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Tweak says, "I said come on Fhqwhgads"

CHAMBERS, samara b. (tracelines) wrote in pandorarpg,
@ 2011-12-18 16:02:00

Entry tags:

!status: complete, ^date: november 07 2003, character: elijah chambers, character: samara capper

Characters: Elijah Chambers & Samara Chambers
Setting: Chambers home, 7 November 2003, 10:12pm
Rating: R, for adult themes & language
Summary: Eli has been keeping secrets of his own.

It was certainly not every day that Chambers household was this quiet. In some small miracle, Samara's brother Benji had offered to watch Jason for the night which meant that they had the entire house to themselves; it was a rarity upon which she planned to indulge properly because the chances of it happening again anytime soon were rather slim.

Since these nightmares had started Samara had felt nothing but wound up, constantly on edge around her son and even around Eli but now that Jase was out of the house she felt like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders and maybe she should have asked for this sooner. Maybe all she needed was to get away from him for a little while, because she was always so worried that she was going to hurt him like she hurt the child in the nightmare. Drawing and painting didn't seem to ease the stress enough anymore and she had started smoking just within the last week and while that seemed to help some, it never was enough.

But here, now, with Jase gone with his uncle she felt light and for the first time she wasn't so sodding worried. She wanted to live and she had her husband with her which meant she certainly could find some way to enjoy the night more than just not having to watch her son. She knew that things had been tense lately, for all of them, so maybe this is just what they needed. They had already finished tea (more take-away) and she had no idea what Eli was actually doing but that obviously didn't matter. She tracked him down and ignoring whatever he had going on, sat herself down on his lap and smiled slyly at him. "Hi there."

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skittish
2011-12-23 06:09 am UTC (link)

"It's not like I made a conscious or even deliberate decision that, why, yes, this week I am going to betray my wife. And if you honestly think that then maybe we should start there." Through everything, Samara had been his constant. Even from back in school, the second he had saw her, really saw her, there had been no going back. There would never be anyone else and not just because so much of his life was devoted to his research. Eli didn't want anyone else.

Even although he was the one to utter it, Eli was caught up on the word betray, not liking how he was being accused. "I'm trying to figure out what's happening, what have you been doing?" He would have eventually brought her into the plan, he just needed to know what role she would play. He might have known how to take things apart, but if this was about memory as he was starting to suspect than her training might come in handy. However, he wasn't sure they were going to broach that topic tonight, not with the tone already set.

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tracelines
2011-12-23 07:18 am UTC (link)

She didn't like that word. It was a very heavy word and it was not one that she would like to apply to this situation, or any for that matter. Because if that came up now, what might happen if her own secrets were revealed at some point—would that be considered a betrayal? She didn't want to think about that. "Then why didn't you just tell me, Eli? The first night we had them, you knew that they were the same?" It wasn't necessarily a question, because knowing her husband, he had probably figured it out that first night, even with the small amount of information she'd given him about her own nightmare. "So you're already researching it, yeah? So what's with all the sodding secrecy? This isn't Ministry sanctioned work, Eli, you have no reason not to tell me about it. This affects our family, it's putting us and our son in danger."

What had she been doing? She'd been losing her mind, it felt like. She'd been trying to hold herself together before she fell to pieces and could not get them back together again. She had some ideas in her mind, some contingency plans, but she did not know if she would - or even could - put them into action if events called for it. She just did not hope it got that far. "What exactly have you been expecting me to do, Eli? I've been trying to keep it together for our son, which is bloody difficult when I keep dreaming about killing children every other night! If something doesn't change soon, he may very well be without both of his parents!" Truly she had not been that worried about the prospect of dying herself, but the thought of Jason losing both of his parents broke her heart.

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skittish
2011-12-23 05:24 pm UTC (link)

Eli kept secrets. Of all of the things that he never told her, he knew that she was aware of that fact. Sure, most of them were in relation to his work and required to be secret, but that didn't mean there weren't personal ones as well. "Oh I have no intention of dying." It really wouldn't surprise anyone to know that Eli had considered some sort of fail safe to make sure that he could even control that possibility. Except he hadn't quite taken it to the extreme. Not yet at least because apparently there were some lines he wouldn't cross.

He folded his hands considering the later question - what he did suspect? "You consider yourself a danger to him, and you still spend time alone with him?" His voice was calm, not so much accusing as stating a fact. There were still things he needed to figure out and although this had caused the problem between them, he needed to understand where she stood.

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tracelines
2011-12-23 07:11 pm UTC (link)

Samara shook her head. She should have known he would say something along these lines, yet it still stung to hear it. She knew the way he considered himself and she had accepted that fact about him, but sometimes she felt as though she didn't really fit in with that ideology—this being one of those times. "Well I wouldn't want your wife or your son to stand in the way of you saving your own life." He might not have meant it that way, but it sounded as such and sometimes thinking he could be god didn't really leave much place for her.

And this—she hated him for bringing it up and making her face it. She didn't have a chair nearby so she just sank to the floor instead. "I'm his mother, it's my job to protect him. If I don't, who else will? That-that child wasn't Jase, even though in the dream it felt like it was. So I have to believe that those people - that woman - wasn't me either. I love my son and I would never hurt him." She shook her head for emphasis. She was crying, but she felt like she finally had some sort of answer, even if she might just be lying to herself so that she could feel comfortable being alone with her son. But it could be true and she wanted to believe it.

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skittish
2011-12-24 06:48 pm UTC (link)

Her explanation, whether what she honestly believed or simply what was saying, was how he saw his nightmare. It wasn't his son he was being served and then eating - or not eating as he was often interrupted before they reached that part. Not that it stopped him from considering how skinny his son was and how that wouldn't be a good meal at all.

Of course, it was still a puzzle to be figured out because he didn't think it was that simply. Not with everything he knew about memories. "Then why is it such a big deal that I didn't share that I was experiencing a similar nightmare? Would there have actually been comfort in that fact that I was the person you were serving a child to?"

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tracelines
2011-12-24 08:51 pm UTC (link)

Samara's head shot up at that statement and she looked at him, shock in her eyes. "What? No!" This conversation was getting dangerously close to a place she did not need it to be going. She had to be extremely careful how she spoke or she was going to give too much information away. "It's not about the content of the nightmares, or the nightmares at all, if that's even what they are."

She sighed, wiping her face with the sleeves of his shirt. "It's all the secrets. I'm tired of being kept in the dark, Eli. I'm your wife and I will support you - I have always supported you - in everything you ever do. It's enough that you can't tell me what you do at work, but then you keep secrets from me at home, things that affect the both of us...I just-I need you to trust me." She knew that every word she spoke was hypocritical and she hated herself for it, but she couldn't stop the words from flowing regardless.

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skittish
2011-12-25 04:12 am UTC (link)

Eli looked at her a long moment, trying to figure out what the words she said meant. Maybe he was reading too much into it, but he felt there was something else there. That perhaps they were now in a more delicate dance, except Eli couldn't hear the music. In fact, he wasn't sure he liked this very much at all. So, he did the only thing he could do was to seek safer middle ground.

"Then support me enough, trust me, to know that I will tell you what you need to know when you need to know it because that has to go both ways." Maybe he was a bit of a hypocrite because he knew that it couldn't ever fully go both ways, but it didn't have to come to this. "I may not always tell you everything, but I would never keep the big things from you willingly."

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tracelines
2011-12-25 04:55 am UTC (link)

So which was worse? Keeping small things a secret that he considered insignificant or keeping the larger things to himself? Was that the only definition of true betrayal here? Because if that was it then she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to tell him the truth, but lying to him for the rest of their lives didn't seem like a viable option either. Of course if they weren't going to live for much longer maybe it didn't even matter anymore.

Samara didn't want to talk about this anymore. She never should have brought it up. It was a stupid thing for her to do, not to mention dangerous. Always too dangerous with a man as smart as her husband. "Eli, I love you and you are a genius, but I don't believe you know everything there is to know about everything, especially when it comes to this family and what's best for the lot of us. I don't fault you that, because you've done a brilliant job with Jase despite it all, but your mind is built differently than mine - you think analytically first and emotionally second. So maybe you think that you're telling me 'what I need to know when I need to know it,' but to me it sounds like you're treating me like a child - or an idiot. I may not be at your level of intellect, but I do rather well for myself despite it."

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skittish
2011-12-25 09:29 pm UTC (link)

"All right," he said carefully. "So you want me to tell you everything." Not that he ever would and maybe he did treat her like someone who couldn't keep up, because in large part she wasn't. Few people were and most of them who had insight to how his brain really worked, the way he processed things - it didn't end well. Eli might no longer be the child who found birds in the backyard and found ways to take them a part, but he was that sort of person.

And he knew how to take apart Samara, not literally, but well enough to break into pieces he could manage. That was probably why he asked the following question. After all if she could ask it of him, why couldn't he expect the same of her. "Does that mean you already tell me everything? That you keep no secrets from me?"

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tracelines
2011-12-25 09:59 pm UTC (link)

No, this wasn't where she wanted to be at all. Why hadn't she turned around earlier and just given up? She'd backed herself into a corner and now what was she supposed to do? She could evade the subject altogether which would only mean he would know the answer anyway. She could tell the truth but then of course he would also know that she had a secret she was unwilling to tell. At this point it didn't really matter what route she decided to take, she was going to give something away.

Samara's eyes were filling with tears again, but it didn't really matter because she couldn't bear to look at him. "I have always tried to be completely honest with you, Eli. It's extremely important to me that you feel like you can trust me completely." This was the truth, but it was not an answer; she knew that and now she was just waiting to see what he would say to it.

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skittish
2011-12-25 10:52 pm UTC (link)

Eli let that answer hang between them a full minute. Imbuing his own meaning into the words she wasn't saying. And while it wasn't the only conclusion he arrived at, Eli decided that for tonight he was finished. This fight turned conversation wasn't going anywhere. He didn't think that anything was going to be resolved. So finally he stood up, letting out a long sigh.

"I trust you to leave me to shower, how's that for a start?" His words came out with a sort of finality as he stood up. As if he could pretend for a moment that what happened next didn't matter, he just didn't want to be doing this anymore. All this crying, the accusations. It was the exact opposite of the sex they were supposed to be having.

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tracelines
2011-12-25 11:12 pm UTC (link)

She didn't know how much she'd mucked up at that point, but she was certain it was enough to give him something to think about. When he got to thinking, that always meant he'd get somewhere eventually. She'd been keeping this from him for five years now, so how much longer would it be before he figured out just what she wasn't being honest with him about?

"I'm truly sorry, Eli," because there was nothing else left to be said. He might not know why she was sorry, but she was. She always would be infinitely sorry, no matter if she felt that it was the right thing to do. It still haunted her and now that Elijah Senior had passed away in Azkaban, she was the only one left in this world that held that particular secret and the weight of such a thing was strangulating.

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