InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "don't stop believin'!"

lotus_blossom (lotus_blossom) wrote in snark_n_bark,
@ 2008-11-17 19:58:00

Entry tags:

complete, faelan, padma

How did we get this far apart?
Characters: Padma, Faelan
Summary: Padma's made a decision, and Faelan's not happy...

Padma sat curled up on her couch, not even able to give herself the comfort of reading as she waited for Faelan. She'd owled him, asking him to come by, but hadn't said why. Gently running a finger across the mostly healed wound on her neck, Padma sighed. She knew what she needed to do... she just hoped Faelan would understand.

It hadn't been easy, deciding to leave the country, but it was only for a while. Just to let things calm down. She was going to owl the man who had taken credit for Mcnair's death - she thought he was in the Department of Mysteries somewhere, maybe - and let him know what was going on in the hope that he could take care of Mcnair. She would ask him to let her know when Mcnair was gone, then she'd come back. Hopefully, she'd be gone no more than a month. Time enough for a break, to take a deep breath and leave some of the horrible things that had been happening behind. Maybe Faelan could even take a few days and come visit... that would be nice.

But first she had to tell him she was going away for a while...

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runaway_cub
2008-11-17 07:28 pm UTC (link)

"That's great!" Faelan replied, relief flowing out of him in a rush so thick it felt tangible. This was what he had wanted all along, for her to reach out to those who could truly help, who were trained and ready to handle this kind of threat, who could keep her safe in the real ways he could not.

"I mean, not that he found you again," Faelan amended quickly. That part made his skin crawl. "But if you go to this Ministry bloke, he can find Macnair and get rid of him for good!" The elation at Padma's news was audible in his voice, only he paused when he noticed that Padma did not look relieved at all. "Right?"

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lotus_blossom
2008-11-17 07:29 pm UTC (link)

"Yes, he should be able to," Padma said slowly. She bit her lip. "But I think... I need to leave for a while. He knows where I am, and I can't... I need to give the man who helped me before time to track Macnair down."

She glanced up at him hopefully. "I don't think it would be for any more than a month. I would stay in Europe - Spain, maybe. And you could take a few days off and come visit...?"

Padma reached out and took his hand. "I just need to get away from Hogsmeade... away from England for a little while."

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runaway_cub
2008-11-17 07:30 pm UTC (link)

Faelan frowned and stepped backward, their joined hands stretching between them. "What do you mean?" Faelan's heart dropped into the pit of his stomach, which felt suddenly cold, his relief having vanished as quickly as it came. "That's ridiculous. Why would you need to go now, when you're finally going to ask for help? It will all be over!"

Padma's words echoed in his head. Away from Hogsmeade, away from England...away from him?

"No," he said, stiffening and pulling his fingers from hers.

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lotus_blossom
2008-11-17 07:31 pm UTC (link)

"Because it won't be over right away," Padma said, heart heavy. She should have known Faelan would take it hard... and maybe she should have agreed to stay, but she was so tired and just wanted a break. She just wanted to get away for a while. "It's going to take time to track down Macnair, and it will be safer for me away from here. As I said, I'll be back soon, and you can visit..."

Faelan obviously wasn't convinced, and Padma sighed. She wasn't going to change her mind about this. She needed to get out of England for a while, to get away from Macnair and from the reminders of everything that had happened in the last few months.

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runaway_cub
2008-11-17 07:32 pm UTC (link)

"So you're just going to give in?" Faelan demanded. "All this time, you were determined we could get Macnair by ourselves, and now, when the end is in sight, you're going to run? I agonized over this, I kept your secret, I was going to help you! And now you're giving up and leaving?"

It just didn't make sense. It made no sense that Padma would leave when she was this close to being free, unless the reason for her departure really had nothing to do with her safety. With a tight, dry feeling in his throat, Faelan swallowed.

Hadn't she been closed off with him lately, inviting him over less and less, busier with the shop and distracted and tired?

She would have done this sooner. The truth was, she would have left him sooner if she hadn't felt sorry for him because of Sirius, and now she was using this as an excuse.

Turning away, Faelan said, "You know, if you want to leave me, you can just do it without making excuses or running away."

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lotus_blossom
2008-11-17 07:33 pm UTC (link)

Padma drew back as though slapped. "I'm not trying to leave you!"

Hurt and angry, she stared at him for a moment. "And I'm not running away. I just..." need a break "... need to give them time to track him down. I'd never forgive myself if I stayed and he came to the store and did something to you or to Brenna or anyone here. I'll be back as soon as he's caught and sent back."

She supposed she should have expected this from him, but she honestly thought that he'd come to understand that she loved him and that she wouldn't just leave him. But maybe he wanted to leave her... maybe he was tired of her but felt obligated to stay.

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runaway_cub
2008-11-17 07:34 pm UTC (link)

Faelan heard what Padma said but the voice in his head was louder, telling him that she didn't care about staying with him, that she just didn't love him anymore. He knew he'd failed her, but he hadn't thought this would happen. But hadn't that always been his problem? He always tried to prepare himself for the worst, but reality still managed to reach out and bite him when he least expected it. People left. That's what they did. How did he forget?

"I thought couples were supposed to stay together when things get rough," Faelan said quietly. "But I'm usually wrong about stuff like that, aren't I?"

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	lotus_blossom 2008-11-17 07:35 pm UTC (link)
	"I didn't say anything about not staying together," Padma said, wrapping her arms around herself tightly. But it was clear that Faelan was looking for a way out, and she had handed him the perfect opportunity. "You're the one that assumed that we're breaking up, just because I'm traveling for a little while." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	runaway_cub 2008-11-17 07:36 pm UTC (link)
	"How are we supposed to stay together when you're hundreds of miles away?" Faelan's heart was beating hard with dread and pain, but he quickly shunted it away. It was kind of shocking, even to him, how quickly he could do that. By the time he looked up at Padma again, he felt nothing. "What about the store?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	lotus_blossom 2008-11-17 07:37 pm UTC (link)
	"It's just for a little while," Padma said. "Not forever. And Brenna is going to manage the store while I'm gone. But I'll be back soon." Heart aching, she wanted to reach out and touch him, but he seemed so cold and far away. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

runaway_cub
2008-11-17 07:39 pm UTC (link)

Faelan nodded and clenched his jaw, gazing out the window into the dusk. This was some kind of test, he knew it, but he couldn't find the right answer. He didn't want Padma to get hurt, and if Macnair was finding her, he did want her as far away from the man as possible. But what he wanted was not for her to leave, but for Macnair to get what he deserved. And he should have been able to do that, he should have gotten rid of the threat for Padma's benefit, so the numb sense of anger and betrayal coursing through his blood wasn't really directed at her. It was directed at himself, and at fate.

But Faelan had already shut off his emotions, so he could not realize any of that. All he could feel was the door in his heart swinging shut and closing him in.

"Okay."

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	lotus_blossom 2008-11-17 07:40 pm UTC (link)
	Padma felt that one word answer said everything. It was over. Faelan was done. He wasn't willing to stand by her any more. Swallowing back tears, she nodded. "Okay. I... I guess that's it then." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

runaway_cub
2008-11-17 07:44 pm UTC (link)

Not turning his eyes from the window, Faelan answered, "I guess so."

He should have left then, he knew it in his brain, but something in his feet kept him rooted, and all he could think about was the feeling of Padma in his arms and how he wasn't going to feel that anymore. Sure, she said she would come back, but people usually said they wouldn't leave in the first place, and then they never came back. Not for him.

She would be happy once she was safe, and she would stop missing England over time. She would start a new book store and meet someone else who was older and smarter and un-diseased, and she would stay with him and his handsome exoticness and his Spanish money.

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	lotus_blossom 2008-11-17 07:45 pm UTC (link)
	"Right," Padma said faintly. She couldn't take this anymore. She had expected... had hoped that he would understand, would come visit maybe... all that was gone. "Well, I'll see you soon. When I get back." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

runaway_cub
2008-11-17 07:46 pm UTC (link)

He wanted to kiss her. That was all his body wanted to do, but he couldn't let himself let go and risk the control he was so carefully holding onto. Stupid thoughts came to him, like the fact that he had clothes in her room and would have to finish reading "The History of British Wizardry in the Modern Age" without her there to fill in the gaps, and how cold and sad it would feel in her apartment, without her light, even though he wouldn't be there to notice it.

Instead he just stood there and said nothing until he chanced a look at her and her broken eyes. He had never done this before.

Uncertainly, he told her, "I don't really have anything else to say."

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	lotus_blossom 2008-11-17 07:48 pm UTC (link)
	"Me either," Padma admitted. She wanted to touch him, to hug him one last time, but she couldn't. Carefully taking a step back, she took a deep breath and willed herself not to cry. "Bye." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

runaway_cub
2008-11-17 07:50 pm UTC (link)

It was a long, conflicted moment as Faelan stood there watching her, waiting to see if she would close the space between them, or if he would break and do it, but she didn't and he didn't. He wasn't sure if it was easier or harder to stand there all alone, but in the end it didn't matter. He gave up before he had to decide.

He hadn't even taken off his coat. "Bye," he said, and moved to the door. Without another word, he pulled it open, then quietly shut it behind him. Already, it was just another chapter come and gone.

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lotus_blossom
2008-11-17 07:51 pm UTC (link)

The door shut behind him, and Padma stood there a moment, torn between running after him to beg him not to leave and hoping that he would come back in on his own and say he didn't want to leave her. After a few moments, Padma realized that he was really gone, that he had really left her... that he wasn't going to even try.

Padma closed her hand around the heart necklace that he had given her, intent on yanking it off... but she couldn't do it. Instead, clutching the simple, beautiful heart, she sat down on her couch and cried.

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