InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "COME AT ME BRO!"

noli timere messorem (defyuntildeath) wrote in paxletalelogs,
@ 2017-02-12 17:08:00

Entry tags:

kali, loki

Well, I woke up this morning, and I got myself a beer
Who: Nishka and Jayati
What: drinking and talking, the usual
When 2/11 4PM
Where: The Last Stop
Rating: PG-13 at leat probably for language

Jayati was familiar with bar going types, though each different sort of bar attracted a different bunch of people. People who were at a bar to drink (especially alone) at 4pm usually fell into a few categories; social anxiety type who wanted to drink but couldn't deal with the crowds of nighttime, the type who hated their home and didn't want to be there even when they had no jobs and bored people who tended to need alcohol when they were idle.

Of course, the fact that it was a Saturday changed things a bit, along with if it was a cop bar or criminal one. The Last Stop was neither of those things, though there were a few plain clothes that came in after shift and more than a few who ran in the circles she used to. She stayed out of both groups ways and didn't interfere, the local chop shop and small time thieves were none of her business as far as she was concerned.

Still. She liked the bar at 4PM, it wasn't too busy, the people tended to not be overly rowdy, and they usually were the type to know exactly what they wanted already. So overall, she was in a good mood. Better, when she saw Nishka come in. The two had started off their acquaintance in an unusual way, but it had settled into if not friendship(although it was close, if nothing else because there was a level of trust between them) then at least a solid sort of respect and rapport between them.

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nishka
2017-02-13 02:24 pm UTC (link)

Nish accepted the glass of whiskey happily, taking a sip as she sat down at the bar. "Ohh, yeah," she said with a dismissive wave and a wry grin. "It's just..." she sighed, debating whether or not to go into it, and finally deciding. They were friends, sort of, and she'd never gone into details with her about Rafe, especially not what he did for a living, just generalities.

"Valentine's day, Jay," she said, chewing on her lip. "I never gave a shit about it before, but..." she took another sip. "He's working. I told him I didn't care, but..." It bothered her how much this bothered her. It wasn't at all what she'd wanted, but she couldn't stop feeling it. 'So much for not giving power over your heart to another man,' the voice chided, and she sighed into her glass.

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defyuntildeath
2017-02-13 06:07 pm UTC (link)

Oh. Love life problems. Man, she was exactly the wrong bartender for this kind of unburdening, since her last regular who had brought up something vaguely relationshipy had gotten a thinly veiled, well I would just hurt them.

Surely Nishka and this guy weren't that serious were they? From what she recalled they hadn't been hanging around each other that long although she was voluntarily a little short on detail, "He's not going to be working all twelve hours of the day though right? If he's working at night have a big fancy romantic breakfast, if he's working in the morning have a fancy dinner." Her Ex (the only one given capitals in her mind, though she avoided his name even in her head) had made grand meals for their few Valentines days together, but cooking for her was one of his favorite things. Supposedly.

Man. What a shitty dirty rabbit hole she was about to trip in, "Do you care, or don't you, are you lyin' to yourself or him?"

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nishka
2017-02-13 06:57 pm UTC (link)

She smiled wryly at the suggestions, idly thinking about what the chances were that she could lure him over for Monday night and keep him for breakfast. She didn’t want to seem clingy though, or interfere in his work. She didn’t want to know the details of how he prepared for his…clients. Don’t ask, don’t tell.

“It’s not that simple,” she said, but didn’t elaborate. Jay caught her attention though with her barrage of questions, echoing what she had been asking herself all afternoon. And try as she might, for every one of those four questions, all she came back with was one answer.

“Yes,” she said simply, as if that answered everything asked. And, she supposed it did. She drained the rest of her glass and indicated to her that she’d have another.

“I swore I’d never do this again,” she said with a sigh, “but I’m right back in it. It’s like there’s two different…’me’s duking it out in my head, and I don’t know which to root for.” She’d never spoken to anyone about this, about the voice that badgered her, getting stronger by the day, arguing with her and second guessing her decisions. Right now she could feel it there in the back of her mind, but it was quiet and watchful, wanting to see where she was going with this.

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defyuntildeath
2017-02-14 12:51 pm UTC (link)

Jayati sighed even as she refilled her friend's glass, looking conflicted for a moment before she reached under the bar to grab a shot glass and pour herself a shot of cheap vodka. She drained the shot in one go, tossing it to the back of her throat with a practiced ease and rolling her shoulders at the pleasant warmth as it slid down her throat.

"Yes it is, it's almost always more simple than we make it out to be. You're a people. He's a people bam. Done." Things were better when they were kept simple, less variables, less complications and shades of gray.

She listened with the attentiveness of someone who did this for a living, even if sometimes it was the most she could offer. She ran a finger over the still damp rim of the shot glass, gathering her words before she spoke, "What's your end goal, Nishka?"

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nishka
2017-02-14 02:32 pm UTC (link)

Nish chuckled at the simplistic answer, wishing that it really was that simple. It was one of her reasons for not wanting a relationship in the first place- how damn complicated it all got after a while. Because she knew full well, sooner or later, she would do something to fuck it all up, and she’d spend the last few months of their relationship fumbling to put the broken pieces back together, only to find that some of them were missing, and the others no longer fit.

The question made her think, made her look down into her glass as if it held the answers, but all she saw in there was a bottomless pit. “I don’t think I have one,” she said finally, taking another sip and pausing thoughtfully as it burned its way down her throat. “And I think that’s the problem. I never do.” She was good at hookups, good at the initial stages of getting to know the other person, but the rest was up in the air. She’d never gone into a relationship with a plan, and they always fell apart at the midpoint.

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defyuntildeath
2017-02-14 06:59 pm UTC (link)

Jayati's hands twitched back towards the vodka bottle, but she tried to resist at least for the moment. It wasn't that she was an alcoholic or anything, she just didn't have a great deal of self control when it came to indulgences. It definitely wasn't because it had been less than a year since. Well. Since shit went to hell in New York.

Well. This was why she was abysmal at this. She took a step back from the bar so she could prop her elbows up on it and rest her head in her hands, looking at Nishka a little closer to her level, "Look, the problem is you're afraid to get hurt, and getting hurt is inevitable because you're alive. Think about it, what's the worse that could happen? Heartbreak? You've survived that before haven't you?"

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nishka
2017-02-14 07:21 pm UTC (link)

She gave her a humourless smirk. “Barely.” She took another drink, setting the nearly empty glass back down on the bar. “My last relationship…I ended it when he cheated on me.” Inside, the voice was getting irritated. ’Careful, Nish,’ it warned, but she mentally kicked it back into its corner. For now, at least. She needed to talk this out.

“The one before that…” she swallowed thickly, “ended with a trip to the ER and a restraining order.” She chewed her lip for a moment and continued. “Then there was my professor, the enabler, the married man…” she snorted in self-derision. “I’m shit at picking men. So of course when I meet a new one and I’m actually happy…well, let’s just say I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.” She drank down the last of her glass, avoiding Jay’s eyes.

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defyuntildeath
2017-02-15 06:31 pm UTC (link)

Well. Shit. That was unexpected. Jay wasn't entirely sure how to react to it if she were being honest, most of the allusions to their pasts had been purposefully vague and for good reason. This threw off the balance and showed a great deal of trust that she wasn't used to.

Pep talks weren't her specialty, especially when the person had legitimate concerns and baggage with them like Nishka seemed to. So she grabbed a rag instead to wipe down the bar, trying to hide the way her face transformed into a snarl about the trip to the ER. There was only the sound of rushing blood in her ears before she forced it down--even she had standards.

Finally, "It may just drop, by you or by him. But that doesn't mean you can't take what happiness you can until then." She wasn't an optimist, and wasn't going to lie about it, "But look, heartbreak obviously isn't going to stop you from developing feelings, so embrace the inevitable instead of wasting energy denying it." It's like her, she wasn't going to stop being angry and violent, so instead she had embraced it and learned how to do it better. Oh, and to make money from it.

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nishka
2017-02-15 06:49 pm UTC (link)

She thought on that for a long time, pulling apart the pros and cons in the other woman’s words. The truth was, she was just so tired of all the bullshit. She wasn’t 20 anymore, and as much as she told herself otherwise, she wanted to be done with that life. Getting drunk, picking up guys, staying together for a short time and then fucking it up, only to do it again. She wanted…well, what she and Rafe had. And she hadn’t known it was something she wanted until she had it.

She tipped back the last of her drink and put the glass down, chewing on the inside of her cheek for a moment. “What would you do?” she asked, though even as the words left her mouth she knew she was asking the wrong person. “If you were in love with someone that…you couldn’t have…all of?” She hadn’t planned on saying it; it was as if someone else was speaking with her voice. She hadn’t breathed the word ‘love’ since she and Rafe got together, and even now it felt awkward on her lips.

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defyuntildeath
2017-02-16 04:55 am UTC (link)

At that question she gave a wry laugh, "Well in theory I think partnerships should be equal, both people should put in equally, so I would say fuck 'em" The twitching of her fingers gave in and she poured herself another shot, staring at the clear liquid contemplatively before she tossed it to the back of her throat.

Jay tapped her glass with her finger, "More?" Sidestepping the question for a moment before going back to it, "In practice though, I'm the one keeping things from the other person." She gave half a shrug, not feeling guilty for the admission in the least, "It's part of the package with some people I think, you can wait for them to change, or you can get out before it starts to get to you too bad."

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nishka
2017-02-17 03:02 pm UTC (link)

Nish let out a humourless laugh at the simplistic answer, which did not at all fit with her situation. She couldn’t just leave, because she was already in too deep. If she left now, she would be hurting herself just as much as if she stayed. It was the exact situation she didn’t ever want to be in again, but here she was.

She met the other woman’s eyes when she tapped her glass, nodding without a thought, but as she watched the liquid being poured, realized that she probably should have said no. She sipped at it while Jay talked, listening quietly, but then shaking her head. “Or you can just take them as they are,” she suggested. The thought wasn’t a conscious one; the words surprised even her as they left her lips, though they seemed to make sense as they hung in the air between them. “I just hope he can do the same for me.” She drank too much, she knew it. She couldn’t say no to anything or anyone offering her pleasure. She had a temper. She…heard voices. She would by no means be a perfect girlfriend, and it was only a matter of time before he figured that out.

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defyuntildeath
2017-02-17 06:13 pm UTC (link)

As a friend she should probably be worried about Nishka using liquor as therapy, though she was by no means the only regular to do that. But it definitely didn't seem to be helping her mood.

Jayati rolled her neck across her shoulders while she cracked her knuckles and gathered her thoughts, "Just don't accept things you shouldn't just because you're lonely, don't let the justifications outweigh the benefits." She took a deep breath, "If he can't then fuck 'em, but you might as well enjoy it now right?"

Her gaze settled on the doorway and the bit of light that shined through the sides, "The only person I was ever really tits over heels in love with said he accepted me, and it ended with me having to cut 99% of my ties, leave my home state I loved and change my name. But you know what," She looked at Nishka with steel in her eyes, "I don't regret it, take the happiness that comes even if it's temporary." There was nothing but conviction and sincerity in her words, belief never wavering in what she said.

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nishka
2017-02-17 06:35 pm UTC (link)

Slowly, a smile crept over her lips, and this time it reached her eyes. “I am happy,” she said. “He makes me feel…well, it’s hard to describe.” She looked down at her glass, toying with it against the bar. “I’ve never been with anyone like him before.” And that right there was why she was so terrified to lose him. And why, when she couldn’t be with him, it hurt more than she would admit to. Especially to him.

“Also, my cat likes him, so I guess he can stay,” she added with a chuckle, downing the last of her drink. She fished in her pocket for her credit card and put it on the bar with a sigh. “I should go…I have to work in the morning. I think…tomorrow I’m going to get some takeout and watch a movie with my cat and just…pretend it’s like any other day.” Valentine’s Day was a made up holiday anyway. Fuck Valentine’s Day.

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