At this point, she shouldn't have been surprised. If there was any one constant in her life, it was that people didn't stay in it long. Why would Victor be any different? Why would this time somehow change? Because she'd fixed him?
That should have settled her. The knowledge that she could certainly helped dull the pain of him leaving her again.
But it still fucking hurt. She'd gone to work that morning not knowing that an absence of Victor meant he was gone for good, and remained blissfully unaware until later in the day. Jesse had gotten a text from her, but it had been succinct, brief, cold. She didn't have the stomach for electronics right now.
She didn't have the stomach for much of anything, really, except for laying on their sofa with one hand on Dol, her only constant lifeline to home.
They'd been through this before, but Jesse knew that wouldn't make it any easier. He'd been disappointed when Gabe's brief appearance had been tense. It shouldn't have been a surprise that Victor's was too. He was a tense person as far as Jesse had seen. Tightly controlled and determined to do things his own way. Jesse was still grateful Syd had gotten to see him and gotten to work on his problem - he knew how much guilt she carried about that.
He also knew she'd be down in the dumps anyway. Which was why he came in through the door with a paper bag full of ice cream pints and chocolate bars and a big bottle of whipped cream vodka just in case.
"Hey, darlin'," he greeted, setting the bag on the coffee table and kneeling down next to the sofa. He ran a hand over the top of her head as Dol turned to lick his face. "You know the lights are out in here?" This is a real mood ya got goin'."
Syd shrugged. Jesse being there did help, immediately, instantly. He was her person, and they’d already been through a lot of arrivals and departures together. Not just Atlantis but here, each time making it more and more difficult to want to hope for someone to stay. Jesse had been steadfast for her through all of it, though, and now it left her wondering just how long they had for that to blow up in their faces.
She hated that thought. It made tears prick the back of her eyes, and she hated crying too, so she just lifted her head just enough so that if he wanted to slip onto the couch for her to rest her head on him, he could. “There was angry music playing earlier but the playlist ran out.”
Seizing the opening, Jesse eased up on to the sofa next to her and tucked an arm under her head. He hated seeing her like this. She was always keeping her more vulnerable emotions tightly held to her chest. When they showed so openly on her face, it made him wish there was a culprit to shoot. He pulled her close and nuzzled in behind her ear.
"I could sing to ya. But I don't have much angry in my repertoire." The word repertoire came out extra twangy in his molasses accent but he didn't let it slow him down any. "Or we could just talk some. Get it out. Yell if ya think that'll help." He kissed her temple and hugged a little tighter. "Might lighten the load."
She just rested against him silently for a few moments, before quietly mumbling against his shirt. “Johnny Cash?” That had the potential of making her even more sad and she damn well knew it, but Jesse’s voice had the benefit of sounding like it did, which put her at ease. Really, everything about him put her at ease, with his easy demeanor.
He had given her a fair ask, but Syd stayed silent at first. She didn’t want to talk about it. She never felt lighter, it was easier to just-- contain it all, box it away, forget it.
To not care.
“What’s wrong with me?” It was barely a whisper of a rhetorical question, she hadn’t meant to ask it, but stayed pressed against Jesse’s chest. Her voice cracked. “Why does everyone leave me? Why doesn’t anyone want me?”
Those words and the break in her voice felt a lot like the time Jesse got kicked right off a moving train and was left winded and broken in the New Mexico dust. He couldn't physically hold her tighter but he tried to curl around her the best he could anyway.
"Syd, hey now. I want you. I'm right here. You got friends here, family now." He sighed and pressed his cheek to the top of her head. "The people we care about ain't always that good at carin' back but that don't mean there's anythin's wrong with ya. And it ain't your fault this place didn't wanna give 'im enough time to get his shit in gear." To be fair, Jesse wasn't sure if Victor would've even if he'd had time. Or if it would've been enough, in Jesse's eyes, even if he tried. "You're unlucky but you ain't unwanted," he whispered against her hair.
“What if that’s just temporary too?” She hiccuped against him, not even shying away from being full-on sorry for herself now. It was unusual, even just crying wasn’t a thing she did, and her head throbbed with the weight of it. She’d held off losing it right up to the point where Jesse’s warm embrace circled her.
Maybe it was just the thought of losing that as well that set her off, but now she struggled to stop, another hiccup at Jesse’s chest, followed by a long, shuddering breath. He was right, of course he was right. She had people, she had him, and he was what kept her moving forward. “I love you.” It was a little less mumbled than her other words, and a little less saturated with tears, too. “Sorry.”
Jesse stroked her hair and grimaced. It was a worry; they'd been pulled from a world like this before, it could easily happen again. It had been sheer luck they'd ended up here together and remembered Atlantis at all. He didn't like thinking about it. It wasn't like there was anything a damned gunslinger could do to change the odds.
"I love you too. And I ain't gonna lie and pretend I have any say in if we get to keep this or for how long." He toed off his boots, one at a time, so he could get a little more comfortable there, crunched up with her on the couch. Dol laid his big head on Jesse's hip to lick at Syd's arm. "But I ain't ever leavin' you by choice. Whatever else happens, whoever else comes and goes, just know that much, alright?"
Syd abandoned the idea of wiping away any lingering tears and opted for giving Dol a good pet and scratch behind his ears. She knew it was part their connection and part just long time dog ownership that made that move feel comforting. Dol was comforting. Except when he jumped on the bed to lay on top of them in the middle of the night, then he was just crushing.
But she would’ve been okay with it right now.
She nodded against Jesse’s chest. “I know you’re not going through a mini crisis right now or being dramatic but-- ditto.” Syd finally leaned away a little to look up at him. “So file that away for your own crisis night or something okay?”
Jesse smiled, a little somber but still heartfelt. He felt silly - he'd never been all that good at speeches and this was really the place for one anyway, but he didn't regret speaking from the heart. "I'll do that," he promised.
Now that his shoes were off, he felt safe throwing a leg over hers and sinking down deeper into the couch. The ice cream was probably going to melt but it could wait a little bit longer. "It's good though, that you got to see him and settle a little bit of everything, right? Or would you rather he didn't show at all?"
It was an easy enough thing to stay wrapped around Jesse like she was a starfish, but she adjusted enough to let him get comfortable, having no idea there was ice cream in the bag across from them. The vodka, however, she’d spotted and eyed interestingly.
“I don’t know if I can answer that honestly right now. If I’m in the right frame of mind.” Bitterness and anger and sadness all swirled together, a dance that she hadn’t experienced in a while. Being able to settle things a little, to at least know she could help Victor, was a high she’d just had a few days ago. Now with the extreme low, she just wanted to live in that realm of bitterness for a few days. “Objectively yeah, good, but I think I just want to be mad for now. And maybe drunk.”
Giving a slow nod of his head, Jesse reached awkwardly back towards the coffee table. It might pay off to tumble off the couch if it got her to laugh even for a second, but he doubted it would work. The moods of Sydney Clarke were fairly familiar to him now. Which was a nice thought he'd have to revisit sometime when he wasn't feeling crummy for her.
He got a hand on the vodka bottle and yanked it out without dumping the whole bag.
"Got this from that little shop with the gnome? Said it's magicked up to kick a fella in the teeth so hopefully it'll do the trick." He couldn't open it with one arm under her, so he just tucked it between their bodies. "But if it don't, well, mad's okay too. We can just sit here and wallow in it. Or watch some angry movies - don't ask me what those are, we'll figure it out." He pressed a few small kisses to her cheek and then one on her lips. "Whatever ya need, alright?"
Jostled around as he moved, Syd scrunched her face up and it gave her something to focus on other than angry thoughts - maybe that was exactly what she needed. Dumb shit to focus her anger at. Alcohol, movies, friends. Jesse, always Jesse.
“Alright,” She couldn’t help that she sounded exhausted, like the wind was out of her sails now, and sadness was creeping up over the edge of anger again. He was right, they’d figure it out.
“My vote is going to go to turning horror movies into drinking games,” She was already reaching between them to unscrew the lid on the vodka, for a head start. “Taking a shot everytime some dumb fuck runs upstairs instead of outside is a surefire way to improve my mood.”
Or give her alcohol poisoning.
Jesse flashed a soft smile at her and reached for the remote near their heads. They’d probably shift to sit up at some point, but he wasn’t in any rush to move her. He made himself look at the tv, awkward as peering over his own shoulder was.
“Salutin’ the demise of dumb fucks it is. Pretty sure that’s a bonafide date.”