InsaneJournal

I know you probably don't want to hear from me and I can't say I blame you for that. I'm a messy person. I always have been. My friends are messy people, too. About the stuff with Eliot, I didn't tell him to do that. In fact, I told him not to do that. About the stuff with me [...] I know [...] I know it was my fault. I could have said something, but I was afraid to because I guess I'm always aware of who I am or who I'm not. I was hurt, but it wasn't your fault. I don't handle that well. I don't handle feeling like I ruin things very well. I know it's no excuse for how I dealt with things, for how I handled everything. I know.

If there's nothing I can do for us to still be friends, I get that. I'll walk away and leave you alone and I won't say anything about it to anyone. I won't mention you to anyone again. I don't want to, but I will. You deserve that.You deserve something uncomplicated, something good and maybe I'm not that. No. I'm definitely not that. I'm a huge, complicated fucking mess and I put myself into situations that are bound to backfire in my face and then I act like it's a surprise. I talk shit about myself like it's my fucking job. I take things too seriously and I'm too emotional. I know you hate it when I talk bad about myself. Or you did. I'm just not sure how to stop doing that.

You were good for me in that you made me want to be a better person than I was. You made me weirdly honest (ignoring the important part where I didn't tell you things because of my own ridiculous fears). I felt safe with you. Maybe we should have just stayed friends. Maybe you were right about that. Friends without the additional complications. I didn't go into this intending to make it complicated, but I'm sorry I did and I'm sorry if my actions hurt you. It was refreshing to know I'm not the only one that's kind of a dick when he's angry, though. It's nice to see that you aren't perfect. I mean, I know you said so before, but I guess I didn't believe you until recently. I probably didn't need to be a better person just to be your friend. Thank you for not letting me hate myself as much as I wanted to, though. I wanted to say that. I don't know if I ever thanked you for that, but I should have.

Thanks for being my friend. I miss you And thank you for listening to me and not treating me like a giant fucking trainwreck of a person. I'm resisting the urge to say something bad about myself in this moment. I hope you're happy or that you will be if you're not. I hope you don't let this deter you from finding someone you like as more than friends. I'm saying this as a very real hypocrite because I'm really considering becoming a hermit or maybe a monk and taking a vow of silence and chastity for my own good. I know. I know. Stop saying bad things about myself. It was funny, though, wasn't it?

Anyway. I'm sorry that we fought and for being messy and emotional and ridiculous. I'm sorry that anything I did might mean we can't be friends. I'm sorry about a lot of things, but us not being friends anymore is top of the list. I'm also sorry if this was a lot and if I've bothered you again.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm hoping the next place is Hogwarts somewhere awesome really close. Like weeks without something new and distracting sounds horrible, honestly.

[Eliot Waugh]

Hey.