Andrei Cioran is (thepiedpiper__) wrote in stepfurtproject, @ 2020-11-13 13:13:00 |
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Entry tags: | andrei ciorian (thepiedpiper__), bucky barnes (endofthe___), steve rogers (brooklynkid), stiles stilinski (naturalemissary), susanna brennan (skateprincess) |
Rehabilitation Session; Redirected Open Video
I'm not doing great. I have a hard time with things like remorse and empathy. I guess I don't really get why it matters if I kill people or not. Everyone dies, whether it's a week from now or in forty years, everyone ends up in the same place for one reason or another. It's inevitable so it never mattered to me if I sped up the process if it helped me in anyway. And my abilities? [He shrugs] Everyone likes being told what to do, that's just a fact. It makes people feel safe when someone else is in control. People willingly relinquish all of their freedom to total strangers -- politicians, police, governments, even you. They don't like to admit it but it's true. People are the most comfortable when someone else is in charge. I guess the feelings of violation comes because to them, I'm just some kid who doesn't have their best interest in mind. Which, granted, is true. I only care about myself, but they don't realize no one else they surrender themselves to only cares about the power. I'm just more honest about it. People don't like that.
I'm struggling with this program and myself. I don't know if it's working to change me enough and I'm trying. I really am, I just don't get it. I haven't had a curfew since I was 7 years old, now a decade later I have a bedtime.
I'm not good at families. My sister was a sweet kid but I never liked her. I didn't dislike her but I never felt a connection to her. To me, she was just someone to practice on. Killing her was a whim. I just wanted to see if I was strong enough to force someone to fight against their own survival instincts and I was. That felt good. My grandma was nice too -- I don't know why I killed her. I guess... I guess I just got tired of her telling me what to do.
I think I should be different. I look around at the breakfast table and dinner table and I think -- this is good. It makes me feel something on the inside, like a tickle in my spine and I get this sudden urge to just shut it all down and destroy it, but then I don't and that feels good. Maybe it means I'm growing. I haven't changed much, though. I know I haven't. It would be really easy for me to start up again. For a while, I'd be so tired after practice the only thing on my mind would be trying to sleep off some of the pain. Now I'm used to it -- I have more free time to think too much. That's the thing about exercise, you get used to the pain and then it goes away.
I don't wanna be a bad guy anymore.