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Jacen Solo actually won the Ultimate Showdown (jeditraitor) wrote in timestreamic,
@ 2016-09-26 11:22:00

Entry tags:

jacen solo, kylo ren / ben solo

Filter - Kylo Ren
I expect you understand how my siblings will react to that shared dream.

I can hardly blame you without being a hypocrite but you didn't want to do it anymore than I wanted to hurt Anakin. Or it seems my Aunt in Ben's timeline.

Still, just be ready for it.

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	behindthemask 2016-09-26 09:10 am UTC (link)
	I am ready for very little this infernal place seems fit to throw in my face. I'm sure it will make no difference to them that it feels like something that happened a lifetime ago. ~~it didn't~~ ~~At least mother wasn't here to see it~~ (Reply to this) (Thread)

	jeditraitor 2016-09-26 09:47 am UTC (link)
	Probably not. Did you feel different after? Powerful? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	behindthemask 2016-09-26 10:08 am UTC (link)
	I was supposed to. The scavenger beat me in a lightsaber duel after. She shouldn't have been able to. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	jeditraitor 2016-09-26 10:54 am UTC (link)
	Yes you were. The sacrifice. Why do you think she won? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	behindthemask 2016-09-26 01:43 pm UTC (link)
	Well, I'm guessing fighting with a bowcaster injury to the side didn't help. It felt off. Everything felt off. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	jeditraitor 2016-09-26 02:20 pm UTC (link)
	Chewie? I keep forgetting he's alive in your universe. How do you mean, off? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	behindthemask 2016-09-26 03:40 pm UTC (link)
	Still kicking, and firing bowcasters. You know what it feels like when everything falls together, and you feel like you're not trying to swim against a current? It didn't feel like that. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	jeditraitor 2016-09-26 05:52 pm UTC (link)
	We'll its hardly surprising he did. I do know how that feels. And so do you. The sacrifice is meant to do that too. Its what Lumiya said but then it seemed she'd been lying to me for a very long time. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	behindthemask 2016-09-26 06:04 pm UTC (link)
	It's very obviously that he would. Does any of it make more sense to you now than it did before? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	jeditraitor 2016-09-26 06:11 pm UTC (link)
	You did kill his best friend. What part? The path I was on to the Sith or the rest of it. I have a different outlook to most people, I've had that over a decade and it's not likely to change (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

behindthemask
2016-09-26 06:14 pm UTC (link)

~~I though~~ I couldn't make another choice.

Any of it. I mean, I know you have a different outlook, because of everything. I feel as if my head has started swimming since I got here and it hasn't settled. The Republic was impotent, and my parents and Uncle had lied to me about everything important, so I couldn't trust them. But here I'm not certain I can trust Snoke either. And he isn't here, anyway.

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jeditraitor
2016-09-26 06:18 pm UTC (link)

I understand. I could have done it, nearly did. And not even as a sacrifice. Could have killed Mom, Dad, Jaina and Ben at one time. Because I didn't care enough to ensure their safety. Choice gets lost along the way.

I didn't exactly aid that for you. But for me the Embrace brought a clarity I cling to now, Lumiya, her tricks, the path of the Sith, even Vergere in some ways was all manipulation. But that purity, the white. It's still there.

I don't think you can trust Snoke anymore than I could Lumiya. Or our Grandfather could trust Palpatine. Trust yourself first and then think about who else you can trust. Even if its one or two it doesn't matter.

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behindthemask
2016-09-26 06:33 pm UTC (link)

If the base had fired, my mother would have been killed along with the rest of the Resistance I'm sure. I can't imagine she wasn't there on the base with the rest of them. None of them understanding that chaos can't actually bring the galaxy anything good - it just tilts it all off balance.

Maybe not, but I don't know that you've specifically made it any worse. The white is still there, but you can't do anything with it, can you? There's no self in that. It's just blankness. If the only time I have any certainty is when things are blank - what does that say?

Do you trust the Force? Insight? Instinct? Do you put any stock on any of that anymore?

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jeditraitor
2016-09-26 07:14 pm UTC (link)

You're right it does. And I tried to bring order to that chaos but lost myself along the way. Tried a path I should have known not to walk. We should know better, you and I, and yet you emulate him and I thought I could better him. Walk his path without his failings.

It's calming. I mean, its the fact that there is no self. Thinking back to it, I wish I still had it. The clarity it could give me. It was easier then. Don't you think?

No. Not the Force. I suppose I trust insight in some ways, or I will when things calm down for me. I haven't relied purely on instinct for...well, probably never. I've always reasoned things through.

Instinct, I supposed I saved for dealing with animals.

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behindthemask
2016-09-26 07:18 pm UTC (link)

I thought his attachments were his weakness. If I had no attachments I wouldn't share those weaknesses. The government it seemed he was trying to create felt better than the one we had - more stable, or at least, safer. I could keep the strength without any of the weakness, but maybe that's not possible. Maybe it shouldn't be - I don't know.

Easier, yes, but there's nothing... it's not what I want for always. Maybe I'm too selfish to give into it so easily. Maybe I don't care if that's the case.

I don't trust my instinct. I used to, I think. But I don't know how to get that back anymore.

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	jeditraitor 2016-09-26 08:00 pm UTC (link)
	Then I shared them. That's the thing. I had someone I loved. I kept her with me as I fell and I thought she'd be by my side forever. But like Padme, Tenel Ka didn't understand. Maybe it's just a weakness in our genetics. What do you trust? That's the first step. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	behindthemask 2016-09-26 08:13 pm UTC (link)
	We seem to be attracted to people who don't understand maybe. Han Solo never seemed to get mother, and vice versa. Maybe it was different for you. I figured that I would stay alone. But... I don't know. I'm not sure. Not Snoke. Not anymore. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	jeditraitor 2016-09-26 08:27 pm UTC (link)
	She understood once. I suppose by the end I was unrecognisable. Good. You shouldn't. I want you to make up your own mind. Because manipulated or not, Lumiya never forced me down a path. Neither did Vergere. My choices were mine and I want yours to be. He's been using you, twisting you for a very long time hasn't he? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	behindthemask 2016-09-27 01:22 pm UTC (link)
	You were challenging. Or maybe I was just frustrated with you. I'm not certain which, and I don't know if it matters which. He's been in my head for a while, yeah. I thought he cared at least when nobody else seemed to do so. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	jeditraitor 2016-09-27 08:00 pm UTC (link)
	I'm sure I was frustrating. But you did learn something didn't you? You'll learn, or you should learn, that people lie. I lied, I lied a lot, to get you there, to guide you to where you needed to be. Snoke seems like he only cared for power. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	behindthemask 2016-09-28 02:10 pm UTC (link)
	It made me think about some things differently. I lie, why should I expect others to be truthful? Snoke said that he wanted the galaxy to be stronger again. He thought that I could do that. But it may have been for him. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

jeditraitor
2016-09-28 03:36 pm UTC (link)

Good. It's half the idea.

...Oh you shouldn't. Trust isn't easily won. We lie to each other a great deal. Lies and truth aren't so different when you look at the world a certain way.

Stronger. I hardly believe that. You're strong, as I am, as Jaina and Anain and Ben are, scions of a great power. But you were manipulated. And it weakened the whole. That's what I see. You''ll never have true power under the thumb of any person or any particular dogma.

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behindthemask
2016-09-28 05:03 pm UTC (link)

The galaxy needs strength. It was no better off than yours.

People think they want to do their own thing, but when crime comes to their system then they whine to the Republic. The Republic was impotent and could do nothing because everyone was so afraid of it becoming another Empire. Anyone in the First Order could see that, and could see that the strength we might offer would be better.

But that isn't entirely related to me. It's just a piece of it. I claim no dogma. I'm not a Jedi, or a Sith. I don't know what I am here in particular. There's no form to hold to.

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	jeditraitor 2016-09-28 05:44 pm UTC (link)
	Strength can be gained in other ways. You were lied to. Oh the Republic was a futile exercise. It seems in both worlds. Strength yes, but there do need to be limits. The Sith, it's...it's not a path worth walking. What do you want to be? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	behindthemask 2016-09-28 06:35 pm UTC (link)
	The galaxy tries to move towards chaos. If there's no one to stop it, then it just slides there and everyone is hurt. I don't want to be a Jedi, or a Sith. I wanted to be like grandfather, but without either of those things hanging over me. I feel as if I've failed there. I'm not like everyone else though. I could never do 'normal' even if I wanted it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	jeditraitor 2016-09-30 03:18 am UTC (link)
	I tried. I just went too far. Look, you don't need to be either. Not Jedi, not Sith. Just...just you. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	behindthemask 2016-10-02 02:48 pm UTC (link)
	What if I'm not certain what that is? Who I am? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	jeditraitor 2016-10-02 03:13 pm UTC (link)
	Then take this time, the time you're here. I don't think you wake up one day and know who you are. It's a constant work in progress. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	behindthemask 2016-10-02 03:20 pm UTC (link)
	It's not like there's much else to do. ~~Do you ever feel like you're stumbling around in the dark or is that just me~~ (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	jeditraitor 2016-10-02 04:06 pm UTC (link)
	I think it might do us both good (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	behindthemask 2016-10-02 07:09 pm UTC (link)
	Do you know? Who you are, I mean? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	jeditraitor 2016-10-02 07:13 pm UTC (link)
	I know who I'm not. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	behindthemask 2016-10-02 07:17 pm UTC (link)
	Yeah. I guess I've got a start on that one myself. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	jeditraitor 2016-10-02 07:38 pm UTC (link)
	Maybe. Or maybe you haven't quite worked that out. You thought you had but, its different, everything's different. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	behindthemask 2016-10-02 07:44 pm UTC (link)
	I'm not a Jedi. I'm not a politician like mother. What Snoke gave me seems false. That's a part of it. It angers me when I see people trying to ascribe limits on people. I don't know if that's something that's important or not. I'm very good at pulling information from people's heads usually. Probably not particularly helpful in the long-run. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	jeditraitor 2016-10-02 07:57 pm UTC (link)
	I've been both. A Jedi and a politician. I've been a God. I've been a gardener. I've been a slave. Funny thing about the past. It informs but it doesn't have to be everything. Who are you? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

behindthemask
2016-10-02 08:08 pm UTC (link)

I wanted to fix the galaxy for a while. I thought I could maybe. Grandfather didn't, but I could do what he didn't. Sitting from right here it feels foolish.

When I was a boy I remember a trip, diplomatic trip, my mother went on. I don't remember what Han Solo was doing, but he wasn't there. Neither was Luke. It was just me, and mother, and some of her advisers. We were staying in this resort, large, ridiculously opulent and over the top. They took the idea of the Republic at its word and figured out every way they could to present the excess of it once more. It was absurd.

But there was so ground there, and it was all very secure, and I was able to wander for the first time, maybe ever that I remember. I remember laying on the ground in the middle of a grove of trees just feeling all of it. Lifting things, and nobody telling me that I shouldn't. No fear from my mother of what I become. No limitations from Luke, or lack of understanding from Han.

Just, me, the force, and the feeling that I could do anything or be anything and connect so deeply to everything, all of it.

I don't know if I've ever felt that sense without some... insecurity that I am doing it all wrong.

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