WHO: Lance & Shiro WHAT: A solemn heart to heart after Lance's birthday WHEN: July 29th morning WARNINGS: A little soft sad and discussion of death STATUS: Complete
Shiro had been breathing a little easier with the cicada problem resolved, but it meant there wasn't a real work distraction from the emotional rollercoaster of recent personal events. Lance's birthday did provide a partial one - something to focus on even if it was also something to worry about. He wasn't entirely sure how well Lance was really doing with the idea of celebrating another year of living when Allura...wasn't.
It hadn't gone over too bad, as far as Shiro knew. At least he hadn't found Lance crying in the dark overnight. He'd looked, though, just to be safe. Now it was morning and the campsite needed cleaning, but Shiro was determined to get Keith and Lance fed before any of that started. He wasn't much of a cook, so he jogged down the beach and came back with a bag full of breakfast burritos and three sugary coffee drinks in a carry tray.
Peering into the tent confirmed Keith was still asleep, but Lance was nowhere to be found. Shiro frowned and followed a path of footsteps he was reasonably certain weren't his own until he came around a rocky outcropping to find Lance.
"Hey. Good morning." He wasn't actually sure if it was good yet, but it didn't hurt to aim high. He perched on the rock next to Lance. "Are you hungry?
The cicadas had indeed been a nice distraction - which was a weird way of thinking of giant bugs but yet here Lance was. Something else to put his energy on instead of the big looming question of what now that weighed over him.
He was trying though, not to put his shit on other people too much - Shiro and Keith especially, after taking some days having done just that. For all Lance demanded being the center of attention in some ways, this was one he was not very comfortable being that in. And more than that, he knew he wasn't the only one hurting with the revelations of his updated memories.
And trying involved enjoying his birthday party as best he could. Even if it was weird that two weeks ago he was seventeen. Even if the guilt of the events back home nagged at him at every step. Even if he wasn't sure it was right to do so, but it seemed to make Keith happy and well, it was a little hard not to get sucked into feeling okay for a few hours when so many people had come out to help him do just that.
But the quiet of the morning came with a barrage of put aside thoughts and feelings and Lance had found himself restless and anxious. He'd figured Shiro had gone for a run or to get food so he didn't worry too much seeing just Keith in the tent and he crawled out into the early morning sun. He hadn't gone far, just a little walk before he sat down on the ground, knees pulled up to his chest as he watched the water below and got lost in his thoughts.
Hearing Shiro walk up behind him, Lance turned his head in that direction and gave Shiro a lazy lift of his hand in greeting. "Morning," he replied. He nodded a little as Shiro sat down. "I could eat." But then, Lance could usually always eat.
Shiro hummed thoughtfully. He knew all too well that Lance could probably eat under any circumstances. Maybe even while being eaten alive.
“There are breakfast burritos. And coffee,” Shiro said, glancing back towards the campsite. He didn’t get up, though. He nudged his shoulder against Lance’s instead and gave him the patented concerned-Shiro stare that people usually gave him grief for. “They’ll hold for a bit though. If you want to talk?” That might’ve been pushing it so he lobbed an easier question at Lance just in case. “How’d you sleep?”
His face perks up at the mention of burritos and coffee - he was easily pleased when it came to breakfast. As long as there was some form of egg and caffeine he was about as happy as it got in the morning. Followed by a soft laugh as Shiro gave the Team Dad look and switched gears - first into talking and then the quality of his sleep.
But Lance didn't mind. How could he. Shiro cared and as much as he - all of them - might tease Shiro about patented concerned-Shiro stare, Lance wouldn't trade it for anything. And he knew damn well he wouldn't have gotten through the last however many years it had been of his life and come out as okay as he was without it. Or Shiro in general.
"Wow.. before coffee, man?" he teased though, but also didn't make any effort to actually get up for said coffee. Lance nudged his shoulder against Shiro's in return, shifted a little to wrap his arms around his knees and his one pressed lightly against Shiro.
"I slept good," he reported, a hint of that teasing smile still on his face as he did. While sleeping on the ground was never as good as bed it had been nice still, all hunkered down in their tent feeling warm and safe.
Lance settled his gaze out over the water below them as he mulled over the other question. "I… I don't know, Shiro - " he said with a long exhale. Which was more a state of being than an answer. "It's just…" he shrugged a helpless sort of look on his face. "It feels so big, you know? And I'll get lost in something - cicadas," a smirk at that, "or goofing off with Keith or… having a birthday party and it's okay for that little moment but then I feel bad because it was okay, but if I think about it too much it just feels like I'll never stop."
Shiro looked a little embarrassed at being called out, but the shift in answers – from good to serious – sobered his expression instantly. He stared out over the water with Lance. Survivor’s guilt was something he was very familiar with, long before this place. Some of his had been alleviated by finding Matt and his dad alive. But some lingered, in more than one form. Ironically, it had to have been something Allura had been very familiar with too, being one of the last of her people.
“It’s…a lot to carry, being the one who survived. Knowing there’s no way for you to go back and save someone.” He kept watching the waves and their gentle ebb against the rocky beach. “They say it gets easier. But grief is complex and personal. There’s no rushing it, you know?”
He risked a side glance, trying for a smile. “It’s important to grab the good moments and hold onto them, Lance. Your life is important and deserves celebrating.”
Lance picked at a little fray in the sweats he'd changed into to sleep. His own worth was something he'd struggled with for - well, ever really. The fact that he didn't immediately dismiss Shiro's comment though, or make some dumb overcompensating joke at it was progress though. Lance at least knew his friends were genuine in the things they said about, and he tried to respect that as much as he could.
"You always believed in us, Shiro," he said as he fidgeted with the fray. "Long before any of us really believed in ourselves," he looked to Shiro at his side and smiled a little. "You know we never would have gotten where were are without you." Sure they'd managed when Shiro had vanished, but it was better when they were all together.
He let his gaze settle forward again. "We had so many close calls, everything that happened with you, I'm pretty sure I died at one point, Keith being stuck on that space whale…" really there was a whole list but he didn't want to get too long down it. "But we all managed to come out the other side, you know? I guess I just fooled myself into thinking we'd keep that up, that we'd all come out of the war - together." A stupid and niave thought in hindsight, but one that he'd held onto. One that had gotten him through the worst of the homesickness, the constant battles, the drain that was every day bringing some new enemy, some new fight.
Shiro listened, his posture unconsciously slumped to keep him shoulder to shoulder and not looking down at Lance. It was a relief to hear him talk, really talk about how he was feeling. It was a reminder that Lance wasn’t the seventeen year old he’d shown up here as and he wasn’t even the Lance that Shiro had seen last at home. The softly glowing Altean marks on Lance’s face were a visible reminder of that, but Shiro was interested in more than the physical affects of Lance’s extra time.
“It’s not foolish to have hope,” Shiro said quietly. “Without it, what’s the point in fighting at all?” He laid his Altean hand on his knee, palm up, flexing the mechanical fingers. “Okay, maybe it wasn’t pragmatic. But so what? Leave pragmatism to people like me. Your strength has always been your heart. And Allura--” His voice gave out a little as he said her name and he cleared his throat. “It’s not fair.” The words were more simple than his usual grandiose speeches but he felt them just as keenly. “She deserved that picture you imagined. And so did you.”
Lance reached an arm around Shiro to give him a little side hug as his voice caught on Allura's name. Hopefully a little moment of comfort. They'd all lost Allura. Even if Shiro and Kieth came from an earlier point in time that didn't make it any easier. Didn't make the grief they were feeling any less.
"Not fair is an understatement," he added, but he got the words. Sometimes there weren't enough words to put it all into the world. "Losing her home, losing a thousand years, she fought so hard…" he trailed off, shrugged a little. "I just wish she'd gotten a better choice in the end, you know?" Because in the end that's what it came down to. Allura was ready and willing to do anything for her people, for the whole damn universe. Even at the cost of her own life. Lance just wished there'd been another way for her to take.
Lance rubbed a hand against his eyes and let out a tired little sigh. "I dunno, man - I keep trying to think maybe she's still out there - somewhere, somehow? Like maybe that wasn't the end end for her. Universe is a big place, right?" He wasn't sure if he truly believed it, but it was a nice thought. That rebuilding everything Honerva had destroyed hadn't meant Allura was gone - just that she was existing in a way he couldn't hope to ever wrap his human brain around.
“I know.” Shiro looped an arm around Lance’s shoulders while Lance rubbed at his face. As much as he knew it helped to talk about this stuff – all of them, needed to talk more – it still felt like dragging Lance through the sand after a good night. But the uplifting note of Lance’s words was something invaluable. Shiro pulled him into a quick head hug, barely resisting the urge to ruffle his hair like he usually would.
“I think that’s a beautiful thought and very possibly true. What we know about Quintessence could probably only fill a thimble. We saw Black stash my soul in a different plane.” His gaze turned out across the water again, intense and a little hopeful too. “Anything’s possible.” His expression cleared after a second and he clapped Lance’s shoulder. “Sorry I, uh, should’ve brought the burritos over here. This much heart to heart before food is just mean.”
Lance leaned into Shiro's return hug - he'd never been one to shy away from hugs and other forms of affection, growing up with the giant family he had. Team Voltron was no exception to the rule, and he would never deny the comfort that could be found in a nice hug from those closest to you.
Especially during hard conversations. Not that Lance entirely minded the subject, he knew it was good to talk about these things - even if they weren't always the best at it. And he did feel a bit lighter than he had when he'd gotten up, a few more thoughts out into the universe meant maybe they would eat away at him just a little bit less going forward. That his own musings on what Allura being gone might mean seemed to lighten Shiro's load with it a little too was nice.
"Anything's possible," he repeated softly, smiling a little as he looked out over the water. Even more so with everything in Vallo.
The rest though brought a laugh from Lance and he looked back to Shiro. "Plus you left them by Keith, we may not even have burritos to go back to," he joked. Lance scrambled to his feet, dusted off his pants and held a hand out to help Shiro up. "Come on, let's go see if he's at least left some crumbs." And the coffee. There'd be hell to pay if there was no more coffee.