Rufayette Morgenschoss (zeiss_manifold) wrote in spork_squad, @ 2010-10-26 22:53:00 |
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Entry tags: | chick tracts, christian crap, del's childhood trauma, delcat, fundies, halloween, tales of youth and manky candy, worksafe for once, zeiss manifold |
A FEARLESS SPORK SQUAD HALLOWEEN SHINDIG SPECTACULAR: JACK CHICK PRESENTS "STINKY"
Zeiss Manifold: Ahoy, sporkers and sporquettes! It's getting near Halloween in our time zone - and coincidentally, in Jack Chick's as well.
Delcat: Again? Hasn't he done like five Halloween tracts already?
Zeiss Manifold: Even despite Chick's best-laid plans, there just keep on being more Halloweens.
Delcat: Look, I'm not gonna lie to anyone, here, Halloween is all about teaching kids about the joys of unfettered, high-fructose-corn-syrup-laden hedonism. BUT IT IS OUR GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO DO SO!
Delcat: P.S. gentle viewers, one of us was born on Halloween and grew up in a fundie church with all the baggage that entails. This is gonna be a fun one.
Zeiss Manifold: Today's tract is "Stinky", about how even YOU can find eternal life with the help of Jesus, and more importantly, Jack Chick publications. Buy stock in tracts today!
Delcat: "Stinky"?
Delcat: Ah. Stinky. Zeiss, I now have to have a Photobucket album with the headline "Stinky photos by Delcat". I can sue this project for mental damages.
Zeiss Manifold: Wait, your Photobucket turned Stinky just now?
Zeiss Manifold: DOHOHOHOHOHOHO
Delcat: Just the snark section. Must be all that garbage we have to throw in there!
Delcat: DOHOHOHOHOHO
Delcat: In my roleplaying campaign, incubi's horns generally reflect their personalities--bulls are headstrong, rams are leaders, gazelles are delicate, and so on. Exactly what personality traits are devoted by "Madonna's bra" horns?
Zeiss Manifold: Kid-friendliness?
Delcat: ...I think there's a logical disconnect here somewhere.
Zeiss Manifold: Times were hard for The Thing.
Delcat: This guy's horns suggest that he's of the type that likes to smoosh elves' feet into his head. No, literally, look at those.
Zeiss Manifold: I don't know what you're on about, but I DO have a sudden craving for drumsticks.
Delcat: Wait. Satan's birthday is on Halloween? How does that work? God created the angels, including Lucifer, before He divided night from day. Therefore, the birthday is technically the same for all of them...including...
Delcat: ZEISS, IS GOD'S BIRTHDAY ON HALLOWEEN??
Zeiss Manifold: Man, I KNEW Halloween kicked Christmas's ass all along. Chick fails Basic Theology, but I have faith in his judgement of Proportional Holiday Funness
Delcat: This tract is brought to you by the number 3 and the letter REPENT.
Delcat: What is that behind them? A giant nose? What even...why is it glowing? Zeiss, move those text bubbles, I wanna see.
Zeiss Manifold: sorry, delly, it's GIANT BATS
Zeiss Manifold: ...man why do they even have to recruit Stinky, the GIANT BATS are capable of much more havoc
Delcat: Gosh, look at 'em go! They're making like a Meatloaf out of Hell!
Zeiss Manifold: I mean, do you want to wreck shit on Halloween or just nebbish it up
Zeiss Manifold: If you chose the latter, Stinky is for you
Delcat: Why is his mouth full of milk?
Zeiss Manifold: "Then he'll make *me* number *two!*" Wow, employment benefits in Hell are for shit.
Delcat: *rimshot*
Zeiss Manifold: Also, someone at the Chick compound spiked the Welch's and now they're ripping of Mexican Christmas movies for the love of god.
Delcat: "What a DISGUSTING odor! Like CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM! DO YOU GET IT OR DO WE NEED TO MUG HARDER?!"
Delcat: Really, what the fuck can you get as a Halloween gift in the suburbs that you can't get in...I don't know...HELL? There's gotta be a shitload of stuff better than some cheap plastic pumpkins down there.
Delcat: What could be physical evidence of the world loving Satan that Satan wouldn't know about, anyway? Isn't it his job to know when people are sinning and shit?
Zeiss Manifold: What can you get the Devil for Halloween, when he already owns a comb?
Delcat: Just go the gift card route, dude, can't go wrong.
Zeiss Manifold: Naughty nurse costumes are the modern-day slaughtered calf, I guess.
Delcat: "We all float down here, Georgie! As is implied by my wavering stink lines!"
Zeiss Manifold: "Whew, I made it! And I found another rat tail to affix to my head!"
Delcat: Moral all kids will be taking away from this tract: NOT "I need to become a Christian", BUT "HOLY SHIT THE SEWERS ARE FULL OF DEMONS I'LL NEVER POOP AGAIN." I swear, that little Sunday school lesson accounts for more impacted bowels than Boy Scout Camp and White Castle combined. Protip: Never combine Boy Scout Camp and White Castle. Your intestines will actually crawl out through your mouth in self-defense.
Zeiss Manifold: But it'll be a jamboree on the colonoscope's part!
Delcat: "When I'm under pressure, I smell a little different, that's all." Is this going to turn into a tale of acceptance among neckbeards and their dirty crapped briefs?
Delcat: Wow, I'm sorry, I'm really shoveling in the shit jokes. I guess this panel has really got my mind in the gutter!
Delcat: DOHOHOHOHO
Zeiss Manifold: *crooks Del off the stage*
Delcat: OW YOU SON OF A BITCH YOU DID THAT WITH MY OWN INTESTINES
Zeiss Manifold: "Tonight I'll get to eat candy and scare people and steal toner!"
Delcat: So what has he been doing thus far? Just kind of...tooling around for the entirety of humanity's existence?
Zeiss Manifold: Second panel is also his first bout of fooling with the prostate, if that expression is anything to go by. Except demon prostates are probably just lumps of coal or something, I don't know, Del's really the bones of the demonology division here
Delcat: Well, you spend 6000 years without any junk and see if you don't get a little experimental. Hell, it took Herr Starr all of a month in Preacher.
Delcat: Just hope this doesn't end in him fucking a meat-woman with a turkey for a head.
Delcat: Hey, they finally upgraded to a modern format! I hear it took a long time to switch off of a Master Satan-Damns Our Souls style OS.
Zeiss Manifold: Yep, nothing like trick-or-treating in the geometric dungeonspace. Maybe they locked themselves in the hyperbolic time chamber to train their trick-or-treating skills to the limit.
Delcat: You failed to find the razor blade trap. Just kidding, that never happens. But you DID fail your critical roll, so you only get Smarties and a penny.
Delcat: A Stinky Ghost appeared!
Paula bashed to the Stinky Ghost!
SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!
82 damage to the Stinky Ghost!
The Stinky Ghost evaporated!
Paula: ...what was that about :|
Zeiss Manifold: Just another day at the Karl Malden Command Center.
Delcat: Um, this tract was released this year, right? Where are these kids' parents and why aren't they stopping them from hanging with the filthy homeless midget?
Zeiss Manifold: Second panel: Eustace and Muriel? Geez, they really ARE trick-or-treating in the middle of nowhere!
Delcat: Poor Courage, he's just not the same since Fang beat the shit out of him :<
Delcat: "Coming, coming. And here's some potato salad for the little cataract blurs, yes indeed."
Zeiss Manifold: "I NEED MORE BUGLES FOR MY HANDS"
Delcat: In Hell, the ENTIRE BAG of Bugles is composed of those little thin ones that crack when you try to wedge them on your fingertips. EVERY SINGLE ONE.
Delcat: "Thank you, wall! Happy Halloween, wall! We love you, wall!"
Delcat: "Dear, are cataracts contagious?"
Zeiss Manifold: The perils of trick-or-treating with Missingo
Delcat: Dude, it's worth it for the 128 Rare Candy glitch, every time.
Delcat: "He took all our candy. We'll have to start breaking potatoes off your head and giving them away instead, honey."
Zeiss Manifold: That is CLEARLY a tortilla chip bowl, too
Zeiss Manifold: get with the program old people
Delcat: Well of course, because tortillas are Mexican and Mexicans are evil
Delcat: Or is that Native Americans? I can't remember sometimes what stops we've made on our whirlwind tour of flipping off the brown-person world.
Zeiss Manifold: I think Chick's only got the Hmong and the Uzbeks left at this point.
Delcat: aaaaaaand RAPE
Zeiss Manifold: "Hey! Who detonated the H-bomb?"
Delcat: Dude, does she have an actual, lit-up Jack-o-lantern as a trick or treat pail? ...no one is coming to pick these kids up, are they? These kids' parents are burying the needle on the spedometer on their way to the airport RIGHT NOW.
Zeiss Manifold: "Stinky turns off the flashlight, pushes past Stevenson, pushes past MacGill and he's off he's off and he SCORES! THE DEMONS WIN THE PENNANT, THE DEMONS WIN THE PENNANT…"
Delcat: "Oh God, I think I saw her putting her Snickers in a real vegetable, honey!"
"Just drive! Just drive and forget! We will put this all behind us!"
Delcat: Demons are totally ok with jaywalking. 'cause they're DEMONS.
Zeiss Manifold: Well, Stinky also provided an excuse to include Fang in this comic so it all evens out in the end
Delcat: THAT IS A FILTHY WHORE LIE, FUNDIE HOUSES GIVE OUT ONLY SMARTIES AND SHAME
Delcat: Seriously, no way are people who think like this gonna shell out for the good candy. Same as they don't give a tip along with tracts at restaurants. SURELY THE GOOD NEWS IS MORE VALUABLE THAN MONETARY GOODS AND CAN ALSO PAY FOOD BILLS.
Delcat: "The Devil kicked you down and stole your candy, but didn't kill you and drag away the bodies? What did I trade my soul for? I am calling customer service right now!"
Zeiss Manifold: Remember kids, eat those Necco Wafers warily, because the folks you got them from are preparing an abstinence pledge just for you as we speak. You should also eat those Necco Wafers warily because I think they're made out of surplus lead paint chips.
Delcat: Clove flavor, man. Freaking CLOVE flavor. No wonder they had to make all-chocolate packs a thing, with that kind of fresh minty hell.
Zeiss Manifold: "Back off, Stinky!" #usefulorgyphrases
Delcat: How can the cowboy kid NOT see whatever Stinky is tripping up? He's clearly on the same meth bender, look at those eyes.
Zeiss Manifold: ...So, following this tract's theology, Hall & Oates were also created on Halloween.
Delcat: Well, you go and create an entire world, you wanna lock that shit up. You SAW what happened.
Zeiss Manifold: Wo-oah, here she comes. She's a tract-vendor!
Zeiss Manifold: No wonder Stinky's terrified, it's Joan Crawford's house. Girl must know too, as that is clearly a wire hanger halo she has
Delcat: "WOW! Head just...FLEW UP there! Manjaw's so SQUARE, man, I'm freakin' OUT!"
"You have gotta quit the meth, dude."
Delcat: "ahurrdurr wurdz?"
Zeiss Manifold: that, or her jaw is slowly detatching due to the effects of the black hole
Will Stinky ever ruin that jolly old elf, SANTA CLAUS Halloween? Will Jack Chick reach Mattel-Chocobots levels of self-whoring? Will Zeiss and Del ever flush the chalky aftertaste of Smarties from their mouths? Find out next time!