riley pollard (aknightcomplex) wrote in the_dome, @ 2013-07-28 20:14:00 |
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Entry tags: | 04-06-2017, lia, lia and riley, riley |
Right Place, Wrong Time
Who: Lia & Riley
When: Evening
Where: The ranch
It was strange, settling into a home that wasn’t hers. The day had been somewhat busy, between getting examined again by the doctors, being released, reuniting with Sophia and trying to explain why she had been away for a couple of days. Then packing some things up and joining Riley at his ranch, well... Lia was exhausted. Sophia, however, was excited about the idea of sleeping over at the house with the horses and it was a bit more difficult getting her settled once they it was time to put her to bed. After Sophia was changed into her pajamas, Lia laid with her on the bed in the room Riley had prepared for her, and she stroked Sophia’s hair, letting her daughter chatter on about everything and anything until finally Sophia yawned and began to drift off.
Lia waited a few minutes more until she was sure Sophia was sleeping before she slipped from the bed and crept carefully from the room, closing the door behind her. With that taken care of, Lia walked down the hall to the room she was supposed to sleep in. Once she found her own pajamas, she ducked into the bathroom to change into the red cotton shorts and tank top. Then she studied herself closely in the bathroom mirror before taking her long, blonde hair and pulling it over her opposite shoulder before beginning to peel the bandage away from her injury. She winced softly as the adhesive pulled at her skin, but once it was off, Lia tossed the bandage in the waste bin and touched her shoulder gingerly. Yes, it was still sore, but the ache was duller now. There was no bruising, no horrific signs that she had been bit. Between the healing and her senses, Lia hadn’t been lying to Gin when she told her she thought she was going crazy.
Sighing softly, Lia left the bathroom and started down the hall to find Riley. She loved his ranch. It smelled like him. Earthy and masculine. Suddenly there was an odd twinge in her chest. An overwhelming ache... something she couldn’t quite put her finger on, or even explain. All Lia knew was that she wanted to find him. Needed to.
Riley was sitting in his office, a room off the hall leading to the boarders' wing where his boarders and Lia were staying. It had probably been meant to be a sun room with it's clear view of the horizon off outside the dome and the skylights in the ceiling high above. He'd converted it to suit his needs though with a large, scarred wooden desk and an ancient leather chair. He had ledgers open in front of him and a pencil behind his ear. He was just considering wandering to the kitchen for a snack when he saw Lia pass from the corner of his eye.
He'd been letting her be so she and Sophia could settle in, taking as much time as they needed. He was just happy to have them under his roof, inside his walls, where he could be sure they would be as safe as possible. He smiled at the sight of her, unable to keep his eyes from catching on the red shorts. He bit the end of the pen he had been using and called out after her. "Hey, where you off to?" he asked lightly. "Gonna give a bloke a heart attack looking like that."
Pausing at the sound of Riley's voice, Lia exhaled with something akin to relief and she took several steps back until she was framed in the doorway and looking in at him. He looked so business like, sitting behind that desk with his books and papers in front of him, and yet, Lia could still imagine him sweaty and grimy from the physical labor it took to run a ranch. In either case, Riley was gorgeous, and her heart sped up at the sight of him.
The room itself was lovely and open, but Lia gave it little more than a glance before she stepped inside of it and took the door, closing it quietly behind her. Lia tilted her head, watching him intently for only a moment before she began to walk across the room toward him. "I was looking for you," she said quietly, belatedly answering his question. She was still trying to get used to everything being more pronounced, the sights, and smells and noises. But right now, Lia had to admit she didn't mind it so much. Not when she could breathe in his scent from where she was, like she could somehow commit it to her memory.
Riley bit down on the end of the pen again, keeping himself from smiling as she entered and shut the door behind her. He wondered what she had on her mind that needed privacy. He spoke professionally to her now. “How are you settling in? Is there anything you need? Sophia?”
He watched her, noticing somehow she was different. There was something new about her he couldn’t place his finger on but it was there nonetheless. She had been beautiful already but there was a shift. Maybe he was over-observing because she’d almost died. He needed to let it go. Appreciate the fact she was alive and here and not over-analyze. Still. She’d healed so quickly. There was that and that was definitely odd.
“Everything okay?” he asked as his thoughts culminated into strange suspicion that things weren’t quite right. Military training had prepared him enough to detect when something was off. He wouldn’t push her though. He wouldn’t confront. If she said nothing to it, he’d let it drop.
Lia lifted a blonde brow, amused that he would speak to her like a proper houseguest. "Everything's fine. We're settling in all right, and no, there's nothing I need." Maybe that wasn't entirely true. There was plenty Lia needed. And wanted. It was just difficult to sort through her thoughts and feelings to focus. Especially now that she had found him, and he was sitting right there in front of her.They were alone, even, and yet Lia still had that indescribable restlessness churning inside of her.
After a brief second of thought, Lia rounded the desk to get closer to him, lifting herself to sit on the edge of the desk, right beside his chair. She could reach over and brush her fingers through his hair if she wanted to, but Lia managed to resist for the moment. "Do you have any scars?" she asked, her brows drawn together curiously. "From combat? I never asked... were you ever hurt?" It was something she had feared when he was away, something that marred her dreams of him, always wondering if he would come home, and in one piece. But until Gin mentioned it earlier, Lia hadn't even thought to ask him about his experiences in the war, both back home and here. Maybe a part of her hadn't wanted to hear about it, or acknowledge it, but it seemed important to her now.
Riley cracked a smile at her raised brow. "Sorry," he said. "Can't help but think you're breathtaking when you do that. Smile, I mean." His eyes lingered on her mouth, remembering kisses stolen in her kitchen but he was unsettled by her speedy recovery still. His eyes returned to hers. "I'm glad to hear you're finding the place comfortable enough."
He cleared his throat and put the pen down more accurately across the ledger in front of him than he needed to. He nodded and glanced up at her for a moment before answering. "Yes, I do. I was." He pressed his lips together, not sure if he should say more. He'd almost spoken about it with her a couple of times since finding her again. He'd hinted at it in conversation but had not wanted to directly address it to her. He didn't want her angry with him all over again.
She had known Riley since they were teenagers. She had been in love with him for just as long. And it seemed as if the six years spent apart hadn't changed anything at all, because Riley was still capable of getting her heart racing with a simple compliment. So many boys back in school, and even men after, had spread it on too thick, wanting to flatter her in hopes of getting somewhere with her. But Riley was different. When he told her she was beautiful, it was usually spontaneously stated as simple fact. It was hard to ignore how his eyes drifted to her lips, but Lia remained focused on the conversation at hand, not quite ready to leave it alone.
Hearing he had been hurt deepened the guilt she felt at leaving him. She shouldn't have. Lia knew she should have been home, waiting for him when he was discharged. He might have needed her, and instead he was told she had died, and Lia had been across the ocean, starting a new life. Inhaling deeply, Lia studied his face, wondering... no, knowing that not all of those scars were physical. "What happened?" she asked quietly, wanting to hear now, what he had been through.
Riley was never given to complimenting in order to charm. If he thought something, he said it because he felt the other person should know. Most especially Lia. He'd known when he'd first officially met her, rain-soaked and alone on the edge of his property, that he had no possible chance with her. He'd simply been himself but apparently that had been what caught her eye. He'd always felt like the luckiest guy alive to have her love. In some ways, he never had settled completely into the idea that he'd gotten to marry her. Probably why he never fought the news that she'd died. She'd been too good to be true. Of course she was gone.
He really didn't want to talk about what had happened. He didn't want to risk her leaving again because this time she was the one in danger if she did. He folded his hands and frowned at them, beginning to feel overly warm. He shrugged off the light flannel shirt he'd been wearing open over a white t-shirt onto the back of his chair. "I don't think it's a good idea to explain it to you," he responded after a long beat of silence.
On some level she sensed the shift in his mood, the uneasiness Riley felt at having to answer her question. It might have deterred someone else from pressing him, someone more timid, but Lia was a stubborn individual and while she didn't want to upset him, she also felt as if she had a right to know what he had been through. Those years he spent fighting for their country, and then for mere survival, were a part of who he was, and maybe indirectly, a part of who they were together. Lia couldn't simply ignore it, especially now, knowing he carried scars from his years away from her.
Her eyes ticked over him, noting the way he took off his flannel shirt, recognizing that his body language was no longer casual and relaxed. Of course his answer only piqued her curiosity more and Riley should have known that would happen. Lia had always been nosy, even gossipy, although this was completely different than giggling over the neighbor's business with a friend. This was Riley, and this was not mere gossip. "I want you to explain it to me, Riley." Lia spoke softly, though there was a determination to her tone that told him she wasn't going to let it go. "I want to know what happened to you."
Riley had known he couldn't put her off forever. He'd hoped though. Hoped maybe she'd let it go for a little while. His mind was full and he was feeling warmer by the moment. If the room had had a fireplace he would've taken a look to be sure no one had lit it. He exhaled a breath silently through his nose before lifting his eyes to her face briefly, lingering long enough to memorize what she looked like before he spoke, his eyes on his fingers again.
"It was the end of my last tour. We'd been staying in a town with the locals doing carpentry and construction. Building a school and the furniture that would go into it. I was on security detail when the town was attacked by insurgents who held it under siege. They sent a kill squad in to find us and began killing locals to flush us out. Our orders were to stay put and maintain radio silence but I ..." His throat worked as he swallowed around some emotion he refused to allow to register on his face. "There was a little girl. Maybe four years old with big brown eyes. Her mother and aunts would bring the detail water and the little girl came along, bringing me some trinket or another." He took a deep breath; the longer he spoke, the quieter his voice became. "They had her, holding her up in the air and shouting for us to come out unless we wanted children's blood on our hands. Long story short, she died anyway and I was discharged from the military after 6 months hospital recovery and physical therapy." He didn't look at her as his voice trailed off, finishing the story.
Lia said nothing until Riley had finished speaking. Her chest had tightened and her throat felt dry and closed up and Lia knew there was nothing she could possibly say to make him feel better. Knowing Riley, it was likely something that haunted him, even to this day and while she felt a pang of guilt for making him tell her, she was still glad that he had opened up to her. Even if it broke her heart.
Biting her lip hard, Lia struggled with the thought of Riley having to deal with that on his own. Carrying it around with him with no proper outlet. Unfolding her arms, Lia reached down to take his hand. She brought it up to her face and placed it against her cheek. "I'm so sorry, Riley." There was nothing else she could say. Nothing. The only comfort she could offer him was this, her presence and touch and the knowledge that she would be there if he ever needed to vent or talk about... well, the past. Any part of it. She couldn't run away now. Not this time. "I know you did what you felt you had to do."
Riley was surprised that she was immediately unhappy with him for taking risks and getting a child killed. It was what went through his own mind whenever he thought about it. Which was fairly often because the scars from his injuries still twinged with pain periodically, affected by moisture in the weather. He still couldn't look up at her but whispered, "Her name was Sadira. The sound of her mother's cries, to this day ..." He squeezed the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes.
When Lia touched him, thoughts of his past were pushed aside. His brows furrowed slightly. He turned his hand against her cheek, cupping it gently and taking a closer look at her eyes for signs that she might be getting sick. It wouldn't surprise him considering what she'd just been through. Infections from animal attacks were common. Though he would've thought the hospital would've given her antibiotics and other medications. "Hey, are you feeling okay? You're really warm."
Lia simply couldn’t imagine the pain Riley probably dealt with on a daily basis. Physically and emotionally. More than anything she wished she could have turned back the clock, been there for him when he returned home after his first tour. Been the supporting wife she should have been and not a selfish twenty year old. If she had stayed, Riley wouldn’t have signed up for another tour, and he would have never experienced that kind of trauma. And maybe that little girl would have been alive as well. But it was dangerous to dwell on maybe and what if’s and Lia swallowed hard, trying to push away her own self loathing.
Closing her eyes briefly at the feel of his hand on her skin, Lia then looked at him, brows drawing together in brief confusion. “I feel fine, Riley. Much better than I had. Don’t worry about me.” She took his hand, bringing it to her lips so she could kiss his fingers. Her own health was the last thing on her mind right then. All she could see and feel was Riley. He became her focus as her eyes found his. “Can I see them? The scars?” He might not want to show her, but Lia had a strange, burning desire to see them for herself. “Would you show me?”
If Riley had been aware of the depth of her self-loathing he would have told her he was somewhat glad she hadn't been there when he got back. Glad she had never seen him at his worst. The anger and pain and the nightmares that had propelled him out of his home country to a brand new one to try to leave it all behind. He'd gotten into enough bar brawls before the Zs descended on America to know that if they hadn't, he probably would've ended up dead within a year. Instead, the Zs gave him something purely evil to fight against. There was no moral ambiguity when it came to killing what was already dead and intent on making you the same way. It had, in some senses, cleansed his soul and made him more ready to find her again than he would've been under other circumstances.
Any other time, Riley would've had a difficult time not losing the rest of reality to focus solely on her as her lips drew across his fingertips. But in the wake of his memories and on top of the fact she was much warmer than he'd ever felt her, he couldn't concentrate. He continued to look her over, his expression a mixture of confusion and concern. Something for certain was not right here but Lia seemed unaware of it. There was no secretive look in her eye, no evidence she was keeping something from him. He wanted to shrug it off but things were too strange.
"I... what?" he asked, having almost missed her question. "Why? Why... would you want to look at that?" His tone said he wasn't averse to showing her, just unsure why she'd have a desire to look at what the war had done to his body.
Lia was aware that something was off inside of her. She just wasn't sure what it was and was doing her best not to think about it too much. She wasn't completely healed, but she was way ahead of where she should have been,considering how much blood she lost. Lia preferred Gin's suggestion that maybe the bite felt worse than it was. Riley has been there, and she could have asked him, but she was afraid of the answer. Her senses were still in overdrive, but she wasn't sure how to explain it to anyone without sounding crazy.
Lia recognized the concern on his face but she didn't acknowledge it. She didn't want him worrying about her, nor did she want to have to face the terrifying changes going through her body. Thankfully her request seemed to have distracted him and Lia pressed another soft kiss to his knuckle. "Because they're a part of you, and what you went through. Because I should have been there when you came home. I should have been there to help you." Lia paused. "You don't have to show me, love. But I'll see them eventually anyway, won't I?" If they were to become intimate again, surely Lia would see his body, and he hers.
Riley's mind went to the possibility of them getting intimate at some point and he weighed the pros and cons of her seeing what she was getting into before it was a shock in the moment. He was hesitant too because there was still the possibility something surrounding this would trigger the anger he couldn't believe she wasn't yet exhibiting. His brows were still knit together some but his expression was easing some.
He stood and pushed his ledger away so he could sit on the desk beside her. She was most definitely giving off heat but he ignored it. She'd pointedly avoided talking about it and he knew better than try to continue to go there with her. Instead he brushed a strand of hair behind her ear, cupping her cheek with his palm again. "I should've been there too. And had you been there at that point, I might not have let you help me. You did what you felt you had to do," he said, echoing her statement to him earlier. He let his fingers trail away from her face. "If you want to see, I'd prefer it not happen in this room with that all the windows."
There was no anger yet. Lia had carried around so many years of resentment toward Riley, of the loneliness, worry and fear he put her through while he had been gone. There were the occasional nights when Lia had laid awake in bed, wondering what it was he had gone through while away from her. She had heard and read about PTSD, of what soldiers went through when they returned home after experiencing such traumas. Some turned to alcohol, some lost their families and jobs. Some committed suicide. That particular worry had kept her awake often over the years, and even if she hadn’t said so, she was beyond relieved to find that Riley seemed to have a good head on his shoulders, even now.
Her gaze followed him from the chair to the desk beside her, and Lia studied his face, wishing he would keep touching her. She wanted to bury her face in his neck, hold him against her and breathe him in. “I wouldn’t have cared if you hadn’t wanted my help,” Lia countered softly. “We swore for better or for worse, and I should have been there for the worse, Riley. But... yes, I want to see. Take me somewhere you would feel comfortable enough showing me.”
Riley nodded to her, acquiescing to her stubbornness. "You're right. You wouldn't have cared, I'm sure." He smiled slightly at her. "If I'd been there for the better I'm sure you would've been there for the worse."
He would never tell her about the times he'd thought he was done for and didn't care when he was in the midst of a fist fight. He had never been actively suicidal but there had been a good few times when his life just hadn't mattered anymore. With a mindset as messed up as that, he might not have given her a choice of helping. There might have been nothing she could do to bring him back. It might have been worse for their marriage than anything. She might have run further. Especially with Sophia involved. He shook his head slightly, shaking away those thoughts. It was useless to suppose what life could've been like if things had gone differently. They were together right now. That's what mattered the most in the grand scheme of things. And their daughter was down the hall, sleeping peacefully unaware of the struggle her parents had been through to ever come to this moment.
Gently he took her hand, getting to his feet to lead her through the kitchen to the stair leading to his bedroom at the top. "My room is up there. Is that okay with you or would you feel more comfortable in -" He was going to say "a room without a bed" but she wasn't some girl he'd just met and had to avoid giving the wrong idea. "Your room?"
As smart as it would have been to push aside the last several years, to start completely fresh, at least mentally, Lia knew it was impossible. It would be a long while before she was able to forget everything that had happened, and hadn't happened. All the thoughts she had been dwelling on, both the good and the bad. They could start over, but they couldn't pretend their life before this hadn't existed. Maybe eventually, though, they could find some peace with it. She held his hand tightly, comforted by the simple physical touch between them.
Glancing up the stairs, Lia then looked at him, a small smile playing at her lips. "I'm not afraid of your bedroom, Riley. Or your bed. I think that's where you would feel more comfortable, so that's where I want you to take me." That might have had a double meaning to it, if she was feel amorous enough to seduce him, but now wasn't the time, considering the circumstances.
They most certainly had a lot to work through because of the years apart, but there was nothing they could do to go back and change it. They had to move forward and ensure their future healed the past or decide to give up and go their separate ways as much as would be possible with a child involved. Riley hoped the outcome of this re-union was the former.
He ducked his head with almost a laugh. "No, I didn't figure so. Didn't want to assume though." And mostly he wanted her to know that his point in asking her to move out of the first room into a more private one hadn't been with the intention of trying to get her into his bed.
He led her up the stairs and closed the door behind them once inside his room. He sat on the chest at the foot of his bed and patted the surface beside him, inviting her to sit beside him. He wasn't quite sure how to begin the whole process of showing her what she wanted to see. He'd never set out to purposely show someone any part of him beneath his clothes though he had taken his shirt off a number of times while doing farm work when the heat was enough to warrant it. It was silly but he almost felt shy.
Riley Pollard, ever the gentleman. Lia appreciated it, although she could admit to herself that a part of her wished she was sleeping in his bed with him, instead of a private room alone. But Lia was aware that it could be awkward for the both of them, given the past and the fact that they hadn't taken their renewed relationship to a physical level yet.
When they were in his bedroom, Lia sat down beside him before reaching up to brush her fingers over the hair above his ear. "You don't have to if it makes you uncomfortable, love. If I had something to counter it with, I would do it." She had no scars, herself, and he already knew about the tattoo she had gotten of his initials on her ankle, right out of high school. "If you show me though, anything you want to know, now or later, I'll tell you."
"Not uncomfortable, no," he said, deciding to take the route of pure honesty. What did he have to hide from her about this now anyway? She'd heard the story. Well, one of them. "More like where to start, I guess." He held up a finger, giving a moment of thought before he started at the bottom. He lifted the right edge of his tshirt just enough so she could see the strange, rough patch of skin. He pulled her hand gently toward his skin but didn't force her to touch it; inviting her to do so if she liked.
He lifted a bit higher, exposing a pattern of smaller, silvery scars that ran like ribbons over differing parts of his abdomen, a mix of simple combat wounds and hazards from fighting Zs. He made no comment about them as they weren't all that noticeable anymore, not having been major.
When he reached his left pec there two round, white scars. They'd been through and through bullet wounds but he didn't explain because he didn't want to put more images into her mind than he already had. The doctors had told him he'd been lucky the trajectory had been down even though they'd exited through his hip in the back because they would've hit his heart otherwise. He then pulled his shirt completely off. His left shoulder bore three more round, white scars with twins on the back side. All five wounds had rendered the joints nearly immobile as he recovered and went through the physical therapy. Being downed like that had added so much to his anger. He didn't feel angry now.
Lia shifted on the chest to face Riley more directly, watching as he pulled his t-shirt up and off of his body. Her eyes were on his skin, taking in every inch he exposed, trying her best to ignore the way her stomach clenched painfully at the sight of them. Pressing her fingers gently against the round, white marks on his chest, Lia bit hard into her lip, aware of how he must have gotten them. And there were more on his shoulder. She had known there was always the possibility of him getting hurt, even shot, but seeing evidence of it now tore her up inside. How easy it would have been for him to die, just like that. How on earth had she been lucky enough to have him here, after all this time, across a damn ocean, alive and healthy.
Still silent, Lia ran her palm upward until she reached his shoulder where she slid the pad of her thumb over one of the scars that marred his skin. Exhaling softly, Lia brought her gaze to his face. “You could have died.” It was a simple statement, and Lia knew Riley was probably more than aware of that particular fact himself, but it was something she needed to say out loud, to hear it herself and acknowledge just what he had gone through. What she had run away from and tried to ignore for so long.
Riley's eyes were on her face periodically as he lifted his shirt and once he'd taken taken it off, his eyes were focused on her reaction to what she saw. His mouth was set in a firm line and his eyes struggled not to register hope. Hope that she didn't find him so damaged she couldn't look. Hope that she wouldn't choose now to get angry with him. He might be a man, strong-shouldered and stubborn as a bull, but what she thought of him mattered. It always had and it always would.
When she touched him, his eyes closed and he unconsciously took in a breath, holding it. The fact that they'd both come from so far away, been through as much as they had, and ended up here in the same place at the same time -- alive and safe and whole. Well, it wasn't lost on Riley. It was a miracle, one he'd never stop being grateful for no matter what happened. Even if she turned and walked way from him right now.
He opened his eyes when she spoke, exhaling though he hadn't even realized he'd been holding the breath. He nodded, his expression simple, quiet. "You could have died," he responded as a whole new thought pathway opened up in his mind. He hadn't been there to protect her from the zombies because he'd gone away to war and left her alone and unhappy. If he'd stayed, they would have been together through that storm. His heart sank at the guilt washing over him but he refused to let her see it.
A part of Lia wanted to be angry. If he hasn't had some misplaced need to prove himself to his father, he wouldn't have had these scars. He wouldn't have come so close to death. But even if there was anger buried inside, it was completely overwhelmed by her own guilt, as well as relief and maybe admiration. No matter what Lia found herself hung up on in terms of their relationship, that didn't change the fact that Riley had sacrificed everything to serve his country. She had just been too selfish back then to truly appreciate it.
There was nothing off putting about Riley's body to her. The scars he bore were his battle wounds. A permanent reminder of what he went through. A reminder that he had survived, despite the worst kind of odds. Lia couldn't possibly find him damaged because of that. She left her palm pressed gently against his shoulder, her gaze locked upon his.
"I could have, yes, but I didn't. Sophia was my incentive to stay alive. I was good with a gun and knew how to hide." It hadn't always been easy, and Lia had done a few things that continued to haunt her to this day, but she couldn't regret them. Not when it had meant protecting Sophia. Leaning forward, Lia moved her hand to press a kiss against one of the scars on his shoulder. "You're still absolutely gorgeous to me, Riley. Nothing could change that. If anything, these only make you more attractive. They're proof of the kind of man you are." She kissed another scar and then rested her forehead on his shoulder with a small sigh.
He couldn't help smile a bit and quip very quietly. "So it is true. Women do find scars sexy?" He smiled at her kisses, feeling as though they were a healing balm against the white, wrongness of his scars. He wrapped one arm around her gently, wanting to pull her onto his lap to simply hold her close. She felt good there, comforting. And he was glad she'd gotten him to show her. There was something intimate about this that seemed to solidify her more in his mind as a permanent facet of his current life. It bound her more to him than anything else had since their re-union, not even saving her from the wolf had felt as bonding.
"Thank you," he said softly, almost reverently. He was in awe of her. Utter awe in the face of her acceptance and lack of outrage. He wasn't sure what his feelings would have been in a reversed situation but he hoped he would have handled it with as much grace and tenderness as she had.
The militaristic side of him tugged at the corner of his mind to suggest he let her know that he'd like to see her shooting one day. He felt full of pride to know she had stepped up to that level. He hadn't known she had that in her but the fact she had it was something that attracted him to her more. He wanted to know more of her. About her. He felt like there was a lot they had never shared with each other when they'd been so young and just married. He hoped they could learn each other better in the days to come. Maybe find a way to forgive each other fully for the past and see each other as new people.
After smiling against his skin, Lia lifted her face toward his. She kept her hand pressed against his chest, not wanting to break the physical contact between them. Not wanting to ruin the moment by pulling away. Despite the progress they were making, sometimes it still felt like their relationship was still incredibly delicate, like any little crack could cause it to shatter. Lia was acutely aware of that fact, and she found she wanted to do everything she could to avoid destroying what they could potentially have again.
"Everything about you is sexy. Despite how you got them, the scars only make you sexier." That much was absolutely true. While she wished he had never been in the position to get hurt in the first place, all Lia could do now was be thankful he had pulled through it. She would rather his entire body be marred with the reminders of war than to be buried in the ground. But now that he was there with her, Lia wanted nothing more than to protect him. To keep him alive, and safe. She knew he felt the same way about her, and Sophia. That was part of the reason she was so vehemently against his wanting to hunt down the animal that had attacked her. Lia simply couldn't risk losing him again.
Brushing her hand through his hair, Lia let her fingers linger at the nape of his neck before she pulled him down so she could press a brief, soft kiss against his lips. "Thank you for showing me," she murmured.
"Are you sure you're not talking about yourself?" he asked quietly, a hint of smile in her voice.
That they were finally alone, in a bedroom, with nothing to interfere with whatever they wanted to do with each other occurred to Riley as she tilted her face up toward his. It would have been so easy to kiss her. Yet this wasn't the moment for that. At least, that was how he felt. There was something more important happening than physical intimacy to him. He had no urge to pull her onto the bed. He only wanted to hold her. Feel her fingers in his hair, her warmth and solidness against his chest. Not that he was at all averse to responding just as softly to her kiss when she gave it, his fingers lightly stroking her cheek.
"You're welcome. What's mine is yours." He'd said that a number of times just after they'd gotten married, wanting to share everything with her. Experience everything with her. That he had then left her behind. That his father's approval was more important than the woman he'd pledged to spend the rest of his life with. It would never settle right in his mind. He'd like to go back and teach his younger self a lesson or two.
Lia acknowledged what he said with a small noise in her throat. While they were still married, it was still a little jarring inside to hear something Riley had said before, when they were together, back home. They were trying to find their footing again, and they still lived apart. Her wedding ring was still in her drawer at home, having left her finger six years ago. It was just a strange, unsettling feeling that spread through her, and Lia wasn't entirely sure she could describe it, even to herself.
Closing her eyes, Lia did her best to push down any uneasiness she had begun to feel, focusing instead on how his fingers felt on her cheek. It had been a rough couple of days, between getting bit by a wolf, dealing with the overwhelming senses that pummeled her day and night, hearing Riley's war experience and seeing his scars. It felt oddly instinctual to pull him down to her again and crush her mouth to his more forcefully this time. It was the way he felt beneath her fingers, the heat radiating from his body, the way his scent drew her in. Lia wasn't entirely sure why she needed it, but she did.
For Riley, his mind was slowly allowing him to forget the past and move forward. Whether or not that was a good idea, he wasn't even thinking about that. He had what he wanted. Not entirely but enough of it with hope for more if they could learn to be comfortable with each other again. He didn't want to remember anything he'd forgiven her for and he didn't want to deal with anything but the future. So it was easy for him to allude to the past, slip into old patterns, and say things he'd said to her before anything had separated them. It didn't occur to him she didn't feel the same. Especially when she kissed him like that.
Part of Riley's mind registered surprise. It was fleeting as he returned her kiss, his lips moving against hers. She was so warm. A soft, "mmm" resonated from his throat. He pulled her tightly against his chest, all thoughts of simply wanting to hold her gone from his mind.
Both the past and the future vanished from her mind when he held her close. All that mattered was now, at that very moment, in his bedroom with his arms around her. Lia would have been happy enough to have forgotten the entire world around them. Riley was the only thing filling her senses at the moment, and Lia cupped his face, drawing out the kiss as long as she could before she needed to breathe. It was extremely difficult not to straddle his lap, or push him onto his bed. She felt overheated and her mind was a little fuzzy, which she tried to attribute to the pain killers they had sent home with her. Only she hadn't been in a whole lot of pain
and hadn't taken many to begin with.
Brushing her fingers back into Riley's hair, Lia glanced down at his mouth again before her gaze found his. "Is this a bad idea?" she whispered, unsure of the answer herself.
Riley had the urge again to pull her onto his lap, though this time it wasn't as innocently thought as it had been before. His fingers pressed into her skin through the tank top she wore, sliding up her back to give the ends of her hair a gentle tug. He was enjoying the heady sensation of having her flush against him again where it felt like she belonged and he was not sure he'd be able to put the brakes on this time. They were in a private place and each time his fingers grazed skin her top wasn't covering, it was even more difficult to decide whether this should happen or not.
When she pulled away from the kiss, he breathed in deeply, eyes heavy lidded for a moment. There was a beat before his mind reconnected then he replied quietly, "It feels awfully good. But are you ready for this?"
Lia knew she was ready for it. She had wanted it to happen since she first laid eyes on him again in the dome. It would have happened already if she hadn't gone outside to gather firewood the night that wolf attacked her. But now that they were alone, pressed so closely to one another, Lia felt a small sliver of panic. She knew something was off. Something had been off since she had gotten bitten. It had nothing to do with Riley and everything to do with her. There were the heightened senses that continually caused her headaches and confusion. But there was more.
There was an intense need to be with Riley. To possess him. To protect him, despite knowing full well he was capable of protecting himself. She couldn't quite explain it, and while Lia knew she loved him, it felt deeper now. Like maybe she wouldn't survive it if something happened to him, or he left her. It was ridiculous, yes, and Lia felt silly for even harboring such thoughts, but they continued to linger in her mind, despite her best efforts to ignore them. Exhaling softly, Lia leaned in to press her face against his neck, kissing his pulse point gently. "I love you, Riley."
Riley had been feeling the something off all day, especially this evening. Her request to see his scars and then her kisses had successfully pushed it out of his mind for a bit but now that she was hesitating, his mind was walking back toward wondering just what was going on with her. He wanted her. Badly. And he'd admit that openly but not until he understood what was making the hairs on the back of his neck stand up when she kissed it. As though she might suddenly attempt to devour him like a vampire. Which was pretty damned silly but if there were zombies…. why not vampires? Though wouldn't a vampire be cold? Lia was hot -- hot like she was running a fever hot. At least, that's what it felt like to him. Maybe he was overly worked up after the emotional reveal of his scarred body and then being caught off guard by her fierce kiss.
"I love you too, Lia," he said softly, not sure if that was a yes or a no to his question of whether or not she was ready. His fingers brushed along the small of her back, grazing a sliver of skin and setting his pulse beating just a bit faster. He mentally held his breath, not sure what the right move was all of a sudden. He didn't want to ruin the moment now that he had her so close. Keeping her seemed far more important than consummating their renewed relationship right now.
She could practically sense the shift in his demeanor, though she couldn't quite pinpoint what it was she thought he was feeling. She could have sworn she heard his heart beating, but that wasn't possible. It just wasn't. Lia could tell that he wanted her, and it was taking every ounce of willpower not to tear the rest of his clothes off of him. But it felt... unsettling. Like it had more to do with a fierce instinct to have him than a simple, sweet desire to consummate their relationship. She hadn't had sex in six, incredibly long, frustrating years, and Lia wondered if it was the opportunity presenting itself now that had her hot and achy. Deep down she knew it was more than that. It was everything that had been wrong with her since that wolf bit into her shoulder. There was something wrong with her now, and she didn't know what it was. And that was a frightening thought.
Pulling back from Riley, Lia stood abruptly, needing to put some space between them before she lost control of herself. "This feels like it would be the perfect time, Riley... only it's not."
That's exactly what he'd been thinking and feeling. His entire body was saying yes but his mind was definitely saying no. He pursed his lips wryly, feeling the incredible loss of her warmth and closeness when she stood. This was impossible. The sexual tension between them was beyond anything he'd ever felt before and were he another man, he might not have cared what his instincts were telling him other than the ones telling him to pull her back, throw her onto the bed, and have his way. It was a pinprick of wrongness that had him thinking rather than doing and he sighed with frustration, pinching the bridge of his nose. His shoulders slumped slightly and he pulled his shirt back on.
"No, you're right. Something's off." He watched her quietly. The constant on and off of their physical relationship was beginning to take its toll on him but he tried to be more concerned with figuring out what exactly was happening here with her. Was she sick? Had she gotten some sort of infection from the wolf's bite that hadn't been healed at the hospital? That wouldn't explain how she'd healed so quickly from her injury though. He frowned, his brows furrowing together.
Lia was aware that he felt frustrated with the entire situation, and she did too. Because she had left her bedroom earlier that night with the intent of finding Riley and giving herself to him again. Maybe she hadn't realized it at the time, but she knew it now. Lia had never been one to let her desires rule her, but tonight she had been willing to ignore everything just to have him again.
"I'm sorry," Lia said after a moment of watching his face. "I don't know what it is. I know that I want you. I know that I found you tonight because I wanted this to happen. But I feel like it's a...purely physical craving, and I need it to be more for us. It scares me right now, how badly I want you." She wasn't sure if she was explaining it properly or just sticking her foot in her mouth, but Lia couldn't just walk out of his bedroom without trying to make him understand. "I don't really know what's happening."
Riley sat watching her, not sure what to say or do at this point. He pulled a pillow onto his lap and rested his arms on it. She probably needed understanding right now and he was trying hard to get there in his mind. What she said was a little confusing too so he opened his mouth to ask a question, seek some clarity, but he wasn't sure what to ask. So he closed his mouth, shaking his head. He knew he needed to say something because he didn't want her to think he was angry with her. "I - so - um. Hm," he started, his brain thwarting his effort to speak by bringing nothing to mind to say.
Purely physical… and I need it to be more… That was the bit that struck him then. "Are you saying … what are you saying about it being purely physical? Are you saying that you don't really love me like you said?"
He forced his tone to be only inquisitive, not judgmental but his mind was filling with what ifs and beginning to track back through their interactions for how he could've missed that she hadn't meant what she'd said. Could he really have misread every single thing since they'd first discovered they were together in the dome, alive? He supposed it was possible considering he hadn't known her in the six years they were apart. She'd survived a lot in that time and he knew war changed a person. Had he just seen what he wanted to see?
His question threw her, and Lia wondered if she had bungled it so badly that Riley honestly thought she had lied, or didn't mean what she said. Did he think she would say she loved him if she hadn't meant it? "No, Riley," Lia whispered. "I'm not saying that. I couldn't... wouldn't tell you I loved you if I didn't. It's not... I just meant..." Trailing off, Lia could feel herself starting to get frustrated. If she couldn't understand it herself, how could she expect him to? She licked her lips and took another step back before pushing her hair behind her ears and sighing. Maybe she should have just stayed in her room earlier.
Feeling almost pained, Lia looked at him again, holding his gaze. "I want to be with you. I want... when we have sex again, I guess I want it to be... more than just what I'm feeling right now. Right now I want..." She wanted to tear his clothes off and devour him. Not in a literal sense, of course, but in a way that probably wouldn't last very long for either of them. "I just wanted a chance to take it slow, and experience you again. Right now, I'm not feeling slow, or patient." Exhaling slowly, Lia rubbed her fingers over her eyes. "Maybe I should just leave before I muck this up even more."
Riley took a breath and nodded. "That's good to know," he answered, willing his mind to trust that she meant that. "I didn't -" he paused, not wanting to lie to her and say he hadn't figured she would if he'd questioned it just a moment ago in his own mind. Instead he finished, "I didn't want to think that you would."
Okay, it had to be on her terms. He got that. He wondered though how she could figure two people who hadn't had sex in six years could maintain some semblance of self control enough to go slow the first time around. Was she playing a game with him? Whenever they'd been physically close it had always had a somewhat frenzied feel to it, like they couldn't get enough of each other. To hear her say she wanted to go slowly felt like the wrong explanation to him. At least, the speed hadn't been what he'd felt was off about this.
He was trying to figure out a sentence to say to sum up what he thought she was saying but he couldn't. She loved him and wanted to have sex with him but when they were going to have sex she stopped and said she wanted to go slow? Somehow sex was becoming a focal point. In his mind if they didn't decide to either do it and clear that tension or agree to not touch each other it was going to fast become the center of their renewed relationship. A white elephant they couldn't get past while the rest of their relationship went untended. Whatever they decided, he didn't want them to be entirely about anticipation of sex. He knew that much for certain.
He looked toward the window, running his hand up the back of his hair. "I think maybe we should avoid anything physical for a while."
Yes, she had bungled it. Lia cursed at herself mentally, wishing she could tell him she was scared but she couldn't. Something was happening to her and maybe it wasn't his burden to bear. She had to figure it out and deal with it before it ruined whatever it was they were trying to rebuild. Lia stared at Riley as he spoke, realizing that maybe he had believed she would lie to him about loving him. And it wouldn't be fair of Lia to get upset about it, because she had loved him in the past and disappeared without a word, so what was to stop him from not trusting her words now? "Fuck," Lia muttered, scrubbing her hands over her face. Her mind felt jumbled, confused. It was frustrating that she couldn't articulate what she wanted to say. She couldn't shake him and ask him to understand what she meant. She couldn't ask him to help her when she didn't know what was wrong. And now he didn't even want to touch her?
Her chest tightened painfully and Lia lowered her hands to her sides. He thought they should avoid anything physical. Touching? Holding one another? Kissing? He didn't want any of it? If he didn't, it was clearly her fault for fumbling through trying to explain that she didn't just want a fuck the first time she was with him after six years. Maybe she should have just said that to begin with. Because now he was doubting her feelings for him. Not wanting to touch her. Feeling a bit overheated, as if her heart was racing, Lia rubbed her hand over her forehead before nodding. "Okay, if that's... what you want.” She was beginning to think that maybe staying there had been a bad idea after all. To her absolute horror, tears began to fill in her eyes and while she tried to force herself to leave the bedroom as quickly as she could, Lia sat back down on the chest near his bed, burying her face in her hands in the process. Why couldn’t she stop fucking her life up? Lia felt as though she were getting pretty damn close to perfecting the art of a screw up.
Riley frowned, looking back toward her to get a sense of the feeling behind her response. She was fine with that? No argument? He refused to let his mind wander into what ifs again. He was too exhausted for that right now. "Okay," he said so quietly she may not have even heard him. He was about to toss the pillow on the bed and stand up to leave when she started to cry. What the ever-living... His eyes widened.
"Hey, no, it's not what I want," he said, a hand automatically going out to touch her, to comfort her, but he hesitated and it fell back to the pillow on his lap. "I ... Lia, it's just," he paused, his tone beyond sheepish as he admitted, "It's just getting a little, um, physically painful..." He swallowed, unable to believe he'd even said that out loud. But if they were married, she had the right to know. "And I feel like the longer we dance around being completely intimate, the more it's going to hang over us and become what we're about. If we don't tease at it we can focus on working on other things. I don't know. Am I making any sense?"
As soon as it was out of his mouth he realized how close to an ultimatum that came to sounding and he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose again. He answered his own question, "No, I'm not. My mind has been running this entire gauntlet of what ifs behind why this is happening right now. I'm thinking things that I should just be asking you about. This, our attempt to reconcile, feels like walking on eggshells sometimes. It's so much easier, for me at least, to concentrate on the physical aspect because it was the simplest way of expressing myself to you. But right now it has gone from the place least likely to be a minefield to exploding in my face with confusion and frustration. And something isn't right with you tonight, either. I can feel it."
Despite her emotional outburst, of which she was still appalled at, Lia choked back a watery laugh when he said their lack of intimacy was getting painful. It wasn't funny, by any means but it was Riley, her Riley, practically admitting to blue balls. Sniffling softly, Lia brushed her fingers over her cheeks impatiently, hating that she had been unable to keep herself from tears. It might have been okay later, when she was sleeping alone, but not here in front of Riley. Lia had prided herself on being strong for nearly six years, but it felt like the combination of everything over the past week or so was finally catching up to her.
Turning to look at him, Lia listened to what he was saying, occasionally lifting her hand again to try and dry her eyes. "I don't mean to confuse, or frustrate you," she whispered. Despite what he suggested earlier, Lia reached out to take his hand. "And I don't want to avoid being affectionate with you, Riley. I love you. I need you. I need... this." She squeezed his hand and lifted it to press against her damp cheek. "Trying to keep our hands off one another is just as much of a tease, if not worse, than touching one another without it leading anywhere. And you're right. Something has been off with me tonight. It's been... difficult since I woke up in the hospital. I just don't know what it is, and it's scaring me." Releasing a slow breath, Lia didn't want to let go of his hand, despite knowing she probably should. "I don't want to lose you again. And I do want you. I've never stopped wanting you. I just don't want it to be when I'm not feeling like myself. I'm sorry for frustrating you."
Riley smiled slightly at her laugh, hoping he had smoothed a little of it over between them. He really didn't want to give up touching her or hugging her but he wasn't sure what else to do. This was new territory for him in a lot of respects. Especially having a woman he loved but wasn't sure he knew very well anymore crying right beside him. That was a new one. He loved her for being willing to let him see her that way though. Knowing she felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable to that extent around him meant a lot.
He nodded as she spoke, not necessarily agreeing about how much more of a tease it would be to not touch considering that never led to any kind of discomfort for him. But he could understand mostly where she was coming from. He gave her hand a squeeze in return and reached out to brush away the remnant of a tear from her cheek with his thumb. "I love you too which is why it's got me worried that you're going through something that I don't understand and can't help you with. But if there is anything I can do, I'll do it. You're not going to lose me." He paused a moment before tentatively asking, “Would you feel any better if you didn't have to sleep alone?" His eyes held nothing but care for her in them, his offer innocent.
Lia would have probably agreed that Riley didn't know her terribly well anymore. Not the woman she had become over the past six years, but she didn't know who he had become yet either. Every now and then she caught snippets of the man he had become, like tonight when she asked to see his scars, to hear how he had got them. Lia knew her heart still responded to him because if she didn't love him anymore, she wouldn't have wanted to get to know Riley as he was today, but she did. All she could do was hope that Riley wasn't terribly disappointed with her, especially when he realized she had traumas of her own. They weren't nearly as awful as what Riley had gone through during the war, but there were mental scars Lia still carried with her. She was flawed, and she knew it. She just tried to focus so hard on Sophia, and being a passable mother that she rarely let those memories surface. But she wanted to be someone Riley deserved, because she hadn't been when he left for war.
Breathing in deeply, Lia considered going to see Micah. They were friends, and he was a doctor. She could tell him what was happening and maybe he would have some answers. If not, Lia would have to try and find a way to convince herself that she wasn't going crazy. A faint smile played at Lia's lips, and her gaze drifted to their joined hands. "Would you let me sleep with you tonight?"
Riley had more he could've said but he kept quiet. It could all be said at another time when things were less in emotional upheaval. Not that they seemed to ever be together without something tossing them up and down the roller coaster. He wondered if they would always be like this or if it ever could just be peaceful between them. He didn't mind passion and force behind actions, he'd lived that over in the war and it became part of him in some ways. But the whole battle to understand the differences that had occurred in both of them since they had last been together all those years ago. It was not something he was sure he could handle for years into the future. He hoped they'd find common ground somehow. It wouldn't be easy but he'd fight for it. For her.
Chastely he kissed the top of her hand, affection rather than desire behind the gesture. He wanted to know what was happening with her but that could also wait. If she had no idea, there was nothing that either one of them could do right then. He'd have to satisfy himself with knowing she was close and safe. To Riley there was nowhere safer for her to be than by his side. "What's mine is yours," he repeated quietly, mirroring her slight smile.
Lia knew that a lot of the emotions tonight had been triggered by the fears that being bitten by that animal had done something to her. She didn't know if it was an infection, or something far worse and the physical and mental changes she was experiencing were something she had a hard time explaining to Riley. She wasn't sure he would understand if she tried. Would he even want to try and understand? What if something was really wrong with her? Would Riley take the easy way out and run away? These were questions that were jumbled and frightening, but Lia couldn't focus on them just then. Not until she was able to talk to someone and try to find out why she had healed so quickly, among other things.
It was tough enough working on their relationship without this happening to her. Lia knew it wouldn't always be this hard. They had only recently found one another again, and while she felt they were making progress, she couldn't assume things would be perfect and smooth after such a short amount of time together. Riley had wanted to know if she would stay this time, even when things got rough. Lia knew she would. But would he?
Releasing a soft sigh, Lia slipped her fingers through his, feeling spent and exhausted. "And what's mine is yours," Lia told him quietly. They had said for better or for worse, so many years ago. Maybe this time it would mean something. "I know I've never made things terribly easy on you. I'm sorry for that."
Riley's lips twitched upward at the corners as she echoed his statement. He wondered if she meant it as across the board as he did but he wasn't going to question or push it tonight. Especially when she was dealing with whatever it was she was going through. He nodded at her apology. "I'd say it's okay but we both know that's not true. But I do forgive you. I haven't made things easy on you either, Lia. I hope you can forgive me too."
He shook his head at himself. He'd been a sentimental idealist when he'd left her for the war. Thought nothing would ever change and they were unshakeable. He'd set off a tremor worse than he could have imagined. He felt guilty, if he thought about it, for how that must have made her feel. He wanted to do whatever he could now to show her that he would never make that kind of choice ever again. Which was why he was here now and not out hunting wolves. He'd given his word and he was keeping it. And in some ways he was glad that there had not been a general call for help with that. It made it easier to stay honest with Lia.
Slowly he stood. He was still in his day clothes. "Give me a sec." He grabbed a tshirt and shorts from his dresser and slid into the en suite bathroom to change and give himself a moment away to wind his mind the rest of the way down. He wasn't sure when she'd be ready for bed but he was feeling like it needed to sleep soon himself. The day felt like it had been so long. He emerged quickly and tossed his clothes in the wicker hamper in the corner.
Forgiveness was a process, as much as rebuilding their marriage was. But while the past still festered between them and couldn't quite be forgotten yet, Lia was finding it easier to look ahead to what they could be, rather than what they had been. Maybe Gin was right. She and Riley were star crossed, and what were the chances of them both ending up in Delphi? It had to mean something. Someone, or something, was giving them a second chance. And Lia had to try her damnest not to screw it up this time. She released his hand, watching him as he disappeared into the bathroom.
As he was changing, Lia stood, breathed in deeply before exhaling slowly, and then turned to crawl onto his bed. She was exhausted and hoped to get some rest. She hadn't been able to sleep very well in the hospital with all the noise. And hopfully she would wake early enough that she could be up when Sophia woke. Turning onto her side, Lia pressed her face gently into the pillow, breathing in Riley's scent. It felt as if this is where she should have been all along. Rolling onto her back against when Riley re-emerged, Lia pushed herself up on her hands to watch him. "I don't mind falling asleep alone if you still have things you need to take care of."
Riley turned on the nightstand light and flicked the wall switch. There was a flood light on the back part of his property that shown like moon glow through the room. It would never be completely dark in here unless he went and turned it off. Which would not happen with wolves in he dome. Not a chance.
"No, I'm exhausted. I was just going to check in with you earlier and then hit the sack. I'm ready for sleep." Especially after the last half hour or so. He slid into the bed on the opposite side, mentally noting that it might be a bit easier for them to share a bed together now since he'd gone from all over to sleeping in one place thanks to the necessity for it in the military. He rested on his side on his elbow, looking at her and couldn't help smile the way he always did when he was finding her beautiful. Instead of saying so, he lightly joked, "Besides, I finally got you into bed. I'm not going anywhere." He kissed her forehead gently and then pounded down his pillow a little.
Smiling softly, Lia reached out to brush some hair away from his forehead. She wanted to give him a proper kiss goodnight, but given the last two kisses he had placed on her hand and forehead were fairly innocent, even chaste, Lia didn't want to do anything more to make him uncomfortable. She had already done enough damage tonight. "You're the first man I've shared a bed with since the night before you left," Lia murmured. "Feels so long ago... but I remember it like it happened yesterday. I missed this." Even if they were fully clothed, it didn't matter. Just being near him relaxed her and Lia slipped her arm around his waist, scooting to lay closer to him.
"I'm glad that you are not another man sharing my bed. Those guys were stinky and sweaty," he murmured, trying to smile and relax. He slid his arm beneath her neck, resting it around her shoulders, enjoying her closeness. He'd have liked a goodnight kiss as well but he was sure he wouldn't be able to control himself if they even cracked that door open just now. It had been so long. It felt like much longer and he hoped he wouldn't wake her if he had one of his nightmares. Perhaps having her beside him would soothe his mind enough to sleep peacefully. He hoped so. "I've missed this too. I've missed you," he said quietly, reaching to turn out the lamp on the nightstand.