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CHAMBERS, samara b. ([info]tracelines) wrote in [info]pandorarpg,
@ 2011-12-18 16:02:00

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Entry tags:!status: complete, ^date: november 07 2003, character: elijah chambers, character: samara capper

Characters: Elijah Chambers & Samara Chambers
Setting: Chambers home, 7 November 2003, 10:12pm
Rating: R, for adult themes & language
Summary: Eli has been keeping secrets of his own.

It was certainly not every day that Chambers household was this quiet. In some small miracle, Samara's brother Benji had offered to watch Jason for the night which meant that they had the entire house to themselves; it was a rarity upon which she planned to indulge properly because the chances of it happening again anytime soon were rather slim.

Since these nightmares had started Samara had felt nothing but wound up, constantly on edge around her son and even around Eli but now that Jase was out of the house she felt like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders and maybe she should have asked for this sooner. Maybe all she needed was to get away from him for a little while, because she was always so worried that she was going to hurt him like she hurt the child in the nightmare. Drawing and painting didn't seem to ease the stress enough anymore and she had started smoking just within the last week and while that seemed to help some, it never was enough.

But here, now, with Jase gone with his uncle she felt light and for the first time she wasn't so sodding worried. She wanted to live and she had her husband with her which meant she certainly could find some way to enjoy the night more than just not having to watch her son. She knew that things had been tense lately, for all of them, so maybe this is just what they needed. They had already finished tea (more take-away) and she had no idea what Eli was actually doing but that obviously didn't matter. She tracked him down and ignoring whatever he had going on, sat herself down on his lap and smiled slyly at him. "Hi there."


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[info]skittish
2011-12-18 11:32 pm UTC (link)
After dinner Eli retreated into his study to look something up. Thoughts always seemed to present themselves at the worst of time. While his research and current theories were never far from his mind, it did seem like a waste to be busied by it when they did have the house to themselves. Not that Eli particularly liked when Jason went with Benji, but he did notice that it seemed to lighten the burden off his wife's shoulders. He didn't need to be a genius to figure out why.

"If knew we were playing hide and seek, I would have hid better." His tone was light, matching the easy smile on his face because it was difficult to be anything other than pleased with a lap full of Samara with that look on her face. "You know, to build the anticipation and all, but I can't say that I am that upset with our current predicament."

With a careful flick of his wand, the books and notes out on the desk zipped away to their proper storage places. He had a good feeling about where this was going to go and he would hate to ruin any of his work in the process. Once that was sorted, he set his wand down and wrapped his arms around her, leaning up to kiss her.

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[info]tracelines
2011-12-19 12:05 am UTC (link)
Samara shook her head with a bemused smirk. "I think I get enough hide and seek with the five year old in the house," she replied while he put away his things. Of course he would be working, he was practically compelled to do so on a moment by moment basis. She could understand why he was in Ravenclaw rather than Slytherin, even though many had questioned it about him.

She wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him for a few moments before she pulled back and said, "I can see I have interrupted something, though. I can certainly come back later when it's more convenient for you, love." She was still smiling coyly and she made no attempt to move, despite what she said.

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[info]skittish
2011-12-19 01:49 am UTC (link)
"No, no, I believe this is a far nobler pursuit." Eli might have wanted to figure out exactly how the universe worked, but he would always have time for this. He was after all a man and sometimes that post-orgasm clarity could be what he needed to figure out the problem at hand. Not that he was going to make any sudden break through tonight. No, tonight would be purely recreational.

"Although I would be willing to negotiate the particulars if you are in the mood for a good debate." His tone was teasing, proof that he had fully switched over from any sort of work mode into something more suited to his current state.

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[info]tracelines
2011-12-19 02:45 am UTC (link)
Samara nodded with a grin. "So long as our pursuit is noble, that is all that truly matters." She fingered the hair at the back of his neck lightly as she spoke, glad to have this reprieve. It didn't make her forget completely, but it pushed it all aside far enough that she could at least feel something besides worry and regret for something she hadn't even done - yet.

She raised an eyebrow, "Is that so? Well please begin to present your case, Mr. Chambers." Before he could really reply she lowered her head and began to kiss his neck, a smile on her lips as she did so.

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[info]skittish
2011-12-19 05:00 am UTC (link)
He was sure that she wasn't playing fair. But then again, playing fair didn't seem all that important when she was doing that. For a moment he allowed himself to be lost to it, letting words start and stop on his tongue because he had missed this since the nightmares started.

"My case is quite simple and it requires me to present some critical evidence." Eli wrapped his arms around her waist, shifting his footing so that he might push himself to standing and in one solid motion placed his wife up on his desk. Once she was somewhat settled he crowded back into her space.

"You see, Mrs Chambers, I have a very sturdy desk that has gone neglected for far too long." But tonight there was no little five year old to harry to worry about barging in. Or worse knocking on the door and asking rather loudly if his mother and father were busy in that tone that was far too old for his years. With him out of the house, they didn't even have to worry about closing the door.

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[info]tracelines
2011-12-19 05:45 am UTC (link)
Samara was a little taken aback by his sudden movement and tightened her grip around his shoulders, a squeak of surprise coming from her mouth that eventually turned into a giggle. She chewed on her bottom lip for a moment, maybe looking a bit nervous but also as if she were considering the offer. Dating and eventually marrying Elijah Chambers had come with the acceptance that he may scatterbrained when it came to intellectual things, but he was also rather spontaneous when it came to sex. Samara had been quite surprised by it at first, but it was something she had become accustomed to and eventually grew to enjoy.

"I don't remember purchasing the desk with quite that purpose in mind, but it might be in our best interests to test it." She placed her hand flat against his chest, toying with the buttons of his shirt. "If it's not going to hold up, you may want to consider getting a better one." Samara popped the top few buttons open and leaned up to kiss his exposed collarbone.

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[info]skittish
2011-12-19 06:17 am UTC (link)
"For what other purposes would you buy a desk or any sort of furniture for that matter?" Eli could be a bit eccentric when it came to sex, but it fit with who he was. His mind was a marvelous, but strange place - thoughts, urges and sometimes even emotions just sort of tumbled out when they felt the need. It was rather liberating, or it would have been, if not for the fact that most people just didn't get it.

However, Samara was not post people and she was used to this sort of thing. That didn't mean there couldn't still be a few surprises, but not tonight.

Tonight was about going with what they knew because they had been here before. Eli knew just how to move so she could take off his shirt without disturbing anything else going on. He was well-practiced in the art of unhooking a bra with one hand with fingertips trailing over skin as it was revealed like promises of what was coming. While his words dissolved so that his mouth might explore other pursuits, his mind never stopped going.

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[info]tracelines
2011-12-19 06:58 am UTC (link)
It should not seem like it had been so long since they had been together like this, but with the nightmares looming overhead she really couldn't remember when the last time was. It wasn't as thought the frequency should matter so much except that it did, because after seven years of being married and five years of having a child in the mix, it was rather important for the mental health of the relationship itself.

This felt almost perfect, if not for the nagging in the back of her mind that would probably never go away. His skin was warm and comfortable against her own and regardless of how many times they had done this before, she still felt just as exhilarated by the prospects as the first time. She moved her hands all over his exposed upper body, touching, tracing, memorising curves and angles of shoulders and ribs. It was always wonderful but then it was never enough.

Samara tugged her husband down atop the desk, eventually turning so that she could straddle his waist and begin undoing the belt and hook on his trousers.

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[info]skittish
2011-12-20 03:13 am UTC (link)
There were truly few ways that this could be going better. In a few minutes he was going to have a naked wife on his desk. He already had a nearly naked wife on his desk and that was pretty good, which meant it could only get better.

While there was a time and place for long drawn out foreplay, right now was not it. Maybe later he would be open to such a suggestion, after all, they did have all night. His current goal was to remove all of these increasingly offensive pieces of clothing putting unwanted space between them. Eli helped her with his trousers, stepping out of them without much fuss. Sexy strip teases were not his thing. Not that he didn't enjoy watching them, just that he never felt particularly inclined to perform them himself.

Eli didn't even really see the point in mucking about in his shorts. No, if he was going to be naked, he was going to be completely naked, otherwise the shorts would just prove a hindrance later. And really only had the patience to deal with buttons, zippers, and elastic bands once.

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[info]tracelines
2011-12-20 03:59 am UTC (link)
Samara was glad that the clothing was being shed so quickly because she did not want to wait any longer for this and it seemed that they were of like minds on this matter. As Eli stepped out of his trousers, she began tugging at the zipper of her own skirt and wondered why she chose to wear these types of clothing when they took so bloody long to take off at times like these. She couldn't seem to get the stupid thing unzipped and she was slightly distracted by the newly exposed expanses of her husband's body so she said, "Oh bugger all!" and gave up.

There were much more interesting things to be doing here than worrying about her bloody skirt, like kiss her husband's mouth, his neck, his chest, run her hands down the planes of his stomach, trail kisses down that was well. She pushed him back against the desk, running her hands down over his hips and trailing kisses after them. Samara had a destination in mind, but she never quite made it there because something on his right hip caught her eye and she remained there, frozen, just staring at the dark spot that matched her own on the back of her calf.

She opened her mouth once or twice but nothing would come out of it. Finally she managed, "Eli," and then, "what is this?" She didn't even need to ask because she already knew but for some reason she couldn't stop herself from asking anyhow. Her hand began to shake as she moved it toward the mark, pressing her thumb over it for a moment and then lifting it away as though it would not be there when she removed it. But it was still there.

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[info]skittish
2011-12-20 05:49 am UTC (link)
Oddly enough the sudden turn from sex to interrogation did nothing to quell his erection. As far as he was concerned this could still be turned around. He was still naked and she was still touching him. Besides he didn't think she had figured out what the spots meant, although he had been quite careful to keep his concealed along with the fact he had been having nightmares. He was a man of many secrets and he wasn't above keeping some from his wife.

"That?" He said, reaching up to run a hand through her hair, distract her from the little mark just below his hip bone. It wasn't something he wanted her to worry about. "It's not anything important." The lies came easily, as did the kiss that chased after them. It was a smart play, if her lips were otherwise engaged she couldn't use them to ask questions or make accusations.

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[info]tracelines
2011-12-20 06:14 am UTC (link)
Samara shook her head, pushing against his chest, pushing him away. It did not happen often, but right now she did not want to be kissing this man, she just wanted answers from him. She could feel all the stress that had left the house with Jase building back up inside her chest, threatening to suffocate her again. She stumbled back away from him. "How?" she pleaded, unsure if she could even get any real words out at this point.

She rummaged on the floor and snatched up his shirt, feeling far too naked now and wrapped it around herself. "How could you keep this from me, Eli? Why would you?" Her voice was small, but at least it was working. "I tell you everything about mine, and all the while you've been having them as well?" She held her arms around herself tightly and they shook violently, almost as badly as the first night she had the nightmares. But he'd been having them this whole time too. She wouldn't believe it if the evidence hadn't just been staring her in the face.

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[info]skittish
2011-12-20 10:29 pm UTC (link)
Samara might not have been as smart as he was, but she certainly could keep up. Looking back, he would have realized it was foolish that she wouldn't know what that mark was - not when she had one of her own and a number of people saw fit to go on about them. Although really the only thought he had then was 'why now?'

Eli scrubbed his face his body felt like a pile of knots pulled in the wrong direction. This was not he wanted. "In the finest of sense, I didn't keep anything from you - you simply never inquired if I was having any sort of similar experiences and there was no need to share any findings before they were somewhat more conclusive."

It wasn't the first time that Eli had kept secrets from Samara and it wouldn't be the last. It was just the less common version where those secrets directly effected the two of them.

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[info]tracelines
2011-12-20 11:05 pm UTC (link)
"Oh!" Samara's face twisted in anger. That answer was all it took to bring her frustration bubbling to the surface. She pointed at her husband with narrowed eyes. "Don't you spout that psychological bullshite at me, Elijah. This isn't one of your research projects. It's been a sodding week now, there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't have told me this."

She sat down in his desk chair - or rather fell into it, as she was still shaking though it could have been from anger now - and looked over at him. "What are yours about?" she asked sternly. To be quite honest she didn't really want to know, but because he had not told her she felt like she had to know now.

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[info]skittish
2011-12-21 01:34 am UTC (link)
Only this was very much one his research projects, just not so much in the official capacity. "Are we honestly going to have this conversation now?" With him standing naked, still wanting other things. Except he didn't really need to ask the question. He already knew the answer, which was why he reached for his shorts. Eli pulled them back on and sat back in his chair watching her, thoughts of beautiful desk sex becoming more and more distant.

He let her question go unanswered for a moment. Eli was tempted make the remark and honest observation that she needed to spice a bit more spices to properly flavor things, except he knew that was not the sort of answer she would want to hear, even somewhat jokingly. "Well, seeing as you're on a roll tonight, what do you wager my 'dreams' are about?"

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[info]tracelines
2011-12-21 02:29 am UTC (link)
She ignored his first question because he knew the answer and there was no reason to even address it. She instead waited for him to answer her question, but he gave her a ridiculous response and that only angered her more. Samara could count the number of times they had arguments on her fingers so while it was certainly a rare occurrence to be angry and screaming at her husband, it did not change the fact that it was quite easy for her to do so just then. He was baiting her, for whatever reason, while she was already stressed and confused and none of this was a good combination.

"Seriously, Eli?" She threw her hands in the air and then slapped them down on the arms of the chair. "I tell you all about these sodding nightmares - if that's what they even are - because I know you want to know about them, regardless of the fact that they make me feel like utter and complete shite just thinking about them. So I went ahead and talked about the damned things anyway - for you, to cure your intellectual curiosity - and not only do you keep the fact that you're having them as well from me but now you want me to play guessing games as to what they're about? That's absurdly unbalanced, Eli."

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[info]skittish
2011-12-21 03:04 am UTC (link)
While the shirt had previously covered her, the sudden movement gave him something to be distracted by. And really a part of him still thought he could turn this around and so maybe he was staring at her chest for a minute, but he was allowed. Well, he was normally allowed being married to her and all, but when she was yelling at him, it probably wasn't the most appropriate thing to be doing. "Can you at least do up the buttons if you're going to sit there and yell at me?"

He paused waiting for her to at least move do as he asked. While she seemed to only get more emotional, he remained somewhat detached and clinical from the whole thing as if this was yet another experiment he was performing. (It was easier to handle if that was the case.) "And yes, it was for my intellectual curiosity, I don't see how that really changes anything or somehow makes this worse? I was presented with a puzzle and wished to figure it out, how is it different than another time in our past?"

Eli didn't really think that he was at fault here, she was just over reacting, which made sense. The 'dream' was deeply personal to her, clearly something that she feared, where that simply wasn't the case for him. While it might have been disturbing, it was mostly a curiosity.

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[info]tracelines
2011-12-21 04:06 am UTC (link)
Samara barely paid attention as she aggressively did up some of the buttons on his shirt, annoyed by his mentioning these stupid things at a time like this. "Because you're being impossibly selfish, Eli! You know how difficult this has been for me and you didn't think for one moment that I would want to know that you're experiencing the same situation that I am almost every night? Why did you even think that it was necessary to keep this from me?"

She did not understand how he was not getting where her anger was stemmed from. She felt like all this time she could have had a partner in this but instead she had felt alone and lost. He was her husband, he was supposed to support her yet he had intentionally left her alone to this situation, knowing how it was affecting her. Essentially caring more about his research than her own mental health.

"Did you really think that the puzzle was more bloody important than my sanity?" She couldn't yell at him then and she felt her voice wavering - she was going to start crying soon at this rate.

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[info]skittish
2011-12-21 04:24 am UTC (link)
Sanity was apparently the watchword. By many standards, Eli was not what many people considered normal. For him, being smart came with the prices of often being strange, weird and yet, even a bit insane. He didn't normally think about it much, but it wasn't something he could just let hang between them. So that was when some of the calm facade cracked. "Do you ever stop to think that it was for your sanity I haven't said anything?"

He might not ever be up for husband or father of the year, but he tried his best. And while he could show it in uncommon ways, his family sometimes came in first of things he cared about - and when it wasn't first, it was usually second. "What good would it do, if you knew that I was having similar 'dreams' before anything more was known about them?"

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[info]tracelines
2011-12-21 06:58 am UTC (link)
The answer to that question was wholeheartedly 'no.' She hadn't thought of that at all and maybe she was overreacting to this, but when it came to secrets and sneaking around Samara was nothing if not on edge. She had her own secret she'd been keeping for years, from the person she held most dear, not to mention that his very profession was keeping secrets from everyone. She knew very well what it was like not to know things from Eli, but she also had known things and she'd wiped their existence from his memory in certain ways completely against his will. Secrets would always be something that did not sit well with her.

But this did not feel right. Good intentions or no, she did not feel like she should have been in the dark on this one. Not when she was ripping apart at the seams. "Because I wouldn't have felt so fucking alone!" she screamed in response to his final question, not anger pulling it forward this time but fright. She was shaking again and she shot up out of the chair for no particular reason but to be moving at that point. She wrapped her arms around herself in a tight hug, the sleeves of his shirt dangling limply past her hands, and began wandering around aimlessly in the study.

She had still not really processed what he had said, so now that she was moving, her brain was working more freely. The cogs turned and finally it clicked and she wheeled around to face him. "How similar?"

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[info]skittish
2011-12-21 10:54 pm UTC (link)
"Only you weren't alone, were you?" His voice was only slightly above normal level, his tone a bit more serious, testing again. Eli wasn't go to let her work him into such unnecessary frustration. That sort of thing didn't help him. It meant he couldn't think proper and nothing good ever came of that. "I have been here every night and every morning after they occurred."

Eli spun in the chair to watch her pace back and forth across his study. Ah that was the question, how much should he tell her? What did she really need to know, especially when she was worked up enough as it was about her half of the dream. "Similar enough to prompt further investigation."

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[info]tracelines
2011-12-21 11:49 pm UTC (link)
"Yes you have been, but you know that's not what I meant." Maybe she wasn't even sure what she meant. It's not like she was happy that he was having them as well. She didn't want him to be going through the same nightmarish hell that she was, but then again, having known that he was would have made her feel better somehow. They were in it together and all that. It was terrible, she knew that, but it didn't change the facts.

Samara wasn't sure she liked the sound of that. She hadn't heard anything about the subject of others' nightmares - she hadn't really been asking anyone about theirs - all she knew was that others were having them. She just assumed they were all different or she would have heard otherwise, right? But if this were true, if what he was saying was true, were some people connected by these dreams in some way? Was it because they were in love? Why would that even matter? "Similar enough that I really needn't have told you about mine?" she prompted him, because it wasn't really about the subject so much anymore but the fact that they might somehow be connected in this hell just like they were in their lives.

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[info]skittish
2011-12-22 01:45 am UTC (link)
He raised an eyebrow at her, wondering if she even knew what she meant. Stupid marks ruining some rather delightful plans for the evening to the point where they might actually be fighting. Eli couldn't be entirely sure on that one - it was something they did often and it was really just more her being extra cross at him while he was left wanting.

Eli scrubbed his face, running his hand through his hair. he suddenly felt a lot tireder than he had just a few minutes before. "Well, I am not the one who butchered and cooked a child." No, he had simply eaten the meal he was given. After all that was what one did when presented with food and it was just plain rude to not try a new delicacy. Sue as he was that was an acceptable answer to her question, looking back he would have to admit that there was probably a better way to voice that sentiment.

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[info]tracelines
2011-12-22 02:21 am UTC (link)
Samara felt all the color drain from her face when that comment washed over her. The only thing that could have possibly made it worse would have been if he had said that it was their son, which is what it always felt like in the dream, but afterward she knew it wasn't. Regardless, she was absolutely dumbfounded that he would say something like that to her, knowing full well how terrible she had felt about the entire thing.

She couldn't find her voice, couldn't bring herself to respond, her mouth was open but no words would escape it. Her vision was blurring as she stepped toward him but she ignored it. The tears did not matter, all that mattered was that she cross the study and reach him. Though Samara had never had reason to do so before, at that moment she raised her left hand and slapped Elijah Chambers, the love of her life, squarely across the face. "You're a bastard," she said almost in a whisper because she was certainly not used to saying it to him. The tears were falling freely down her face but she did not wipe at them, she just stood there, unsure what she should do next.

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[info]skittish
2011-12-22 11:09 pm UTC (link)
She slapped him and the world seemed to stop. All thoughts from his head skidding to a stop. That was new. New and not at all something he wanted. "Samara," he said. His voice held a sort of reverence like what was happening between them finally mattered to him. Eli bit his tongue not voicing his obvious statement that he hadn't said a single untrue thing. But that Eli, he seldom outright lied, it was more a careful game of withholding the truth.

Eli pushed himself back onto his feet. He stepped toward her, as if to hold to, but hesitated unsure if she wanted to be touched. "Samara," he repeated not having any other words at the moment. This was new and strange ground for them. Eli didn't know what to do. He didn't know what he was supposed to do. And when it came to that there was really only one option for him to take. Ask. "What is happening right now? I'm here, I recognize it, but where does it lead?"

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[info]tracelines
2011-12-23 05:16 am UTC (link)
His voice was calm again, soothing even, but she didn't know if she was ready for this. To fall back into him and lean on him for comfort when so far all she seemed to be getting was anything but. How could she be certain he'd be what she needed when he kept turning the tables on her? Maybe this was what she had been referring to when she said she felt alone this past week because she knew that she had felt it, she just didn't know how to describe it. When something like this came up, it was going to always be Eli with his research instead of Eli with his family but they were in real danger here, something she hadn't really even stopped to consider yet because she'd been so busy thinking about how they might be a danger their son. The people having nightmares were being murdered which meant that they could be next at anytime and if they were both having the dreams, Jason would be without a mother or a father when this was all over.

She didn't rightly know how to answer him and that scared her because everything between them up to this point had always been certain—it had been a constant. If they were to lose that, what else would they have? "I don't know, Eli," she replied finally, her voice quiet. Normally she would reach out to him but she couldn't bring herself to do it, so she just stayed where she was and hugged herself instead. Samara looked him in the face and the tears fell more freely as she made eye contact with him. "I don't understand why you would want to hurt me like that. You have never done before."

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[info]skittish
2011-12-23 06:09 am UTC (link)
"It's not like I made a conscious or even deliberate decision that, why, yes, this week I am going to betray my wife. And if you honestly think that then maybe we should start there." Through everything, Samara had been his constant. Even from back in school, the second he had saw her, really saw her, there had been no going back. There would never be anyone else and not just because so much of his life was devoted to his research. Eli didn't want anyone else.

Even although he was the one to utter it, Eli was caught up on the word betray, not liking how he was being accused. "I'm trying to figure out what's happening, what have you been doing?" He would have eventually brought her into the plan, he just needed to know what role she would play. He might have known how to take things apart, but if this was about memory as he was starting to suspect than her training might come in handy. However, he wasn't sure they were going to broach that topic tonight, not with the tone already set.

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[info]tracelines
2011-12-23 07:18 am UTC (link)
She didn't like that word. It was a very heavy word and it was not one that she would like to apply to this situation, or any for that matter. Because if that came up now, what might happen if her own secrets were revealed at some point—would that be considered a betrayal? She didn't want to think about that. "Then why didn't you just tell me, Eli? The first night we had them, you knew that they were the same?" It wasn't necessarily a question, because knowing her husband, he had probably figured it out that first night, even with the small amount of information she'd given him about her own nightmare. "So you're already researching it, yeah? So what's with all the sodding secrecy? This isn't Ministry sanctioned work, Eli, you have no reason not to tell me about it. This affects our family, it's putting us and our son in danger."

What had she been doing? She'd been losing her mind, it felt like. She'd been trying to hold herself together before she fell to pieces and could not get them back together again. She had some ideas in her mind, some contingency plans, but she did not know if she would - or even could - put them into action if events called for it. She just did not hope it got that far. "What exactly have you been expecting me to do, Eli? I've been trying to keep it together for our son, which is bloody difficult when I keep dreaming about killing children every other night! If something doesn't change soon, he may very well be without both of his parents!" Truly she had not been that worried about the prospect of dying herself, but the thought of Jason losing both of his parents broke her heart.

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[info]skittish
2011-12-23 05:24 pm UTC (link)
Eli kept secrets. Of all of the things that he never told her, he knew that she was aware of that fact. Sure, most of them were in relation to his work and required to be secret, but that didn't mean there weren't personal ones as well. "Oh I have no intention of dying." It really wouldn't surprise anyone to know that Eli had considered some sort of fail safe to make sure that he could even control that possibility. Except he hadn't quite taken it to the extreme. Not yet at least because apparently there were some lines he wouldn't cross.

He folded his hands considering the later question - what he did suspect? "You consider yourself a danger to him, and you still spend time alone with him?" His voice was calm, not so much accusing as stating a fact. There were still things he needed to figure out and although this had caused the problem between them, he needed to understand where she stood.

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[info]tracelines
2011-12-23 07:11 pm UTC (link)
Samara shook her head. She should have known he would say something along these lines, yet it still stung to hear it. She knew the way he considered himself and she had accepted that fact about him, but sometimes she felt as though she didn't really fit in with that ideology—this being one of those times. "Well I wouldn't want your wife or your son to stand in the way of you saving your own life." He might not have meant it that way, but it sounded as such and sometimes thinking he could be god didn't really leave much place for her.

And this—she hated him for bringing it up and making her face it. She didn't have a chair nearby so she just sank to the floor instead. "I'm his mother, it's my job to protect him. If I don't, who else will? That-that child wasn't Jase, even though in the dream it felt like it was. So I have to believe that those people - that woman - wasn't me either. I love my son and I would never hurt him." She shook her head for emphasis. She was crying, but she felt like she finally had some sort of answer, even if she might just be lying to herself so that she could feel comfortable being alone with her son. But it could be true and she wanted to believe it.

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[info]skittish
2011-12-24 06:48 pm UTC (link)
Her explanation, whether what she honestly believed or simply what was saying, was how he saw his nightmare. It wasn't his son he was being served and then eating - or not eating as he was often interrupted before they reached that part. Not that it stopped him from considering how skinny his son was and how that wouldn't be a good meal at all.

Of course, it was still a puzzle to be figured out because he didn't think it was that simply. Not with everything he knew about memories. "Then why is it such a big deal that I didn't share that I was experiencing a similar nightmare? Would there have actually been comfort in that fact that I was the person you were serving a child to?"

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[info]tracelines
2011-12-24 08:51 pm UTC (link)
Samara's head shot up at that statement and she looked at him, shock in her eyes. "What? No!" This conversation was getting dangerously close to a place she did not need it to be going. She had to be extremely careful how she spoke or she was going to give too much information away. "It's not about the content of the nightmares, or the nightmares at all, if that's even what they are."

She sighed, wiping her face with the sleeves of his shirt. "It's all the secrets. I'm tired of being kept in the dark, Eli. I'm your wife and I will support you - I have always supported you - in everything you ever do. It's enough that you can't tell me what you do at work, but then you keep secrets from me at home, things that affect the both of us...I just-I need you to trust me." She knew that every word she spoke was hypocritical and she hated herself for it, but she couldn't stop the words from flowing regardless.

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[info]skittish
2011-12-25 04:12 am UTC (link)
Eli looked at her a long moment, trying to figure out what the words she said meant. Maybe he was reading too much into it, but he felt there was something else there. That perhaps they were now in a more delicate dance, except Eli couldn't hear the music. In fact, he wasn't sure he liked this very much at all. So, he did the only thing he could do was to seek safer middle ground.

"Then support me enough, trust me, to know that I will tell you what you need to know when you need to know it because that has to go both ways." Maybe he was a bit of a hypocrite because he knew that it couldn't ever fully go both ways, but it didn't have to come to this. "I may not always tell you everything, but I would never keep the big things from you willingly."

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[info]tracelines
2011-12-25 04:55 am UTC (link)
So which was worse? Keeping small things a secret that he considered insignificant or keeping the larger things to himself? Was that the only definition of true betrayal here? Because if that was it then she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to tell him the truth, but lying to him for the rest of their lives didn't seem like a viable option either. Of course if they weren't going to live for much longer maybe it didn't even matter anymore.

Samara didn't want to talk about this anymore. She never should have brought it up. It was a stupid thing for her to do, not to mention dangerous. Always too dangerous with a man as smart as her husband. "Eli, I love you and you are a genius, but I don't believe you know everything there is to know about everything, especially when it comes to this family and what's best for the lot of us. I don't fault you that, because you've done a brilliant job with Jase despite it all, but your mind is built differently than mine - you think analytically first and emotionally second. So maybe you think that you're telling me 'what I need to know when I need to know it,' but to me it sounds like you're treating me like a child - or an idiot. I may not be at your level of intellect, but I do rather well for myself despite it."

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[info]skittish
2011-12-25 09:29 pm UTC (link)
"All right," he said carefully. "So you want me to tell you everything." Not that he ever would and maybe he did treat her like someone who couldn't keep up, because in large part she wasn't. Few people were and most of them who had insight to how his brain really worked, the way he processed things - it didn't end well. Eli might no longer be the child who found birds in the backyard and found ways to take them a part, but he was that sort of person.

And he knew how to take apart Samara, not literally, but well enough to break into pieces he could manage. That was probably why he asked the following question. After all if she could ask it of him, why couldn't he expect the same of her. "Does that mean you already tell me everything? That you keep no secrets from me?"

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[info]tracelines
2011-12-25 09:59 pm UTC (link)
No, this wasn't where she wanted to be at all. Why hadn't she turned around earlier and just given up? She'd backed herself into a corner and now what was she supposed to do? She could evade the subject altogether which would only mean he would know the answer anyway. She could tell the truth but then of course he would also know that she had a secret she was unwilling to tell. At this point it didn't really matter what route she decided to take, she was going to give something away.

Samara's eyes were filling with tears again, but it didn't really matter because she couldn't bear to look at him. "I have always tried to be completely honest with you, Eli. It's extremely important to me that you feel like you can trust me completely." This was the truth, but it was not an answer; she knew that and now she was just waiting to see what he would say to it.

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[info]skittish
2011-12-25 10:52 pm UTC (link)
Eli let that answer hang between them a full minute. Imbuing his own meaning into the words she wasn't saying. And while it wasn't the only conclusion he arrived at, Eli decided that for tonight he was finished. This fight turned conversation wasn't going anywhere. He didn't think that anything was going to be resolved. So finally he stood up, letting out a long sigh.

"I trust you to leave me to shower, how's that for a start?" His words came out with a sort of finality as he stood up. As if he could pretend for a moment that what happened next didn't matter, he just didn't want to be doing this anymore. All this crying, the accusations. It was the exact opposite of the sex they were supposed to be having.

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[info]tracelines
2011-12-25 11:12 pm UTC (link)
She didn't know how much she'd mucked up at that point, but she was certain it was enough to give him something to think about. When he got to thinking, that always meant he'd get somewhere eventually. She'd been keeping this from him for five years now, so how much longer would it be before he figured out just what she wasn't being honest with him about?

"I'm truly sorry, Eli," because there was nothing else left to be said. He might not know why she was sorry, but she was. She always would be infinitely sorry, no matter if she felt that it was the right thing to do. It still haunted her and now that Elijah Senior had passed away in Azkaban, she was the only one left in this world that held that particular secret and the weight of such a thing was strangulating.

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