Quentin Coldwater (magicianquentin) wrote in valloic, @ 2022-09-12 14:49:00 |
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Entry tags: | !: action/thread/log, ₴ inactive: eliot waugh |
And then came the random as fuck question about him dating. It was honestly the furthest thought from his mind. He had answered honestly, and if the right person asked him, he would say yes. The fact that Eliot was the right person and somehow remained oblivious to that fact was beyond him. He'd said he loved him. He'd flat out told the man he never stopped, and would never stop, but still, Eliot didn't seem to get it. The other, less desirable option, was that Eliot did get it and was not interested. Quentin was trying very hard not to believe that.
Just like he was trying very hard not to panic over the not-date he'd just invited Eliot to in their living room. He was still not quite sure he was up for getting out there and being around all the people who lived in Vallo. And it was Eliot's night off, so they should do something. It had taken him longer than he cared to admit to actually pick the movie he wanted them to watch. He didn't want anything romantic (too obvious) or too actiony/spooky/whatever. He narrowed it down to two movies, then settled on The Mummy, because Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz looked amazing in it.
Once the movie was selected came the planning of the food. Eliot told him not to overthink it, which was categorically impossible for him. He kept telling himself it was not a date, but deep down he wanted it to be. And it was Eliot's fault for even bringing it up. But meal planning was surprisingly easy, he turned to the internet and found a few ideas, then actually ventured into town to buy what he needed. Mostly he got stuff that was ready-made. All he had to do was put it on pretty plates and call it fancy. The only real cooking he did was the kebabs, but they had come all ready to go all he had to do was put them in the oven.
By the time seven rolled around, he had the living room set up for their movie (not a date) night. Blankets on the floor, their pillows stacked together against the couch and the coffee table pushed to one side holding their movie feast. There was a tray with veggies, hummus, pita triangles and olives. Another tray with kebabs and falafel patties, with more pita bread and more tomatoes and olives. Napkins and empty plates off to one side, and drinks. There were two cocktails off to one side (he got fancy with a 1920s drink that sounded good) and a pitcher of just plain iced tea because he did not want either one of them to get drunk. Though he had the makings for more of that drink if Eliot really wanted more.
He checked over everything, making sure it was perfect and spoke under his breath "It's not a date. Stop panicking." He glanced at the clock and then checked one more time that the movie was ready to go when Eliot was then sat down to wait.
An indoor picnic and a movie was his...their Saturday evening plans. Eliot had not expected it, but Quentin was quite keen on the idea wanting to take care of everything, but finally let him make dessert. He'd opted to make apple turnovers. They were relatively easy. So he'd gone straight to the kitchen to make them. As he prepped everything he thought about their earlier conversation. Why had he asked Quentin about dating? Honestly, he was curious where he stood on the subject. Was he looking to date? Wanting to date? Or was it something he wasn't even thinking about. Because truthfully, he didn't think the other had any interest in him like that. There was so much he was dealing with and he'd only been in Vallo just over a week. Then there was the fact that at every turn Quentin was calling him his friend or best friend. Yes, he'd said he loved and always would, but it was friendship love.
And that was all okay. It was what it was. Eliot was glad Quentin was there for a multitude of reasons. In time things would even out and the strain would dissipate. Things would get back to how they'd once been. Yes, they would.
Eliot went about finishing up the turnovers to get in the oven. He then whipped up a glaze to drizzle over them once they were done and cooled. The smell of apple and cinnamon filled the kitchen and it was heavenly. Finally, the turnovers were finished and he sat them on the counter to cool before adding the drizzle. He was tempted to have one but resisted.
He went up to his room deciding to take a shower and make himself scarce until their movie/picnic night started. He ended up falling asleep after his shower. He probably shouldn't have slipped under the covers. When he woke he looked around then reached for his phone. Shit. He'd slept for two hours. With a yawn, he got up, got dressed and tamed his hair that had some serious bedhead going on. He made his way downstairs and saw that the living room was all ready, but his eye was drawn to the table that held the food and drinks. "What a spread." His smile was still a little sleepy. "It all looks good." He picked up the cocktail and took a sip. "Very nice. Did you make this, Quentin?"
Quentin was beginning to wonder if Eliot had forgotten. Maybe he’d started asking about dates because he had one? No that couldn’t possibly be it. He’d have said something. Wouldn’t he? Then the man walked down the stairs and Quentin knew exactly what had happened. He tried not to swoon, or at least not make too obvious. Eliot with his barely combed bedhead and that still sleepy look in his eyes was too cute and it made Quentin want to shuffle him over to the pillows and cuddle him up so that he could get back to the sleep he clearly still needed.
But, Eliot was there and looking over everything he’d done. It seemed like a lot of food, but he’d made sure not to get enough for an army. Just enough for the two of them, and leftovers for lunch the next day. “Yeah...it was supposed to be kinda a theme?” He reached up and rubbed at the back of his neck to keep himself from reaching up and smoothing Eliot’s hair down more. “I picked The Mummy, and they’re in Egypt, in the twenties...” HE gestured at the food and watched him pick up the drink. He got a little bit excited about that part. “That is called the bee’s knees and it was apparently invented during the prohibition. Cuz like all they had was pretty crap gin that was made with whatever people could find, so it didn’t always taste great. Add a bunch of honey and you don’t taste how bad it is.” He was clearly proud of himself for finding a drink that fit the theme and remembering the little story. He stopped and shrugged. “I dunno. It sounded kinda cool.”
STOP freaking out, Coldwater! He tucked his hair back again and smiled up at Eliot. “So movie, food, drinks...you ready?” He motioned to the spread-out blankets and the pillows. They couldn’t be The Pillows, but they were still their pillows stacked up cuz they needed each other and missed each other. HE hoped Eliot understood what he was trying to say. He missed the man. He missed them, and not just as friends. He missed it all so much that it hurt. All the time. But he’d lived like that for so much of his life, he hardly noticed the difference. Quentin stepped over to grab the remotes and then sat down on what was always his side whenever they lay together and waited for Eliot to join him. Once the man did he started the movie up and put the remotes in easy reach just in case they need them.
Eliot listened to Quentin share the theme of the evening and smiled. "It is cool how you connected everything together. Cute and clever. And this drink is amazing. Maybe you should see if you can get hired on at Dorian's." He bumped Quentin with his hip and grinned. He knew the school and library thing was where the other’s interest and heart were. "I never would have made it through prohibition. I'd have to blow big hulking guys to smuggle me alcohol because I'm clearly a lover, not a fighter." He winked and chuckled then took another sip of the drink.
"I'm ready." He made his way over to the blankets and pillows and settled down beside Quentin. This was sort of familiar. He reached for one of the extra blankets and spread it over them. "Oh, do you want some blanket?" He'd just thrown it over Quentin as well as if he were on autopilot. He shifted a bit getting more comfortable and leaning back against the pillows. "So who's your eye candy in this movie? Brendan or Rachel? Or is it both?" He asked in a mock dramatic voice looking over at the other and laughing. He'd seen the movie, but it had been years.
"Did you see what I made for dessert?" He asked as the movie started. "I hope it meets your fruity, but not too sweet approval?"
“Well, it just sounded like fun.” He rolled his eyes and laughed. “Nope. I’m not after your job El. I’d get halfway through the night and get fired for dropping every other drink.” The pressure would just be too much. Teaching...speaking of which he needed to get on that. He didn’t want to just sit around letting Eliot take care of him. Maybe he wanted to, but he shouldn’t. That’s not the kind of relationship they were having then. Yet.
The old habits fell into place and he scooted a little bit closer as Eliot pulled a blanket over the both of them. Of course, he wanted some blanket. Especially one that had Eliot under it. Once they were comfy Quentin shrugged. “Hard to say. She is walking around in her nightgown for a lot of the movie. But then Brendan...” He hummed and shook his head. Because let’s be real, that movie helped a great many kids realise that both was a good thing. “And then there was that one guy with the face tattoos.” That guy was the one who really the one in the movie that made a twelve-year-old Quentin go OH my for the first time at a guy.
He looked over at the tray with the dessert on it (yes he’d seen it in the kitchen and brought them out). “They are perfect I think. The house smelled amazing when I came in from shopping.” Without thinking, Quentin shifted and rested his head on Eliot’s shoulder and one arm around his waist. It was his comfy movie-watching position, and it just felt natural. He didn't notice for several minutes but he wasn’t going to move if Eliot didn’t push him away.
Learning something new about Quentin made him smile. After everything, it was good to be able to still do that in a natural way with the flow of conversation. Brendan didn't really do anything for him. He was cute, but nothing that would get him all hot and bothered. Not that he was looking to get all hot and bothered. "If you need a few moments at any point do let me know. Between Rachel, Brendan and the guy with the face tattoos, I'm afraid you might get a bit overheated," he teased with a soft chuckle.
"Perfect? Save that word for after you've tasted them. Then you may shower me with compliments." He was grinning again, the ease of bantering back and forth coming back. Quentin shifting and then getting an arm around his waist and laying his head on his shoulder was unexpected and made his heart skip a beat. He was just getting comfortable, watching a movie like one does when getting comfy. Eliot moved one of his arms to slip around Quentin because...because. He literally stared at his fingers that were itching to play with Quentin's hair as they'd done so often. No. No playing with Quentin's hair.
Eliot turned his attention back to the movie. He should have brought that drink over with him. They'd eat in a little while. He'd down the drink and move to tea. It was obvious Quentin didn't want either of them to be drunk. He got it, but it didn't stop him from wanting a drink right now.
Quentin just rolled his eyes and playfully smacked Eliot’s side. “I’ll have you know that I have more self-control than that, mister.” Obviously, because he was this close to Eliot and had not climbed him yet. Even if he wanted to. Damnit. He hadn’t even been thinking like that until it came up in a super playful way. Though now that the thought had crossed his mind he couldn’t quite stop himself. Someday was all he told himself. They’d get back to that place. He hoped anyway.
He tensed slightly when he felt Eliot’s arm move but then relaxed and gave a happy, contented sigh as he snuggled in closer. He couldn’t keep the smile off his face while he watched the movie. Maybe it wasn’t officially a date but that didn’t matter. They were cuddled up watching a movie he loved and it didn’t feel awkward at all. It just felt comfortable. Sure there were some little things missing, like Eliot’s fingers running through his hair, but that was okay. He was still happy and comfortable for the moment. He just hoped Eliot was too.
After a bit he glanced over at the food on the table then looked up. “You want me to bring the tray over here so you can snack?” He’d been nibbling while preparing things, so he wasn’t exactly hungry, but Eliot might be. He didn’t even wait for a response he just turned his head and kissed the spot he’d been laying on purely out of habit before he shifted away and reached over for their drinks and the tray of veggies and hummus. “We should probably get some of those smaller tray table things so we don’t get any mess on the blankets next time.”
As soon as he had the tray settled and the words were out of his mouth he realised what he’d done and said. He couldn’t take any of it back, not that he wanted to. He’d just have to see how Eliot took it. Either he’d roll with it, and things would stay comfortable. OR He would tense up and things would get awkward. Quentin tried to keep his nerves in check as he waited to see how Eliot would react.
"Owww!" Eliot howled then laughed. "Is that so? When was the last time you had sex?" He asked without really thinking about it and not really feeling weird about. Mostly. Snuggling wasn't something new, but like this, when it was casual and not for comfort or soothing had been a long time. Even with the other version of Quentin. There wasn't really any tension though, but he was still surprised by it. Quentin just hadn't given any indication of wanting...more? Now wasn't the time to think about such things though.
"Yeah, I could eat." Before he could moved Quentin had and kiss the spot where his head had been laying. What was that? He didn't look at Quentin who seemed completely unphased. Okay. What was going on here? His wheels were starting to turn, but he couldn't start overthinking. So far it was a good night and there was no reason to muck it up with questions and such.
"Uh, yeah, we can get some of those small trays." Again? They'd be doing this again.Eliot took a plate and added some veggies and humus to it. He bypassed them and reached for the cocktail Quentin had made and downed it. "It's really good." He didn't know what else to say. Okay. Two friends watching a movie and snacking. Yes, that's what this was. He nibbled on the veggies, but his mind wasn't really focusing on the movie anymore.
Quentin thought a moment, how long had he been in Vallo? “Few weeks ago, maybe a month now?” HE shrugged. “Definitely not something I wanted to do again.” It hadn’t been all that noteworthy and was more of a pity hump in his eyes. He hadn’t been particularly interested in Poppy, but well it was hard to resist a nearly naked woman who was reasonably attractive while she was climbing on top of you. It happened, and it was over. She’d moved on, and so had he.
And there it was. The awkwardness had settled and he mentally kicked himself. Things had just felt so damned comfortable to him, he didn’t think before doing the little things he was missing. Okay so maybe there had not been many movie watching opportunites when they were in Old Fillory, but there had been plenty of snuggling opportunities and he missed them. He wasn’t ashamed that he missed them, or that he wanted them to happen again. He just still wasn’t entirely sure that Eliot wanted them to happen again with him just now. He honestly felt bad for having gotten that comfortable. He felt like he was pushing Eliot for something the man wasn’t ready to give him.
He held his own cocktail out to Eliot. “You want mine? I can make myself another one.” He didn’t mean for them to get drunk, or to seem like he was trying to get Eliot drunk. He just knew the man well enough and thought maybe another drink would help calm whatever thoughts were currently spinning around his head. The night had been going so well before he fucked it all up. He really needed to think before he did things!
Not that long ago. It shouldn't have been surprising. Quentin had needs like anyone else. Eliot didn't feel awkward. In truth, he wasn't sure what he was feeling. Confused and lost maybe. "No, I'm good." He replied when offered the drink. He didn't want to be drunk. Did he want another drink or two? Yes, but it wouldn't be ideal at present. He looked to the movie for a few moments before turning to Quentin. "Can we talk? I mean really talk." He didn't wait for an answer before setting his plate aside and turning the TV off.
"There are times I feel like you're my priest if I believed in that kind of thing. Still, I've been confessing to you since I first met you." He'd told him of how he'd killed his school bully not long after they met. He'd told him of his true upbringing and all about his dad, his family. "Do you ever want to say so much, but don't know what to say?" That was perhaps the perfect way to describe how he was feeling.
"Sometimes I don't think I know myself at all. I've spent my whole life running, being afraid, trying to change myself and hiding. When I was brought here I was Just Eliot. Not a magician. Not some kid raised on a farm. Not some guy from a well-to-do family that never existed. Just a guy and I struggled hard to find myself, to try and feel like this could be home. I turned to you because you were familiar because I love you and you were really the only person who gave a damn about me. But I fucked that up too, to the point where you broke up with me. Oh, you regretted it quickly, but there was truth in your action. You were as tired of me as I was of myself because I was so unhappy. The truth is we got together too soon back then. I knew...I know you and I love you unlike I've ever loved anyone before, but we've never really dated. Yes, we have old Fillory and it is proof we work. I hold that so close to my heart. But even there you weren't just mine. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you had Ariel and we had Teddy, but here and now is different." Was he making any sense? Because he had so much more to say.
Quentin pulled his hand back and looked at the drink. He didn’t really even want it then. He leaned over and set it back on the table. He was just getting settled again when Eliot spoke and turned off the movie. And there it was. He’d overstepped and he didn’t even realise it until it had happened. He just nodded and scooted away from him. He wanted to get up and just leave, but stayed and listened. “I feel like that pretty much all the time.” Which was a consequence of his overthinking every little thing in his world. Like he was already starting to do. He tried to stop himself, but in the back of his mind he was already starting to dissect the evening to figure out what he’d done wrong so he wouldn’t do it again. He had a feeling it was just the entire evening had been a bad idea.
Quentin wanted to say he hadn’t done any of those things. He’d never broken up with him, he doubted that he ever would, but he’d thought the same thing about Alice. The sting that came when Arielle and Teddy came up was unexpected. His memories of Old Fillory were a little fuzzy, but he knew that they were real. He knew the feelings he still felt were true, no matter where things went from here. “Maybe I could have been just yours, but...” He wasn’t even sure but what? He shook his head. “But nothing. We were a family. We had a son. We had grandkids, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.” He looked away from Eliot at the room. He had been so stupid. They couldn’t just slip into being a couple again, could they?
The more he thought about what Eliot said, the more Quentin was convinced that this entire evening had been a bad idea. That he should have gone with his gut instinct that first night and stayed elsewhere. Being in the cottage, being with Eliot but not with Eliot was hard when so many things were jumbled up in his head. And in his heart. He loved Eliot, and he knew he always would. But he was still not sure that Eliot still loved him like that.
He looked over at him again and tilted his head. “So what do you want to do now?” He knew what he should do, he just wasn’t sure he was quite strong enough to do it just yet.
Eliot listened to everything Quentin said. Was it possible he misunderstood everything he said, was trying to say? It seemed that way and it left him a bit baffled.
Eliot knew instantly what Quentin was thinking. "I meant the Quentin that was here before you broke up with me. We went through a rough patch." Ultimately Eliot felt it was all his fault. "But that's not how it worked out. It's not what the universe had in store for us." At first anyway. "Yes, we were a family." His voice softened as he spoke of that time. "I'm sorry for bringing up Teddy. I miss him." He'd never thought he'd be a father, but now that he'd been one, he wouldn't change it for anything in the world.
"What do I want now?" He searched Quentin's face. "Is it not obvious? It's stupid that we walk around like we're just friends. I love you. I want to hold you, fuck you, make love to you, lay in bed on a lazy Sunday playing with your hair while watching TV or just talking. We're never going to be just friends. We act like we're just friends though. You think I'm not over the other Quentin. I loved him, I miss him, but I want more. You do it because you don't know if I want something more, if I'm ready, or maybe because you think you'd have to compete with him. He was you in another version. I don't see him when I look at you. Yes, I remember the life we had, but here and now is all we have." He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
"I'm so tired, Quentin. Exhausted. Why can't I get a fucking break and have a "normal" life?" He scoffed. "Eliot Waugh wanting a normal life. I mean I want to not be stressed, worried, sad, lost and unhappy all the damn time. I don't want to pretend everything is okay when it's not." Eliot reached for Quentin's hands and looked into his eyes. "I know I've said a lot. I hope I haven't overwhelmed you. I trust you above anyone else. I want you. I always have. You scare me, excite me, thrill, push me, make me think and want things I've never wanted until I met you and got to know you. You make me happy. I wish I could say life won't keep being fucked up, but I know better. I just want to go through it all with you." That was it at the end of the day. Yes, there was still more to say, but he needed Quentin to know where he truly stood.
It was stupid to walk around like they were just friends. They weren’t, and they never could be that again, no matter how hard he was trying. But Eliot was right, he was trying because didn’t know if Eliot wanted more from him or the other Quentin. It was a complete mindfuck when he thought about it too long, which he honestly did even though it left him feeling off-kilter most of the time.
The fact that he had to ask should have made it perfectly clear that it wasn’t obvious to Quentin. He always expected to be let down, be rejected. It was just how his luck ran with people in general. There had to be something about him that caused people to run away. Even Eliot, even knowing what they’d had. Maybe he wasn’t quite as over that rejection as he thought he was. But hearing the man say he wanted all of that and more with Quentin was a shock. “I want...You want...” He had a hard time wrapping his head around what Eliot said. His brain was still picking apart what he’d done since getting to Vallo.
The knowledge that Eliot still wanted him was overwhelming to him. It was more than he was expecting. Quentin knew he had to let go of his own insecurities. He had to let go and trust that Eliot would catch him. And he wanted to trust it, especially when he felt the man take his hands. The connection was there, all he had to do was stop fighting it. He swallowed hard and looked away, trying to get his brain to let go and let him follow his heart. It was too much. Too heavy. But he wanted all those things and more. He wanted them to have a life together.
He looked back up at the man, his eyes shiny with tears that would fall any second now. “I want that too, El....” And there they were, quietly falling down his cheeks. “I love you...and I know that doesn’t mean things will always be kittens and unicorns. You’re part of me, for better or worse, forever.” He squeezed the man’s hands and scooted back over until their knees were touching again. “We were together for too long for us to be just friends ever again. It was stupid of me to try.” And he knew it was mostly him, trying to convince himself that they were just friends. It’s what he’d been doing since Eliot had turned him down once they were back in their correct timeline. “Can we just stop pretending and just be us? Whatever that is going to look like here?”
Eliot quietly held Quentin's hands giving him time to process everything he'd said. He knew the other well enough to know that he still worried about rejection, still worried about everything falling apart. He only hoped Quentin would understand that in laying it all out on the table, bearing his heart and thoughts, that he truly loved him and wanted him. That would always be true no matter what life threw at him.
He watched all the emotions that played over his face and the tears that came as he spoke. Quentin was emotional. He could hide very little. Eliot wiped some tears away. "Right. You're stuck with me. I'm sorry." He chuckled softly attempting a little humor. Though his point had been he was no picnic and yet, Quentin loved him through everything. Those words though, he knew well. "Not stupid, Q, normal. It's what we do when we're trying to protect ourselves, our heart." They'd both been doing just that.
"That's what I want more than anything. I want us to be us and not worry or stress about things." Eliot pulled Quentin close and wrapped his arms around him wanting to hold him, to have that connection. "It will look like two people who love each other who are working at things." He nuzzled against Quentin's neck and breathed in his scent. "Love you, Quentin." He wasn't ready to let go and even tightened his hold slightly.
Quentin didn’t try to hold his emotions in around Eliot. He probably couldn’t even if he tried. The man knew him too well. He still tried around everyone else though. Eliot was different. He did give a little smile at the ‘joke’ and shook his head. “I’m not sorry. No one else I’d rather be stuck with than you.” Which was the honest truth. Given the choice of any single one of his friends, he’d pick Eliot. Always.
He scooted closer when Eliot reached out to hold him and immediately buried his nose against his neck. “I love you too, Eliot.” The position, while comfortable, was simply not close enough for him. Quentin shifted until he could climb up onto Eliot’s lap and straddled the man’s hips. Then he wrapped his arms around his slender frame and clung to him like a spider monkey. It was silly he knew, but he needed to be as close as possible. He needed to be chest to chest so he could feel Eliot’s heart beating against his. He couldn’t explain it, and he wouldn’t even try if someone asked him to. “I missed you so much...and you were right here.”
"That's good to know. I'll keep it in mind the next time I fuck up or make you mad." He didn't really need to, he knew how Quentin felt. Maybe he was saying it more to himself than anything else.
How comforting and good to be holding Quentin, to share those little touches and know there was no reservation or hesitation, no second guessing. Eliot smiled when Quentin moved to straddle him and wrap his arms around him. He clung to him as if he'd disappear or if he'd wake up from some dream. The closeness warmed him in a way he hadn't felt in such a long time. He rubbed over Quentin's back letting his fingers slide through his soft locks before he was holding him again. "I know the feeling, Q." It hadn't been a good one. "No more of that though. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."
“And the next time I do something stupid that pisses you off.” His words were a little muffled because he refused to pull his nose away from Eliot’s neck. He’d always heard how sometimes scents could be comforting but he’d never really had any before Eliot. Now he had a few different ones, and Eliot was the most comforting of them all. That he could access anyway. It might have been the mention of Teddy and Arielle, but he had a sudden need to see their cottage. To see what all had come over with it.
“Good. Cuz I’m not going anywhere without you.” Knowing the nature of Vallo, and there was that part of his brain that always found the bad in something, he knew it wasn’t something either of them could promise. But he knew they would do their best to keep to their word. He kissed that spot where Eliot’s neck met his shoulders then snuggled in more, trying to make himself even smaller against the man.