InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I acknowledge your pain"

theprettybeta (theprettybeta) wrote in paradisolog,
@ 2016-04-15 00:17:00

Entry tags:

~isaac lahey (theprettybeta), ~lydia martin (eunoia)

WHO: Isaac Lahey and Lydia Martin
WHERE: Lydia's shelter
WHEN: Early Friday Morning
WHAT: Feels. Just accept that there's going to be a lot of feels.
WARNINGS: So many feels.
STATUS: Closed/Incomplete

I was left alone. Still, I waited for the day when she'd say "I will always love you."

It had been two years. Two full years for Isaac, and in those two years he spent every moment he had trying to concentrate on sifting through the complicated, complex emotions that he had originally ran away from. For two years, Isaac Lahey convinced himself that he was getting better, and last night that all fell apart in one fell swoop. Two years of denial unraveled into an explosive outburst, one that pushed away the only person who had ever shown him mercy who was still alive, and it was his own fault. Isaac shouldn't have bothered convincing himself that he was strong enough to move past what had happened to him. Perhaps he would have been able to go his entire life pretending, but he should have known the second he found out that Beacon Hills had followed him there that it was all going to fall apart. Maybe a part of him did know that, and he had just been waiting for the dam to break. It finally did, and with it came a flood of everything he had locked away. Anger, betrayal, guilt, fear, all of it was drowning him, and the worst part was that Isaac had no one to turn to.

He didn't know people here, and he was mostly afraid that unloading everything he felt would paint Allison out to be monster if he did it to anyone who didn't know her. He didn't want that. There were only a few people here who knew Allison, Stiles, Scott and Lydia, and none of them were ideal for Isaac to speak to. Scott for obvious reasons, Stiles because they never got along. And Lydia... she had gone through the same thing. She didn't need to relive it just because Isaac had to. He had tried to stay neutral in the little spat between her and Scott, they were both being hyper sensitive and Isaac, honestly, wanted nothing to do with any of it. But apparently that wasn't good enough, and now he wanted to make sure that Lydia was okay after Scott had started to bring up the past, again. She was pregnant. What the hell was he thinking, trying to upset her like that in her state?

So, Isaac wanted to check on her. He liked to think that Stiles would have taken care of Scott to make sure that he would stop putting Lydia down, at least publicly, but Isaac had a feeling that it was only wishful thinking. He reached her shelter just after sunrise, calling out quietly to avoid waking her if she was still asleep because he didn't want to stick his head in if she wasn't decent. "Lydia? I brought you something." More combs, now that she had found her shampoo, and a little more coconut oil just in case. "Are you awake?

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eunoia
2016-04-15 05:58 am UTC (link)

"I don't care anymore," Lydia confessed and she looked it. She was too drained, too tired, too sore, too sick; too fucking pregnant to waste her time worrying about whether Scott McCall liked her or not, anymore.

She had seen, but Lydia wasn't really sure it was her place to say anything. It was clear that he hadn't wanted to spill all of that but Scott had pressed his buttons and the proverbial dam broke. She knew the feeling. Every time she saw Scott on the network nagging at someone — usually Derek now that he couldn't rail on her — Lydia fought that battle to keep her thoughts to herself. So far, she'd been winning it. Isaac, on the other hand, had not. So, rather than say anything, she just gave a nod of acknowledgement. Yes, she'd seen.

A soft huff escaped her, a sound caught somewhere between incredulity and amusement, and she looked over at him with arched eyebrows and a drawn expression. "Shut up, I know I look a hot mess," she replied, but the smallest of smiles tugged at the corners of her mouth anyway. She appreciated the compliment, even though she knew there was no damn way it was genuine. "I'm a little sore, it's fine," she said. So far, nothing she couldn't handle, just an obnoxious and persistent dull sort of throb that couldn't decide whether it wanted to settle in her breasts, her back, or right behind her eyes. Sometimes it compensated for the confusion by settling in all three.

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theprettybeta
2016-04-15 06:23 am UTC (link)

"Then you're lucky," Isaac replied honestly, his voice slipping into something more bitter. Isaac wish he didn't care. But having said all of that to Scott... it was the first time he had admitted any of it to another person. By admitting it, it meant that he had to admit to himself that he wasn't nearly as past any of it as he tried to convince himself that he was, and that disappointment in himself had reared it's ugly head all over again. He felt like he couldn't do anything right anymore, and the scariest part of it was that he didn't know what else he lied about to himself. It was as if he was realizing that even he didn't know who he was anymore.

"A hot mess is still hot though," he argued with a small smile, but it didn't exactly reach his eyes. "You know I would tell you if you looked like shit, Lydia. You look good. I mean it. I told you before, you've just got one of those faces."

He didn't wait for her to ask, because he knew that she wouldn't. Instead, Isaac took a few steps ahead of Lydia before turning to stand before her so she would stop moving, and he stared down at her for a few seconds before his hands moved so he could gently place his fingertips on either side of her head at her temples. His blue eyes seemed a little more dull, a little more tired with the shadows under them, and that made sense considering he still hadn't slept. Despite the vacant look in his face, though, he managed another slight smile as he pulled some of that ache out of her, ink running up the veins of his arms. If she didn't want it she could move away from him, but Isaac needed to feel useful somewhere. It helped him just as much as it helped her.

"I'm sorry," he finally managed to mutter under his breath. "I didn't want you to see any of that. I wasn't thinking, I've regretted putting it out there ever since it happened. ...I don't know what came over me."

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eunoia
2016-04-15 06:43 am UTC (link)

Her eyes shifted over Isaac's face when she caught the bitterness in his tone. Isaac hadn't had things easy. Lydia didn't know the full extent and she didn't want to unless he felt so inclined to tell her...but she knew he hadn't had things easy. She spent a lot of time sneaking in and out of Jackson's house once upon a time. She heard the yelling. She saw little things she tried to tell herself were none of her business, at the time that, in retrospect, she should've reported. To start with that and wind up where he was now, Lydia felt sad for him. She didn't pity him, but she felt sad that he'd come to this place thinking that it would be a way to finally escape everything and start over fresh — just like she had — and instead he'd just been thrust right back into the shit storm.

"No you wouldn't," she replied dismissively. "You're too nice a guy to tell a pregnant girl she looks like shit," she pointed out to clarify. It came coupled with a little smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.

Lydia stopped abruptly when Isaac cut her off and she sighed softly, half with resignation and half with relief when she felt him sapping some of that dull ache out of her. Her eyes slipped shut and she shouldn't have, but she let him take it. Something told her that he wouldn't be doing it if he didn't feel like he needed to, for whatever reason. A part of her thought that he felt obligated to her because she had been Allison's best friend and because he loved Allison so much. Lydia's drawn expression tugged slightly when he spoke up, an effort to remain neutral when it felt like a stab to the heart.

"It's okay, Isaac," she whispered, opening her eyes, searching his. He looked tired. "I know that you think she didn't love you and probably nothing I can say will change your mind, and that's your right...but she did," she said softly. It hadn't been exactly the same and she made no attempt to get Isaac to believe that when Lydia didn't know it to be true; she knew that her friend loved Isaac, but she didn't know that she'd loved him as much as Scott. She supposed that Allison couldn't have, really. Being in love for the first time had a way of settling itself deep in one's heart. Lydia hated Jackson for leaving her behind, but she still loved him and she always would. "Allison cared about you a lot, Isaac. She really did."

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theprettybeta
2016-04-15 07:29 am UTC (link)

At first, Isaac didn't say anything when Lydia tried to reassure him of Allison's feelings. His temper spiked when the words left her but he knew it was because he was tired, and he knew that he should expect to hear something like that from Lydia because she was Allison's best friend. So at first, he just concentrated on sapping her pain away and letting his own mood bounce back from the sudden sour turn it took, and when he finally started to respond he spoke calmly, almost monotonously.

"I know she cared about me." He gave a tired facial shrug, his hands still steady. "I never doubted that. That she cared about me. But it doesn't work like that, Lydia." And how could she understand that? Every relationship Lydia was in, she was in with someone who showed her how they felt. Even Jackson, in the end, gained his humanity because he felt for Lydia so strongly that it anchored him. "It was just supposed to be physical." The confession slipped out of him before he could stop it, but Isaac didn't care anymore. He just didn't care. "Her and Scott were over. Scott was moving on, and I had never been with a woman before. Not because I didn't want to, I just... it wasn't like I was allowed to stay out late. It wasn't like I would ever bring a girl home, I never knew what mood dad would be in. I didn't want to take the chance of someone getting hurt, but then dad was gone. And there was Allison, and she was - I mean, you know, she was gorgeous."

Isaac shrugged softly, his hands moving from her temples to her shoulders to concentrate more on the ache in her back. "So it was just supposed to be physical. But then we started talking and I realized that she wasn't... trying to avoid me. We would just talk. I never just talked. But I did with her, for hours, and then it wasn't about trying to have sex. It was just about being around Allison. I told her that she was important to me but there was never - I didn't get that confirmation. I just thought she was reserved, you know? And that was fine. Even when I found out that I had fallen for her, it was fine."

Isaac's tired eyes moved to Lydia's face and he held her gaze. "But when you have someone who you spend your first night with, someone who's the first - the only good thing that's ever happened to you? It doesn't matter if her friends can vouch for her. It doesn't matter what they think. Unless she told you that she loved me then you don't know that, Lydia. You knew her, but you didn't know that. Not unless she said it. And from what I know, she never said it." He finally let his hands fall from her, arms aching. "I was right there and she didn't want me. She wanted Scott, she always wanted Scott, and that's fine. I didn't exist in that moment. Of course she would always care about Scott, he was her first love." His fingers pushed their way through his own hair roughly. "But if you felt the same way for Aiden that you did for Jackson... whether you did or not, I'm just saying, if you did, and they were both there, is Jackson who you would reach out for? First love or not, would you reach for the past if you had someone you loved there in the present? No. So, no, she didn't love me. She never said it. She never suggested it. So unless you can say she confessed that to you and not to me, don't say that, Lydia. I wouldn't try to reassure you about something I could never know. Don't do that to me."

Maybe Lydia was trying to convince herself because she didn't like the idea of Allison leading Isaac on and that was fine, it was completely understandable. But Isaac didn't want to feed into that vision, because it would just do more damage to him. "Maybe with more time, but not then. I wasn't good enough, then. I wasn't-" He stopped himself abruptly with a weak frown. He wasn't Scott.

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eunoia
2016-04-15 02:56 pm UTC (link)

It was just supposed to be physical, he said and she'd already known that because Allison had said as much, but to hear him say it out loud felt a little like a slap in the face. She was quiet as she listened, because maybe he just needed to get it out. A nod here or there — "you know, she was gorgeous," earned him one — to let him know that she was listening was enough, but Lydia couldn't interrupt him right now. Nor did she particularly want to. She didn't like that he was retelling his painful thoughts while literally sucking pregnancy pains out of her body, but she didn't pull away because Lydia didn't know Isaac very well, but she got the feeling that everything he did, he did it for a reason and she really doubted that taking her pain had anything to do with her in that moment.

Allison hadn't ever said it to Lydia. But she also hadn't ever told Lydia that she loved Scott; Lydia had just known it. She'd told Scott, apparently, but she hadn't ever said it to Lydia. Lydia got the feeling that it was because Allison could just kind of tell that Lydia preferred to shut off her feelings. The redhead didn't like to talk about how she felt. Even with Jackson, they never said it all that often, if at all. Maybe they hadn't even said it at all except that night when he changed from a kanima to a werewolf — something she still didn't understand — and Allison knew that about her. Lydia wasn't a feelings kind of girl when it came to guys. So Allison never talked about feelings, Lydia just...read them from her friend's body language when she talked about the boys. Telling Isaac that wasn't going to help anything, so she didn't, but she could feel her eyes prickling with tears she didn't particularly want to fall. She didn't understand why Allison hadn't reached for Isaac and maybe part of her didn't want to know, anymore, but she was confident that Allison had loved him.

He said he wasn't good enough then and Lydia looked away, attempting to blink back the tears, but all she managed to do was set them loose. She reached up and swiped them away quickly and, thankfully, they were but two rogues. She could identify with that feeling more than she wanted to. Her father left her mother but he'd left Lydia, too. Jackson said he loved her, but he left her, too. Allison and Aiden were dead. Finnick hated her because she wasn't ready to develop feelings for someone she barely knew.

Why was she so goddamned easy to leave?

"I'm sorry that she never told you," she said, her voice tight until she cleared her throat. "And no, she didn't say it to me, but we didn't talk about those things. She didn't say it to me about Scott, either. I'm not really big on talking about feelings she always knew that. So, no. She never said it." But I knew Allison, she thought, pressing her lips together as her chin started to quiver. Maybe they should've been the kind of friends who talked about feelings. Maybe if Lydia had told Allison how much she loved her — and not just in passing or casually, but really how much — things would've been different. Maybe Allison would've listened and trusted Lydia's judgement when she'd told Allison not to find her.

But it was too late now and there was no use thinking about that any more than she already had.

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theprettybeta
2016-04-16 12:06 am UTC (link)

"She didn't say it to you about Scott. But believe me. She told Scott." His face softened when he saw the emotion starting to rise in Lydia's eyes. "I'm not going to sit here and assume she felt something that she never said she felt. I loved her. Manipulating the memory of someone after losing them to make them into the person you wanted them to be instead of the person they were... to me, that's unfair to Allison. I loved her the way that I remember her. I don't have to change her into someone who felt something else to know that I loved her. I can't do that to her, Lydia, I can't say that she felt a certain way just because it makes me feel better. That's not fair to her memory." And Isaac left it at that. Allison may have been Lydia's best friend and Isaac would always take Lydia's opinion to heart because of that when it came to the woman they both lost, but this situation was different. It was remarkably easy to stand there and convince yourself that someone was in love when you weren't the one they were supposedly in love with. Lydia's eye was more biased and less objective when it came to Allison, but to Isaac, it was practically black and white. Allison never told Lydia who she loved, so Lydia wouldn't know. She told Scott that she loved him, so she did. She never told Isaac. She never suggested it to Isaac. It would have been unrealistic and unfair to Allison to tell himself that she loved him after she had died. He tilted his head as he stared at her with sad eyes, moving a hand to brush a few loose strands of red hair behind Lydia's ear.

"There's nothing to be sorry about," he said firmly, already working to pull Lydia out of the hole she was falling into. "It would have been nice to hear but it doesn't change the person that she was and it doesn't change what she had done for me. Everything else is just - it doesn't matter, everything else is in my head and it's there because of the person that I am, Lydia, I can't stop it. I can't change it, I can't move forward, but that's my own fault. Don't get upset, Lydia." Isaac swiped his thumb across her cheek with a tired shake of his head, fingers returning to her shoulder to start draining away some of that ache once more. "It's not worth getting upset over, it's alright."

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eunoia
2016-04-16 11:30 pm UTC (link)

It wasn't worth arguing over, Lydia decided. If Isaac was convinced that Allison didn't love him, then nothing that Lydia could say was going to change that and maybe it wasn't her place, anyway. She looked down and sniffed as she nodded before looking back up at him again when he moved to brush her hair behind her ear. "I'm not...I'm just pregnant," she sighed.

She'd known Isaac a little; he wasn't a stranger, or anything. But she'd never really known him and seeing that sadness in his eyes was difficult. In Lydia's opinion, he was such a good person and he'd spent too long feeling like he wasn't. She just didn't know if there was anything she could say to change his mind and show him that he was important here. The things he was doing in the camp, they were important. Contributing to the effort to repopulate was important.

Trying to be there for her was important.

"I didn't used to see what she saw in you," Lydia started softly, "not, like physically. You're a good looking guy, like a really good looking guy, but I mean I didn't know you like she did. But I see it, now." She gave him a weak smile. "You care so much about people. And I know that for you, that probably feels like a weakness, but for someone on the outside looking in, it's a pretty amazing thing. She saw that before any of the rest of us did. I wish I'd seen it sooner, but better late than never, right...?" she asked, taking his hand gently off her shoulder. She was still sore, but he didn't need to take it the whole time they talked; that wasn't his job. It wasn't his problem and the pain was certainly manageable.

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theprettybeta
2016-04-16 11:50 pm UTC (link)

Everything that Lydia said was confusing to Isaac, because none of it was even remotely expected. First of all, and least of all, he didn't think that Lydia could ever see him as attractive. He knew that he wasn't hideous, if he was he wouldn't have caught the eye of Malia, or Ruby, but Lydia had a different 'type'. Isaac wasn't really that type.

More importantly, hearing that she saw in him what she thought Allison saw, what he hoped Allison saw, left him literally breathless for a second or two. Isaac, of course, didn't see it at all, and he did see his care for the well being of everybody, even strangers, as a weakness. To have her say it aloud, proving that she had seen it all along despite the fact that he thought he was the only one particularly aware of it, and to insist that it was a quality that made him stronger practically blindsided him. He knew Lydia was smart, and of course she was observant, but the two of them didn't really know each other until they got here. And even now, they were still learning, dancing around the fine line of friendship between the feeling that they should avoid each other and the feeling that they were obligated to not. At least, that was how he felt. He didn't want to be friends with Lydia because of either of those things; he wanted to be friends with her because he wanted to be friends with Lydia, and her simple observation was the first time she sounded, to him, like a friend.

"To be fair to you, I think it was harder to get to know me back in Beacon Hills. Considering everything that was going on," he justified quietly, letting her pull his hand away and squeezing hers before releasing it. "I think I always saw it with you, though," he admitted before he could stop himself, his eyes falling to the ground with a look that was almost shameful and still tainted with his exhaustion. "I mean, when we were younger, I didn't, but when Derek kicked me out, when I moved in with Scott and started helping the pack... I saw why you were her best friend. I mean, I saw why everybody wanted you around, you know?" His lips pressed together in a thin line for a moment before he sucked in a slow, deep breath. "I knew you were smart. I mean, I knew that for a while though, I feel like everybody did. I don't know why you acted like you weren't, but it was obvious that you were doing great in classes and stuff. But when I joined Scott's pack you were just so... I don't know. Brave. Stiles was best friends with the Alpha, he knew Scott would always have his back but you were on the fringes. You weren't treated with the worth that you deserved and you still stuck around, just to help people, and - I don't know. I guess when you spend a lot of time around bad people, the good ones shine through easily."

Isaac looked back up at her when he finished, that small frown still tugging at the corners of his mouth. "After Scott took me in I saw it in you right away. And I realized, you were braver than any of us, you weren't an archer, you weren't a werewolf. But you stuck around. Because it was the right thing to do, and nobody appreciated that." He barely gave a shrug. "I guess I care about people and you care about the greater good. That's why I hated myself for leaving. I thought you'd have people, but now that I look back I realize how stupid that was. They didn't appreciate you when you were helping them, why would they appreciate you when you needed them?"

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eunoia
2016-04-17 12:14 am UTC (link)

Lydia gave him a weak sort of smile that fell short of her eyes. She wasn't proud of the person she used to be. That person was practically a stranger to her, now. Largely a defense mechanism to maintain her place on the social ladder, she'd spent so long looking down her nose at everyone who wasn't considered a "cool kid." Funny enough, Allison was the one who changed that for her, too. Most people didn't bother with the new girl, but Allison was pretty and Lydia figured she'd fit nicely, especially since she'd been really well dressed. Initially, she'd decided that Allison was going to be her new best friend because she'd said her mother was a buyer and that sounded like a whole lot of free clothes to Lydia. It was easily the best decision she'd ever made in her life...and also the most painful one.

"Yeah, well...to be fair to you, that's because I was a bitch when we were younger." She paused, took a deep breath and sighed, trying not to look as bitter as she felt when she tacked on, "or, depending on who you ask, I guess, I'm still a bitch."

To be honest, Lydia hadn't ever really noticed that she was on the fringes of the pack until Allison died. That was when it had really hit her. Without Allison linking the rest of them to her, she had quickly become a mostly forgotten afterthought, left to mourn alone and try to keep herself from losing her mind as she learned to deal with the voices and how to try to use them to actually save a life instead of trying and failing, the way she had when it had mattered the most to her.

Hearing Isaac say it...Lydia felt validated for the first time. And she started to cry again, in spite of the fact that the weak smile on her face contradicted it. "...I wish you'd stayed," she admitted. She sniffed again and choked back on a sob. These hormones were going to turn her into one of those women, apparently. "I know why you left, now, but I wish you'd stayed. And I was so mad at you. Isaac, I was so fucking mad at you for leaving me there, because I know we weren't close, but we're the only ones who were still that close with her and you were all I had left of her. And you were gone. And maybe it wasn't fair for me to be upset, but I didn't know. ...I didn't know, you know, what happened out there. All I knew was that I felt her die. I felt it...I felt it," she said and the last time it came out, it was almost inaudible.

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theprettybeta
2016-04-17 12:35 am UTC (link)

He wasn't good when it came to crying women. Or, at least, Isaac didn't think that he was, but when Lydia's eyes started to fill with tears once more his face softened with a sense of empathy that he doubted anyone else would ever really be able to feel for her. He knew what it felt like, being on the edge. He knew what it felt to be alone, but this time it was his fault, and Isaac hated himself for that.

He didn't ask her permission or give a warning touch this time. Instead, Isaac's arms started to stretch outward as he stepped forward, and they wrapped around Lydia tightly to pull her into a tight embrace. One arm kept itself hooked around her waist but the other moved so that his hand could place itself on the back of her head, holding her into him so he could rest his chin on the top of it. "You had every right to be mad at me," he confessed to her, his voice uncharacteristically soft and soothing as he squeezed her gently. "I was being selfish, I was so fucking selfish and I should have known this was going to happen. I shouldn't have assumed they would have told you, I shouldn't have-" he stopped when his voice gave a surprising crack, and it wasn't until then that Isaac realized his own vision was getting blurred. The guilt was palpable, and he closed his eyes tightly as he sucked in a deep breath.

"Mom left me alone, and then Camden left me alone, and then dad, and then Derek, and I know. I know how fucking horrible that feels and I never - god, Lydia, I never wanted to make anybody feel that way, especially not you. Not you. I didn't want that. I just wasn't thinking, I - everybody I cared about was in the graveyard and I didn't want to be there anymore, I didn't want to be around it anymore, and I was selfish. And I'm so fucking sorry, Lydia. If I could take it back I would, I swear I would, in a second." He shifted to press a soft kiss to the side of her head, resting his cheek against her. "I didn't know. I didn't know you felt it, I had no idea, I - Lydia, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I didn't know."

He took one last deep breath to compose himself, the hand on the back of her head moving so he could quickly wipe his eyes, and he pulled away from her just enough so he could look down at her and take her face in both of his hands, thumb brushing against her cheek to wipe away her tear. "You're not a bitch." He said it firmly, his voice still somewhat wavered with emotion but strong, all the same. He made sure to hold her gaze. "You're one of the smartest - no, actually, you are the smartest, strongest woman that I know. Just because you have your own brain and you have your own free will, that doesn't make you a bitch, Lydia. It makes you one hell of a woman. Whoever says anything differently, they're not worth keeping around. Because they can't handle being around you."

He leaned down to press another swift kiss to her forehead, and this time when he pulled back to look down at her there was guilt reflected in his expression. "I'm sorry. You needed someone there for you and I left, and that wasn't fair to you. And you didn't deserve that. You're not on the fringes, Lydia, you're a person, and I shouldn't have treated you that way." Apologizing was the hardest thing to do for Isaac, because he had spent so long apologizing for things that weren't his fault just to avoid harm. But this one was deserved, especially to someone who probably never heard it enough in the first place.

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