InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I saw the face of God"

Ren Waugh-Solo (behindthemask) wrote in thedisplaced,
@ 2017-11-19 20:45:00

Entry tags:

anakin skywalker, kylo ren / ben solo

[Filter:Anakin Skywalker]

Are you awake?

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	behindthemask 2017-11-21 06:46 am UTC (link)
	[...] He was. Sacrifices [...] are sometimes necessary. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	balancetheforce 2017-11-21 06:54 am UTC (link)
	Our masters would have us think that they are. That the only form of power is the dark side, and that only our sacrifices and our pain will bring us power. And yet they never seem to sacrifice anything. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	behindthemask 2017-11-21 06:59 am UTC (link)
	If pain brings power, then why [...] Do they judge you? In your house? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	balancetheforce 2017-11-21 07:03 am UTC (link)
	Yes. Some of them do, sometimes. I suspect there's probably more than they actually say to my face or where I can see it. And it's deserved. I hurt the Mandalorian girl and her friends before, and many people know of my actions in my future. And you in yours? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

behindthemask
2017-11-21 07:09 am UTC (link)

It would make more sense if I had actually done something to them, or was going to. If [...] Leia didn't want anything to do with me, it would be logical. Rey and Poe avoiding me, I don't care, and it is likely deserved.

Eliot's friend.

It's been uncomfortable since she got here. I know that El feels it. I tried to talk to her, but it went nowhere. I've been patient, and tried to keep my temper in check. ~~I don't want to lose~~

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	balancetheforce 2017-11-21 07:17 am UTC (link)
	If they know what you have done before, they know what you are capable of, and can't trust that you won't continue to act as you have before. As far as they know, you're going to again and this time it could be to them or someone close to them. At least, that's how many people seem to feel about me. Uncomfortable how? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

behindthemask
2017-11-21 07:22 am UTC (link)

She arrived when El and I were in New York City and then proceeded to throw a large public fit when she learned that Eliot was seeing me.

I have no intention of hurting him whereas she actually has hurt him. It's unfair.

[...]

She and Eliot are close. [...] I'm afraid if he had to choose it'd be her.

Do you think sacrificing things is a lie? Or is it merely what we are being asked to sacrifice, and by whom.

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	balancetheforce 2017-11-21 07:30 am UTC (link)
	Why? Did she know of you, or someone told her something of you? I don't believe now that killing other people is the same as sacrificing. Giving ourselves for something or someone else, or letting go-- not destroying, but releasing-- that is a sacrifice. Killing your father was not a sacrifice, Kylo. Neither was my slaughter of my fellow Jedi. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	behindthemask 2017-11-21 07:40 am UTC (link)
	She must have seen the film in her own world. ~~If she convinces El~~ I can't take it back. [...] When Eliot looks at me, I think maybe I could be someone [...] he sees me. But I'm not sure that it isn't delusional. Certainly it is not what anyone else sees. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

balancetheforce
2017-11-21 05:31 pm UTC (link)

Have you or Eliot ever seen it so you'll know what people are aware of when they talk about what they "know" about you? I can say it's a painful experience to watch the "stories," but it did clarify for me what people are aware of-- I'm certainly not volunteering the information.

You can't. But you have to learn how to cope with the truth of what you've done. We both do. Denying it or justifying it or trying to redefine our actions as something else doesn't help us, and it's an insult to the memory of those we've killed.

Does he truly know and understand your actions? And that they are YOURS?

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behindthemask
2017-11-21 05:56 pm UTC (link)

No. [...] I - we - saw, part of it in New York. But I hadn't seen much point. [...] But maybe that is a reason.

~~I don't~~ Will it make any difference? I've been talking to ~~Lei~~ Mom. I've been trying to work with her. I feel as if I do it badly every time.

Han was one of the first things we truly talked about. I told him about it. He didn't know. That was back in space.

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balancetheforce
2017-11-21 07:02 pm UTC (link)

Speaking for myself, it didn't help me when I tried to reject my future or when I attempted to rationalize it as somehow justified or acceptable. It's not. The things I will do are wrong. Maybe it's the same for you and your past.

And it isn't helpful at all when people tell me "you aren't Vader" or "that isn't you". It doesn't help me as Vader to act as though Anakin's life was some other life instead of my own, or vice versa. I'm going to change a great deal in body and temperament, and I will have new experiences that inform my life, but it's ALL ME. I've seen that when I try to create a separation or other people try to, I get worse. Unstable. Violent, as you've experienced.

With your mom, in what sort of way? I don't know if I can help with her. She and your uncle have just learned what I told you before, that I killed your grandmother. It barely seemed to affect them. (Or you, now that I think about it.) Maybe everyone is just concealing their reactions because of how I may behave, but I don't know.

Did you tell him your father was a "sacrifice"? What did you say?

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behindthemask
2017-11-21 07:42 pm UTC (link)

For you it's a future though. For me it's a past. It's things you will do, but haven't. For me it's things I have done, and can't undo. I haven't wanted to dwell there. It has no impact on most of the people here. What I do now, currently, that is what has impact on them. So what I do here matters more than what I did at home. I don't know if that's rationalization or justification, but I do believe it is reality.

When I wore the mask it was easier to be who Snoke thought I should be and who I believed I needed to be. I suppose I was that person too during that time. Sometimes I'm not certain who I am really. I feel torn between different ideas of people constantly. ~~Eliot~~ Sometimes I think I know who I would like to be, but I don't know how to get there. And I think maybe it's too late even. I've missed whatever chance I had at it.

I talked to her. About Han. Told her that I knew she knew. Told her I didn't actually order Starkiller Base to destroy the Hosnian system. I've killed lots of people and I won't deny that, but I wasn't on the base when Hux fired the weapon. We talked. I don't feel like we fixed anything. I don't know if it can be fixed. I kill her husband. Maybe not hers, but in my world I do. I don't know that I can even stand on the reasons for it in my own head, how can I possibly explain that to her? [...] Did you mean to kill grandmother?

Han was supposed to cut ties to my past - to Ben - to all the weakness that he had in him. Snoke told me to truly access my power that I needed to cut those ties - bury Ben. I didn't go seeking Han out, he was there. I see now what Snoke said was a lie. If I could [...] but like I said. It's too late for that.

I told Eliot most of that. I expected he would tell me to leave, but he told me I had trusted him. He let me stay. And then he kept [...] staying.

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balancetheforce
2017-11-21 09:21 pm UTC (link)

Sometimes it IS the past for me, depending on my present point of view. Sometimes I'm more my present self seeing it as the future and sometimes I'm more my future self who remembers these things as already done. I don't want to create a separation saying "when I'm Anakin" versus "when I'm Vader," but it's a little like that. If that made sense.

As I told you already-- people are going to consider what you've done before and think you're going to do it again. It doesn't have "no impact" on them. Yes, they don't have to live through what you've done, but they have to wonder if you'll continue to be who you've already been.

We wore masks for different reasons, but there was a similar effect in their designs: separating us from everyone else. Physically, emotionally, psychologically. The mask represents something to those who see it, too. And our masters having us kill people to eliminate attachments and get accustomed to killing people instead of using other methods further isolated us.

Ahsoka, and Luke, and my other grandson insist to me that it's not too late. That the light is a choice and that we can turn from the dark, unlike what the Jedi and what our masters want us to believe. They keep staying, too. It sounds like Eliot must believe the same.

[...] No, I did not mean to. But my intention to only harm her in my anger doesn't change that it resulted in her death. I strangled her through the Force. Even without intending to, it is all too easy to kill someone that way.

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behindthemask
2017-11-21 10:22 pm UTC (link)

I don't like to think of myself as Ben. He never seemed to know what to do. [...] But I'm not sure that I know any more now. It makes more sense than I would like for it to.

I know nothing about most of them, and I don't sit around worrying about what they've done in the past. It's bullshit.

Do you think they're right? Eliot [...] makes me believe I could be... the sort of person I think I always wanted to be ... if I can manage not to kriff it all up.

I intended to kill my father. I was conflicted about actually doing it, but I thought it would make me stronger. It was an intentional gesture. I don't want to ever unintentionally hurt El.

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balancetheforce
2017-11-21 11:27 pm UTC (link)

Why do you continue to split your identity like that?

You haven't had access to their "stories" like they've had ours. If you continue to see their worries as "bullshit" instead of understandable, you're going to make a lot of enemies, or at least have a lot of people greatly disliking you.

I don't know. But I have to hope it is and act as if it's possible or I'll never be better than I've been. I can't just ignore what I've done or say it doesn't matter here, but I have to actively seek to be better.

I worry that you'll be like me. That someday you'll do to him what I did to Padmé.

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behindthemask
2017-11-22 12:40 am UTC (link)

I don't know. I'm not certain I know how not to.

If I spent my time going out and watching everyone's stories and then pointing out their mistakes on the network for the world to see, people would consider that bullshit, and rightly so. I don't care if people like me, I just want my mother to be able to read the network without worrying about someone callously reminding her about all the mistakes her son makes.

I wouldn't hurt Eliot. Not ever. He's the only reason I think I maybe could [...] change and like who I might be.

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balancetheforce
2017-11-22 01:28 am UTC (link)

I don't think it's about your mother's potential discomfort at all. You and I have committed atrocities that are deserving of condemnation. They aren't mere "mistakes" being pointed out and reducing them to that is, to use your word, "bullshit."

I never wanted to believe I was capable of hurting Padmé. If he is your only reason, what happens if he disappears from this place?

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	behindthemask 2017-11-22 01:55 am UTC (link)
	I need to go. (Reply to this) (Parent)

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