InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "His name is Brian Kinney"

Josh Foley (fatedtouch) wrote in tensor,
@ 2011-03-23 02:35:00

Entry tags:

josh_foley, kurt_darkhoelme

Without his instruments to play - not that he would play them if he still could - Josh's therapist had commissioned a painting. It was non-negotiable and was due at the end of the week. Outlets were outlets for a reason, apparently. And if Josh could best communicate only through creative expression, then expression was going to be seen to. Whether or not Josh liked it.

Generally, Josh had music playing in the background when he painted. But music no longer held any allure. So he let his thoughts feed his white noise.

He'd been working for three days. Seeing to his mandatory studio time. The requirement wasn't putting any undue stress on his schedule. So he couldn't try and wiggle out of it. Surprisingly, the painting was coming along solidly. He wasn't losing anything between his breaks of class, meals, practice and sleep. If anything, it seemed to be forming faster.

He pulled the brush against the canvas, blue swirling with the darker shades. Layers of it. One upon another spanning the entire canvas from corner to corner. He wasn't ready to touch the central figure. Wasn't ready to admit it to himself yet. That would be last. He still had time.

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	fatedtouch 2011-03-24 01:17 pm UTC (link)
	Josh shook his head, knee drawing away from the touch. He wrapped both arms about his middle and rocked forward until he was on his feet. His skin glowed slightly as he tried to force his body to stop, even as his emotions just poured out unchecked. As he wandered off, Kurt had an unobstructed view of his canvas. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

tensor_mods
2011-03-24 05:27 pm UTC (link)

Kurt glanced at the piece with a grimace. Though he might be neither an artist nor a psychotherapist there was no denying that it was a bleak scene. He shifted his attention back to Josh, though, as the boy moved away, unsteady and still sobbing like his heart was broken. The fact that his powers were apparently spiraling again was just one more indicator of what a wreck he was.

"Josh." Kurt let him have his space, for the moment, and didn't follow him, but his voice was warm and clear and pitched to cut through the sobbing and - hopefully - capture Josh's attention. "What happened with Julian?"

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fatedtouch
2011-03-24 07:05 pm UTC (link)

He leaned into the window frame and closed his eyes. One hand curled about the the corner where it met the wall, the other still solidly against his middle. Brow dropping against the cool glass, he inhaled and pushed with every ounce of willpower he had left. The tears abruptly stopped, trembles and hitched breaths erased - as if they never were. He wiped at his face with his sleeve and turned around, leaning back against the wall.

When he opened his eyes, there was a gold tint fading from the worn blues. "Things changed," he said evenly.

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	tensor_mods 2011-03-24 08:08 pm UTC (link)
	Kurt sighed as he watched the transformation. Josh was, as always, an incredibly poor actor, though, and it was only the signs of distress that his powers could wipe away that disappeared so easily. "I gathered as much, Kleiner, and obviously not for the better." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	fatedtouch 2011-03-24 08:26 pm UTC (link)
	"Things are just...complicated right now." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

tensor_mods
2011-03-24 09:17 pm UTC (link)

Kurt stood up and walked over to the other side of the window from Josh, to a spot where he was close without crowding into his personal space and he could look out the window rather than staring at the boy. He tucked his hands into his pockets and leaned against the window frame.

"Sometimes it can help to talk to someone about it when things get complicated," he suggested quietly. He knew Josh had regular counseling sessions...he also knew that sometimes talking to someone because it was their job to fix you wasn't nearly as helpful as talking to someone who was simply willing to listen.

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fatedtouch
2011-03-24 10:37 pm UTC (link)

Josh fixed his eyes on his painting. With them looking in opposite directions it was a little easier. Talking to Agent Darkhölme always was. Besides being his fencing coach, the man had taught him to fight, escorted him to and from off campus training and ran interference when Josh's grades left him facing some serious consequences. Agent Darkhölme was easy to speak to, very easy to connect with and he treated everyone with respect even if they were snotty kids who didn't deserve it. And after he'd thoroughly snapped them into place they fell in line and grew to share the same sort of open non-judgmental concern he shared with all his kids. He was the kind of instructor people thanked in acceptance speeches for all sorts of prestigious accomplishments. The gentle but unyielding force that kept them on the right path, even when they tried their hardest to stray off it.

Josh had gotten lost three Grimm's fairy tales and two dark forests ago. Luckily Agent Darkhölme was also fluent in German.

"Did you always love your wife?"

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tensor_mods
2011-03-24 11:34 pm UTC (link)

"I suppose you could say that I have after a fashion,"he answered softly, lips twitching into a faint smile. "I've been teased mercilessly for years because I declared my intention to marry her someday when I was...I believe eleven. I didn't really know her well enough then for it to have been anything I would truly call love. It took significant growing up and a great deal of time spent together to fall in love with the person she is, rather than the image I had of her as a child."

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	fatedtouch 2011-03-24 11:53 pm UTC (link)
	"Was it hard to see her with someone else?" Given their age difference, it was highly likely the principal had been dating other people prior to Agent Darkhölme. Her children who were not his aside. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tensor_mods 2011-03-25 12:37 am UTC (link)
	"It...was not the most pleasant of experiences, no," he conceded, turning to look at Josh's profile as he wondered exactly where he was going with his line of questioning. "But we were not together at the time, and she had every right to be with whomever she chose." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	fatedtouch 2011-03-25 12:48 am UTC (link)
	"How long did you know her before you first told her you loved her?" he asked, looking to him. It was a very personal question, and he was going to own up to it. Especially as he knew Agent Darkhölme would only placate his questioning so far before he turned the conversation back around. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

tensor_mods
2011-03-25 12:55 am UTC (link)

Kurt snorted quietly, lips quirked in a wry smile. "I don't know that I can give you the kind of answer you're looking for, Josh, given I've known her in one capacity or another my entire life." Fortunately never as a baby-sitter, as that would have been entirely too...creepy, he supposed.

"Though we had been dating perhaps...a year," he added, cocking his head and turning a little more directly towards Josh before asking mildly, "is there someplace in particular you're heading with this line of questioning?"

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	fatedtouch 2011-03-25 12:57 am UTC (link)
	"They both want me to choose. I can't choose." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tensor_mods 2011-03-25 01:02 am UTC (link)
	Kurt blinked slowly, golden eyes shuttering briefly then flashing back open the only sign of his surprise. "Oh Josh." He sighed, in sympathy not in censure, though leave it to Josh Foley to create such a situation for himself. "I don't imagine this is anything so simple as the best friend being jealous of the boyfriend and vice versa, is it?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	fatedtouch 2011-03-25 01:10 am UTC (link)
	"Wouldn't be my life if it was," he commented offhandedly. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

tensor_mods
2011-03-25 01:13 am UTC (link)

Kurt smiled faintly despite the gravity of the situation. He also felt significantly more kindly disposed towards Kevin Ford...and hoped the answer to his next question wasn't going to require him to feel significantly less so towards Josh.

"How long has this been going on, Kleiner?" he asked, still no hint of judgment in his voice or expression. The situation could not, he imagined, be helped, it was only Josh's reaction to it that was relevant.

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	fatedtouch 2011-03-25 01:53 am UTC (link)
	"Kevin's been digging at it for a while...But I didn't find out from Julian until this weekend." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tensor_mods 2011-03-25 02:00 am UTC (link)
	"Digging at it? In what way?" Kurt inquired, more than willing to take advantage of Josh's willingness to open up to see if he could get to the heart of the matter...though he was beginning to doubt that even knowing the extent of the problem would make it possible to fix it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

fatedtouch
2011-03-25 02:15 am UTC (link)

Josh sighed. "He's always told me he'd understand if I needed to look elsewhere for certain touch requirements. In theory I suppose it worked. But as soon as it became some sort of viable option, he just shut down. He saw Julian and I together and accused me of wanting him. We got into a fight." He shrugged, sinking somewhat in the angle of his body. "It had never occurred to me that Julian and I could be...anything more than what we were. Kevin didn't believe what we were was anything less. And by the time he was getting over it I guess, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I confronted Julian about it and...well...things came to light. When I went to confess to Kevin he...didn't take it well."

He raked a hand through his hair, sinking further, foot dropping against the wall just beneath his seat. "Julian thinks we can go back to how things were before. And maybe Kevin will let us spend some time together..." A soft iridescence was the only hint that his powers were active again. "But it's worse now. Kevin doesn't trust me. Julian's keeping his distance. And I can't think of anything else to try. I don't know how to fix me so this works for them."

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tensor_mods
2011-03-25 03:10 am UTC (link)

Kurt was silent and still as he tried to follow Josh's convoluted story. He wasn't at all sure that there was anything useful he could say at the end of it. It seemed a rather unique mess, and one that definitely painted Josh's boyfriend in a somewhat less than flattering light, though he couldn't help but have some sympathy as well. He'd been dealt a difficult hand to play and Josh had apparently called his bluff.

"Oh Kleiner. It's a very deep hole you've managed to find yourself in, isn't it?" He bit back another sigh and looked at Josh somberly. "I realize it wasn't fair of him to push you towards something he wasn't able to let you have. But-" He had to be fair to the boy. "Very few people are wired in such a way as to be able to share those they love...intimately." He paused. Sighed quietly. Made sure his tone and expression were inquiring and not in any way judgmental. "And fewer still to share romantically." Kevin might have thought he could do the one, but Josh had apparently required the other of him as well.

"Sharing your touch, versus sharing your heart...it's asking two very different things."

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fatedtouch
2011-03-25 04:54 am UTC (link)

"If he would have just dropped it when I begged him to," he replied, pushing off the window ledge. "We wouldn't be in this 'very deep hole'. He wouldn't leave it alone! He kept telling me it was okay to want that, to not be strong enough, even when I told him I was! He couldn't just let me be that for him!" He was ranting now, pacing, gesticulating wildly. There was so much he'd buried that wasn't safe to bring up because he couldn't let Kevin feel like any of it was his fault. Not when it was all his own. Not when he was the one with the problem.

"He knows me. He should know it's not an exclusive thing! I'm not about to go run off with some guy I don't know because my boyfriend needs to layer up to touch me! He should know I can't just be with someone like that without it meaning something! On top of which! Who the hell does he think he is?! He has no right to get so angry with me because he doesn't understand how Julian and I work! Julian's my best friend, and it's not a fucking game! It's never been a god damn contest, in all these years we've been doing this! All of a sudden they're in the safe space and the whole god damn world has to implode?!"

He kicked the table leg, then kicked it again when the first kick wasn't satisfactory enough. "And when the fuck does Julian ever back down from anything in his whole fucking uptight." Kick. "Stupidly noble." Kick. "Completely OCD." Kick. "Emotionally regulating, social charming, silver tongued LIFE?!" He kicked at it until his powers flared. "God damn it!"

Josh whirled around, facing the older man. "Who the hell are these people?! They're driving me crazy! I swear to God if I didn't love them both so fucking much I'd fucking strangle them! AH!" He made a tearing motion with his hands. "Can't share me! It's not their god damn decision! Look at me! LOOK AT ME! I can't sleep! I'm hardly eating! My grades are tanking. I DESTROYED ALL MY INSTRUMENTS! My powers are all over the fucking place! And I've spent the last month wanting nothing more than to crawl into a fucking hole and die because no matter what I did or didn't do it just GOT WORSE! THIS ISN'T ME! WHO THE HELL IS THIS?!"

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tensor_mods
2011-03-25 05:50 am UTC (link)

Kurt stood still and silent during Josh's tirade, his only response the gradual creep of his eyebrows towards his hairline as Josh let anger and frustration he'd obviously been bottling up far too long spill out in a rapid stream or words...and no little violence to the furnishings.

At this point he wouldn't have been willing to even hazard a guess at the facts of the situation. Josh had obviously wound himself so tight and bottled his emotions up so hard that he could have the facts skewed almost beyond recognition. But the facts weren't of any real importance just then. Josh finally opening up and venting was.

"I think, Kleiner, that at the moment this is very much more you than you have been for quite a while," he answered, ignoring everything else and going to what he felt was the heart of the matter.

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	fatedtouch 2011-03-25 06:06 am UTC (link)
	Josh let out a frustrated huff, before looking up at his coach. He blinked at him, processing his statement. And though it was small and tilted to the left, it was still a smile. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tensor_mods 2011-03-25 06:17 am UTC (link)
	Kurt echoed the expression. Small but unmistakably warm...and somewhat relieved as well. "Does it help at least a little to have some of that off your chest, Herr Foley?" he asked him mildly. "I'm thinking it was a very heavy burden to bear in silence." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	fatedtouch 2011-03-25 06:37 am UTC (link)
	He released a controlled exhale. "Yeah...Yeah, it was." He felt...lighter somehow. More at peace. His life was still in frayed ruins all around him, but he knew how to knit a few atoms back together. He was pretty sure he could mend even this in time. "Thanks." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

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