WHAT: Carol and Emme take steps toward setting things right WHERE: Danvers Vance Residence WHEN: This afternoon and into the evening WARNINGS: Some angst, very mild sexual reference up top STATUS: Complete
Carol had been asking Emme that question throughout their relationship for various reasons. When she surprised her with ice cream after a long day. When she pulled her back and told her Kamala was just fine on patrol with Peter, stop fretting. When Carol had brought her to her peak, felt her body quivering beneath her, and knew without a doubt there was no more incredible being in existence.
It had always been only half-serious, playful in every situation, delivered with a smile, a kiss, and starry-eyes. Emme had been good to her from the moment they met, accepting of every flaw and fault, the way she hid from herself and struggled to talk about her past. They were the same that way, hiding from the darker parts of their pasts, still adjusting to having someone else to entrust with all of it and know they would still be safe.
She didn’t deserve Emmeline. She really never had. But God, she was so deeply in love with her through everything. Even while Carol grappled with her feelings for Natasha, Emme had been patient with her, steady and loyal as always. Carol had kept what she felt for Nat very firmly out of her relationship with Emmeline, but they both still felt it there. This buzz of tension in the background that never really dissipated. She knew that was why Emme had turned so much of her attention to the house, and she couldn’t blame her.
Thinking of how goddamn close she’d come to jeopardizing her relationship with this ridiculous situation – one she’d brought on herself to begin with, thinking blocking out an important part of her life was the only way she could handle her grief – actually made fear spike in the pit of her stomach. Emme would have been well within her rights to leave her in the dust, but she hadn’t. She was still here.
It was all over now, with Nat. It had been over the whole time, of course, but Carol had gotten herself entangled again. Natasha had done them a favor and cut that cord, leaving Carol in a state while she licked her wounds. But she recovered and set down the path Nat had created for her – letting go. Letting the past be the past again. Putting the love she’d felt for Natasha behind her and focusing on the very real, very present love she had waiting for her.
And she owed that love of hers so much. Thank yous, apologies, kisses, but more practically, and immediately, lunch. This morning, she’d managed to coax Emme into coming home for her lunch hour from work (a trip that, thankfully, was nothing more than a blink of an eye for her). By the time she apparated in, she’d had her fiancée’s favorite food delivered and laid out on the coffee table for them both.
“There’s my girl.” Carol smiled at her, leaning in for a kiss hello when she came to join her on the couch. “Mmm, I love it when you’re all hot and sweaty. How’s work been?”
The signature pop of apparition signaled Emmeline’s arrival into the entryway of their new home. She usually aimed for low-traffic areas when appearing directly in the house. The last thing they needed was a pile up if she accidentally landed on someone. She turned the corner to see Carol and food, two of her favorite things (in that order, of course).
“Ah yes, I’m the pinnacle of sexy.” Today was her day at the Underground, and she’d been training all morning. She was a bit of a mess, but who wasn’t, really? She returned Carol’s kiss with a smile before she dropped onto the couch. Her lower back ached slightly from some exercises she’d been doing earlier in the day and the soft cushions felt like heaven.
“Work’s been good. My client this morning is really coming along. How has your day been?” Though she was starving and her favorite food was sitting there tempting her, Emmeline kept her attention solely focused on Carol for the moment.
“Lazy,” was Carol’s reply. It wasn’t her usual routine – she liked to be up, out, and doing things most days, anything to burn through a fraction of the high energy she ran on. But it was her day off, a bout of Vallo crazy had just settled, and she was content to settle in and enjoy doing nothing on a cool, wintery day.
“Just been looking forward to you coming home.” She leaned in for another kiss, letting it linger a little longer this time, hand sliding across the back of Emme’s neck.
Some of the tightness in Emmeline’s shoulders began to relax as she melted into that second kiss. The more than just a hello kiss. She’d missed this, she thought with a small ache in her chest. The last few months, Emme had put some necessary space between them, both for Carol’s sake and her own. Not physically, but emotionally. Here in this moment, she felt that shift slightly. Finally. Emmeline deepened this kiss and pulled Carol closer.
Carol hummed and sank into that kiss as it deepened, her free arm wrapping around Emme’s back and squeezing tightly. She could already feel Emme pushing in close, and she wished there was a way they could get closer. She needed this, that emotional pull that was uniquely theirs, something she’d been missing out on lately with her mind and her heart so concerned with someone else. How could she have come so close to screwing up such a good thing?
“I love you,” she breathed, breaking the kiss just enough to meet Emmeline’s eyes. “I’m so sorry, baby. I’ve been such a fucking mess the past couple of months.” That hand around Emme’s neck drifted forward, brushing softly down her cheek instead. “It’s been so unfair to you.”
I love you. Emme could physically feel those words. She clung onto them, because for too long there was still a small part of her wondering if it wouldn’t be enough. As Carol apologized, Emme kept their gaze locked. While that was what she had been needing to hear, there were things she needed to say too.
“You’re right, it has been. If it was anyone, anyone other than you, I wouldn’t still be here.”
“I know,” Carol agreed, and she had the good sense to look ashamed of herself when she said it. She had put Emme in an awful position, acting the way she’d been. She would have been well within her rights to leave and never look back, but she hadn’t. She’d stuck around through it all, let Carol work her shit out even as it was hurting her, too.
“No matter how many times I say I’m sorry, it’s not going to fix it. I know that. But I’ve missed you, and I want to make it up to you. I want to make things right with us.” She reached for Emme’s left hand, the engagement ring she’d given her still wrapped around her ring finger, and pressed a kiss to her knuckles. “Think you can still put up with me?”
She was right. Saying sorry wouldn’t fix the hurt. Only her action going forward could, and even then, Emme knew she would still carry a piece of it with her forever. Even though it was infuriating and exhausting and painful, Emme would stay right where she was and do the work to fix things between them. Carol - their relationship - had saved her from a darkness that she had succumbed to years earlier. One of smiling on the outside while keeping everyone at arm’s length. Of accepting solitude and loneliness over even the chance of heartbreak. And here she was, heartbroken, but at least with a chance to do something to fix it.
She moved her right hand up and brushed her fingers through Carol’s hair. “You know I will.”
“You’re too good for me,” Carol murmured with a sad little smile, eyes never leaving Emme’s. She knew what she’d done. She knew she’d broken things with them, even if it was just a little. She was lucky Emme was still willing to fix them. She was lucky she’d chosen to stay with her every damn day she’d been mooning over someone else, even carried forward with their plans to find this house together. She was so unbelievably strong, and Carol was going to do what she could to make it up to her for having to be that way, when she’d promised she’d always be there to lean on and failed.
Emme’s hand drifted down to Carol’s cheek and she brushed her thumb across the skin there. It wasn’t a matter of being too good or deserving. They were both complicated and deeply flawed people who would continue to make mistakes throughout their life together. They had to both be willing to be gracious and forgiving when it was called for. “Is it done? Really and truly done now?”
“It’s done,” Carol assured her, not hesitating for a single second. She leaned into that touch against her face, lifting the hand still in her grasp to place it against the other side. “It’s done, baby. It’s just you and me now, I promise you.”
She would always love Natasha, but any unfinished business between them was as finished as it was going to get at this point. Nat had moved on. Carol had this beautiful, perfect woman of her own so patiently waiting for her. It was going to be tough for a while, still, but someday, she and Nat would get back to a relationship they could both handle.
For now, all of her focus was going back where it belonged: to Emmeline, to Kamala, to the little family they were making together. She had let herself fall into her past and the what-could-have-beens for long enough.
With those two words, Emmeline felt like she could breathe properly for the first time since that night that Carol had told her about Natasha. With both of her hands now cupping Carol’s face, Emme nodded slowly. “Okay,” she murmured softly. “Okay.”
She pulled Carol closer to kiss her again. It was gentle and slow. The last few months had been anything but for her, but she was willing to put that behind them as much as possible. When the kiss ended, she exhaled deeply and leaned their foreheads together. She didn’t say anything, just sat there letting herself process what it all truly meant for them.
That kiss was everything. Warmth blossomed in Carol’s stomach and carried through up to her chest, heart fluttering as both of her hands returned to Emme’s back, pressing impossibly closer to return it in kind. When it broke and Emme leaned against her quietly, she let the silence sit, stroking slow circles up and down her back. As much as she wanted to say something, anything, maybe apologize again, she knew allowing Emmeline some time to absorb it all was what she needed right now.
She wasn’t quite sure how long they sat there, food still sitting untouched next to them. She let her hands slide down to rest on either side of Carol’s neck, and she stayed there, just soaking in everything about the moment and working to let go of the hurt and insecurity.
When she finally looked up again, she ran her thumb lightly along Carol’s collarbone. “I think I’ll call out sick for the rest of the day. I’d rather stay here with you.”
Carol smiled softly, shifting one hand to grip Emme’s arm. “I wasn’t gonna ask, but…yeah, I’d like that.” She’d considered asking her to call off work altogether this morning, but she felt like she didn’t have the right. But if she was choosing to stay, she wasn’t going to pass up that opportunity. “I don’t want you out of my sight.”
Emme shifted herself on the couch so that she could tuck herself into Carol’s side. It had always been one of her favorite places to be. Somewhere she felt safe and wanted. She wrapped her arm around Carol’s stomach and gave her a soft hug. “Wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.”
Carol settled back into the couch cushions, tugging Emmeline gently along with her and wrapping both arms around her. The food was probably cold now, would definitely require reheating, but she was beyond caring. Even her hunger had ebbed. This was what she needed – what they both needed – more than food.
She kissed her fiancée’s forehead, lingering there for a moment and breathing her in. One hand raised to carefully pull Emme’s hair free of her work ponytail, fingers carding gently through the long, silky dark locks after she’d pulled the elastic down over her own wrist. She exhaled a sigh and whispered, “Thank you,” softly against her skin. “I love you so much.”
It was an easy, practiced movement - them laying down together on the couch. They’d spent many an evening there, and would hopefully have just as many more going forward. Emme lay her head against Carol’s chest and listened to her breathing. She suddenly felt exhausted and could barely keep her eyes open. As if she’d been running on nothing but anxiety for three months, and now that it was gone, she could sleep for a week. She turned softly and pressed a kiss against Carol’s shoulder. “I love you too.”
Eventually, they sat up to eat lunch and Emmeline went to clean up from her sweaty morning. The afternoon proceeded on, and when Kamala came home, Carol set to making dinner. The mood was infinitely lighter than it had been for a while. She knew Kamala was old enough and observant enough to have picked up on what was going on, and she’d been wise enough to keep her distance, but her relationships with both of them hadn’t shifted a bit. The tension had been between the two of them – and really, all on Carol.
When the whirlwind of evening activity began to die down and Kamala retreated upstairs to her room, the two of them made their way back into the living room. Carol had settled into the corner of the couch and brought Emme between her legs to lay against her, back to front. With one hand, her fingers combed gently through dark hair, rubbing her scalp with her fingertips, and the other splayed across her chest. With the sun long gone, the Christmas tree they’d brought home after dinner yesterday sat waiting for them, so far draped only in red and green lights and casting a warm glow over the two of them.
Everything wouldn’t immediately snap back to how it had been before. Carol knew better than to expect it to; she’d caused a lot of damage through neglect, and self-absorption, and sinking into old emotions like they were brand new. She knew she’d set herself up for this through her own choices. It wasn’t easy, and she didn’t like seeing how much she’d hurt Emmeline, but it was her fault. She had let herself be bested by emotions she couldn’t contain, and this was what had happened. She was going to have to work hard to make up for it.
But her focus was back on Emmeline, where it had always belonged, and mending things at a pace that worked for them both. That was the most important thing in the world to her. She was all-in, whatever that entailed, no more distractions.
Emmeline was…quiet. Not in the normal consumed-by-the-show way but in the unusual sort of way that Carol knew from experience meant she had something on her mind she wasn’t saying. She hesitated a bit to prod, some part of her worried that Emme would wave her off the same way she’d waved her off when she was completely fairly concerned, but she knew better than that. She knew Emme would never be that petty.
“What’s on your mind, baby? I can hear the wheels churning in there,” she murmured, dipping down to kiss the crown of her head. “Feel like telling me?”
Emmeline had a habit of deeply internalizing her issues, as made abundantly clear by this entire Natasha situation. She’d gone nearly two months and reached a serious breaking point before even attempting to talk to anyone about it. Carol was still Carol, though. They were partners and even if it stung that Carol hadn’t confided in her recently, Emme didn’t intend to do the same.
She kept her gaze on the Christmas tree as she replied. “I don’t think you’ll like it much.”
“Then you should definitely tell me,” Carol replied. She had suspected whatever it was would be something Emme didn’t think she’d want to hear; if it wasn’t, she’d have come out with it much more easily. But she was confident she was back in a place of more control. She could handle whatever was thrown at her and would deal with it openly and honestly.
Anxiety twisted at Emmeline’s stomach, but you’d never know it just by looking at her. Her face was as calm and collected as it ever was. The only tell-tale sign was the way she slid her hands inside the sleeves of her jumper. A knit-armor to help shield herself from whatever came next.
“I’ve been thinking about why you wouldn’t tell me about your letter.”
Carol’s first instinct was to ask ‘what letter?’ – partly out of confusion if that was actually what Emmeline meant and partly because it poked this deeply personal spot that made her want to go on the defense. But she knew what Emme meant. How she knew about it was a wild guess, but it didn’t surprise her much that she did. Her shoulders tensed a little bit, but she pushed it back and sighed, letting her cheek rest against Emme’s hair.
“I didn’t tell anyone,” she admitted quietly. “Not then, not now.” Well, Nat, before their big schism, but she had written it, so it wasn’t a revelation. “It was the last thing I had from her and it felt like…too much to share. Too personal.”
She softened a bit as Carol rested a cheek against her hair. Still, she called up Pepper’s words from the other day. You're asking to be treated like a respected life partner. Don't let your sympathy and understanding erase that fact. “I deserved to be told, Carol. I can understand it being personal, and I wouldn’t have asked what was in it. But you hid it from me.” Well, not physically, as Carol had left the damn thing open on her nightstand. “You tried to play it off like it was nothing when it is absolutely something. Do you understand how that makes me feel?”
There wasn’t anything harsh in Emme’s words, but the firmness undercut with hurt hit Carol hard. She was right. Of course she was right. If there was anyone she should have told, it was Emme. “I know.” She cleared her throat and let a breath out through her nose, curbing that creeping urge to get defensive that still lingered. But she spoke softly, every word sincere. “You’re absolutely right. You deserved to know, and you deserved better from me. I’m sorry I didn’t come through.”
From her position against Carol’s chest, Emme could feel the slight shifts of muscle tension as Carol worked to not get defensive. She reached her hand over to find Carol’s and took a hold of it. Just a small, grounding touch to remind her that this wasn’t an attack, just a conversation.
“Thank you.” Emme ran her thumb lightly across the back of Carol’s hand. “I accept your apology. Please don’t do that to me again. I’m trying like hell to be understanding and give you the time and space you need. But I won’t be shut out entirely. This affects me too.”
The touch helped Carol breathe easier and relax again. She knew none of this was being brought up to shame her or attack her, but her body revved up for it, anyway. Old habits die hard, and she’d had a resurgence of them with all her self-inflicted drama lately. Letting all of that cool and settle again was an ongoing task.
“I won’t do it again,” she promised solemnly, spreading her fingers to capture Emme’s between them and lace them carefully together. She didn’t particularly savor having this conversation, but while they were on the subject, she figured they might as well keep going. “I never meant to shut you out. It just– The whole thing was my burden and my fault for trying to push it all out of my head instead of dealing. I didn’t want to put any of it on you, and I went too far. I’m sorry for that, too.” Their laced fingers were squeezed with a little extra pressure. “I know I can’t take it back, but I never meant for it to seem like… I didn’t love you. I hope you know that’s never been the case, not for a second.”
Vulnerability was a difficult thing for the both of them. They were women who put up walls to protect themselves and being vulnerable was just asking to get hurt. But if Carol could make the effort, then so could Emme.
“I didn’t doubt that you loved me,” she replied quietly. “But sometimes I did wonder if that would be enough.”
“More than enough,” Carol insisted fiercely. For the first time during this conversation, she really wished they were face-to-face. She needed Emme to see how much she meant that. So, with a little coaxing, she got her to shift onto her side so she could look up at her and her hand could cup her face, thumb stroking over her cheek. “You’ve always been more than enough, Em,” she reiterated. “You always will be, okay? I don’t want you doubting that either.”
She did believe that Carol meant it when she said it. But Carol had also said it the first time they’d talked, and so Emme couldn’t help still feeling apprehensive. She was sure that when she met Carol’s gaze that the hesitation still showed there. “I don’t want to doubt it. I wish it could be that simple. If I’m being honest, it may take me some time to get back to that place.”
Carol had expected that. She was very aware of how much her behavior had affected their relationship and that she’d have a lot of work ahead of her to truly get it on track again. But her heart still ached a little to hear it. None of this had been intentional, but it was done now. All she could really do was be thankful that Emme was graceful enough, and loved her enough, to stick it out and let her fix it.
“I know,” she said again. She let both arms slide down Emmeline’s back and she pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I’m sorry.” It felt like that wasn’t near enough to convey how much she hated this situation and how much she wanted to make up for it, but they were the best words she had. “Are you…” She paused, hesitating over the words. There was a chance they could make this whole situation feel worse. That was the last thing she wanted, but they were being honest here. She felt she needed to ask. “You’re sure this is still what you want? It’s what I want, you and our whole life together. But if I’ve ruined it…I don’t want to hold you somewhere you don’t want to be anymore.”
It was at that point that Emmeline decided they should probably continue the conversation from a different position. She moved to sit up, trying to disturb Carol as little as possible while doing so. The moment of readjustment also allowed her a few extra seconds to sort through her feelings so that she could give Carol a well thought out reply, rather than the torrent of emotions she’d been carrying around for days on end.
As she settled back down, now seated and facing Carol directly, Emme reached over and took her hands. “I spoke with Pepper about us the other day. I’d found the letter and got into my own head and I didn’t know what to do. She asked me if I wanted to walk out. If I wanted to live without you. The level of absolute panic I felt at just the idea of it was too overwhelming…so yes, I’m sure this is still what I want. I love you, and I’m committed to us and our family. We haven’t reached a point where things are unfixable, but I need better going forward.”
Carol didn’t protest, shifting and folding herself appropriately to give Emme room to sit up and rearrange herself. There was definitely a small spike of nerves when she did – if she needed to sit up to answer, that had to be a bad sign, right? But she buried that spike down deep and settled some when Emme reached out for her hands again, giving them a quick squeeze and pressing in a little closer so they were knee to knee.
Relief washed over her when what she said was reassurance. She lifted their joined hands to kiss her knuckles and nodded along as she listened. She was glad to hear she’d spoken to Pepper, actually. Pepper had been an anchor for Carol while she was dealing with all this emotion, and she was a good one to have. Emme deserved to have her, too.
“You’ll have better,” she replied, earnest and genuine, brown eyes finding blue. “I know I went too far in the wrong direction with all of this. I should have leaned on you instead of trying to keep it separate and making it all worse than it ever should have been. But I won’t do it again. Whatever you need from me, you’ll have it, I promise.”
Emmeline smiled gently at the reassurances. While the conversation hadn’t been an easy one, she did feel somewhat lighter. It would still take her time, of course, but she felt like she and Carol had both finally taken some steps in the right direction. “I think we should both make a promise to talk with each other more, going forward. Some of this is on me, as well. If I’d been more open with you about how it was affecting me, we might not have gotten to this point.”
“That was on me, too, baby. I made it hard for both of us.”
Carol wouldn’t pin a single part of this on Emme. As far as she was concerned, it had all spun out from her bad decision-making. She had shut down and shut everything out; who wanted to try talking to a stone wall? She hated it, but she’d own it and admit to it. Emme had been put in an impossible position, all at Carol’s hand.
“But I promise,” she agreed. “I promise I’ll come talk to you when things get rough. I can’t promise I’ll be perfect, but I’m gonna work on it.”
“If I wanted perfect, I wouldn’t want you.” She leaned in and kissed Carol’s lips gently. It was more of a reassurance for both of them than anything else. “I love you.”
“Love you.” Carol smiled and pulled one hand free to slip her arm around Emme’s waist, pressing against the small of her back in the hopes of coaxing her closer again. “Thank you for not giving up on me.”
Feeling more relaxed again, Emme turned and went to settle back into her previous position of laying against Carol’s chest. Arms came around her, and she snuggled in, placing her hands on top of Carol’s. “Thank you for giving me reasons not to.”
Carol smiled into Emme’s hair, happy to feel like at least one of the dark clouds hovering over them was gone. It felt so good. She felt lighter and hopeful, and she could tell Emme did, too. “I aim to please,” she joked, her thumbs slipping beneath the hem of her fiancée’s shirt to stroke soft skin. Her lips moved to ghost over the shell of her ear. “Love you so much.”
Emmeline chuckled low in her throat. “You damn well better, Carol Danvers.”