InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "This sucks."

theprettybeta (theprettybeta) wrote in paradisolog,
@ 2016-04-15 00:17:00

Entry tags:

~isaac lahey (theprettybeta), ~lydia martin (eunoia)

WHO: Isaac Lahey and Lydia Martin
WHERE: Lydia's shelter
WHEN: Early Friday Morning
WHAT: Feels. Just accept that there's going to be a lot of feels.
WARNINGS: So many feels.
STATUS: Closed/Incomplete

I was left alone. Still, I waited for the day when she'd say "I will always love you."

It had been two years. Two full years for Isaac, and in those two years he spent every moment he had trying to concentrate on sifting through the complicated, complex emotions that he had originally ran away from. For two years, Isaac Lahey convinced himself that he was getting better, and last night that all fell apart in one fell swoop. Two years of denial unraveled into an explosive outburst, one that pushed away the only person who had ever shown him mercy who was still alive, and it was his own fault. Isaac shouldn't have bothered convincing himself that he was strong enough to move past what had happened to him. Perhaps he would have been able to go his entire life pretending, but he should have known the second he found out that Beacon Hills had followed him there that it was all going to fall apart. Maybe a part of him did know that, and he had just been waiting for the dam to break. It finally did, and with it came a flood of everything he had locked away. Anger, betrayal, guilt, fear, all of it was drowning him, and the worst part was that Isaac had no one to turn to.

He didn't know people here, and he was mostly afraid that unloading everything he felt would paint Allison out to be monster if he did it to anyone who didn't know her. He didn't want that. There were only a few people here who knew Allison, Stiles, Scott and Lydia, and none of them were ideal for Isaac to speak to. Scott for obvious reasons, Stiles because they never got along. And Lydia... she had gone through the same thing. She didn't need to relive it just because Isaac had to. He had tried to stay neutral in the little spat between her and Scott, they were both being hyper sensitive and Isaac, honestly, wanted nothing to do with any of it. But apparently that wasn't good enough, and now he wanted to make sure that Lydia was okay after Scott had started to bring up the past, again. She was pregnant. What the hell was he thinking, trying to upset her like that in her state?

So, Isaac wanted to check on her. He liked to think that Stiles would have taken care of Scott to make sure that he would stop putting Lydia down, at least publicly, but Isaac had a feeling that it was only wishful thinking. He reached her shelter just after sunrise, calling out quietly to avoid waking her if she was still asleep because he didn't want to stick his head in if she wasn't decent. "Lydia? I brought you something." More combs, now that she had found her shampoo, and a little more coconut oil just in case. "Are you awake?

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theprettybeta
2016-04-16 12:06 am UTC (link)

"She didn't say it to you about Scott. But believe me. She told Scott." His face softened when he saw the emotion starting to rise in Lydia's eyes. "I'm not going to sit here and assume she felt something that she never said she felt. I loved her. Manipulating the memory of someone after losing them to make them into the person you wanted them to be instead of the person they were... to me, that's unfair to Allison. I loved her the way that I remember her. I don't have to change her into someone who felt something else to know that I loved her. I can't do that to her, Lydia, I can't say that she felt a certain way just because it makes me feel better. That's not fair to her memory." And Isaac left it at that. Allison may have been Lydia's best friend and Isaac would always take Lydia's opinion to heart because of that when it came to the woman they both lost, but this situation was different. It was remarkably easy to stand there and convince yourself that someone was in love when you weren't the one they were supposedly in love with. Lydia's eye was more biased and less objective when it came to Allison, but to Isaac, it was practically black and white. Allison never told Lydia who she loved, so Lydia wouldn't know. She told Scott that she loved him, so she did. She never told Isaac. She never suggested it to Isaac. It would have been unrealistic and unfair to Allison to tell himself that she loved him after she had died. He tilted his head as he stared at her with sad eyes, moving a hand to brush a few loose strands of red hair behind Lydia's ear.

"There's nothing to be sorry about," he said firmly, already working to pull Lydia out of the hole she was falling into. "It would have been nice to hear but it doesn't change the person that she was and it doesn't change what she had done for me. Everything else is just - it doesn't matter, everything else is in my head and it's there because of the person that I am, Lydia, I can't stop it. I can't change it, I can't move forward, but that's my own fault. Don't get upset, Lydia." Isaac swiped his thumb across her cheek with a tired shake of his head, fingers returning to her shoulder to start draining away some of that ache once more. "It's not worth getting upset over, it's alright."

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eunoia
2016-04-16 11:30 pm UTC (link)

It wasn't worth arguing over, Lydia decided. If Isaac was convinced that Allison didn't love him, then nothing that Lydia could say was going to change that and maybe it wasn't her place, anyway. She looked down and sniffed as she nodded before looking back up at him again when he moved to brush her hair behind her ear. "I'm not...I'm just pregnant," she sighed.

She'd known Isaac a little; he wasn't a stranger, or anything. But she'd never really known him and seeing that sadness in his eyes was difficult. In Lydia's opinion, he was such a good person and he'd spent too long feeling like he wasn't. She just didn't know if there was anything she could say to change his mind and show him that he was important here. The things he was doing in the camp, they were important. Contributing to the effort to repopulate was important.

Trying to be there for her was important.

"I didn't used to see what she saw in you," Lydia started softly, "not, like physically. You're a good looking guy, like a really good looking guy, but I mean I didn't know you like she did. But I see it, now." She gave him a weak smile. "You care so much about people. And I know that for you, that probably feels like a weakness, but for someone on the outside looking in, it's a pretty amazing thing. She saw that before any of the rest of us did. I wish I'd seen it sooner, but better late than never, right...?" she asked, taking his hand gently off her shoulder. She was still sore, but he didn't need to take it the whole time they talked; that wasn't his job. It wasn't his problem and the pain was certainly manageable.

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theprettybeta
2016-04-16 11:50 pm UTC (link)

Everything that Lydia said was confusing to Isaac, because none of it was even remotely expected. First of all, and least of all, he didn't think that Lydia could ever see him as attractive. He knew that he wasn't hideous, if he was he wouldn't have caught the eye of Malia, or Ruby, but Lydia had a different 'type'. Isaac wasn't really that type.

More importantly, hearing that she saw in him what she thought Allison saw, what he hoped Allison saw, left him literally breathless for a second or two. Isaac, of course, didn't see it at all, and he did see his care for the well being of everybody, even strangers, as a weakness. To have her say it aloud, proving that she had seen it all along despite the fact that he thought he was the only one particularly aware of it, and to insist that it was a quality that made him stronger practically blindsided him. He knew Lydia was smart, and of course she was observant, but the two of them didn't really know each other until they got here. And even now, they were still learning, dancing around the fine line of friendship between the feeling that they should avoid each other and the feeling that they were obligated to not. At least, that was how he felt. He didn't want to be friends with Lydia because of either of those things; he wanted to be friends with her because he wanted to be friends with Lydia, and her simple observation was the first time she sounded, to him, like a friend.

"To be fair to you, I think it was harder to get to know me back in Beacon Hills. Considering everything that was going on," he justified quietly, letting her pull his hand away and squeezing hers before releasing it. "I think I always saw it with you, though," he admitted before he could stop himself, his eyes falling to the ground with a look that was almost shameful and still tainted with his exhaustion. "I mean, when we were younger, I didn't, but when Derek kicked me out, when I moved in with Scott and started helping the pack... I saw why you were her best friend. I mean, I saw why everybody wanted you around, you know?" His lips pressed together in a thin line for a moment before he sucked in a slow, deep breath. "I knew you were smart. I mean, I knew that for a while though, I feel like everybody did. I don't know why you acted like you weren't, but it was obvious that you were doing great in classes and stuff. But when I joined Scott's pack you were just so... I don't know. Brave. Stiles was best friends with the Alpha, he knew Scott would always have his back but you were on the fringes. You weren't treated with the worth that you deserved and you still stuck around, just to help people, and - I don't know. I guess when you spend a lot of time around bad people, the good ones shine through easily."

Isaac looked back up at her when he finished, that small frown still tugging at the corners of his mouth. "After Scott took me in I saw it in you right away. And I realized, you were braver than any of us, you weren't an archer, you weren't a werewolf. But you stuck around. Because it was the right thing to do, and nobody appreciated that." He barely gave a shrug. "I guess I care about people and you care about the greater good. That's why I hated myself for leaving. I thought you'd have people, but now that I look back I realize how stupid that was. They didn't appreciate you when you were helping them, why would they appreciate you when you needed them?"

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eunoia
2016-04-17 12:14 am UTC (link)

Lydia gave him a weak sort of smile that fell short of her eyes. She wasn't proud of the person she used to be. That person was practically a stranger to her, now. Largely a defense mechanism to maintain her place on the social ladder, she'd spent so long looking down her nose at everyone who wasn't considered a "cool kid." Funny enough, Allison was the one who changed that for her, too. Most people didn't bother with the new girl, but Allison was pretty and Lydia figured she'd fit nicely, especially since she'd been really well dressed. Initially, she'd decided that Allison was going to be her new best friend because she'd said her mother was a buyer and that sounded like a whole lot of free clothes to Lydia. It was easily the best decision she'd ever made in her life...and also the most painful one.

"Yeah, well...to be fair to you, that's because I was a bitch when we were younger." She paused, took a deep breath and sighed, trying not to look as bitter as she felt when she tacked on, "or, depending on who you ask, I guess, I'm still a bitch."

To be honest, Lydia hadn't ever really noticed that she was on the fringes of the pack until Allison died. That was when it had really hit her. Without Allison linking the rest of them to her, she had quickly become a mostly forgotten afterthought, left to mourn alone and try to keep herself from losing her mind as she learned to deal with the voices and how to try to use them to actually save a life instead of trying and failing, the way she had when it had mattered the most to her.

Hearing Isaac say it...Lydia felt validated for the first time. And she started to cry again, in spite of the fact that the weak smile on her face contradicted it. "...I wish you'd stayed," she admitted. She sniffed again and choked back on a sob. These hormones were going to turn her into one of those women, apparently. "I know why you left, now, but I wish you'd stayed. And I was so mad at you. Isaac, I was so fucking mad at you for leaving me there, because I know we weren't close, but we're the only ones who were still that close with her and you were all I had left of her. And you were gone. And maybe it wasn't fair for me to be upset, but I didn't know. ...I didn't know, you know, what happened out there. All I knew was that I felt her die. I felt it...I felt it," she said and the last time it came out, it was almost inaudible.

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theprettybeta
2016-04-17 12:35 am UTC (link)

He wasn't good when it came to crying women. Or, at least, Isaac didn't think that he was, but when Lydia's eyes started to fill with tears once more his face softened with a sense of empathy that he doubted anyone else would ever really be able to feel for her. He knew what it felt like, being on the edge. He knew what it felt to be alone, but this time it was his fault, and Isaac hated himself for that.

He didn't ask her permission or give a warning touch this time. Instead, Isaac's arms started to stretch outward as he stepped forward, and they wrapped around Lydia tightly to pull her into a tight embrace. One arm kept itself hooked around her waist but the other moved so that his hand could place itself on the back of her head, holding her into him so he could rest his chin on the top of it. "You had every right to be mad at me," he confessed to her, his voice uncharacteristically soft and soothing as he squeezed her gently. "I was being selfish, I was so fucking selfish and I should have known this was going to happen. I shouldn't have assumed they would have told you, I shouldn't have-" he stopped when his voice gave a surprising crack, and it wasn't until then that Isaac realized his own vision was getting blurred. The guilt was palpable, and he closed his eyes tightly as he sucked in a deep breath.

"Mom left me alone, and then Camden left me alone, and then dad, and then Derek, and I know. I know how fucking horrible that feels and I never - god, Lydia, I never wanted to make anybody feel that way, especially not you. Not you. I didn't want that. I just wasn't thinking, I - everybody I cared about was in the graveyard and I didn't want to be there anymore, I didn't want to be around it anymore, and I was selfish. And I'm so fucking sorry, Lydia. If I could take it back I would, I swear I would, in a second." He shifted to press a soft kiss to the side of her head, resting his cheek against her. "I didn't know. I didn't know you felt it, I had no idea, I - Lydia, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I didn't know."

He took one last deep breath to compose himself, the hand on the back of her head moving so he could quickly wipe his eyes, and he pulled away from her just enough so he could look down at her and take her face in both of his hands, thumb brushing against her cheek to wipe away her tear. "You're not a bitch." He said it firmly, his voice still somewhat wavered with emotion but strong, all the same. He made sure to hold her gaze. "You're one of the smartest - no, actually, you are the smartest, strongest woman that I know. Just because you have your own brain and you have your own free will, that doesn't make you a bitch, Lydia. It makes you one hell of a woman. Whoever says anything differently, they're not worth keeping around. Because they can't handle being around you."

He leaned down to press another swift kiss to her forehead, and this time when he pulled back to look down at her there was guilt reflected in his expression. "I'm sorry. You needed someone there for you and I left, and that wasn't fair to you. And you didn't deserve that. You're not on the fringes, Lydia, you're a person, and I shouldn't have treated you that way." Apologizing was the hardest thing to do for Isaac, because he had spent so long apologizing for things that weren't his fault just to avoid harm. But this one was deserved, especially to someone who probably never heard it enough in the first place.

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