InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Decepticons Forever!"

sam winchester (neversurrender) wrote in thedoorway,
@ 2013-09-08 22:23:00

Entry tags:

!network post, angel, ben reilly / spider-man (616), castiel, christine chapel, connor reilly, hestia jones, mara jade, paige matthews, sam winchester

First week of classes is over, and my schedule's all sorted out. I'm on track to take the LSAT in December, and finish my thesis and therefore my Classics degree by June. And that's not counting the classes I'm taking for fun or the competition I'll be entering next semester-- or, you know, work, or a social life.

In other words, I'm basically not going to sleep for like... a year. Or ever again. But if it works, it'll be worth it.

[VERONICA]

We'll have to figure out how to fit time for just us in between school and work and everything else. But I think we can manage that, don't you?

[FRIENDS*]

Also, if you haven't already heard from Dean, we're planning to get a place outside of the tower. Whenever that happens, I'll let you know.

*OOC: Off the top of my head, this includes everyone from his home world, Veronica Mars, Paige Matthews, Annie Sawyer, Mara Jade, Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, Illyana Rasputina, Moya, Ben Stone, Molly Carpenter, Christine Chapel, and anyone else I'm forgetting who knows Sam well and/or has had ~deep-ish~ conversations with him at some point. If you're not sure, ask :)

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[Angel | Sam]

neversurrender
2013-09-13 11:47 pm UTC (link)

It can't be that long a story, you've only been here a month. What happened?

So, you were a drunk, then a vampire, then you got your soul back somehow but you also got cursed? Or is there a step in there that I missed? Is there a part in there where you did good things, saved lives, got to be proud of yourself for a little bit even if it went to hell again later? Those times are worth something too, you know. Becoming this person after all of that means something. I mean, Jesus, man, the hits have been coming for you since the dark ages and it doesn't sound like they're going to stop, but you're still here sympathizing with me for the things I've been through. That shows more strength than you're probably giving yourself credit for.

How does this curse work, exactly? Or I should say, what do you know about it? Have you tried breaking it? Having to avoid being happy to keep from losing your soul is really, really rough. And not just because you're not getting laid. Or not with people you love, anyway. I mean, I tried to avoid falling in love here because almost everyone I've cared about like that is dead, or will be dead-- just one, really, is still alive, and that's probably only because the relationship wasn't going to work out anyway. But if I would actually become dangerous if I really found happiness with someone, I'd avoid relationships like the plague. And that's a pretty lonely life to lead.

Exactly. You know, I think having people in your life can really make all the difference. Having something (or someone) to believe in. Family is what I've always been able to count on, and I don't mean just blood relatives. Friends can be family too. And you know, I'm not surprised that you were that close to shutting yourself off, but I'm glad you didn't. I'm not going to let you turn into a monster, okay? I'm watching out for you.

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[Angel | Sam]

broodypants
2013-09-14 12:38 pm UTC (link)

It's less about the length and more about the embarrassment. When I first got here, when I was still really depressed, I met one of Tony's friends. He wanted me to feed off of him ~~among other things~~. He's immortal, so he wasn't in any danger, but I ended up taking a lot of anger out on him. The fact that I had his permission doesn't make it any less wrong, you know?

See, that's the kind of crappy decision I make when I shut myself off. I've done a lot worse too -- I let Darla & Dru slaughter a whole roomful of corrupt lawyers once, and another time, I tried to kill one of my best friends -- just in case you needed more incentive to keep an eye on me. Or incentive to set a good example as a lawyer, I guess. (Sorry. Bad joke.)

My soul is the curse, actually. It was a punishment for killing someone, to make me feel the weight of my sins. That was over a century ago; the only person around today who might know more about it is Jenny, Giles's girlfriend, but considering I killed her when I lost my soul in Sunnydale, she's not my biggest fan. I kind of feel like I'd be cheating if I broke the curse, anyway. I earned it, now I have to live with it.

And, okay, maybe I'm a little scared of happiness at this point. I don't know if I'd still be me. Maybe I'd get complacent. Maybe I'd stop helping people. Have you struggled with that at all, since you've been with Veronica? I mean, you're obviously still helping people, just in slightly different ways since I assume your kind of demons aren't in this world. You're actually a really good role model there. Was that an easy transition to make or do you ever feel like you're not doing enough?

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[Angel | Sam]

neversurrender
2013-09-14 06:49 pm UTC (link)

Huh. Wait, which Tony Stark are we talking about? And which immortal friend?

Those are pretty crappy decisions, even if I can't be too pissed about the corrupt lawyers. I'm sure being a lawyer would come with having a target on my head, even if I'm not corrupt. If I'm doing it right, I'll be putting away a lot of bad guys, some of whom might decide that they'd have a better chance at getting away with murder if they got me out of the way. Or they might just want revenge after the fact, I suppose, if they managed to get out of jail. Sad thing is, I'm all too aware of how possible it is to get out of prison. If I can Houdini my way out, I'm sure the real bad guys can do it too.

Oh. That's a twist I didn't see coming. I've never managed to break a curse, anyhow; last time I ran into one, I just tried to survive it. But there might be people here who would be able to do it. Don't you think it might be worth looking into, if only to make the likelihood of losing your soul again a little bit lower? I mean, the best chance you've got of not hurting anyone is making sure your soul sticks around to guilt you over it.

Well, I'm selfish. I've never wanted the hunting lifestyle, I've always wanted to be normal. Or at least safe. And yeah, I definitely run the risk of becoming complacent. But I've kept myself in fighting shape in case shit goes south, and I've joined in to help in some way every time there's been a disaster. I still have a desire for the feeling of being fulfilled-- knowing that I'm doing something to help people, that I'm making a difference. I've fucked up enough, even at this point in my life, that I feel like I need to keep doing things to make the good I've done outweigh the bad. But this kind of helping people-- reaching out to someone who's battling their dark side-- is actually a part of my job at home. Just here, I've had a lot more success with it. Usually at home, I've ended up having to kill the person when they gave in to being a monster. I don't think it's that I'm doing a better job here so much as the people here are more motivated than most I've tried to help at home, and it's just been easier for them, in general. Our situation in this world is pretty perfectly set up to help people like you and me succeed, you know? Plenty of people around that can relate to what we've been through and willing to offer support or at least acceptance. This place is really kind of amazing, when I stop and think about it.

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[Angel | Sam]

broodypants
2013-09-14 10:49 pm UTC (link)

There's more than one Tony Stark? I don't know which one I'm talking about, then. The immortal friend is Dorian Gray, though. Maybe that narrows it down? I don't know any of the superhero types well enough to be able to distinguish between different versions.

Yeah, I didn't feel too bad about the lawyers, gotta admit. Although two of them survived, and one of them's here. So revenge is certainly a possibility, but I don't think she's interested in that right now. How did you manage to get out of prison? Breaking out is easy when you have super strength and speed; I'm always curious about how regular people manage it. Especially if they do it without killing anyone. Your hunting background might come in handy if a criminal tries to attack you. Not every lawyer can back up their verbal sparring with actual combat skills.

I hadn't thought about it like that, honestly. Getting my soul permanently secured for other people's safety rather than my own comfort. I guess it wouldn't hurt to consider it. I was worried about pissing off Jenny by going against her ancestors' wishes, but I killed her when I was soulless. Making sure it's securely fastened would be a good way to keep her safe.

It's not selfish to want to be safe. Believe me, I know selfish, and that's not it. There are a lot of ways to make a difference without hunting, and you've found several of those. I guess my problem is that I'm not really good at helping people any other way. I mean, I've talked a couple of friends off the ledge before, but I'm not sure it would translate with people I don't know as well. It's less a talking thing and more a being-there-for-them thing. Maybe it just takes time. And you're right, this place is set up for success more than just about anywhere else I can think of. So there's less pressure on me to be everything to everyone, which I definitely suck at. I could be a few things to a few people, though. Maybe that's enough. Maybe it's a matter of reframing expectations.

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[Angel | Sam]

neversurrender
2013-09-15 12:23 am UTC (link)

There's at least three versions. I'm not sure exactly how many. There's also a couple of Peter Parkers and a couple Natasha Romanoffs. Mainly comic book characters get doubles. But that does narrow it down, yeah, mainly because I've been keeping track of Dorian Gray. Or I was, rather. I didn't know about what went down with you and him, so obviously I'm not doing the best job of it. But it's Dorian Gray, and he's said some really questionable things on the network, so... well, anyway, you didn't piss off our host, technically. Just a version of him.

Who's the lawyer? I'll keep an eye on her too. And I got out of prison because I had connections. And then because demons broke in to kill me and my brother. After that... well, the angels probably would've broken us out if we'd gotten caught again, but the government thought we were dead for a while. Then the leviathans got us arrested but also broke in to kill us and the cop that let us go pretended that they'd managed it. Or that someone had managed it, rather; the word 'leviathan' didn't come up in his story, obviously. And you know, I really doubt any gang banger or corrupt politician or murderer or rapist is going to scare me after the crap I've seen.

Well, I mean, that's why I suggested it. So that if you slip up and sleep with someone you love (which, let's face it, is probably a pretty big temptation), you won't end up hurting anyone. And I'd like to think that even Jenny would understand, given that your soul is the main thing standing between you and being dangerous to her, but I guess that depends which is more important to her-- her safety or her ancestor's wishes. I don't know her, so I could honestly see it going either way.

I went about it selfishly, then. I left my family behind. But here, I'm still living with my brother, and even my parents were here for a while, though they're dead back home. Even my half-brother showed up for a quick second and then vanished again. Back to hell, probably, assuming he went back home-- because just about every member of my family seems to end up down there at some point. But anyway, not trying to change the subject. You know you don't have to find some perfect way to help people, right? At least not yet. I mean, maybe you just need to work on getting yourself together for a while. If you can help a few other people a little bit, that would probably help you, too. Start there and figure the rest out later on.

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[Angel | Sam]

broodypants
2013-09-15 01:20 am UTC (link)

Jesus. I knew about the multiple Peter Parkers, because Buffy's dating one of them -- well, she's dating a clone of one of them, so not exactly the same thing -- but yeah, I didn't realize there were versions of people with the same name. I guess I don't have a problem with this universe's Tony, then. Dorian Gray says a lot of questionable things, honestly. Even to me, and he knows that I'll kill him if I decide he's too dangerous to be out running around freely. But I'm not sure that excuses what I did. Human blood is human blood even if it comes from someone without a soul.

The lawyer is Lilah Morgan. Not a bad idea to keep an eye on her if you can. So how many times have you been in jail total? Three, or did I count wrong? I'm actually surprised that doesn't happen more often to people in my world -- only one of my friends has ended up in jail, and that was for things that had nothing to do with demon hunting. (Well, she killed a guy because she thought he was a vampire and didn't make sure first. But her other crimes were totally human.)

It is a big temptation, but I've avoided it before. It's been easy, really, because Cordy and I never quite managed to get into sync back home. Now that Connor's here, I don't see that changing. Even though he knows about our feelings for each other, I could never do that to him. And I respect both of them too much to try to sneak around behind his back. But the curse leaves me vulnerable in other ways, too. Someone once drugged me with a tranquilizer, and it made me synthetically happy enough to lose my soul until it wore off.

I'm the king of selfish, so I'm not gonna judge you for having gone about something selfishly. You had your reasons, I'm sure. You're young, even if you didn't have a good reason, it seems pretty unfair to blame you for that kind of thing. Last time I checked, people your age are supposed to make mistakes. You learned from it, that's what matters. And for the record, it's okay if you do change the subject. We don't have to talk about me all the time. I like listening to you. Even more than you give me hope for me, you give me hope for Connor. If he works through the shit his life has dealt him and turns out anything like you, I'll be proud as hell. (I mean I'll be proud of him no matter what, but still.) Have your parents ever shown up here?

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[Angel | Sam]

neversurrender
2013-09-15 02:33 am UTC (link)

I don't just mean the clones. I think there's one that's actually from this universe, and then the one that's from somewhere else and has clones. It took a lot of digging to figure that out and I'm still not entirely positive I've got it right. But I'm 99% positive that the Stark who hangs out with Dorian Gray isn't the one that's been playing host to us. He isn't on the network as much, and he tends to write in all lowercase letters. Like this. Not quite the same guy, right?

As for what you did to Dorian, I'm not going to say it was a good thing, and I don't think you should do it again. But I can't hold it against you. I drank blood from a demon who was possessing a person-- and yeah, I made her possess someone that was brain dead so they wouldn't have to deal with any of the things we were doing, but near the end she said she couldn't give me enough, so I drained an innocent possessed human dry. I'm really not proud of that, especially since it backfired big time.

I'll look her up and keep an eye out for her around the network. And technically, I've only been in jail the once. On purpose, for a job-- a friend of my dad's worked in the prison, and a ghost had started killing people off in there. The other times, when the demons and leviathans came for us, we were just in holding cells in the police station. There have been warrants out for us for a long time, though. Starting with a shapeshifter that took my brother's form and ended up framing him for murder. But then "Dean" supposedly died, because we killed him, so they thought he was dead. Except then we got into even more trouble. How do you do this job without running into law enforcement? Are they ridiculously incompetent in your world, or something?

Hey, if drugs can do that to you, you should definitely figure something out. Because there's all sorts of magic going crazy around here and things getting into the water and so on and so forth. Although I think the curse is a little messed up, if it's supposed to be 'true happiness'-- synthetic happiness isn't real happiness.

I've always had my reasons. Doesn't make everything I did right or excusable, even the things that didn't end with someone getting hurt. Though it's hard to point to anything in my life and say that it didn't end that way. Maybe not in the short term, but long term, there's always something. And you know, I'm not that young, especially since I had to grow up pretty fast-- though compared to you I can see how I'd seem that way. Mentally, though, if you count all the years in hell-time in my future, I'm pushing a couple of centuries. But you know, I think Connor will probably turn out alright. I've only talked to him briefly, but it seems like he's got his head on straight, at least mostly. I'll talk to him more and try to help him through it.

Yeah, my dad showed up first, really young. Like from the time that Dean and I went back in time and met him ahead of schedule, actually. And then my mom showed up from a little before that. She died when I was six months old, and I hadn't reached the point in my life when I went back to meet her, so it was... basically the first time I ever got to spend any length of time with her and remember it. I also didn't have the best relationship with my dad, so getting to meet him when he was young and see what he was like before my mom died, before he became a hunter... that was really something.

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[Angel | Sam]

broodypants
2013-09-15 04:15 pm UTC (link)

And I thought it was weird having some actor lookalike on the other side of the country. Well, at least none of the superhero doppelgangers are evil vampires -- I assume. That happened to Willow once back in Sunnydale. (For future reference reference, if someone ever does meet a vampire version of themselves, don't tell them that vampire personalities are rooted in their human personalities. Apparently people don't like hearing that kind of thing.) But this solves the mystery of 'why does Tony Stark occasionally forget how to use the shift key?'

So in your world, demons are basically spirits, right? We had a few possessions back home, but demon is more of a blanket term for supernatural creatures in our world. I'm technically a demon, or part demon, anyway. That must make things really difficult in your world, though. If you hurt them, you hurt the human they're possessing. Why did you need to drink the demon blood, anyway? Was it for a job, or because of an addiction, or both? Anyway, don't worry, I definitely won't be doing it again. It's too dangerous, even without the risk of death. Bad things have happened when I've gone down that road before, and I have too many people I have to be strong for here.

Actually, yeah, the police are pretty incompetent in our world. Not all of them -- I've known some great cops in LA, but for the most part, they're either in total denial about what's going on around them, or they're too busy with other stuff to worry about us. Or maybe Wolfram & Hart has been paying them off, who knows. Gotta keep the key player in their precious little apocalypse out of trouble.

I have no idea how the whole synthetic happiness thing even worked, to be honest with you. One of my friends speculated that maybe I just assumed I'd lost my soul and acted accordingly, but... that makes me sound incredibly stupid, so I'm not thrilled with that theory. And I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have expected to get it back once the drug wore off, so. I don't know, there's a lot about my curse that doesn't make sense. And it's just occurring to me that we don't have an Orb of Thesulah here. So if I did lose my soul, the restoration ritual wouldn't even work. Shit. I kind of have to find another way to keep my soul in now. I borrowed some occult books from Giles & Wes to research a murder -- your brother told us you guys were looking into it too, by the way, the four men in the salt circle on the Lower East Side? Have you been to the crime scene yet? -- so I guess I'll start checking in those while I'm waiting for sunset.

I always forget to count the hell years, even for myself. A century or two isn't much at this point for me, but that would change your age pretty significantly, huh? And no, having a reason doesn't make everything you did right. But wanting to get away from things that were trying to kill you and go to college instead? I'm sorry, I can't see that as selfish or a mistake, no matter what it led to. That's exactly what I want for Connor, and even if I died because he wasn't around to protect me, I'd be fine with that as long as he survived. His only responsibility to me or his other parents (or his other other father, for that matter) anyone else who helped raise him is to pursue what makes him happy. That option obviously kind of fizzled out for you, until you got here, but you couldn't have predicted that when you were a teenager heading off to school.

Wow, so you've met your parents when they were younger? Did they know who you were? Had you even been born yet? That must have been quite an adjustment for them, suddenly finding out they have grown children. It was an adjustment for me and my kid didn't even time travel, he just got kidnapped to another dimension where time moved differently. Of course, he was also raised to hate me and want me dead, so that was the more pressing subject on my mind. Did you get to spend a lot of time with them before they got taken back? (I assume they got taken back; seems like they would've come up sooner if they were still here.) I'm really glad you got to see them like that, though. Everybody deserves to have positive memories of their parents. And who knows, maybe the Tesseract will bring them back some day.

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[Angel | Sam]

neversurrender
2013-09-15 05:18 pm UTC (link)

So far as I know none of them are evil doppelgangers, although something weird happened with one of the Peter Parkers a little bit ago. Still not sure exactly what it was. Do vampire versions of people happen often where you come from?

Yes. They're human souls that went to hell and got twisted and broken until their humanity is gone. Then they claw their way back up to the surface (and a lot of them do, because even demons don't much like hell) and possess people to cause destruction and death and chaos for its own sake. Sometimes for a larger purpose too, like the apocalypse. They definitely are difficult to get rid of without hurting the person they're wearing, which is actually a lot of the reason I was drinking the blood. It gave me the power to exorcise them and then kill them with my mind, rather than having to recite an exorcism or use holy water or the knife we had that could kill demons (but also killed the person). Most people survived being possessed when I used my abilities to save them, but it was also an addiction and it was making me more and more demonic in the process. And it started the apocalypse. So drinking blood, even when it's from someone that's consenting and you can rationalize that you're not hurting anyone with it… still not a good idea.

I've heard that, too, that demon is a more broad term in your world. And it means something different in other worlds as well. We obviously have creatures other than demons, but we call them different things. 'Spirit' is more of a catch-all term for incorporeal things, and 'creature' for anything corporeal.

Well, the police are incompetent in regards to supernatural stuff where I come from, too, but they sure got close to catching us a few times. Or rather, the FBI did. There was one agent named Henricksen who was really good at his job, although he only caught us because he got a tip from a thief that stabbed us in the back. He ended up fighting off the demons with us and then "killing" us so that the law would think we died. Sadly he was the one that ended up dying-- real shame, because he was a good person. Would have been a good hunter, too.

I'm not sure I buy that theory, either. But it is weird that it disappeared and then came right back. Did it come back after you slept with Buffy, you know, whenever the feeling would have worn off? You know, maybe the drugs just… subdued your soul, somehow. Made you happy enough that the curse started to take effect and your soul nearly got separated, but not quite, so it was still technically there when the drugs left your system. We probably could get an Orb, or something close to it, but I definitely think we should try looking into something more permanent. I can see what I can dig up, too, but I think our best bet here probably isn't books-- probably something more to do with the people that are here and the experience they have. I'd like to talk to Illyana about it, actually, if you don't mind, because she's messed with her own soul, so she probably has some idea of how to work magic on souls.

Yeah, we have been looking into that. I'm about to write up something about what I've found (or rather, not found), actually. I'll add you and the people from your world to the filter.

I still feel like I'm twenty-six, but yeah, there are a few centuries of hell in my head, which is a little strange. And… thanks, for that. I've kicked myself over it multiple times, because it got my girlfriend killed and because it made things harder with my family, but you're right. I still don't think the desire to get out of this life and be normal and safe is wrong.

Well, the weird part about the fact that we time-traveled is that they did know our faces, but not who we were, because we didn't say "we're your sons from the future". That took some explaining. But I spent as much time with them as I could, especially my mom. I wish they'd gotten to stay, because I know they really wanted to, but the tesseract sent them back anyway. If they came back here I'd be really glad to see them.

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[Angel | Sam]

broodypants
2013-09-16 05:05 pm UTC (link)

As far as I know, the vampire thing only happened once, with Willow. She was pretty upset over it -- I think her doppelganger was hitting on her, too, so that was weird. But no, thankfully not a common occurrence.

It sounds like you had a good reason to start drinking demon blood, if you were trying to help people. I mean, like you said, it doesn't excuse what happened, but I can understand how you must have felt. There are plenty of times I've ended up doing something bad under the justification that it was saving people or that it was for the greater good. And even when it does work out exactly the way I intended, the guilt's still there. As much as it sucks that what you did started the apocalypse, I'm guessing you would've felt guilty about it afterward even if it hadn't. Eventually you guys stopped the apocalypse though, right? Is that one of those things that's still technically in your future?

You know, I don't think we've ever had the FBI after us. Which is nothing short of a miracle. Spike and I have both been captured by the US military at different times -- mine was during World War II, they forced me to save a submarine that had been crashed by Nazi vampires, but after that they let me go. Spike was experimented on in some government facility and got a chip in his head that prevented him from hurting humans for a few years. I'd say he got the worse deal, but if not for that chip, he probably wouldn't have ever decided to get his soul back. They did him a favor, really.

No, my soul definitely didn't come back after I slept with Buffy. It took several witches to re-ensoul me that time, same as last year when I let my friends remove my soul for a while (we were trying to kill something that only Angelus remembered how to fight, because of some weird spell that affected my ensouled memories but not my soulless ones). So your theory about my soul loosening while the drug was in my system might be the best one I've heard. I don't know if it's possible to get an Orb of Thesulah anywhere other than my world. Maybe Giles would know. You're welcome to talk to Ilyana about it -- or anyone who might have an idea of what we could do. Considering my type of vampire doesn't exist here, I'm guessing our soul restoration rituals don't either, so we'll have to get creative.

I'm really sorry that going away to college made things harder with your family and that your girlfriend died there -- I can absolutely see why you'd feel bad because of that. But you were just trying to live a normal life, and that's nothing to kick yourself over. Hopefully you can have that here. It's kind of a second chance, except this time you're older and wiser and better prepared to make informed decisions. And also you're not being shoved around by demons and angels, so that helps a lot, I'm sure.

It's hard to understand why the Tesseract does the things it does sometimes. But it seems like a lot of people get sent here multiple times, so at least there's a chance your parents might come back eventually. Although it sucks that they wouldn't remember being here before. You said your brother's been here more than once, right? Has that been difficult, or does having him back outweigh the downsides so much that it doesn't even matter?

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[Angel | Sam]

neversurrender
2013-09-17 07:49 pm UTC (link)

That is really weird. And I can see how finding out that vampire personality was based on hers would be upsetting. No one likes to be confronted with the darker parts of themselves. Or their evil vampire twins.

I did. I like to think I've always had good reasons, but that doesn't make me feel any better about it. Honestly, it kind of makes it worse in some ways. It's not a good feeling, you know, not being able to trust my own judgment. Obviously I don't want to go darkside or anything, but I'd like to be able to trust myself. That's actually something that just happened for me-- or at least the drinking blood and starting the apocalypse part, that was my last year or so before I showed up here. We will stop it, but that hasn't happened yet.

You're lucky there; having the FBI on your tail is no picnic. Although the military doesn't sound like it was either. Were there seriously Nazi vampires? There were Nazi necromancers in my world, that's something I'm going to deal with in my future.

There was an Orb like that in my world, although I never used it myself. There could be one here. If there were, well-- if Giles doesn't know, Dr. Strange might. Although I don't really trust him, even though Illyana does. My friend Cas might be able to help, although it probably depends on where your soul goes when it leaves you. When I was in the pit, and he pulled me out, he didn't manage to get my soul out with the rest of me. We don't have rituals so much as beings that can bring them back-- but to get mine back, my brother had to make a deal with Death. As in the horseman. If your soul doesn't get locked up quite as tightly as mine did, though-- or I guess if it doesn't go back through the tesseract to your original universe, which is another possibility-- then I'd think Cas would be able to help. Or if he couldn't, he'd certainly be able to help knock you out while we find another option. He's an angel of the lord, so, there's not much that's above his paygrade. Even if he is cut off from heaven at the moment.

This place is awesome, honestly. I have a girlfriend, I have school, and I also have my family, and I'm still hunting, when stuff comes up. I could do without the hunting personally, but as long as my brother's doing it, I'm going to be watching his back. And the fact that I can tell people that I'm a hunter, that I have demon blood, that I'm Lucifer's human vessel-- that's been pretty big for me. I'm all of those things, but I'm not a freak or an outcast anymore, like I always was at home. And there is a demon here as well as an angel, but she's… well, it's complicated, but she's on our side now.

Losing people through the tesseract is probably the biggest downside of this place. It's never easy, although it's different from the way I've lost my brother at home-- when he went to hell, for instance. Going home isn't the same as dying. It was hard to lose him, but since he's managed to come back within a week both times, I can't honestly complain about it. And once he's back, everything in this universe is right again. Which… sounded kind of weird, but after everything we've been through, anything is easier to deal with as long as we're dealing with it together. Last time he left, though, I realized I still wanted to stay even without him here. Apparently after every time I've let him down or left him behind or chosen something else over him, even though I've learned the lesson each time, I'm still selfish enough to do it all over again. Although if Veronica wasn't here, then it might be different.

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