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Tweak says, "Go you, you're excellent!"

Josh Foley (fatedtouch) wrote in tensor,
@ 2011-03-23 02:35:00

Entry tags:

josh_foley, kurt_darkhoelme

Without his instruments to play - not that he would play them if he still could - Josh's therapist had commissioned a painting. It was non-negotiable and was due at the end of the week. Outlets were outlets for a reason, apparently. And if Josh could best communicate only through creative expression, then expression was going to be seen to. Whether or not Josh liked it.

Generally, Josh had music playing in the background when he painted. But music no longer held any allure. So he let his thoughts feed his white noise.

He'd been working for three days. Seeing to his mandatory studio time. The requirement wasn't putting any undue stress on his schedule. So he couldn't try and wiggle out of it. Surprisingly, the painting was coming along solidly. He wasn't losing anything between his breaks of class, meals, practice and sleep. If anything, it seemed to be forming faster.

He pulled the brush against the canvas, blue swirling with the darker shades. Layers of it. One upon another spanning the entire canvas from corner to corner. He wasn't ready to touch the central figure. Wasn't ready to admit it to himself yet. That would be last. He still had time.

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tensor_mods
2011-03-25 01:13 am UTC (link)

Kurt smiled faintly despite the gravity of the situation. He also felt significantly more kindly disposed towards Kevin Ford...and hoped the answer to his next question wasn't going to require him to feel significantly less so towards Josh.

"How long has this been going on, Kleiner?" he asked, still no hint of judgment in his voice or expression. The situation could not, he imagined, be helped, it was only Josh's reaction to it that was relevant.

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	fatedtouch 2011-03-25 01:53 am UTC (link)
	"Kevin's been digging at it for a while...But I didn't find out from Julian until this weekend." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tensor_mods 2011-03-25 02:00 am UTC (link)
	"Digging at it? In what way?" Kurt inquired, more than willing to take advantage of Josh's willingness to open up to see if he could get to the heart of the matter...though he was beginning to doubt that even knowing the extent of the problem would make it possible to fix it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

fatedtouch
2011-03-25 02:15 am UTC (link)

Josh sighed. "He's always told me he'd understand if I needed to look elsewhere for certain touch requirements. In theory I suppose it worked. But as soon as it became some sort of viable option, he just shut down. He saw Julian and I together and accused me of wanting him. We got into a fight." He shrugged, sinking somewhat in the angle of his body. "It had never occurred to me that Julian and I could be...anything more than what we were. Kevin didn't believe what we were was anything less. And by the time he was getting over it I guess, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I confronted Julian about it and...well...things came to light. When I went to confess to Kevin he...didn't take it well."

He raked a hand through his hair, sinking further, foot dropping against the wall just beneath his seat. "Julian thinks we can go back to how things were before. And maybe Kevin will let us spend some time together..." A soft iridescence was the only hint that his powers were active again. "But it's worse now. Kevin doesn't trust me. Julian's keeping his distance. And I can't think of anything else to try. I don't know how to fix me so this works for them."

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tensor_mods
2011-03-25 03:10 am UTC (link)

Kurt was silent and still as he tried to follow Josh's convoluted story. He wasn't at all sure that there was anything useful he could say at the end of it. It seemed a rather unique mess, and one that definitely painted Josh's boyfriend in a somewhat less than flattering light, though he couldn't help but have some sympathy as well. He'd been dealt a difficult hand to play and Josh had apparently called his bluff.

"Oh Kleiner. It's a very deep hole you've managed to find yourself in, isn't it?" He bit back another sigh and looked at Josh somberly. "I realize it wasn't fair of him to push you towards something he wasn't able to let you have. But-" He had to be fair to the boy. "Very few people are wired in such a way as to be able to share those they love...intimately." He paused. Sighed quietly. Made sure his tone and expression were inquiring and not in any way judgmental. "And fewer still to share romantically." Kevin might have thought he could do the one, but Josh had apparently required the other of him as well.

"Sharing your touch, versus sharing your heart...it's asking two very different things."

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fatedtouch
2011-03-25 04:54 am UTC (link)

"If he would have just dropped it when I begged him to," he replied, pushing off the window ledge. "We wouldn't be in this 'very deep hole'. He wouldn't leave it alone! He kept telling me it was okay to want that, to not be strong enough, even when I told him I was! He couldn't just let me be that for him!" He was ranting now, pacing, gesticulating wildly. There was so much he'd buried that wasn't safe to bring up because he couldn't let Kevin feel like any of it was his fault. Not when it was all his own. Not when he was the one with the problem.

"He knows me. He should know it's not an exclusive thing! I'm not about to go run off with some guy I don't know because my boyfriend needs to layer up to touch me! He should know I can't just be with someone like that without it meaning something! On top of which! Who the hell does he think he is?! He has no right to get so angry with me because he doesn't understand how Julian and I work! Julian's my best friend, and it's not a fucking game! It's never been a god damn contest, in all these years we've been doing this! All of a sudden they're in the safe space and the whole god damn world has to implode?!"

He kicked the table leg, then kicked it again when the first kick wasn't satisfactory enough. "And when the fuck does Julian ever back down from anything in his whole fucking uptight." Kick. "Stupidly noble." Kick. "Completely OCD." Kick. "Emotionally regulating, social charming, silver tongued LIFE?!" He kicked at it until his powers flared. "God damn it!"

Josh whirled around, facing the older man. "Who the hell are these people?! They're driving me crazy! I swear to God if I didn't love them both so fucking much I'd fucking strangle them! AH!" He made a tearing motion with his hands. "Can't share me! It's not their god damn decision! Look at me! LOOK AT ME! I can't sleep! I'm hardly eating! My grades are tanking. I DESTROYED ALL MY INSTRUMENTS! My powers are all over the fucking place! And I've spent the last month wanting nothing more than to crawl into a fucking hole and die because no matter what I did or didn't do it just GOT WORSE! THIS ISN'T ME! WHO THE HELL IS THIS?!"

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tensor_mods
2011-03-25 05:50 am UTC (link)

Kurt stood still and silent during Josh's tirade, his only response the gradual creep of his eyebrows towards his hairline as Josh let anger and frustration he'd obviously been bottling up far too long spill out in a rapid stream or words...and no little violence to the furnishings.

At this point he wouldn't have been willing to even hazard a guess at the facts of the situation. Josh had obviously wound himself so tight and bottled his emotions up so hard that he could have the facts skewed almost beyond recognition. But the facts weren't of any real importance just then. Josh finally opening up and venting was.

"I think, Kleiner, that at the moment this is very much more you than you have been for quite a while," he answered, ignoring everything else and going to what he felt was the heart of the matter.

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	fatedtouch 2011-03-25 06:06 am UTC (link)
	Josh let out a frustrated huff, before looking up at his coach. He blinked at him, processing his statement. And though it was small and tilted to the left, it was still a smile. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tensor_mods 2011-03-25 06:17 am UTC (link)
	Kurt echoed the expression. Small but unmistakably warm...and somewhat relieved as well. "Does it help at least a little to have some of that off your chest, Herr Foley?" he asked him mildly. "I'm thinking it was a very heavy burden to bear in silence." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	fatedtouch 2011-03-25 06:37 am UTC (link)
	He released a controlled exhale. "Yeah...Yeah, it was." He felt...lighter somehow. More at peace. His life was still in frayed ruins all around him, but he knew how to knit a few atoms back together. He was pretty sure he could mend even this in time. "Thanks." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tensor_mods 2011-03-25 06:55 am UTC (link)
	"Good." He nodded decisively. "I think to say it was my pleasure would be both inaccurate and inappropriate, but I am glad I could be of at least some help." He fell silent for a moment, considering Josh, not sure if he should say more and eventually deciding it was best not to at that point. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	fatedtouch 2011-03-25 07:15 am UTC (link)
	"It was definitely relieving," he assured him. "Thank you." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tensor_mods 2011-03-25 07:55 am UTC (link)
	"You're welcome, Kleiner." He smiled faintly. "Shall I leave you to return to your work, then? Or do you wish continued company, and perhaps continued venting?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	fatedtouch 2011-03-25 07:58 am UTC (link)
	"I think I'm done. Or, rather, I should probably start over. After I've spoken with Kevin. And Julian." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	tensor_mods 2011-03-25 08:05 am UTC (link)
	"That sounds like an excellent idea. I'll leave you to it then." He leaned over and settled a hand on Josh's shoulder for just a moment, squeezing gently and then releasing him. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	fatedtouch 2011-03-25 08:10 am UTC (link)
	Josh set his canvas aside, covering it so it wouldn't gather dust as it dried - or distract him with its visage. Crossing over to view available blank canvases he wondered if perhaps he just oughtn't start now anyway. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

tensor_mods
2011-03-25 08:33 am UTC (link)

Kurt watched for a moment, then crossed the room, opened the door, and slipped quietly back into the hall. He had no real delusions that Josh was now going to miraculously be able to sort out the clusterfuck that his romantic life had become, but at least he'd made a start towards finding himself buried beneath all the layers of teenage angst. It was definitely an improvement.

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