John James Searle (inneedofrepair) wrote in the_colony, @ 2010-12-31 23:01:00 |
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Entry tags: | ^ week 24, alice munroe, john james searle, | alice and searle |
Week 24 - Thursday afternoon
Characters: Alice and Searle.
Location: The kitchen.
Summary: Searle goes to talk to Bridget, but finds Alice instead. What was supposed to be Searle being “extra nice” to Alice (per orders from Bridget) turns into Searle giving Alice some tough love.
Rating: PG, maybe PG-13 for some words.
It was Thursday afternoon, and Searle found himself at Bridget’s door only a handful of hours after he’d met with her in the kitchen. The way he’d left had been abrupt, and he’d been a bit too flustered to say bye properly, so he thought he might check up on Bridget again to see if she needed anything and, more importantly, to try to make up for the fact that he’d kind of flaked on her before.
“Bridget?” Searle knocked on the door lightly.
Bridget had put herself down for a nap about a half hour earlier, and only stirred slightly at the knock on the door. The young woman mumbled something in her sleep and pulled the blanket a little closer around her and her nest of pillows she used to try and get to a comfortable position. Alice had looked at the door at the knock, then over to her sleeping friend. She frowned slightly before closing her book, sliding off her bed and moving quickly but quietly to the door to open it.
“She’s resting,” Alice said through the crack, relaxing just a little at the sight of the young man on the other side. “I’ll tell her you came by, Johnny.”
“Oh,” Searle answered, at first looking as though he would leave it at that and turn around, but instead he put his hand on the door so Alice couldn’t close it on him. “That’s okay, I’ve been meaning to talk to you, too.”
Alice’s brows arched slightly, pressing her lips together in a thin line before nodding and pulling out of the bedroom, shutting it quietly behind her. “Kitchen?” she asked quietly. Searle nodded.
The trip to the kitchen was silent, and when they arrived Searle took his time pulling a chair away from the table so he could sit. He waited for Alice to get settled as well before he spoke, but even then he wasn’t sure what he could say.
“How are you?” was the best he could come up with, especially when what he overheard of her fight with Jed on Sunday night echoed through his mind.
What a loaded question, Alice thought immediately, her expression straining a little.
“A little better,” she answered slowly. Obviously there was no denying what he was asking about and if that were the case, she didn’t have to ask if he’d heard or not. She felt the ache in her chest grow intense for a moment before she was able to calm herself again.
“I think this week has been kind of crappy for everyone,” Searle said. “The doctor told Bridget she can’t do even more stuff, and I missed the beginning of my guard duty yesterday so Tom made me do laps.”
Alice’s eyes widened slightly at the last part. She’d heard about Bridget’s last appointment, but Tom hadn’t told her about Searle’s having been late to his guard duty. Well, I don’t need to know every single thing, she reminded herself. She licked her lips, ready to back up Tom’s methods, but then bit it back. It seemed unnecessary, but she was at least glad that Searle respected Tom enough to do as he was asked. Unlike Jack...
“Yeah,” she said finally, feeling a little lame.
“Uh....” Alice wasn’t the only one to feel lame; in fact, Searle blamed himself for the awkwardness of the conversation.
“I have a problem, too,” Searle ventured on, sounding anything but confident. “It’s a love problem. Well, not love love, but it’s with Jack.” Maybe, he thought, if he could relate to Alice somehow she’d open up to him. As it was, he felt very far removed from her.
“I’m not exactly the best person to talk to about relationships right now, Johnny,” Alice said without pause, a flash of heat rising up into her face.
“And,” Searle continued, as if he hadn’t heard Alice, “we were kissing and that’s why I missed the beginning of guard duty. Tom says Jack’s too young, that maybe - maybe I could meet someone my own age or be with someone older, and I realized I want to.” He looked away from Alice to stare hard at the table in front of him instead.
The rushed confession left her both surprised and confused, before she caught up with the implications. He’s hitting on me, she thought, floored. She hadn’t gotten that kind of roundabout rambling speech about kissing and love since she was Searle’s age, from a very different brown-haired boy with pretty green eyes. Peter had been her best friend for years, but when he’d gone away for camp one summer and came back almost a foot taller than her with muscle in his shoulders and arms from crew... there’d been no denying that her feelings had changed for him. The sudden memory was quick to drain some of the awkwardness and giddiness out of her at such forwardness.
“John,” she said quietly, her eyes stuck somewhere between his face and the table herself. “I’m flattered that you could look at someone like me and be interested. It’s the best compliment you could give me. And I can imagine how frustrated you are right now. If things were like they were s’posed to be, you’d be in high school with girls all over you, begging to be your girlfriend.” She tried to smile, but her lips wouldn’t move the way she wanted them to. “And I won’t give you the puberty and horny teenager crap; sometimes it feels like I only just got over it myself sometimes. It’s hard hearing someone tell you to wait when every part of your body is screaming at you not to.”
Alice risked a touch to his forearm, resting her hand there. “But she is young. And not only that, but she’s your friend. Sometimes blurring the lines can be wonderful and perfect, but only when both people feel it. I ended up married with a baby from my first true love, and he’d been my best friend, but when I tried that same formula again with Jed, it didn’t work out the same way.” She intentionally left out Leo for the sole purpose that they had known so little about each other when they first met (she knew that now) and because with them... it had been such a different kind of attraction; sudden and intense, leaving no room for reason or argument.
“I know that... doesn’t... really apply to how you feel about me, but that’s a very different animal that I don’t know how to handle right now aside from the fact that I’m a mess and I wouldn’t wish that on you. Fully-realized adult men have trouble being the rebound guy. You deserve more.”
The air between them after Alice’s speech was tense and heavy, at least on Searle’s end, but he managed to look up through it at her. His eyes were wider than usual, inquiring, and relayed just how much he was turning her words over in his mind. Searle hadn’t expected anything even close to what Alice had said in reply; actually, he’d been expecting her to say nothing. So, when she said everything he had to take a minute, and then he shook his head.
“That’s not what I’m asking you,” he finally answered. “I just want you to stay, I just want you to care about us. I want you to care about me as much as I care about you.” Searle turned his head away from Alice again, because he couldn’t hope to keep his eyes on her and control his emotions at the same time. “I don’t think you do.”
At first, Searle had been relieved Alice had come back, and it’d canceled out any disappointment or anger he could feel about her leaving in the first place, but now those emotions burned in the forefront of his chest. “It really sucks to see people you love leave. You came back, but if you really cared you wouldn’t have left in the first place.”
Alice pulled her hand back swiftly as if she’d been burned, shoving it under the table with the other. It was her turn to stare at the tabletop. “You’re not the first to say that,” she said quietly. “Probably won’t be the last, either.” She closed her eyes, taking a slow breath before letting it out. “I was being selfish and fixated on my own heartbreak. I wasn’t thinking. I came back because some part of me knew that; knew how my leaving would upset people. I do care. I’m just not very good at showing it.”
“You do show it.” Searle sighed as he spoke, because he knew he was contradicting himself. “You work hard for us and you always have, but I feel like I get punched in the gut every time someone leaves. What the hell out there is so much better?”
“Honestly?” Alice replied, her face twisting just a little in sadness and regret. “Nothing anymore. People chasing dreams, usually. Everyone who was evacuated and separated from people might be looking for the ones they love. Everyone I loved is dead. Or here.”
“Same for me, and it’s the people who are here who matter.” Even as he spoke with conviction, his heart lurched in his chest. Sometimes he would give anything to be with his parents again, even if it was only to sit at their graves, but as Alice had said, that was a selfish fixation on his own heartbreak. It was a stupid way to think.
“Don’t throw everything away and push everyone away because you feel bad.” Searle decided he had enough strength to chance looking toward Alice again, and he studied her face. “I know… I’m not going to be the person who drags you back in and makes you want to stay, but I think it’s worth something that,” he swallowed, “I love you - and so does everyone else.”
His words were enough to incite emotion in her, and she felt just as weak and pitiful at the near-breakdown when he’d found her the day she came home from her not-quite vacation. Only this time, there was no stopping the tears. It seemed to her that all she was made up of was tears those days.
“I’m starting to get that now,” she said in a gravelly voice aimed at the tabletop with a watery smile. Searle also tried to smile, but as he was working hard at holding back his own tears it didn’t work out very well. Instead, he placed his hand on her shoulder and gave it a pat.
“That’s good,” he said, in a voice tellingly tight.
Alice gave a wet laugh, brought her arm up to pull across her eyes, then cleared her throat uselessly. “Does that answer all your questions and concerns, then? I wasn’t expecting to get raked across the coals again so quickly. You should’ve heard what Bridget said.”
The urge to apologize pressed in against him, but Searle fought it. He was sorry to make Alice cry, but not about what he’d said, and he was sure he would agree with whatever Bridget had said as well.
“Yeah, I guess.” If he still wasn’t trying to swallow a lump in his throat he might have sounded sheepish. “I didn’t mean to say all those things when I first asked you to talk, but I’m glad I did. I’m also glad you started talking back.” If she’d given him one word answers the whole time, or said nothing, he probably would have yelled at her.
Alice gave another weak sort of smile she didn’t quite feel, nodding slightly. Talking. She’s never been very good at that, even before the world changed. She could talk up a storm once she started, but it was the starting that was hard. The starting and the continuing.
“If you want, you can go.” It felt strange to give Alice permission to leave, but it seemed like the conversation was over. Searle pulled his hand back from her shoulder and rested it on the table.
“Yeah...” she murmured, then reached across the table to put her hand over his, gave it a squeeze, then released it to stand. “I’ll seeya ‘round.”
Searle offered Alice a small smile. “All right.”