Entry tags:

event: halloween challenge, fic, member: suitesamba, pairing: severus/harry, rating: pg

A Very Snapeish Halloween by suitesamba
Title: A Very Snape-ish Halloween (or “Severus and the Mars Bars”)
Author: suitesamba
Pairing: Harry/Severus
Other Characters: Ron Weasley, Rose Weasley, Hugo Weasley, Satan, Winston Churchill, Princess Beatrice, Severus’ Muggle neighbors
Rating: PG
Word count: 1712
Warning: *Very bad jokes; use of potion for personal gain; absolutely no respect for real or canonical timeline; the only research done was to verify candy bar names in the UK—author did not research Halloween traditions there because the severus_sighs mods did not give adequate notice of this fest and I do have to do “real” work sometime to make a living*
Summary: Severus stays home to answer the door and give out treats on Halloween.
A/N: My dad told me the duck joke shortly before he died. We were sitting in his pickup truck at a red light. He was funny like that. Thanks to veridari and abrae for the quick pre-read and beta. Someone had to tell me the jokes were funny. If they’re not, you now know who to talk to.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Never were. Never will be. No profit is being made from this (very) amateur work.

A Very Snapeish Halloween

“Trick or Treat!”

Severus opened the door and stared at the three neighborhood Muggle children on his doorstep. He frowned, looking past them at two adults on the walk near the street, both holding Muggle torches.

“What do you want?”” he deadpanned. They glanced at each other but held their ground. “And why are you dressed that way?”

“These are our costumes, Mister. And we want treats. It’s Halloween.”

Severus folded his arms across his chest and stared hard at the boy.

“You are dressed as Satan.” He narrowed his eyes and looked at the second boy, this one a bit younger than the first, then back at Satan. “Who is he?”

“My brother,” answered the smallish devil. “He’s Winston Churchill.”

“Oh.” Severus’ gaze slid back to the smaller boy.

“There is no such thing as a good tax!” exclaimed mini-Winnie in a high-pitched voice.

“Decidedly.” Severus looked up at the torch-bearing parents on the walk. “Well, thank you for dropping by.” He tried to close the door.

Except it didn’t close.

“Your foot is in my door,” said Severus, gazing at the offending foot.

“You haven’t given us a treat yet,” said the girl, in a bossy, reproving voice. She reminded him of Granger.

Severus looked down over his nose at her. The girl was wearing a formal suit dress and…well…something on her head. Something ridiculous.

“What is this?” asked Severus, sighing and stepping back onto the porch. He touched the thing on her head gingerly.

“It’s my fascinator,” she answered, rather primly. “I’m Princess Beatrice at William and Kate’s wedding.” She twirled.

“Fascinating,” Severus said. He frowned again, looking down at the children, regretting now that he had bothered to answer the door when the bell rang, even though Harry had left him a clear directive on the matter. “Aren’t you supposed to tell a joke or entertain me with a trick before you get a treat?”

“I have a joke! I have a joke!” Mini-Winnie, who actually did look quite a bit like Winston Churchill, jumped up and down until he trod on Severus’ foot.

“Do tell,” said Severus, swallowing a curse.

“What has four legs and a tail?” asked the child.

“A dog.”

“No, a cat!” The child held out a hollow plastic pumpkin hopefully and shook it. Severus reached in and took out a candy bar.

“Hey!”

Severus unwrapped the sweet and took a bite. “That joke was abysmal.” He looked at the other two children. “Can either of you do better?”

“Why was the baby ghost sad?” asked the other boy.

“I don’t know. Why was the baby ghost sad?” asked Severus, refraining from mentioning that there were no baby ghosts; that babies did not purposely try to stay on the worldly plane upon departing this life.

“Because it wanted its mummy,” pronounced the boy. Mini-Winnie started giggling.

“That was pathetic,” said Severus. He turned toward the girl. She looked up at him keenly.

“How do you stop a fish from smelling?” she asked.

Severus stared back at her just as keenly. “I don’t know. How do you stop a fish from smelling?”

“Cut its nose off!” she exclaimed.

Hmm. That one had promise. But, acting on his long-held belief that you should never let a child know she has managed to amuse you, he kept a straight face.

“Fish don’t have noses,” he said dryly.

“Oh come on, Snape! That one was funny!” One of the adults on the sidewalk shone the torch beam at him. “Just give them a treat so we can get on our way.”

“Fine.” Severus reached into his pocket and drew out a handful of objects. He dropped one into each plastic pumpkin.

Mini-Winnie took his out to examine it. “Ewww. What is it?”

“That is a bezoar,” answered Severus. “It is highly valuable and quite rare.”

“But what is it?” The other boy was holding his too, a mixture of fascination and disgust on his face.

“It is a mass found trapped in the gastrointestinal system of certain animals. Those came from goats.”

“Ewwwwww!”

Severus closed the door as the children backed away.

~*~

“Trick or Treat!”

“Mr. Weasley. Miss Weasley.” Severus nodded at the two children on his doorstep. “What do you want?”

“Trick or Treat! Trick or Treat! Trick or Treat!” Little Hugo was decidedly carried away, and Severus suspected he had already eaten most of his candy. He jumped up and down, reminding Severus of the mini-Winnie who had recently departed.

“Why are you wearing glasses?” asked Severus, squinting to see the child better as he zoomed back and forth on the porch. “And what is that dirt on your forehead?”

“He’s dressed as Uncle Harry,” said Rose, giggling. “That’s his scar.”

“Your trainer is untied,” sighed Severus. “Just like your uncle.” He eyed Rose again. “And who are you, young lady?”

“Rose Weasley,” answered Rose. She giggled again.

“I know you are Rose Weasley,” answered Severus. “Who are you impersonating tonight?”

“Can’t you tell?” She sounded terribly disappointed.

Severus ignored her long white wig, white beard and half-moon glasses. He looked past her midnight blue robes with silver stars and moons. “No, I cannot.”

“I’m Albus Dumbledore!”

“Albus Dumbledore is dead.”

Rose looked like she was going to cry.

“I have a joke! I have a joke!” Hugo danced around Rose, jumping on top of Severus’ toes.

“Go on.” Severus winced and took a step backward.

“What’s invis’ble and smells like carrots?”

“I have no idea.”

“Rabbit farts!”

Severus stared at the little boy and barely, just barely, kept from smiling.

“I have one too,” grumbled Rose.

“I hope it came from your father and not your mother,” said Severus. “I do not wish to hear a joke about a library.”

“Just let her tell the joke, Severus!” called out a voice from the sidewalk. A bright lumos shone from a wand tip and nearly blinded him.

“What do you call a woman with one leg?” Rose asked.

“Um…Rosie…not that one…” The lumos shone again from the sidewalk.

“Eileen!” she shouted. “Get it? I-lean?” She stood on one leg and leaned to the side.

“Eileen was my mother’s name,” said Severus flatly. “She is dead as well.”

“Oops.” Rose turned pink behind the beard.

“Just give them their treats so we can get going.” Ron Weasley’s voice sounded mildly amused.

“Hooray! Bezoars!” said Rose, shaking her pumpkin.

Severus closed the door before she could hug him.

~*~

“Trick or Treat!”

“Aren’t you a bit old to be trick-or-treating?” Severus folded his arms across his chest and stepped onto the porch. It was late. His last trick-or-treater had come through thirty minutes ago. “We’re fresh out of bezoars.”

“Bezoars again this year, Severus?” The child on the front porch rolled his green eyes behind his glasses in a decidedly unchildlike manner. “Now let me in and bring me that antidote for the de-aging potion.”

“Not so fast,” said Severus, stepping in front of the boy before he could worm his way inside. “You know the price of entrance and that potion. A joke. A good joke.”

“Listen, Severus, I’ve got to use the loo. I’m not used to having the bladder of a seven-year-old. That wine with dinner is going right through me.”

“Then make it a short joke.” Severus stood, resolute.

“Turns out that pounding a stake through a vampire’s heart works even if the bloke isn’t a vampire,” said Harry.

Severus stared at him. “That isn’t a joke.”

“But it’s kind of funny—in a sick sort of way.”

“Marginally. But I requested a joke.”

“Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?”

Severus lifted one shoulder in a disinterested shrug.

“She kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face and moaning ‘Lie to me’!”

Severus stared at Harry coldly and shook his head.

Harry tried again. “Where do you get virgin wool?”

Severus rolled his eyes.

“Really ugly sheep.” Little Harry was holding his crotch now and began hopping on one leg. Severus just stared at him.

“What did the elephant say to the naked man?”

Severus raised an eyebrow.

“It’s cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?”

Severus managed to remain stern-looking.

“What does a 500-lb duck say?”

Severus jumped, startled, as Harry screamed, “QUACK!!!!”

“You may just stay seven-years-old all week for that one,” he said, rubbing his ears.

“Fine. At least I won’t have to shave. And I can sleep in the guest room and you won’t keep me awake with your snoring.”

“I do not snore.” Severus stepped in front of him as Harry once again tried to maneuver his way inside. “My joke?”

“What has four legs, six pockets, is big and green and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would probably kill you?”

“I have no idea.”

“A snooker table. Now let me IN, Severus. And get me my potion. Look how much candy I got this year!” He held up a heavy pillowcase. “You’ll be drowning in Mars Bars ‘til Christmas.”

Severus’ eyes lit up. He snatched the bag away and Harry slipped inside while Severus was distracted by the shiny wrappers.

“And this is the last year I’m going trick-or-treating for you,” came Harry’s voice from the loo. “I think the neighbors are getting suspicious.”

Severus dumped the pillowcase out onto the kitchen table and began sorting the candy into piles.

“Forty-two,” he called out after a few minutes.

“Forty-two?” Harry, restored to normal size and age, walked into the living room wearing his bathrobe. “That’s six more than last year.” He walked over to the table and looked at the booty. “And at least two dozen Starbars.”

“You did well,” said Severus. “You shall be rewarded.”

Harry grinned. “You mean…?”

Severus nodded. “I do.”

“I’ll go get my teaching robes.”

Severus sighed as Harry disappeared down the corridor. He picked up a Mars Bar, neatly removed the wrapper and took a bite, chewing with great satisfaction. Teaching Harry to walk so that his robes billowed about him was small price to pay for a month’s supply of chocolate.

He snickered.

Snooker table indeed.

Fin

Just one more joke

Me: Knock-Knock.
You: Who’s there?
Me: Impatient Cow.
You: Impatient Cow W…?
Me: MOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Happy #Halloweenishness!