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Elenwë of the Vanyar (vanya_elenwe) wrote in spinningcompass,
@ 2013-05-05 02:36:00

Entry tags:

!open

WHO: Elenwë and OPEN
WHAT: She's fought with everyone she loves. Life currently sucks.
WHERE: By the sea
WHEN: Saturday night
WARNINGS: Low/TBD
STATUS: Open/Incomplete

Elenwë was generally a happy elf. She had a positive outlook on life, and had always found it easy to see the silver lining in any cloud. She had married late, but that had never bothered her. She had always been happy enough without love, and was not one to trouble herself over something she did not have. And then when she had met Turukáno, she had found an unlooked for happiness that had simply added to what she already had. And Itarillë had made her world just a little bit brighter. She had always been the sort to sing to herself out of pure joy, to find the world a lovely place despite its faults.

But since she had arrived here, things had become so difficult. And tonight...

Tonight.

Tonight she had angered not only her daughter, but her husband. And now she was alone, watching the reflection of the moon in the water, her face streaked with salty tears. She wished so much that she hadn't arrived here at all. This was not how things were supposed to be. She was supposed to have died, and Turukáno gone on to build Gondolin and Idril to marry Tuor, and then Sara died, and came back to Valinor, and found healing in the gardens of Lórien, and found peace again.

Not like this.

There was no peace he could find here. And she...perhaps, needed the sundering of those five hundred years as well. Then, perhaps, they could take the baby steps together, rediscovering each other slowly and in small measure.

But...two weeks ago, their life had been perfect. Yes, there had been strife in Aman, but she was as close to him as it was possible for a wife to be. They were one, they made their decisions together, they loved each other thoroughly and completely, and between them, there was nothing unknown.

Then she had awakened here and all had changed. This man was Sara, and sometimes she could see it. But sometimes...there was a coldness in him that she had not seen before, a distance he forced between them, out of fear. And every time he put it there, her heart broke a little more.

And now, she was alone. She wasn't sure if she'd ever felt this alone in all of her long life. Itarillë was angry with her, and she knew not why, and Turukáno felt like she was pushing things too fast. Maybe. That was what she feared, anyway. She was trying not to do so. She had no desire to push him further than he wanted to go, but to back off the right amount was difficult, especially when she was accustomed to such emotional intimacy. She felt as if she had been given the truest love in the world, and perfect happiness, then had it ripped from her heart in the cruelest way possible.

She did not even wish for physical intimacy! She could go a very long time with out that, despite her love for him. She just wished for the comfort, for the small touches and smiles, for the perfect and complete understanding that once they had known, and she feared they would never know again.

Hugging her knees to her, she pressed her forehead to them and wept, letting out all the emotion that she had withheld for the past weeks. It did not, however, assuage her pain, and she began to fear that she would never be able to stop at all, and would die here of grief, under the stars that had once brought her so much happiness.

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vanya_elenwe
2013-05-05 07:33 am UTC (link)

"Yes," she answered softly. "He comes from five hundred years in my future. And I have been dead to him for five hundred years. It is understandably strange to him, and it is difficult for both of us. I have been little more than a memory to him for five centuries, so he cannot be blamed for being confused. But to me, it is as if he has ripped out my heart, because my last memories of him were of a perfect love. And I miss that."

She sighed, wiping her eyes.

"And my daughter has gotten word of our difficulties, and is angry with me. And it burns my heart. What can I do? I cannot push Turukáno."

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renaantilles
2013-05-05 07:37 am UTC (link)

Rena nodded. She considered her words carefully before answering.

"Have you spoken to your daughter of the reason for your troubles? That no one is to blame?" She tilted her head.

"Pushing him is definitely not the answer. It...." She cleared her throat. "I can only imagine how it would feel if Luke were to show up on the island from a time in which he and I were not together. It would....devastate me." She blinked back some tears at the thought. "And, as you said, no one is to blame for your current troubles other than this island. You can only give it time."

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vanya_elenwe
2013-05-05 01:40 pm UTC (link)

"I have tried," Elenwë whispered, looking out over the ocean, which calmed her. She could hear the music of the waves, and there was peace in knowing that even here, Ulmo was not far away. "But her heart is sad and she will not listen to reason. I cannot blame her, I suppose. It is cruel to her as well. She was so pleased that both of us were here, and then for us not to be as she remembered, ad she is but a child in the years of our people. And perhaps a bit used to having her own way."

She smiled wryly.

"And I wish to. I do not wish to force his hand before he is ready. I wish - I have always wished - that his love would be always freely given. And I know he loves me. It is not that. It is only - " She sighed, trailing off. "It is complicated. And I am not even certain that I understand my griefs completely."

She looked over at the woman, smiling slightly. "But I do thank you for listening."

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renaantilles
2013-05-05 01:58 pm UTC (link)

"I think that this place does these things specifically to see how much pain it can cause. Though some have found happiness here. I know that Kytana has found a love in Kishan that she would not have had were we not brought here. But the pain comes along with the good." She sighed a little.

"It will take time but I do believe that happiness can be found again. It's just a matter of letting it happen in its own time." She nodded. She truly believed that. It was why she thought she'd been taken away from Luke. The only thing that kept her sane was knowing that it was not yet their time to be happy.

"Though we might not understand our difficulties, sometimes it only takes a kind ear to help get through them." She smiled softly.

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vanya_elenwe
2013-05-05 02:03 pm UTC (link)

"I know it is likely hard to tell it now," she said softly, "But I am happy to be here in some ways. I am glad that I get to be near to my husband, which being home, I would not have the chance to do. And even if things are not perfect, I love him. I will always love him. I am, perhaps, feeling sorry for myself a bit. It is not so bad. He is here, and he loves me, and I love him. It is more than many have, and I should cherish it rather than grieve it."

She half-smiled, twisting a strand of her golden hair around her finger.

"There are so many here who have lost those they love, I should not be this way. I know it. Sometimes, though, we need to grieve, even if our griefs are not nearly so much as others."

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renaantilles
2013-05-05 02:16 pm UTC (link)

"Exactly." Rena nodded again. "Everyone has something they feel they need to grieve. And while others might tell you that you have it better and you shouldn't, your grief is no less than theirs. You feel it just as they do. Your reasons for your grief are your own." She ran her fingers through her hair.

"It's best to feel it, though. I learned a long time ago that hiding your grief for the sake of others, no matter the reason for it, can only end up hurting you. And it is okay to feel sorry for yourself every now and then as long as you don't dwell on it."

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	vanya_elenwe 2013-05-05 02:21 pm UTC (link)
	"It isn't like me," she said sadly. "I have always been the one to see such joy in life, and hope out of darkness. This has just been hard. But I will find my way out of it, and find my way home." She smiled at her. "What are you doing out this late?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	renaantilles 2013-05-05 02:23 pm UTC (link)
	She took a deep breath and let it out slowly, looking back out at the water. "I've been unable to sleep and I've found that taking a walk usually helps to clear my head and allow me to meditate." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	vanya_elenwe 2013-05-05 03:49 pm UTC (link)
	"What disturbs your sleep? " Elenwë asked gently, looking to the other woman. It seemed that everyone here was plagued by demons, and this woman did not escape that curse. "But you are right, solitude and meditation can bring peace when naught else can." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	renaantilles 2013-05-06 12:50 am UTC (link)
	"A very dear friend of mine lost his love. He's in a great deal of pain and it hurts that I can not help him." She sighed, running her fingers through her hair. She really wanted to make Malcolm feel better but she knew only time would heal his wounds. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	vanya_elenwe 2013-05-06 12:54 am UTC (link)
	"I am sorry to hear it. But sometimes there is nothing one can do for one who grieves except to be there for them. It is a sadness and a pain that must run its course, and cannot be rushed." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	renaantilles 2013-05-06 01:53 am UTC (link)
	Rena nodded and sighed softly. "I just wish that there was more I could do for him. Not to rush his dealing with the grief but to make it easier for him." She started to pick at her fingernails. "I suppose the desire to help is enough, though." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	vanya_elenwe 2013-05-06 02:28 am UTC (link)
	"Some things cannot be so easily fixed. Give him time. You must allow him to hurt - do not try to stop it. Grief is necessary at times like this." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	renaantilles 2013-05-06 02:31 am UTC (link)
	Rena reached up and wiped a stray tear from her cheek, sighing shakily. "I only wish to ease his pain. I know that it is necessary." She sighed again, then shook her head. "But there is nothing that I can do about it. Only be there for him if he requests it of me." (Reply to this) (Parent)

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