InsaneJournal

It was nothing new, really. Battling inner demons used to be a daily check-off list for Wei Wuxian back home. But here he’d done well to cultivate what he focused on here. If you didn’t think about things too much, what was there to battle?

Only recently did that really start creeping up on him. Intrusive thoughts of Jin Guangyao popping up - not to mention the worries of him arriving, though having everyone know would surely be more helpful? But once he put that to bed, other things crept up. When he had gone to bed that night, he’d woken up before even Lan Zhan, feeling the hands of the Burial Mounds grabbing him and pulling him into darkness as he struggled to open his eyes.

He ended up at Lotus Pier before he’d realized where his feet had taken him. He stood there, outside his old room, frozen in place as his memories moved around him in a flurry. It was almost as if he was transported to the past, when visions of the children of Yunmeng ran around full of laughter. Laughter that died away when Wen Chao and his mistress had stomped through, breaking the happier vision for one more brutal.

Wei Wuxian winced and shook his head at himself, but cast a long glance towards Jiang Cheng’s nearby door, one he had almost knocked on just moments. It was too early, especially if he were to have company and Wei Wuxian made a little noise of complaint to himself before settling down on one of the nearby bridges to wait.

Jiang Cheng had never slept especially hard. Maybe after a night of too much schnapps here in this place, he sank a little deeper into unconsciousness. But every other night, his hearing was attuned to changes in his home. He was - even here, even after months of calm - paranoid. So when the shuffling off feet sounded outside his door, his eyes opened and his mind sharpened.

A lot of terrible things had happened in Lotus Pier, his home. He'd worked many years to cleanse it. But it would always be scarred and it would always be something he was afraid he couldn't protect.

He leapt to his feet as quietly as possible and tiptoed over to the door, drawing his sword from its sheath where it was leaning against a bookcase. Flinging the door open, he thrust out his sword where he'd last heard a sound and froze with it a little too close to his brother's face.

"Wei Wuxian," he hissed it like a curse and an expression of relief all at once. He dropped the sword to his side and sighed. Loudly. "You know there are perfectly good daylight hours with which to harass me." His tone was surprisingly soft considering the sharp greeting. Maybe because he was bothered by the look on Wei Wuxian's face. "Did something happen?"

For all of Wei Wuxian’s loud noises and screams when he was being dramatic, the overdone nature of his very self was quiet right now. He did jump when a sword was thrust in his face-- and immediately had the reminder that he left Suibian at home. It had been months since his golden core was restored, and he still hadn’t found a habit to carry it with him.

His wince was obvious, face scrunched up as it did and left to linger on him even as the sword dropped away. Wei Wuxian had been face to face with the tip of Sandu a few times, and not many of them were good memories. But it was becoming increasingly hard in this very moment to conjure up any of those good memories anyway, so maybe that was appropriate.

“Jiang Cheng,” He realized he should have probably started off with a no in response rather than letting his voice echo his brother’s tone. “No. I just couldn’t sleep.” As if realizing how tired and calm he sounded, Wei Wuxian tried to a little humor. “You know us Demonic Cultivators do our best work in the cover of the night.”

Jiang Cheng frowned and sheathed his sword. Self-deprecating Wei Wuxian was rarely a good sign. He lowered himself to the bridge to sit next to his brother, a little stiffer perhaps, but close enough that it wouldn't be hard to assume Jiang Cheng was offering the comfort of his presence where his words often failed.

"You are not working," he pointed out unnecessarily. He wasn't sure what Wei Wuxian was doing. "Did you want me to get Yanli?" She was the more obvious choice for insomnia confidant - or really any kind of confidant - but the reluctance in Jiang Cheng's tone was obvious. He would be stung if Wei Wuxian said yes. His brother could easily have moped outside her room instead of Jiang Cheng's. "Or…I could listen. If something is weighing on you."

“Oh.” Wei Wuxian hadn’t expected that. He really hadn’t expected his brother to sit down, either, or do more than just scoff and go back to bed, telling Wei Wuxian to be quieter. That might’ve been the inner demons in his head, tapping away annoying. It was a little unfair to Jiang Cheng, that inner-demon, so he didn’t voice his surprise more than the quiet oh that had slipped out.

“No, don’t wake her.” He didn’t want to be a burden to either of them, shijie least of all. Jiang Cheng was at least a little more adjusted to his moods. “I am just-- I had bad dreams, last night, and am thinking a lot this morning.” He propped his head up on the railing that he leaned against, getting more comfortable now that he wasn’t about to be stabbed or thrown out. “Our lives here are very good, Jiang Cheng. It feels silly to dwell on the past darkness. Like I am willing things to be worse instead of better.”

There was still some stiffness in Jiang Cheng’s posture. There likely always would be. But he made an effort to relax his shoulders and actually listen as he promised to do. He was a man of his word after all. That didn’t mean he liked what he heard, of course.

“Sometimes you can’t control whether your thoughts are good or bad, Wei Wuxian. But you can control what you do about them.” Narrowing his eyes slightly, he nudged into his brother’s shoulder with his own. “Has avoiding anything ever paid off for you? Tell me about your dreams.” It was an order, but it was at least delivered with a concerned scowl and not an angry one. It had to be some kind of progress.

Wei Wuxian narrowed his eyes right back at his brother, but not in a bad way so much as playful suspicion. The pair had never been great at listening to each other, so it had said a lot when their most heartfelt (and heartbreaking) conversation had happened when everything was bad. “Avoiding the world and living with the Wen’s at the Burial Mounds was good for me.” He knew not everyone agreed, or understood, but it had been some of the best times of his life.

Only to end up one of the worst times of his life, but the series of events that fell like dominos after had been nothing but anger and hurt and sadness. Wei Wuxian went a little more serious when he looked back to the water. “I think it’s dreams of when I was dead. Gone. Being pulled into the earth by dark hands, like the days when I took up Demonic Cultivation. Sometimes I can almost remember those times, and sometimes it’s-- nothingness.”

There was only a small moment to scowl at the mention of the Burial Mounds. As far as Jiang Cheng was concerned, everything had already been going downhill fast at that point, but he also knew Wei Wuxian had few options then. Mostly he regretted not being strong enough or wise enough to make better choices to save his family. Which was the thought that settled uncomfortable behind his ribs as Wei Wuxian detailed his nightmare.

"I thought...I didn't know you remembered anything from that time." He spoke quietly and pressed the heel of his hand against his eye where a sharp headache seemed close to forming. "What is this about dark hands?" The thought was instantly like acid in his throat. His next words were brittle because of it. "This was when you were trapped in the Burial Mounds alone?" He remembered all too well how haunted his brother had looked then. But he had been stubbornly silent on the matter.

Wei Wuxian regretted not slinking away and dealing with his issues on his own, despite Jiang Cheng’s words, and despite the fact that he was listening. It was still difficult to not fall into the old habit of being alone. He was quiet for a moment, debating, unsure, a little lost with how to answer. He didn’t want to make things more difficult on Jiang Cheng, the same as he didn’t want to burden Lan Zhan with his issues.

“Some,” He felt shameful admitting it, and whispered the admission. “It doesn’t matter.” He shook his head, almost in denial. Maybe it was a dream - maybe his mind made up that time spent who knew where. “The dead are demanding, and before I-- learned and adapted and changed the Burial Mounds, they were violent and restless.” He winced, knowing that it likely happened again after he was gone, after the Wens were gone, and after the Burial Mounds were in ruins. “Was it bad again after?”

“It does matter,” Jiang Cheng argued petulantly. “It mattered then and it matters now.” He felt sick and his stomach rolled at the thought of all that time Wei Wuxian had been trapped and they had searched everywhere but where he actually was. No one would have ever thought anyone could survive the Burial Mounds, let alone without a core – as Jiang Cheng only now knew had been the case.

“Everything was bad after,” he whispered. His hand felt damp so he rubbed them on the fabric over his knees. “I don’t know…I mean I think the Burial Mounds worsened too but it wasn’t a primary concern at the time.” He’d been busy trying to clear the resentful energy from Lotus Pier and fiercely pretending his entire life hadn’t shattered into nothing. “Do you think this means something? Having the dreams here now?” he frowned, glancing furtively at Wei Wuxian.

Wei Wuxian didn’t want to fight, the argument fell from his shoulders before it ever even reached his mouth, and he just-- quieted, instead of making it worse. So much of his humor came from not wanting to burden others, and using it as a coping mechanism. It was difficult now, with Jiang Cheng looking hurt, to find that humor.

He wasn’t proud of the fact that more than once since coming back he’d wondered if Jiang Cheng even cared. He knew now that the bitterness his brother had settled into wasn’t just because of losing Yanli and the Jiang clan, that Wei Wuxian had been a part of that too.

“No,” Wei Wuxian shook his head. “I’ve been having these dreams since I was there. Sometimes there’s more of them, sometimes I dream of others being stuck with me. Sometimes I wonder why Mo Xuanyu picked me but I remember I was just-- a vessel and pawn of revenge. Useful. That’s all.”

"All this time?" Jiang Cheng scowled. "You shouldn't keep things like this to yourself, hiding behind your dumb jokes all the time." It was, admittedly, a hypocritical thing to say. He didn't hide behind jokes, but he did hide behind tradition and taking things overly seriously. Things felt different now, though. He tried to be different. When it didn't feel like something worse than before anyway.

"I doubt it was just that you were a pawn though." He tucked his hands into his opposite sleeves - more for something to do with them than because it was especially cold even this late. "Everyone knew how powerful you were. That you were an outcast. That you would strike fear into his enemies specifically. Those things would have appealed to him." The temptation to dig more about the dreams grew strong but he curbed it for the moment, waiting to see how his brother would choose to share his stress.

“You’re one to talk,” Wei Wuxian pointed out with a petulant pout on his face. He didn’t like being called out, he’d never liked it, even if it was true. He was terrible about backing down, even if Jiang Cheng was right. “No one likes to hear depressing things all the time, Jiang Cheng, it just makes them unhappy. The secret to success is faking it.” Or lying to yourself, both things Wei Wuxian was very proficient in.

He wished that it was a compliment to be told how powerful he was, but he knew that the Wei Wuxian those close to him knew was not the Yiling Patriarch the world spread tales of. Perhaps Mo Xuanyu was right to bring him back - and somedays he was more thankful than others. Days where he woke up next to Lan Zhan, or fell asleep with arms wrapped around him more comforting than any soft blanket.

Waking up in the darkness from nightmares wasn’t one of those times. He sighed, “Do you ever lie awake wondering if you ever made any right choices in the sea of all the wrong ones, Jiang Cheng?”

Jiang Cheng scoffed. "The secret to success is hard work and learning from your mistakes." He said the last part with more emphasis than the first. His mother would have said it was hard work and tradition. Doing as you were expected and never backing down. But he'd learned at least that sometimes one had to change. Maybe he wasn't always good at that part, but he was trying and he was well aware now that he could have made many different choices in their past to change everything.

"Of course I think about it." His shoulders sagged and he leaned unconsciously against his brother. "I think too much about what I did right or wrong. How I could have changed things for you both. But there is nothing we can do to change the past. What matters now is how we move forward." He looked over at Wei Wuxian with a softer concern. "Why do you think you still dream of these things? Fear it will happen again?" Wei Wuxian rolled his eyes with a force more powerful than even Demonic Cultivation could boast. He wanted to tell Jiang Cheng he sounded like a teacher, or at least very much like an adult. They had been forced to grow up so soon, much too soon, but that was another depressing memory that Wei Wuxian didn’t want to bring up. He already had guilt weighing down his shoulders from bringing this up in the first place.

He mimicked his brother’s sag with his own. What did he have to be worried about? To be sad over? He was getting married. He had his sister and Wen Qing back. Things were good here in Vallo, and Wei Wuxian wanted nothing more than to keep it that way. The past was behind them, and Jiang Cheng was right, they had to move forward.

But it was like his feet were stuck in the mud. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m broken? I shouldn’t be bothered by these things anymore, right?”

Jiang Cheng startled, but forced himself not to dislodge Wei Wuxian from their lean. "You are not broken," he growled. His anger was not directed at Wei Wuxian but he supposed that would be hard to tell from words alone. He blew a breath out through his nose.

"You are damaged, fine, yes. Who wouldn't be after everything you went through?" Picking up a rock from the wooden walkway, he lobbed it out into the garden nearby. "Do you expect good things to erase the bad? To forget it all and never be afraid again? We would be making the same mistakes over and over if that were the case." He scowled and his voice dropped to a murmur. "Mother would say every fear makes us weak, but I don't think she was as fearless as she pretended to be. And she is dead all the same anyway."

Wei Wuxian froze at the mention of Madam Yu, unsure of exactly how to reply to that. She was a formidable woman, to be sure, and Wei Wuxian would not have bet against her being fearless, he honestly had expected it. But she hadn’t liked him very much, and their parting had not been on the best of terms, either.

Much of what she’d said to him then, years ago, still sat with him now. “It is easier to say that when you are a scary as she was,” Wei Wuxian wasn’t joking, not when it came to her. Her spirit might just haunt him if he dared.

“I don’t know, Jiang Cheng.” He slumped, leaning a little further into his brother. “Your George Weasley talks to someone, but I don’t know how to do that, either. But I want to be better. For Lan Zhan, for Yanli, for you.”

Jiang Cheng supposed he’d earned that comment. There was a time he’d have taken pride in it – being as scary, as intimidating as his mother. Now it just left a wrinkle between his eyebrows and a pit in his stomach. “I don’t think what George does is all that difficult. You are smart when you don’t have your head up your ass.” He tried for a smirk, nudging Wei Wuxian with an elbow. “We can find you options of people to talk to, but you’ll need to decide which of them is worthy of that trust.”

Therapy was still baffling and Jiang Cheng couldn’t imagine gaining anything from it for himself. But. Well, his brother did like to talk about other things. Perhaps he just needed an unbiased ear to unburden the rest. If it did anything to relieve the haunted look in Wei Wuxian’s eyes that Jiang Cheng had spotted at the start of this conversation, it would be more than enough. “Whatever your choice…you don’t owe me anything. Except to remember there are waking hours for these conversations that don’t involve creeping into the village at night.”

Wei Wuxian made a noise of disapproval, but kept it quiet to his credit. Well, some of his credit. It still was a harshly whispered ay of annoyance. It didn’t matter that there was a compliment accompanying it when he knew he was smart - it was just more fun to get baselessly offended by things like the old days. Or the current days. He made another sound, as if considering Jiang Cheng’s words. “Someone without a dog,” He finally settled on, with a firm nod.

The censure about the time was heard and he had the grace to look a little sheepish. But not enough that proved he was feeling honestly guilty, because he wasn’t. Someone had to keep Jiang Cheng on his toes and remind him that family was still here to harass him on a daily basis, why shouldn’t it be Wei Wuxian?

So he batted his eyes at his brother innocently, like the shithead he was.“But Jiang Cheng, this is the place I feel most at home. Don’t you want me to be comfortable coming here?”

Rolling his eyes, Jiang Cheng covered Wei Wuxian's annoying face with his palm. He couldn't exactly do anything about the quiet swell of joy that accompanied the words this is the place I feel most at home, but he could give his brother a rough face rub and a tsk sound.

"Oh fine, shut up. Come on, you terrible pain in my side." He pushed to his feet in a graceful flutter of robes and a less graceful, but somehow affectionate, snort. "There's still some soup left from dinner." He offered his hand to help Wei Wuxian stand. "If I doze off while you eat it, you had better let me sleep."

Wei Wuxian laughed against his brother’s hand, clearly unbothered by the move because he had just won (and he was willing to do a lot of dumb things when he won) but it was the soup mention that got him moving.

Probably more swiftly and effectively than anything else could get Wei Wuxian moving, which said a lot about him. “Ooooh. Soup. Fine fine, you can get your sleep in over the meal, even if that’s very rude.” He could only halfheartedly censure his brother as he took the lead, confident he knew exactly where the soup was.