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withsecrets ([info]withsecrets) wrote in [info]thereincarnates,
@ 2011-05-21 13:39:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:benjamin macmahon, cassie macmahon

Who: Ben and Cassie MacMahon
What: Cassie tries to give her older brother a surprise visit, but she ends up with a surprise of her own...
Where: Ben's apartment in Los Angeles, California
When: Saturday night, May 20th, 2011.
Warnings: Violence, mentions of death, swearing



For the past ten years, Ben had been plagued with violent nightmares about his reincarnation's life, and tonight was to be no exception.

In his dreams, he was back in the arena, running as fast as his feet would carry him away from the jabberjay's that were imitating Annie's voice - Annie's screams of pain - because he couldn't bare to hear it and know All my fault, it's all my fault, she's in pain and it's all my fault. But no matter how fast he ran, he couldn't reach the beach at the end of the jungle that he had hoped would offer him sanctuary from the birds. Instead it transformed to a sewer system, and jabberjays became huge, white, rose-scented, lizard muttations that were intent on ripping flesh from bone and devouring his body. He could still hear Annie screaming all around him, and the screams of the people who had been caught by the muttations, and the gurgling screams and muffled sobs of the people he'd killed.

Pipes and dark water became trees and dirt again, but this wasn't a damp jungle. It was the arena, and he was fourteen years old and hunting. A fisher of children. It had been so easy, almost too easy, to entangle them in vine nets and plunge the blade of a weapon into their bodies. He needed to win so that he could get back to his family, so that the Capitol would feed the people of his District and everyone could be healthy and strong, so that he could live. He was closing in on another one of the tributes, weapon in hand, going in for the kill-

Sounds snapped Ben from his dream so quickly his mind was left reeling, still caught up in the dream. There was no distinction between Ben and Finnick - Finnick's life was his life, and therefore so were the dangers that accompanied it. His heart was beating a bruise against his chest as adrenaline was pumped through his body. Between fight or flight, he would always choose fight. Someone was here, someone was here to kill him. It wasn't even instinct anymore - it was a move as natural as breathing as he reached out from his hammock and wrapped his fingers around the cool metal of the trident Beetee had given to him. If someone thought they could sneak up on and kill a man who had been trained from childhood to be a mass killer and had won the Hunger Games against twenty-three other children when he had only been fourteen, they were in for a nasty surprise.

Slipping silently from his bed, Ben crept down the hall and into the room he'd heard noises coming from. He shifted his grip on his weapon as he went, making sure that every step he took would keep his body in the right position to throw the spear with a deadly accuracy that few could dodge or defend against. Ben took no joy in killing, but he wouldn't even hesitate about doing it either. And if someone was after him, he'd kill them. The light had been turned on and it spilled through the corridor, and a small part of Ben wondered how arrogant this son of a bitch had to be to turn on the light if they were trying to assassinate him. It was hardly subtle. Still, it gave Ben the advantage of being able to see his target.

As he peaked around the corner, he was surprised to see that the person in the room was not a man, but a woman. Not that it mattered, really. Either way, they'd be dead in a matter of moments, and he would be safe again. Dying wasn't an option; not now, not ever. Annie needed him. Even now, walking around his own home and seeing everything that belonged to his life in the real world, every thought belonged to Finnick's life in Panem.

Taking a deep breath through his nose, Ben stepped out into the light and sent the trident flying with a speed and grace that almost seemed unnatural, aiming it straight for the woman in what he hoped would be a killing blow.


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[info]withsecrets
2011-05-23 04:12 am UTC (link)
Ben eyed the gun with a certain amount of trepidation, but how could he begrudge her for wanting to have it? He physically recoiled when he heard her voice, stopping in the middle of the room. What he wouldn't give to have taken back the past few minutes of his life so that this whole event never happened. Normally he didn't mind Finnick so much, but right now he hated him because of the nightmares he'd instilled in Ben. The PTSD that affected him even in his waking hours.

"No. It's not fine," Ben said firmly. He'd just tried to strangle her, she was bleeding, and she probably needed to go to the hospital. But if he knew his sister, getting her to the hospital would be nearly impossible, so he settled for a lower goal. "If you don't get that cleaned up, it could get infected." Infection in the arena meant- He shook his head, like that would shake off the memories that were still trying to cling to his waking mind. Not real. It wasn't real. This wasn't the arena, and she could actually get antibiotics easily. Still, he'd rather it didn't have to come to that. "I get it, you don't want me near you. Okay." He knelt on the floor and slid the first aid kit to her, and then edged away from her some more. "Just don't leave it alone."

For a long minute, Ben doesn't say anything. Instead he just stares at Cassie, trying to swallow past the dry lump in his throat and digging his nails into his palms. "I'm so sorry, Cassie. I woke up and I heard someone out here, and I thought that..." You were an assassin. That you were here to kill me. That you were an enemy. No way in hell was he going to say that to Cassie. She didn't need to know. "I'm sorry. That never should have happened. I usually keep the door locked, but I guess I forgot, since you came in and..." Kneading his knuckles into his eyesockets, he sighed. He'd made a lot of messes in his life, but none were this big before. What was he supposed to do? "I'm sorry." He didn't know what else to say.

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[info]lostmyshoe
2011-05-23 04:27 am UTC (link)
There wasn't any way she was going to be able to dress the room and keep a grip on the gun at the same time, not if she wanted to dress it properly. The idea of putting it down made her nervous; while it was still Ben, just as she had convinced herself a few moments prior, it didn't take away the fact that he had just tried to strangle her. She felt the gun shake in her hand as she chanced a look at her bleeding arm, and a second later it clattered to the floor. Her arm needed to take top priority; she just had to hope she wouldn't need the gun any time soon.

"It's rock salt," She croaked out, as if it was something he needed to know. "It wouldn't kill you, I just needed..." She trailed off into silence and busied herself with the first-aid kit. Cleaning the wound was relatively easy. She could do it one-handed, a few swipes--or more--with a couple of alcohol pads and gritted teeth to deal with the stinging. Dressing it with gauze was going to be harder. It required two hands, and the wound was awkwardly placed so that she couldn't use both. After fumbling with it a couple of times she paused. She couldn't do this. Not even with Sam's expertise as he tried to talk her through what she'd never had to do before.

"It's fine," She said again, holding out the gauze to him as a peace offering. She needed his help, and she needed him to not be so far back. Not after all of that. She didn't want their reunion after six years to be marred with nothing but near-killings and hatred. "I broke in." She whispered, leaning her head back against the wall and closing her eyes. If she could, she would've just gone to sleep right then. She was already exhausted. "Sam taught me how to pick a lock."

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[info]withsecrets
2011-05-23 05:47 am UTC (link)
Rocksalt. Of course. Ben could have kicked himself. She was the reincarnation of Sam Winchester, which meant she'd be carrying weapons meant for dealing with demons and ghosts and spirits. He knew a little about the show from the few episodes he caught back when he used to have a TV. Then he broke it in the middle of the night because he didn't want to see Capitol propaganda shit, and hadn't bothered to buy a new one.

Ben didn't hesitate when she offered the gauze. With just a few steps he crossed the room and crouched next to her, still keeping a decent amount of distance between them as he began to wrap her wound. His fingers faltered as soon as she said that. "You broke into my house?" His gaze and expression were incredulous, as well as being streaked with anger and worry. "Cassie, do you have any idea how dangerous that is?!"

Stupid question, but he couldn't help that it'd burst out. Considering he'd almost killed her, yeah, she probably knew now how stupid that way. He had to bite down on the inside of his cheek to keep from yelling at her while he finished patching her up. If he started yelling at her now, he'd just end up spilling everything he'd worked so hard to keep a secret. He set the gauze down and examined her neck, but didn't touch it. That was definitely going to bruise. "You need to promise me that you'll never come into a place I'm staying without knocking first."

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[info]lostmyshoe
2011-05-23 06:01 am UTC (link)
"Yeah," Cassie answered his question without reservation. She'd broken into his house. It wasn't the first, or even the last one she would break into, either. It came with being a hunter, and it was one of the first of simple skills Sam was sure to teach her. It came into handy often, especially when she forgot her key. Here it was just so she could calm her nerves before seeing Ben. A stupid reason, but it was her reason, and now she more than regretted it. A bloody hand to her neck to feel the tender skin there was more than enough reminder as to why it was a stupid idea. And when he asked his second question she looked at him incredulously. "No. I have no clue. Please, Ben. Fill me in."

She went silent again, looking away from him as he went back to patching up her arm. She cringed a few times, but otherwise she did a good job at keeping straight-faced, something normal girls never should have been able to do. After getting cut open by Alastair, injuries like this seemed so small. She could let her eyes roam around now to take in his place; aside from the few broken things scattered here and there, it didn't look too exotic. The only thing that really surprised her was the line of pictures. Of her. Of Jacob. Of mom and dad. She was surprised by it.

"Fine. I'll knock from now on." She muttered, then pointed at the pictures. "You...have pictures of us." She looked at him again, and felt instantly stupid for saying the thought out loud. She just hadn't expected it, not when he'd left so easily. In her mind she had assumed he'd wanted to leave the family behind. And with that, she brought herself up to her knees shakily, and promptly wrapped her arms around his chest to hug him tightly.

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[info]withsecrets
2011-05-23 06:31 am UTC (link)
Ben only frowned at her sarcastic response to his query. "Sorry," he muttered. "Dumb question." He didn't elaborate on why it was that he'd acted the way he had, even though he knew she probably deserved the explanation. He just couldn't do it.

"Thank you." He blinked in surprise and glanced over his shoulder at the pictures on the wall that she was referring to. They were some of the few personal possessions he had, and they were also some of his favorites. They were old photos, but Ben didn't care. He jumped a little in surprise when she hugged him, turning his head to face her again. Gently, he returned the embrace.

"Of course I have pictures of you guys, Cass." He ran his fingers through her hair in what he hoped was a soothing motion. "You're my family." It took him a few moments before he realized what she must have thought of him. He sighed a little. Maybe it would be easier if she did believe that. "And I never left because I didn't like you guys or whatever. You're my family, and I love you guys. I just... Had to go." For a second his expression twisted into a pained frown, but he quickly shook it off and pulled away a little so he could see her face. "Hey. How about I get you a glass of water or something, and you can tell me about what's been going on with you? My baby sister, learning to break and enter into people's houses. That's gotta be one hell of a story. Seem pretty practice at it, and all." He kept his tone light and teasing, hoping she'd accept the subject change so that they wouldn't have to talk about why he 'had' to go.

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[info]lostmyshoe
2011-05-23 07:06 am UTC (link)
It was weird to try and think of when the last time she had been properly hugged was. She assumed she'd gotten some from her mom the few times she went home after she got Sam, but it was hard to think about her normal life. It was all overshadowed by the demons and hunting, a life separate from school and family. There was affection from Remy, but even that was less and less towards the end of their short relationship. It was hard to keep dating a guy when you were there for the death of his brother.

The hug with Ben was different. She clung to it. He was her connection to her life before Sam that she could actually hold onto through her new life. In some ways, Ben knew what it was like to be a reincarnate, so it was less dangerous to be in contact with him than it was to go home. And for a second she could be thirteen, crying to her big brother about the jerks at school. Not nineteen and nursing wounds, with the battle scars on her psyche from losing so many people in such a short time.

She reluctantly allowed him to pull back. It was stupid to get too attached, even if she wanted to. Things happened. Sam's life had a tendency to seep over and destroy those he loved. She couldn't get used to just having Ben there without any consequences--without any more consequences, as the throbbing in her arm reminded her. She wouldn't be able to share everything with him the way she used to.

"It's not really an exciting story." She offered carefully. She couldn't tell him of the times she'd practiced while looking for spirits, or how she'd learned to work a gun from Justin and Shane. She couldn't tell him how Azazel had killed Miri, or how Alastair had kidnapped her. There was a lot of things she couldn't tell Ben, and she had to be incredibly careful to avoid those questions. The best way to do that was to avoid all of them all together. "Sam just...taught me."

Regardless, she pushed herself to her feet as carefully as she could, only swaying a little bit once she was there. Her body was still aching from its impact with the wall, and her head wasn't quite ready to be standing, but it wasn't the first time she'd pushed her body beyond what it wanted to do. She gestured for him to lead the way.

"What's the Capitol?"

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[info]withsecrets
2011-05-23 07:43 am UTC (link)
Cassie wasn't the only one who was a little starved for physical affection. After everything with Imogene Glove, Ben had avoided any kind of touch beyond a handshake with anyone. He didn't care to get close enough to anyone to want to, after all. Oh, he easily could have, with his good looks and his personality. But it was difficult to want to trust anyone after something like that. And in any case, Ben was pretty sure Finnick's love for Annie had ruined him for most other women in the world. So hugging Cassie was a relief for Ben. A small nugget of something precious that he knew wouldn't try and use him.

His eyebrows raised and he looked skeptical. "I kind of doubt that, actually," Ben told her dryly as he got to his feet. Oh, he believed the bit about Sam teaching her. But if his life was any indication, reincarnates tended to echo their other lives' footsteps. Which meant she'd had to put those skills to use at some point, which Ben didn't like the thought of at all.

He put a gentle hand on her elbow when she stood up, looking unsteady. He made a mental note to grab some pain medication as well. Thankfully, Ben had stocked up on the good stuff. More paranoia thanks to Finnick, but seemed like it paid off. Before he could even take two steps to the kitchen, she asked a question that made his heart freeze over.

Ben didn't answer at first, instead leading her into the other room and clicking on the light. It was small and just as spartan looking as the other room, if not more so, and hiding under the table was Ben's pet bulldog. "Hey, Titus." Ben pulled out a chair for Cassie and then patted Titus on the head, who just uttered a low whuffling sound and then decided to stare at Cassie, as he always did with strangers.

As Ben was pouring them both some water, he finally decided to answer her question, trying to avoid giving up too much. He knew that if he lied, she'd probably find out eventually and be furious with him. Besides, she did deserve a decent answer.

"The Captiol was a place Finnick used to have to go to a lot." Handing her a tall class of ice water, Ben flopped down in his own rickety wood chair that didn't match Cassie's fold out. "It was the center of Panem; the country that rose from the U.S." There. All true, and none of it revealing. He sipped his drink, feeling satisfied.

He opened his mouth to ask his own question, especially about the red haired woman, and stopped himself. No. That'd just agitate her. Well, at least the things he wanted the answers to would. "So is uh... Any of Sam's family here?" He's not sure he wants to know if he's been replaced, but he has to reap the field he's sown. Better to know now then find out later.

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[info]lostmyshoe
2011-05-23 08:19 am UTC (link)
"No. Boring story. Swear." Cassie nodded and stopped. She was way too dizzy to be moving her head like that. The motion made her nauseas, and she wasn't about to try it again any time soon. And while the story wasn't entirely true, it wasn't exactly a bucket of excitement either. There wasn't much to tell about it--it just led to other questions she didn't want him to ask. Ones that were a lot harder to dodge than simple lock picking.

The dog in his kitchen was a lot easier to absorb than the pictures in the main room for some reason. Cassie had always pictured Ben having a dog whenever she had imagined what he was doing when she was younger. A big dog in a nice house, and it was always sunny outside. It didn't matter what she thought he was doing with his life, that's what he always came home to. Sometimes she wondered if she would still have such optimistic thoughts if she had pictured his imaginary life now. She highly doubted it.

She took a seat, listening to him talk without interrupting. It wasn't normal for Ben to spill anything, that much she knew from their talks on the boards. He seemed rather hush-hush about his reincarnate life, just like she was about hers, so she didn't want to stop him when he was actually answering a question for fear it would stop him. Instead she just nodded, tucking the information away for later. She wanted to question him more. There was so much more she wanted to know.

"Um. Yeah." Cassie nodded, awkwardly running her hand through her hair. This was going to be an uncomfortable topic, she could feel it already. "Both of his brothers, actually. And his dad. But they're all...er. Girls. Lillie's got Dean, and Sam's got Adam, and then Shane's got dad. Jo's here, too. In Justin. And we have a new Cas after Miri d--" Cassie cut herself off and swallowed. She didn't want to talk about Miri. She didn't want to talk about any of the deaths.

"Who's President Snow?"

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[info]withsecrets
2011-05-23 08:50 am UTC (link)
Ben still didn't believe her, but he let the subject go. Well, at least for the moment. He could ask her about it again some other time, because he has the feeling that dragging that information out of her is going to be like pulling out a bullet with his bare fingers: exceptionally slow and painful.

There no denying that uprising feeling of jealousy and envy when Ben hears Cassie talk about these people. Her other family. Her new family. Though apparently not all of it had been good - he had a feeling that unfinished sentence ended with 'died,' or something equally unpleasant. Still. She had other people she could confide in now. People who weren't so likely to strangle her, and people from her source who knew what she'd gone through in a way Ben would never be able to understand. Cassie may have been his family first, but Ben couldn't help but feel like by walking out that door six years ago, he'd given up certain rights and being allowed to know things, and he'd never get them back.

Bile rose in Ben's throat for real this time, and his memories dredged up a faint scent of roses and copper. He still wasn't awake enough for this - won't be for another hour, probably. Him and his stupid big mouth. What he wouldn't have given to just lie to her and be done with it, but he couldn't. Right now, he just couldn't. Besides, Ben wasn't used to lying to his friends and family. Hollywood plastic dolls and Capitol citizens, sure, but not his family. His voice was tight and raw sounding when he spoke. "President Snow was the leader of the Capitol, and Panem. Let's just say he wasn't pleasant." It's the understatement of the century, and it shows on Ben's face. If she were anyone else, he could have hidden all of this, but he's still too shaken from earlier.

"They looking out for you okay?"

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[info]lostmyshoe
2011-05-23 07:17 pm UTC (link)
Cassie watched Ben carefully, barely touching the water in front of her even if the cold was soothing on her throat. Before Sam came, she had been relatively good at reading people. A journalist's instinct, or so that's what her teachers told her way back when she was a good student with a goal at the end of the school tunnel. She'd figured out the little ticks that showed when somebody was lying, or hurting, or arrogant. It helped her dig deeper. Getting Sam had done nothing but magnify that. Wasn't what he did very similar? Interviewing people, trying to dig deeper to grab at answers? The end goal was different; a hunt versus an article, but the technique was the same. And she could see that Ben was leaving things out; speaking about it all was painful to him. She would have to read his source at work.

"Best they can, I guess," Cassie shrugged at him, her fingers tracing patterns in the condensation on her glass. It was weird to explain the Winchesters to an outsider. They were a genderswapped mess of awkward relationships, a product of their very awkward source. The boys had never been healthy with their family relationships; you didn't have to have one to know that. And John? John was more of a father in his end days than he ever was their whole life. It all transferred over into a hell of a lot of awkward that they all just seemed to get. It wasn't something you could put into words. "Justin's been great about letting me stay with him even though I'm a drunk mess half the time, and Shane..." She shrugged. She couldn't tell him that Shane helped by training her to fight things. "She's helped me understand some things. Other things are kind've just...on me."

She took an extended drink from the water, buying herself some time while she thought over what she wanted to ask. "Ben, who's Annie?"

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[info]withsecrets
2011-05-23 08:48 pm UTC (link)
He can't help the frown that starts to form on his face. Sure, he wasn't the brightest bulb in the box, but he has a feeling she's leaving out a lot of stuff right now. ... Not that he wasn't either, but it still made him feel a little sad that neither of them felt comfortable talking to the other anymore. At least, not about the big and important things. Would it have been different if he'd chosen to stay? Maybe, maybe not. There was no way to tell. But at least this way, Ben knew that he had done all he could to protect his family from Finnick's past, and from himself. "I'm glad that you've got people helping you out. You know, people that Sam knows. I think that'll help." He can't know for sure, since Ben himself had no idea if it really did help or not.

A knot tightened, and then loosed in his chest when he heard that name. "Annie was... She was everything." His frown started to turn up at the corners, and there was just a little wistful note in his voice. "Annie was from the same District as Finnick was. They were married- completely head over heels for each other. You'd never meet a sweeter girl. You could say a lot of things about her, and she'd been put through hell and back, but she was good, right to the core." Ben just kept smiling to himself for a few more seconds, remembering that girl that had managed to sneak her way into Finnick's affections despite everything the two of them had to face. "I don't think there was anyone else out there that Finnick could have loved, you know? She was just everything he needed." He doesn't mention that he's not sure he could either.

He cleared his throat, suddenly feeling a little embarrassed for getting so caught up in Finnick's memories. "Anyway. What's this about you drinking?" He shifted in his chair and crossed his arms on the tabletop, leaning forward on his forearms. "How long has this been going on?" He was worried, but for slightly different reasons then she might think. Ben had once been an alcoholic, and he didn't want her to go down that same destructive path.

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[info]lostmyshoe
2011-05-23 10:02 pm UTC (link)
"Yeah. Hopefully. There's a lot for them to he--" She stopped again. It was easier online when she could go back and erase things she shouldn't be saying, to make the lie the perfect omittance of information so that he wouldn't know or question more than she could handle. Face to face was harder. Information started coming out, and while she kept cutting herself off, it was enough to make him suspicious. Six years absent or not, she liked to think she knew her brother at least a little bit. And this was stuff that would make her suspicious. "Sam's just a lot to take."

As he talked about Annie, Cassie found herself smiling, even if she could do no more than stare into her glass of water. These weren't her brother's memories. They were Finnick's. Annie had been Finnick's love, and while she was happy to hear the note of contentment in his voice, she knew it was fault, and it was a lot sadder than she was willing to let herself think about too much right then. That wasn't Ben's happiness, and because it wasn't, Finnick was robbing her brother of his own life. For a moment, she felt her stomach recoil with hate for the person occupying her brother; this was Ben's life, not his. But was it really? Did any of them really get their own life? And wasn't it better for him to have that false happiness than none at all?

"Since I found out some stuff about Sam that I'd rather not be a part of," She shrugged. She didn't bother saying it wasn't a big deal, because deep down Cassie knew it was. It had become her go-to instead of dealing with her emotions. Hadn't that been what she did when she found out Carter died? And Miri? And about Sam and his shit with Lucifer? "He makes me miss people I didn't know either, you know. We think about Jess all the time. And his mom? I have nightmares about that demon." She didn't go on more than that. He didn't need to know she'd met that demon, and others. Or how Michael Abrams plagued her nightmares now as well; the sound of his neck cracking, that doomed feeling she got with how much Lucifer sounded like he was winning before he'd done it.

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[info]withsecrets
2011-05-23 11:11 pm UTC (link)
Ben had started to become suspicious of what exactly Cassie had been up to ever since they started talking over the boards, and this was just another tick to add to the slate of things Ben needed to worry about. The fact that she kept trying to reword things - especially someone who was usually so good with words - set Ben on edge. But for now, he'd just keep on making mental tally marks and do his own search for answers about what was going on with his sister.

Ben didn't say anything for a minute once she was done speaking. After debating with himself for another moment, he reached out and grabbed one of her hands, giving it a gentle squeeze. "I'm sorry." And he is. He'd give up having contact with her again if it meant she didn't have to go through any of this. Unfortunately, that isn't up to Ben.

"Sucks, doesn't it?" Although his smile was rueful, his eyes were serious. "One day everything's great and normal, and the next it's all gone to shit, and not even sleeping helps." The best sleep Ben had gotten in years was when he was dozing for a few minutes at a time - too light to slip into a nightmare. "But the alcohol isn't going to help either, Cass. It's just going to make things worse in the long run, even if it makes things easier right now. Getting off of it is a bitch, but it'd be worth it."

Sure, when he'd been drunk enough to actually pass out, he hadn't dreamed. But anything less lead to nightmares even worse then usual and he couldn't even get through a day without the stuff. And of course, he acted like a complete bastard the second his mind started buzzing. "Trust me, Cass. There are better ways to make it through the day then getting drunk off your ass." He doesn't say 'deal' because he's not entirely sure he has been dealing with Finnick's issues. In fact, he knows he hasn't. If he had been dealing with it, he probably could have gone a few nights without nightmares or had someone break into his home without thinking they were an assassin sent by Snow.

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[info]lostmyshoe
2011-05-24 01:21 am UTC (link)
"Why are you sorry?" Cassie asked, looking up at him from the water in confusion. Was he apologizing for attacking her again? She wanted to reassure him that it wasn't his fault, clearly. It was the guy in his head, just like Sam caused her so many problems. The words didn't come out, however. If she could avoid it, she wanted to put distance between them and what had taken place in the other room. All that was left to remind them was a few wounds, and guilt. But when didn't they have guilt? And then it clicked. He was apologizing for Sam. "It's not your fault I got stuck with a Winchester, Ben. It just happens. Luck of the draw."

She played with the condensation some more, letting out a derisive snort at Ben's comment. 'Sucks' didn't even begin to describe it. Sam had turned her entire life on its head. She went from being a law-abiding citizen, on the track to becoming a respected journalist, to... Well, a murderer, if she thought about it plainly. Yes, it was murder to protect other people, but it didn't negate the fact that she had been there when three different reincarnates were killed for the greater good.

"Ben," Cassie shifted herself uneasily on the chair, resisting the urge to pull her hand away. It was weird to feel the concerned gesture from her family when the majority of them had no idea she was even out of school, let alone dealing with something this big. She didn't want to talk about her drinking, and her free hand ran tiredly over her face. She wasn't ready to give up the one vice that was helping her cope. But he wasn't going to listen to that if he didn't know more. How much more she could tell him was the question.

"Ben." She started again, pulling her hand back as though she needed to brace herself on the table. "I've... It's just... Sam..." She swallowed. God, were those tears? This was the worst attempt at an explanation she'd ever given. "Can we talk about something else?"

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[info]withsecrets
2011-05-25 01:12 am UTC (link)
Ben just shrugged when Cassie tried to push away his apology. Sure, he hadn't been much of a member of the reincarnate community. But he'd heard things, sometimes. Caught onto snippets of conversations he wasn't supposed to have heard in deafening clubs and in quiet allies. Who wasn't to say it wasn't genetic? Or worse - some kind of cosmicly rigged selection that thought it'd be so damn hilarious to put his sister through hell and back. It didn't seem like either of them had been all that lucky in regards to their reincarnates.

He let her hand slide from his easily, and only the slight droop in his shoulders betrayed any sign of hurt or disappointment at the move. He needed to stop being so emotional right now - he couldn't afford to. His sister needed for him to be someone she could depend on, not someone who was going to keep freaking out at her. So he took a deep breath, tried to pull himself together, and let a comfortable mask settle over his face, smiling at her in a comforting fashion. "Sure we can, Cass."

So he starts talking about whatever comes to mind. "So, I work in construction," Ben told her, raising his eyebrows as though this is something very impressive instead of being a far cry from his sports scholarships. "I have been for about three years now. It's not the best paying job, and it's exhausting, but you know, work is work. And I rescued Titus here," and he nudges the bulldog with his toe who just lets out another strange whuffling sound and goes back to staring, "about a year ago. I found him wandering around some trashcans, and he just kind of took a liking to me. Worst guard dog in the history of existence, but he's good company. Well, when he isn't trying to look into the depths of your soul. It's a hobby of his." Strange, meaningless stories, but it's normal and real in a way that Ben aches to have all the time. Hopefully, it'll be distracting to Cassie.

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[info]lostmyshoe
2011-05-25 02:04 am UTC (link)
It was only a slight movement, and Ben tried really hard to cover it up, but Cassie caught it. The slump of his shoulders, the forced smile that didn't reach his eyes. It was a bigger blow to her gut than she expected it to be, and she knew why. It was so much easier to pretend she wasn't abandoning her family as horribly as she was when she wasn't face to face with any of them. In her mind, every sign of pain he showed was multiplied four times to encompass the rest of her family, and she cringed outwardly at it.

"Construction, huh?" She said, trying to sound normal, which was so ridiculous she couldn't even pretend it wasn't. The two of them sitting at the table, attempting to shoot the shit like their lives weren't the most fucked up excuses for living ever. Ben attacked people who came into his house when he clearly thought he was Finnick. She was sleeping on the couch of Jo Harvelle's reincarnate because she didn't want demons to kill her family. Suddenly getting bullied in high school because their brother was gay seemed a lot more preferable to the life she led now. "I'm working at Barnes & Noble. Not as good pay as construction, but I get to read when we're slow..."

She rubbed at her eyes, ducking her head away in hopes that he would just think she was tired. There was no alcohol in sight, which was usually her go-to if she started to feel too emotional. Without it, it was harder to hold back what she'd been holding back for five months now, and of all the people to get emotional in front of...

"I was going to school in Syracuse because I wanted to be a journalist, but that all kind've went to shit when I got Sam since his demons found me th--" She stopped, her entire body going rigid with shock. She hadn't just said that out loud. That was far from something she could cover up with simple back-peddling; not convincingly. And there was no way Ben hadn't heard it.

"Fuck."

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[info]withsecrets
2011-05-25 03:04 am UTC (link)
"Yep," Ben said, popping the 'p' at the end of the word. "The only good part of the job is that in the summer, I get checked out a lot." He forced a laugh and took a sip of his water, and a little part of him wished for some alcohol. He pushed away the thought and he tried to think about about grabbing a piece of rope to instead. When he heard where she worked, he changed his mind and went right back to wanting alcohol again. "A bookstore?" He sounded casual when he said it, but his eyes were sharp on her face. "Well, it sounds a lot less exhausting then construction work."

If there's one thing that Ben did understand, it's people trying to hide their emotions. He'd been doing it for years, and Finnick had seen so much of it and done so much of it that it's a wonder Ben wasn't too paranoid to even trust a friendly 'hello.' But he didn't call her out on it, because he knew better then anyone how hard it is to keep yourself together when someone calls you out on it. And as much as he wanted to help her, he knew that letting her deal with this moment in her own way was all he could do.

Of course, all of that went right out the window the second the world 'demons' left Cassie's lips. Ben wasn't even aware of standing up, the chair legs scraping against linoleum. His hands were planted flat against the table and his arms were trembling. True, Cassie hadn't been overly subtle on the boards, and she was paranoid enough to carry a weapon or two about. But Ben had thought it was just that: being paranoid. He had obviously been wrong.

"Demons." His voice was cold and his face flickered with that same expression it had held when he'd been attacking Cassie just a few minutes earlier. "Demons found you. Did they hurt you? Fuck, why the hell am I even asking." He ran a hand through his hair, trying to keep it together and utterly failing. Demons. Demons had found and hurt his little sister. Anger ripped through him, a hot violent burn and he didn't even care. The whole reason he left was to keep his family safe, but she'd been hurt anyway. And he hadn't been there to help her. He leaned across the table to meet Cassie's eyes. "Cass. What did they do to you?" Because whatever it was, whatever they had done to her, he was going to make them pay a thousand times over before he killed them. But first, he needs to make sure Cassie's okay. Forget that he had been the one to almost kill her, and that when she'd walked into his apartment she'd been whole and healthy. The worst scars weren't left on skin, after all.

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[info]lostmyshoe
2011-05-25 03:32 am UTC (link)
This wasn't something she could talk about. Not with Ben. Not with anybody. What Alastair had done was beyond awful; she still had nightmares about the knife cutting into her stomach. She didn't even have heart-to-hearts about it with Justin, and for everything else, he had been her source-buddy to go to. She could feel her hands trembling, and pressed them to the edge of the table to steady them, slowly pushing her chair back.

She wanted to run. It was the first instinct. Run the hell out of that apartment and just not look back, pretend she hadn't just blurted out to her brother that everything he was worried about happening to her had the potential to happen--and probably already had. She shook her head quickly at Ben, eyes wide and unblinking as they started to fill with tears. It looked like she was answering his question over whether or not they had hurt her, but the truth was she was trying to shake off the conversation.

"Ben," She started, voice shaky as she stood from the table. "You can't know any of this. I wasn't even supposed to tell you that. Please. Pretend I didn't say anything."

Of course, she knew it wouldn't get left like that. She had dropped a bomb right there in the middle of his kitchen, and now she was standing in the smoking ruins of her words. She took a step back, putting that extra step of distance between them when that look of anger flickered on his face. The one from the living room. Suddenly she wished she hadn't left her gun out there.

"It's taken care of. It's over. You don't have to worry about it."

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[info]withsecrets
2011-05-28 06:17 am UTC (link)
"I can't know any of this?!" His voice was incredulous as he stared at her, wide eyed and disbelieving. "How the hell am I supposed to pretend like you didn't just tell me that demons found you at your college?!" He shoved himself away from the table and fisted his hands in his hair, pulling at the strands and trying to focus on the sting at his skull instead of the words and the fact that were reeling around in his head and helping thoughts and facts settle into place.

He let go of his hair and rubbed his face instead, still thinking hard. "That's why you had the gun. And... the holy water. Because it had to have been holy water. You thought I might have been possessed by a demon or something." He didn't bother to ask if he was right. Even if he was wrong, though he was pretty sure he wasn't, the fact remains that his sister had been hurt, and now she was scared. Because Ben knew fear when he saw it - he saw it in his own face every day, and in the faces of the people in his nightmares. And he hated the fact that she was scared right now, more then anything, he hated it. And yeah, so maybe he'd been the one to put it there right now. The fact remained that someone else had probably put it there before too, and he couldn't let it happen again. Ben would have rather died.

"That's the thing. It's not over. You know that, and I know that. I'm not stupid. It doesn't just get to be over for people like us. And I'm not going to pretend I didn't hear anything. Because you're my sister, and I love you. I didn't run across the whole fucking continent and go though all this shit just so some demonic asshole could hurt you!" By the end of his rant he was shout, his hand waving violently through the air beside him. His head was throbbing and he knew he was going to have a headache soon, but he couldn't find it in himself to care. "Now, I don't know what the hell they did, or what they plan on doing, or what the fuck is really going on. But I need to know so I can help you stay safe and so that I can get those bastards before they come near you again."

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[info]lostmyshoe
2011-05-28 08:25 am UTC (link)
"Easily!" Cassie snapped, trying to keep the panic out of her voice. The last thing she wanted was for Ben to know, to have confirmation, that she was constantly in danger. She knew Ben. He was the guy who got so protective of her when they were younger that it could get them in trouble. And she knew that six years didn't change that, not with the introduction of a paranoid reincarnate and an extra heaping of danger on their plates. All it meant was that he was going to put himself in the path of a demon, and she really didn't want that to happen. "You do what you would do if I didn't tell you! Please," She was begging by this point, tears starting to spill over onto her cheeks. "Leave it alone."

Cassie cringed and recoiled as he mused out loud, hitting the nail on the head with every explanation he had for the items she had brought. The gun. The holy water. And he didn't even know about the stock piles of salt she and Justin kept, or the rings to Lucifer's cage, or even the Colt. Then there was the Latin she had rattling around in her brain... Forget hiring a priest, Cassie was the one to go to to save goddamn Emily Rose. The brunette girl who barely cleared 5'2, who screamed every time she watched her source and something spooky jumped out of nowhere. Who had hidden behind the couch when the power went off at Justin's. Who still had issues looking in the mirror after watching Bloody Mary. She was the one out hunting the things that went bump in the night.

Her silence stretched through the room. They were all rhetorical questions. Ben didn't need her to answer to know that he had been right, so instead she busied herself with swiping a hand across her face. It was more than just the weight of the hand she had been dealt, it was how out of control it all felt. It wasn't her life anymore. It was Sam's.

"You can't keep me safe!" She shrieked at him, finally snapping after his speech. Her hands, shaking, balled into fists. "Everybody who's tried is dead! They killed Miri, Ben! An angel! You're human! And they might've killed Carter for all I know. And they almost killed me and I have Sam. Do you know how easy it would be for them to just snap your neck? We're bugs to them!" She took a deep breath, kneading her fists into her eyes. By this point, there was no stemming the flow of tears.

"Besides. You can't take care of them. They're already taken care of."

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[info]withsecrets
2011-06-05 08:35 am UTC (link)
Ben could only continue to stare at her as she went on, shock mixing in with his anger and fear for Cassie. She was begging, crying, and panicked. Even when she was younger, Cassie had been a strong and determined kid. She didn't let things get to her, not even when practically the whole student body and then some was bullying, ignoring, and tormenting her. To see her falling apart like this right in front of him was a shock to Ben's system. It was probably an even bigger shock to him then when he'd realized just who he was trying to choke in his living room.

A part of him wanted to shout right back at her. Tell her that he was more scared of her dying then he was for himself. That he was well used to people who could snap his neck and treated him like the dirt on the bottom of their shoes. That he honestly didn't think that her idea of 'taken care of' would really last forever. But he couldn't. His sister was hurting, and he wasn't going to add to that, no matter how many pent up emotions were boiling inside him and waiting for a chance to explode.

In a few quick strides, Ben crossed the room and gathered Cassie up in his arms, pressing his cheek to the top of her head. "Hey, hey. It's okay. I'm a big boy - I can take care of myself. And you. I've gotcha, Cassie. I've gotcha. Just try and relax, okay?"

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[info]lostmyshoe
2011-06-07 12:58 am UTC (link)
This wasn't how it was ever supposed to be, not for her, not with Sam. When she got Sam it was time to man the fuck up--even more so than as a kid. Weakness? Please. That wasn't to be shown. Show it to the wrong person and the kids would prey on it at school, but in this world? Showing it to the wrong person didn't just end in bullying, it could get her killed. She was trying her hardest to stay that way all of the time; so far it was working out okay, minus the few bouts of screaming with Justin. Leave it to family to crack the damn walls.

"No. Stop it." She took a few breaths to try and calm herself, but it wouldn't happen. She needed the release as much as she didn't want it to come, and those tears weren't stopping just because she was stubborn. It was something a simple MacMahon trait--no matter how powerful--wasn't going to stop. "You can't help. You can't."

Eventually she gave in, letting herself collapse against her big brother with her face buried in his chest. She was sobbing; for Miri, for Carter, for the people she felt responsible for but had been horrible at protecting, and for herself. She had never wanted to be some kind of hero. Not an ordinary life by any means, exciting in the ways of rustling up a good story, but never at the risk of her life to the extent that this was. Her grip around Ben's torso tightened as the heaving sobs slowly started to calm down.

"I don't want you to die, okay? Please just don't...die."

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[info]withsecrets
2011-06-09 06:29 pm UTC (link)
Ever since Ben had become the reincarnation of Finnick, every day had been a fight not to lose himself to his reincarnation. To his memories, his past, his fear. So far, he hadn't done so well. Sometimes he had to lose a piece of himself just so that he could let another piece of Finnick in so that he could protect himself. The ironic thing was, most of what he was protecting himself from was Finnick himself, and all of the baggage and pain he brought with him. Right now, the temptation to let Finnick take over a little more was so strong it was hard to breathe. But he couldn't let that happen. Cassie needed Ben, not Finnick. So he took a deep breath and tried to hold himself together.

"Yes, I can," Ben insisted, keeping his voice low so that she wouldn't notice how choked up he was. He could feel her shaking, so he tightened his grip a little, as though doing that could stop the fear and keep her safe. Of course it couldn't, but it was nice to pretend. "I can help. You just need to let me." He didn't say anything else as she sobbed and clung to him like he was the last thing keeping her from being swept away. Ben knew well that sometimes it was better to just have someone to hug you when you cried then it was to have someone try to comfort you with words while you fell apart.

Cassie's words were like an iron fist around his insides, slowly squeezing with the intent of obliterating. Ben felt grateful for the fact that she couldn't see his expression as he remembered the feel of phantom teeth tearing at him and eating him alive. Pressing a light kiss to the top of her head, he kept trying to hold himself together for both their sakes. "I'm not going to die." The words held more conviction then he thought he could have managed right then, another thing he was grateful for. This wasn't something he could really promise his sister, but he did it anyway. She needed it, and he did have every intention of keeping his word. "And that's a promise. I'm not going to go anywhere, okay? I promise you that."

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