’s face. He was gentler than Keith in his attempts to help smooth away his tears. As dark as it was, he had to feel his way through the process, which meant he spent a quiet minute just stroking Keith’s cheek with his thumb.
“Don’t be sorry.” Realizing that sounded too much like an order, he pressed a kiss to Keith’s cheek and spoke closer to his ear. “Talk to me?” He pulled back, though not far. He wanted to lock eyes with his husband. The beautiful alienness of Keith’s eyes helped accomplish that even in the dark. “You don’t have to carry all of this in silence, Keith. I don’t want you to carry all of this in silence. I want you to feel safe to tell me anything. To find comfort in telling me anything.”
They were supposed to be co-pilots. Both with Black and their lives. That’s what Keith signed up for when they had gotten married, but his inability to let go of control and his guilt over feeling everything he was feeling had him floundering. How could he lean on Shiro when Shiro was going through this too? He lost friends too. He gained a freshly orphaned son just like him. And this stuff with Tex? Keith had resolved that ages ago. He should be over it.
“I can’t…this isn’t easy on you either,” Keith finally whispered, when he found words that he could say that didn’t make him feel like a giant piece of shit over this. “You’re going through this as much as I am. I don’t want to put whatever this is on you.” He shut his eyes tightly, the glow of them disappearing for a moment, before he opened them again and sought out Shiro’s face. “We got everything we wanted, so why does it feel so bad?”
"So if I'm having a hard time, you're not allowed to?" Shiro injected a healthy dose of you hear how ridiculous that sounds, right into the statement, but softened the words with a brush of his thumb along Keith's jaw. "Keith. This is…hard. All of it. I feel guilty every time I make Kipp smile, because for a moment all I can think is how wonderful he is and how glad I am to be a part of his life."
He hoped that sharing some of his own complicated emotions would help Keith open up about his own. But he also knew sometimes it was easier to talk when you weren't being intensely stared at from a few inches away.
Shiro wrapped his arms around Keith and pulled him into a hug, resting his cheek against the side of Keith's head. "Things will get easier. But until they do, we need to be able to lean on each other."
Keith huffed out a whiny grunt. He knew it sounded crazy, even to his own ears, but he couldn’t stop himself from feeling like he was a burden. “I don’t know how to stop myself from feeling like I’d be burdening you. I know I’m not. But…” he pulled away and slapped a hand over where his heart was. “This keeps making me feel like I am.”
But. He’d try. Because he owed that to Shiro, to trust him with his heart. “It’s…it’s not just Kipp. Because I feel that way too whenever I catch myself smiling about him. It’s about my dad too. I…” Keith hated how bad this sounded, but powered through it. “I'm so mad at him. I thought I had put this behind me, that I had forgiven him for leaving me alone, but he comes back and all I can think is "Why did you leave me in the first place?" Isn't that terrible of me?"
Shiro made a thoughtful noise, a little hurt even though he knew Keith was only trying to protect him. "I know the heart can be irrational sometimes. Maybe you could think about it like this - you wouldn't enjoy me feeling like I was a burden to you. So anytime you feel that way, just remind yourself of that?"
It wasn't as important an issue as what was really bothering Keith though, so Shiro covered Keith's hand where it was on his chest and squeezed for reassurance. Touching him felt comforting now instead of like he was pushing past boundaries. And it let him hold tight when Keith admitted where his heart was torn.
"Keith. You were a child who suffered the loss of the only parent you knew. It's not terrible to feel hurt that he took that risk and you lost him. I think it's just…misdirected. I know you. And I know how often you've risked your own life to save someone else's. You're self-sacrificing and heroic, just like he is." Shiro stroked his thumb across Keith's hand. "We have Kipp now. Is that going to change what you do when someone's life is on the line and you can possibly save them?"
That hurt look on Shiro’s face was exactly why he hadn't wanted to break down in front of him. They were supposed to be strong for Kipp and here he was being an ass to Shiro and splitting his worry in two different directions, on top of hurting his feelings. But Keith sucked it up because, frankly, he needed to hear all of this.
He nodded and squeezed Shiro’s hand back, seeking that reassurance that his husband was all too willing to give. Not for the first time, he counted his blessings on having Shiro in his life.
"I get it. I know and I understand why he did what he did when he ran into that building. Because you're right, I would and I have done the same exact thing." Looking past Shiro's shoulder at their closet door and in the direction he knew they left Kipp and his dad in, he worried his lip with his teeth as he explained, "I want to say I wouldn't. I can't though. But if I was gone, Kipp would still have someone. He would still have family out there." The unspoken I was alone for years would remain unsaid.
"I…I know. You didn't have anyone. I'm not saying he made the right choice to stay in a dangerous job." Shiro sounded winded like he'd just been punched in the gut, but he couldn't do anything about that. Keith had talked about his own death like it would be somehow less awful because Kipp wouldn't be alone. Like it wouldn't rip Shiro apart at every seam. But that was partly his own fault for taking the conversation this way, so he tried not to dwell on it.
"I don't know what the right choice would've been. If I lost you…even if it was just to you returning home…" He swallowed dryly. "I don't think my decisions would always be the best for Kipp either. I'd try but…" His voice grew quieter, calmer. "I think you should talk to him. Your dad. Tell him how you feel. He won't have some magical answer that will make the hurt go away, but I think he needs to hear it and I think you need to say it."
"This isn't me saying I'm giving up on myself," Keith was quick to say. It was only belatedly he realized how easily he had said what he had, when he heard Shiro struggle to keep his own emotions in check and not jump all over that. And just maybe, he could feel Black in their bond giving him a disapproving vibe. "I know you'd never give up on me, but I meant what I said when I said I wouldn't give up on me either. This is why everything feels so much right now. We fought hard to get where we are and now it feels all wrong sometimes. And I know it's not, it's just the circumstances and lack of time to get used to it all."
He buried his face in Shiro's chest, as he listened to his husband talk just as freely as he had about his own potential death. "I love him. But if you fall, I'm coming right after you to drag you back and I'm going to trust Lance and Atreus to handle it until we get back." Because maybe it was a little delusional to be certain about this, but in every instance he had lost Shiro, he had gotten him back too. He didn't mind breaking the universe to do it either.
But he was dragged back away from his big declarations when Shiro started to speak sense. "I know I need to tell him how I feel. We need to have this talk." Sighing. "I don't want to hurt him though. That isn't what this is about."
"I know." Shiro knew all of that, but it helped to hear it. "This wasn't how I pictured any of this either. But I'm grateful we're facing it together. And I'm so glad you're getting a chance to connect with your dad again. Even though it's hard." He reclaimed Keith's hand with his metal one this time, clicking the button on his forearm that lit up the inner mechanisms of the arm. It gave the space a soft glow and let him really see his husband.
"Obviously you don't want to hurt him. And I don't believe you will, not in any way that he isn't already hurt by life. But…you don't have to answer this right now, just think it over. What is it you need to hear from him? Because I have no doubt in my mind that he loves you and that he'll want to make this right." Time travel wasn't an option for Tex or anybody else. And it was probably for the best. There would be too many things Shiro would like to change. For Keith. For Kipp. "As best as he can anyway."
Keith could have used a few more moments in the dark to get himself better composed, but Shiro had seen him at his absolute worst and his best. If he hadn't run away by now, a little snot probably wasn't going to be the deal breaker.
He tried to search within himself for an answer to Shiro's question, but try as he might, he didn't know what he wanted from his dad. Because what he did want wasn't possible. And at this point in his life, he probably wouldn't change most of what happened because at the end of the day it boiled down to this: Shiro had found him and pulled him into his orbit and that wouldn't have been possible if Tex hadn't made the decisions he had. And a life without Shiro was not one Keith would actively pick.
"I'm not sure what I need to hear from him," Keith admitted because there was no perfect answer to this. "But I do need to hear something and that can't happen if I don't ask him about it. So…I guess I'm going to find out?" Hurriedly, he added, "Not today though? I don't think I can handle being more honest today."
"Probably a good plan." Shiro smiled gently and leaned in to kiss Keith's temple. "Too much emotional vulnerability and you might actually burst into flame." Hoping the joke would loosen a little of the exhausted tension in Keith's face, Shiro pulled back to give him another little smile. He loved this man and wished he could make everything easier for him with just a wave of his hand, but since that was impossible, he stuck to being genuine and supportive.
"Let me know when you need some space with him. I'll take Kipp to a park for a bit." He turned towards the door but he hadn't let go of Keith's hand yet. "Do you want a few minutes in here alone? I can go be a distraction for a while."
"I'm emotionally constipated, not a vampire, you butt," Keith snorted with a slight laugh. He startled when Shiro started to turn away, gripping his hand with an instinctive tug. However, he relaxed his posture when Shiro gave him some options to consider instead of an abrupt exit. "I don't think I should be left any longer with my overthinking and worrying. Can you just…go ahead first? I want to go wash my face before I come back."
No doubt to a worried dad face from Tex, but somehow he knew Shiro could smooth things over for now until he could figure out his next move. It wasn't something he needed to confirm. Shiro was the one person that could anticipate his needs and wants better than he could himself.
“In that case...if you take a long time, I’ll come back for you.” Shiro didn’t like the sound of Keith overthinking and worrying alone, even if he’d just offered to let him do exactly that. He lifted their joined hands to kiss Keith’s wrist and then pulled him in for one more hug. It was probably a little too tight.
“Please don’t forget how much you’re loved. You have never been a burden and you never will be.” He pulled back and stepped for the door, letting their clasped hands loosen until only his fingers still grazed Keith’s for a moment. “See you out there. I’ll have a cup of tea waiting."