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Eighth Doctor [AU] ([info]on_comingstorm) wrote in [info]utr_logs,
@ 2008-08-21 20:28:00

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Entry tags:eighth doctor (au), sarah jane smith

Who: Eight and Sarah Jane
Where: St. Agnes Cemetery, London
When: Thursday evening
Why: Remembering an old friend
Rating: TBD

The Doctor hadn't even known about this.  Then again, he hadn't actually checked up on Harry or Sarah Jane since their departures from each other's presence years ago.  But Sarah had asked him to take her there, and he had noticed she'd been acting strangely all day.  He thought it'd just been because of what had transpired recently between them but the two of them had kind of just let that go for now.

In the main room, he'd turned dials and flipped switches, sending the TARDIS on its way towards their destination as she'd requested, and so he'd settled back in his chair just until they'd landed.


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[info]dontcallmesj
2008-08-21 08:05 pm UTC (link)
She wasn't expecting him to do anything for her. To be honest she didn't know what he could do really. She was used to being alone and dealing with her grief in her own way. Still when he came over to her, she was still and didn't shy away from him like last time when he reached out to touch her.

"Sorry," she mumbled, brushing her hand over the other side of her face. "You must be tired of me crying all the time. I know I am.." it seemed like lately she'd just been full of tears, thankfully none were his doing. Not really.

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[info]on_comingstorm
2008-08-21 08:25 pm UTC (link)
"Only because it pains me to see you like this. I wish I could do something to reverse it or change how you feel, Sarah." Which if he hadn't dumped her, her life might be much different. Or she could be dead as well. It was hard to tell.

"Don't be sorry. If you want to cry, then cry." And his hand found its way into hers somehow. "I'm not the one to tell someone one way or another about their emotions. You know just as well as anyone that I'm not a good source of advice on that matter given how I am still bitter over Gallifrey."

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[info]dontcallmesj
2008-08-21 08:42 pm UTC (link)
She let out a little sigh and nodded her head slightly, "It's all right, that's just how life is, Doctor. We can't go back and change things, even I know that.." no matter how much she wished she could. But there were some things she didn't want to change even if that meant having to deal with days like these.

Taking a hold of his hand, she gave it a small squeeze though she couldn't bring herself to smile. "I suppose so, but I'm sure it's still annoying if it is to me." She paused, "I still think you should talk to the TARDIS about it sometime. I'm sure she could help."

She rubbed at her face slightly, "I'm not sure I can do this."

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[info]on_comingstorm
2008-08-21 08:54 pm UTC (link)
He wasn't sure the TARDIS could fix how he felt about massacring all of his people in one fell swoop. His world may be here in this place, but elsewhere, they were all dead. It didn't change what happened, what he'd done and had to live with. Why should he forgive himself for it?

"Yes, you can," he replied as he gave her hand a firm squeeze. "I'll be right beside you all the way. No turning back. You've got me and I've got you." And he smiled warmly at her as the TARDIS opened her doors for them. Out beyond them, they had landed at the cemetery gates since he had no idea where this plot was.

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[info]dontcallmesj
2008-08-21 09:11 pm UTC (link)
Maybe she couldn't, but the TARDIS had an odd way of putting people at ease about a lot of bad things. And Sarah thought he needed to at least try and forgive himself as she needed to forgive things that she'd done but that wasn't as easy as she said it was.

Letting out another breath, she nodded. "Okay.." she relented and then turned around to head out of the TARDIS and into the light of day. She squinted some, wishing they could have done this at night but well who did that? She started the way over to where Harry's plot was. "He's... not actually in there. At least he's not in the world I come from.. its just.. formality.." she explained as they walked.

When they got there, she came to stop in front of them. The tombstone said Harold Sullivan, 1944-2005. Right next to that was a tombstone for William Sullivan, 1960-2006. That seemed to make her even more uncomfortable then even Harry's. She frowned and sighed.

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[info]on_comingstorm
2008-08-21 09:25 pm UTC (link)
The Doctor nodded as they walked, his own eyes squinting at the sun just a little. He was never one for funerals or things like this. He didn't like to be reminded of how short everyone's lives were but his own.

Harry and his brother side by side. He hoped that the grave was still empty for Harry, even though in this place it was highly likely that it wasn't. He had a strange urge to hug the younger version here and tell him he was sorry for letting him die. Letting his arm slip around her waist, he pulled her closer to him as he stood solemnly to look at the twin graves, sighing. He glanced out of the corner of his eye at Sarah. "Are you alright?"

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[info]dontcallmesj
2008-08-21 09:47 pm UTC (link)
It was a huge glaring reminder, both of them. Like they were staring at her, condemning her. She shook her head and squeezed down on her arm with her fingernails so that she wouldn't cry. "No.. I'm not.." she said quietly. "Josh is ... down on the other side. This world is horribly cruel. They should just .. line them all up. Harry, Will, Josh, Claudia, my parents, Aunt Lavinia.."

Yeah she didn't deal with this any better then he did. But this wasn't the time to feel sorry for herself, she was there to remember Harry. "Should have brought flowers or something.." she didn't quite know what to do. "I shouldn't have come.. what's the point?"

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[info]on_comingstorm
2008-08-21 09:59 pm UTC (link)
He'd never met Josh before or any of the others she had named in her long line of grief, but he knew how she felt just the same. He had his own list of ones he'd lost since Sarah Jane had traveled with him, and probably cruelly, fate had stuck their final resting places here too just to haunt him. But he wasn't about to go looking for them.

"We can bring flowers another time. It's enough we've come. The point is to show their lives meant something to us, still mean something even after all of this time. It wasn't a useless thing to do, Sarah." He held on to her tightly because he could see she was teetering on that brink of losing her hold on herself.

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[info]dontcallmesj
2008-08-21 10:16 pm UTC (link)
It was nice that he was trying to make her feel better and she wasn't exactly being nice about it. He probably wondered where the nice young girl had gone and what had made her such a horrible bitch, but that was something that was probably going to remain silent between them (until they started to fight again at least).

"Guess you're right.." she mumbled. He was holding onto her and she didn't know what to do. "I'm so tired of being upset all the time.." she wiped away at tears. "I'm sorry they're gone, I just don't know why I can't be happy. Why I'm always alone."

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[info]on_comingstorm
2008-08-21 10:29 pm UTC (link)
He didn't have to wonder about those things. He knew what had done it: life and circumstances. Just like him. They were both byproducts of their lives, and neither would admit how much they were alike. Maybe that's why they'd stuck together this long. The last few days had seemed bittersweet with her being in the ship with him. As much as she'd tried pushing, he stuck close to her regardless of her reasoning that they were inevitably going to fight. He'd been rather quiet, actually.

He took the time to pull out a handkerchief and dotted at her cheeks to dry them, then gave it to her to hold. "There might not be an actual explanation for it. It's just...our lives. We can't be happy when all we're surrounded with is death. How could anyone be happy with that?" Then he hugged her. "You've got me."

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[info]dontcallmesj
2008-08-21 10:37 pm UTC (link)
In all actuality, she was rather glad that he'd been around and that he'd been quiet. Living with everyone else was quite loud and though she loved them all it was hard to get a moment to herself. Being alone with him at least gave her room to breathe, even if he came to check on her to make sure that she was all right.

She took the handkerchief from him and gave a small smile. "Yeah.. no one can be happy with that.." though it seemed like the rest of them were significantly more happy then the two of them. Her arms wrapped around him and she hugged him back, "I know even though that's not what.. I mean I know I'm your friend. That's it.."

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[info]on_comingstorm
2008-08-21 10:58 pm UTC (link)
That's probably because they never let their pasts go whereas the rest could ignore all the bad things that ever happened to them and move on. They were perpetually stuck.

"Do you want to be more?" he asked without really thinking about the words or what kind of consequence was about to be incurred for posing that question right now. It wasn't that he didn't care about her, which his current actions of late proved otherwise, and he was still trying to dampen down the Rose thing in his mind.

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[info]dontcallmesj
2008-08-21 11:15 pm UTC (link)
Sarah blinked a bit and turned to look up at him since she still had her arms around him, "What?" she asked a little bewildered. Really she hadn't thought he'd ask her something like that. That was not only a loaded question, but one that was surely a baited one. She bit on her bottom lip in confusion.

"Are you asking me if I want to sleep with you on a regular basis?" she finally asked because really, sure they were more then friends in some respect. Just friends didn't have sex with each other did they?

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[info]on_comingstorm
2008-08-21 11:33 pm UTC (link)
Even he wasn't sure what exactly he was asking. Maybe? He didn't know. "I don't know. Is that what you want?" Because really, when was the last time anyone asked her what she wanted? The Doctor did love her in his own way. In love? There could be a possibility, but who knew when it came to him. He wasn't trying to bait her into anything. He only wanted and honest and true answer from her.

"What do you, Sarah Jane, want from me?" he asked, making a motion between them with his hand.

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[info]dontcallmesj
2008-08-21 11:44 pm UTC (link)
Her mouth opened and closed a bunch of times, and her nose scrunched up as well as her eyebrows. How had he turned this around on her? All she had said was that she was alone, that was it. But she didn't like this whole being turned around thing on herself. "I don't know..." she said briskly, turning away from him.

That meant staring down at the graves again, "This is not the place to be talking about.. that." but it was too late. It was like they were mocking her now and it just felt wrong. "I was right, I shouldn't be here.." and then she stalked off back towards the TARDIS.

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[info]on_comingstorm
2008-08-21 11:55 pm UTC (link)
And here it goes. They'd gone for too long without fighting for it to not fall apart. Before he got the chance to say anything, she'd taken off for the TARDIS and left him there to look down at Harry and Will. Gravestones didn't bother him or seem to mock the life he lead. "Sorry Harry. I promise we'll come back again and do this properly. I'll even call her old girl once for you." The Doctor took the time to revere his friend by saluting him, then walked back to the TARDIS himself.

"Sarah? Let's not...get on a wrong foot now. We've been doing so well." He wasn't sure how he'd find her when he finally stepped back inside, shutting the door behind him.

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[info]dontcallmesj
2008-08-22 12:13 am UTC (link)
"I don't want to fight either, Doctor.. I just.. I really don't know what to say." and that was the honest to god's truth. "How do I know if I feel anything at all, or if it's just because I don't want to feel so alone anymore? You're the only one that's paid me a bit of attention and though most of it's us fighting.." she trailed off.

Really she wasn't mad at him, she was just confused about herself and whatever it was that they were doing. She rubbed her lips together and sighed, "Do you think we'll feel any better if we start sleeping together? Part of me thinks so.. but I might just be naive."

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[info]on_comingstorm
2008-08-22 12:24 am UTC (link)
"You can start by examining how you felt before...when we succumbed. Don't think about the anger or all that other afterward when you proclaimed it was such a mistake. How did you really feel?" But then he grumbled a little. "We're not always fighting." And she was the one starting them more than him. He was fairly content to keep quiet.

"It would probably relieve much of the tension and ease the loneliness." He knew it did that much. Sleeping with Rose had done that much, even if he felt worse after when she was gone. He was practically offering himself up to her, and that wasn't something he did.

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[info]dontcallmesj
2008-08-22 12:45 am UTC (link)
Sarah still didn't get why she was the one that had to examine her feelings. Except she'd admitted she didn't want to be alone and he hadn't said a word. She crossed her arms in front of her chest almost in protest and shrugged her shoulders dismissively again. "It felt... better. I mean I like it, obviously.. is that enough though?"

She finally looked back up at him, almost hopefully but trying not to make it seem like she was. "Is that what you want? If it's what we both want.." she trailed off. Neither of them seemed to want to admit it. "We're both scared of being hurt, I know that.. I wouldn't hurt you."

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[info]on_comingstorm
2008-08-22 12:59 am UTC (link)
Since when had the Doctor been one to discuss his feelings? Hadn't he always been the one to pick apart a situation to the barest bones until he heard what he'd wanted to know? "Of course you liked it. But will there eventually come a point when that won't be enough?" He didn't know the answer to that. Sarah Jane wasn't in love with him and he wasn't in love with her. Yet.

"I am probably bound to hurt you, though. I do not have the most amazing track record. We're both stubborn and in pain and we fight but...we work well together and know how to handle each other. It's a strange relationship we have."

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[info]dontcallmesj
2008-08-22 01:08 am UTC (link)
Yeah well she didn't discuss her feelings either. She gave him a Look. Of course she liked it? Yeah those were fighting words, but she kept her mouth brazingly shut. "I'm not nineteen anymore, Doctor. I'm not going to have some stupid crush on you. You always just put yourself up on that pedestal because it couldn't possibly be the other way around right?" this time though she rolled her eyes.

Well that seemed to settle that, "Yes that's right you're amazing and I'm going to fall helplessly for you and then you'll be off again like always and crush my poor broken heart, right?" So much for not fighting. "Just forget it. I'm not looking for anymore pain.." half of that was said in jest but there was a bit of truth.

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[info]on_comingstorm
2008-08-22 01:17 am UTC (link)
"Off where? This place just brings me right back. It's not as though I can stay gone forever, now is it? You just said you wouldn't hurt me. I'm more worried about me doing more damage to you than you already have experienced. Whether you want to believe it or not, I am trying to be a little selfless here." And regardless of whether she wanted to act like this, they always ended up needing him in ways he never was good for. Especially emotionally. Maybe all she needed was something physical, and maybe he did, too.

"You don't have to be practically a child to feel like that. Adults are perfectly capable of feeling that way." Then he got this frustrated, twisted look on his face. "Why do you have to be so difficult?" and threw his hands in the air.

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[info]dontcallmesj
2008-08-22 01:29 am UTC (link)
"Everyone's dead, Doctor. Every man I have ever cared about is dead. Dead. What more damage could you possibly do? I can't get rid of you. If you die, you'll just turn into the next one with the big ears and I'm still stuck with you." She almost asked what was worse then that but quickly shut her mouth. She was being entirely difficult, she knew it. But that wasn't going to stop her.

Running a hand through her hair, she unfolded her arms, "I know how adults are capable of feeling, thank you. I will not and can not ever feel that way about you. Happy? Is that what you want me to say? Fine."

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[info]on_comingstorm
2008-08-22 01:37 am UTC (link)
"Why the hell do you hate me so much? Alright, I did leave you behind, but that was over twenty years ago and you're still bitter over it? Is that it? I'm sorry. There. How many times do I have to apologize for it?" He honestly was at a loss of why she held such animosity towards him.

"When you stop lying to me, then maybe we could actually figure something out."

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[info]dontcallmesj
2008-08-22 01:49 am UTC (link)
Good lord, he was one of the smartest people she knew but he could be so bloody dense sometimes. "I don't hate you, you pushed me into this stupid corner with all of this.. asking about my feelings and how I'm going to get hurt because everything with you is just one sided. Why would I possibly want to say anything about my feelings if you're just going to remain as tight lipped as you always are?"

She was more or less just grumbling instead of yelling. "There's nothing to figure out. You said it yourself. You are going to hurt me if and when I have feelings for you, and I do not want that. I think that's the end of us figuring something out."

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(no subject) - [info]on_comingstorm, 2008-08-22 01:58 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]dontcallmesj, 2008-08-22 02:11 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]on_comingstorm, 2008-08-22 02:19 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]dontcallmesj, 2008-08-22 02:33 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]on_comingstorm, 2008-08-22 02:40 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]dontcallmesj, 2008-08-22 02:18 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]on_comingstorm, 2008-08-22 04:09 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]dontcallmesj, 2008-08-22 04:23 pm UTC

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