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lavender is sure that living is worse ([info]lavishly) wrote in [info]pandorarpg,
@ 2011-12-14 00:15:00

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Entry tags:!status: complete, ^date: november 07 2003, character: lavender brown, character: michael corner

Characters: Michael Corner & Lavender Brown
Setting: Lavender's bedroom, after three am
Rating: Rish, for disturbing imagery
Summary: Lavender has the nightmare to end all nightmares.

Lavender wasn't sure when she fell asleep, or even when the more vidid images started to drift into her already exhausted mind. There had just been so much going on and it made sense that her mind would try to deal with in dreams. She would have liked to believe that having Michael there helped. Although it was difficult to measure if her restlessness could be worse. Lavender had thrashed and moved around, half waking up with her heart racing, only to curl into Michael like if she could burrow deep enough he could make them go away.

The worst one came not long after three am. It started typically enough. Lavender was barefoot running through the Forbidden Forest with Greyback closing in on her at every step. No matter how fast she pushed herself, she could never go fast enough. She stumbled over a knot of roots, tumbling down into a small drop in the woods, her body covered in cuts and scrapes and her arm stuck under a rock that was too heavy to move.

She struggled against it, tears welling in her eyes, but not letting herself cry because she had to escape. Just as she broke free, Greyback came leaping down on her - all teeth and claws. He bit hard into her shoulder, taking a piece of her flesh with him and she screamed out.

This was usually the part where someone came to save her and then she attacked them once Greyback was gone. Tonight the role of savior was played by Bianca Dunstan, only it wasn't really Bianca because her hair was too vibrant of a red. Without a wand, she blasted Greyback away.

"Oh my dear child, you have found yourself in quite the state. Let me help you."

Her breathing had barely returned to normal, let alone respond to the question before a swarm of Cornish Pixies descended upon her. In the distance she could hear that laughter ringing her ears. The pixies were relentless. They bit and tore at her at her skin revealing patches of fur where muscle and bone should be. They didn't stop until the girl was no longer leaving a werewolf in her place.

"Yes, now, that is much better. Now, you are what you were meant to be and you will help me become what I am destined to be."

The woods disappeared as the whole dreamscape shifted around her until it focused on her flat. She stood by the bedroom door, watching two people sleep in her bed. One she knew as Michael and the other she couldn't name. Her dream self shifted on her haunches and pounced on the bed. Her sharp, nasty teeth bared, she ripped back the covers slicing frantically into Michael.

The Michael in her dream started to struggle, trying to escape. A low growl rumbled in her throat as he nearly knocked her off the bed, but she paused as if having a second thought. She didn't want to hurt Michael.

Then the blonde woman beside Michael reached over to help hold the man down, a pleased smile slipping across her face. "Well, if you're not going to do it, then I guess I will. I mean it would be a shame to let such a treat go to waste." Her fingers shifted into claws as she ripped Michael's heart from his chest.

The woman - herself, she saw it now, titled back her head her jaw sort of unhinging presumably so that she could eat the heart.

Lavender shot up in the bed, screaming "NO!" The sudden movement meant her limbs were everywhere and more violently than before not that she had the sense to worry about hurting Michael just then. Her whole body was shaking. It was just too real.


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[info]mlcorner
2011-12-14 07:30 am UTC (link)
Michael was drifting in and out of sleep most of the night as Lavender tossed and turned beside him. He tried his best to hold her, comfort her, brush her hair through his fingers, rub her back or her arm when he felt her stir or heard her wimper, but nothing really seemed to make a difference. It felt like hell for him; he was helpless and he had no control over anything. He couldn't get her to stop having these nightmares no matter what he did and he hated the fact that he was so useless lying there.

He had just fallen into a deeper sleep when he felt the bed move and a limb dig deep into his ribs, followed by Lavender screaming. His wand was in his hand immediately so that he could cast Lumos and see what was happening, but he could see nothing physically ailing her besides the fact that she was shaking almost uncontrollably. Michael was on her in seconds, wand forgotten; he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her head to his chest so that he could rest his chin on top of it. "Shhh, love, it's over now," he said, rocking her back and forth like he used to do to James when he would come to his room after a nightmare. He smoothed out her hair with one hand and kept the other around her waist.

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[info]lavishly
2011-12-14 08:24 pm UTC (link)
Rather than sooth her, Lavender's immediate reaction was to further thrash against being held. She wasn't used to other people sleeping in her bed. And given her current state she wasn't fully processing what was happening. It was all just scary and she wanted to get away from it, get away from him. What really set her off was him pulling her toward his chest - his heart so close to her face.

Lavender lost it again there, limbs failing as she broke free of his arms and fell unceremoniously to the cold floor with a loud thunk. She hadn't remembered crying, but she squeezed her eyes shut she felt tears there. Counting to ten in her head she tried to breath, awareness that she wasn't dreaming anymore sinking back - not that it did anything to remove the feeling in her stomach.

When she opened her eyes she was relieved to see ten pink fingers and ten pink toes. Once she knew that all her parts where in place and that her jaw wasn't able to unhinge, only then did look up at the bed to see Michael there. "God, Michael," she said in an exhale, needing to hear that he was okay as well as see it.

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[info]mlcorner
2011-12-14 11:02 pm UTC (link)
Michael tried to catch her before she fell off the bed but he couldn't and she slipped off with him reaching uselessly after her. He looked down over the edge of the bed at her, resisting his first instinct to jump down after her because there had to be a reason she had pushed away from him like she had. She was not ready to be touched by him yet and he wasn't going to force her when she was in this state, especially when she was half delirious from sleep and so emotional on top of it.

He sat on the bed just watching, feeling stupid and useless like usual. Finally she looked at him and spoke. He stumbled over his words, eyes pleading helplessly. "Lav, what was—are you alright? Can I—is there anything I can do?"

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[info]lavishly
2011-12-15 01:27 am UTC (link)
She sat there just looking at him for a long moment, knowing that she didn't deserve him, shouldn't brought him into this. Lavender hadn't been understating matters when she said that she was a mess. While tonight had been a bit more extreme than normal, it wasn't that far off the mark.

Lavender opened her mouth to speak and stopped. She wasn't sure there was anything her could do. In fact at that moment, the only thing she was sure of was that she wasn't ready to get back into that bed. So she reached up and tugged the comforter off, pulling it down around her.

"I ripped your heart out and ate it," she said after a moment. Surely, she had meant to ask him to join her, but it didn't quite come out that way. She was standing on that line - the one that made her Hyde instead of Jekyll. Only even in her admission she wasn't being honest because the real horrifying part was that some part of her, the crazy unhinge-able jaw part, liked what had happened found pleasure in it.

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[info]mlcorner
2011-12-15 02:37 am UTC (link)
When she pulled the comforter down from the bed, Michael lay down on his stomach and rested his chin on his hands near the end of the bed facing her. He thought it best not to get down on the floor with her just then. She seemed to be in bad shape and considering what she said next, he decided that his being near her wasn't a good idea at all.

He tried his best to hide the shock that flitted across his face, but he hadn't exactly expected her to say something so blunt. Normally she didn't say much at all, so it certainly had an effect. He began to chew on his bottom lip to recover his face when he could think of something - anything - to say, he said, "Love, it wasn't real. If I thought you'd really do that I wouldn't be here. I know you, Lavender, and I trust you. Now you need to learn to trust yourself."

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[info]lavishly
2011-12-15 02:52 am UTC (link)
The adrenaline seemed to burning off now, the immediate fear passing and settling on that sort of uneasy clarity or at least something like clarity. The pieces were falling into place. Even if she was still trembling, she grounding herself in the waking world, which could be just as bad as her nightmares.

A sad smile fell across her face as she watched him react. She wasn't sure what she had been expecting, but she saw what she needed to see. "Except that you are there and I'm here."

She was so conflicted, so contrary. What she wanted was not at all clear in how she acted or even in what she asked for. Lavender was divided and truly torn about everything, especially who she was. She wasn't sure she would ever be able to trust herself, she didn't even think that he trusted her. And yet she wanted him to lie to her, to hold her, and tell her everything was going to okay, when she knew it wasn't. Or even that she couldn't have that.

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[info]mlcorner
2011-12-15 03:11 am UTC (link)
Michael gave her a small smile. "Yes well the last time I tried to hold you, you fell off the bed trying to get away from me. I'm beginning to learn that I should probably let you come to me when you're ready instead of the other way round." Michael sat up and dangled his feet over the edge of the bed, running his hands through his hair.

"Sides, I think that might prevent so many incidents where things are being hurled at my face...though probably not." He was trying to make her smile because he didn't know what else to do. And he didn't know what was going on in her head just then, but he knew it probably wasn't that great.

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[info]lavishly
2011-12-15 03:17 am UTC (link)
Only she was never going to simply come to him. Lavender Brown might have been a Gryffindor, but she didn't have the courage to take what she wanted and even at times what she needed. She looked up at him, eyes glassy with tears, but her expression open and unguarded. "This is who I am, Lavender Brown at her glory." Nothing more than a heap on the floor bundled in a blanket who in other times threw things and kept people away. It was safer that way.

"But hey, at least it could be over soon." It barely counted as an attempt at humor. She wasn't even sure if she was trying to be funny or not, it was just sort of sad and pathetic. Yes, she was back on this topic from only a few hours ago, but she couldn't let it go not when it came up again in her nightmare.

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[info]mlcorner
2011-12-15 04:32 am UTC (link)
Michael sighed because he hated when she said things like that and despite what he'd just said, he couldn't just let that go. So he pushed himself off the bed and sat down on the floor next to her, tugging the corner of the comforter out until he was underneath it with her. Michael put his hand around her shoulders and leaned her toward him, trying to get her to rest her head on his shoulder.

"Nightmare is over now, Lav. I'll be here to help you face life if you ever want to lean on me. You don't even have to ask, you can just come find me and I'm yours. I lo—" Michael shut up quickly then, because these were words he did not say. Michael Corner did not do this. The greatest part of his arrangement with Lavender had been that it was an arrangement and nothing more. What the fuck was going on?

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[info]lavishly
2011-12-15 05:37 am UTC (link)
While she had fought him before, this time she let him in, seeking that comfort. It was too soon before, the setting too similar. Lavender was still coming down from the nightmare, her head still trying to make sense of it all and find meaning. For now she pressed her nose into the crevice of his neck inhaling a scent that was pure Michael.

It was soothing, steadying and then he let that half-spoken word hand between them. Lavender leaned back, turning her head and trying to catch his eyes. Things with Michael had never been that simple, it was never just an arrangement for her. They might not have put labels on it and it might have been part coping mechanism, but that wasn't all it was.

It couldn't be. Not when after the battle, he was that one she went to seeking validation and something more only to find that she couldn't handle it. She wasn't sure if she could handle it now, but she needed to know. "You what?"

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[info]mlcorner
2011-12-15 03:57 pm UTC (link)
No no no. This was not happening. Why did she have to notice? Why in Merlin's name would he even have started to say something like that? It was never something he thought about it, he didn't even know if he felt it except that he had always been there with Lavender and not really acknowledged it. So when the words began tumbling out of his mouth they just seemed to be, without thought or explanation or rationalisation. But there were those things now and they were all telling him that he was completely nutters to think that he was in love with Lavender Brown. Michael Corner did not fall in love. He did not do relationships at all, so how would he know how to love someone?

"I-I - you - it's-" It was not very often than Michael was at a loss for words. Generally he could drum up something to say without any trouble but this was definitely a situation in which he could not bring himself to actually finish that sentence or to even try to consider that maybe it was true. He pulled his arm from around her shoulders and linked his hands behind the back of his neck, holding his head between his knees. He almost felt physically ill by all of this. Eventually he just said, "I'm not sure," because that was better than what he was going to say before and it was partially true and he didn't want to think about this. He never wanted to think about this.

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[info]lavishly
2011-12-15 07:25 pm UTC (link)
Some pair the two of them made, falling apart on her bedroom floor in the early morning. Now it was her turn to sit there at a complete loss. She had eaten his heart and liked it on top of too many other things gone wrong, the three of swords included. Maybe it was a bad idea. Maybe she should have found some excuse to leave, take a shower, head down to the bakery anything. But she didn't, she just sat there looking at him.

"What if," she started and considered not saying it because it opened a door she wasn't sure she was ready to look down. Being certain didn't make it better. In fact that was scarier for her. To love someone, to even want someone, and he was always there. She could throw all sorts of vegetables, books and anything else at him and not once had he ran in the other direction. Even when she tried to make him fit into a safer version of the world, he never fit. Not couldn't.

"What if I was?"

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[info]mlcorner
2011-12-15 09:55 pm UTC (link)
Michael was considering the possibility that he was losing his mind. That made more sense to him at the moment than this situation currently did and it would really make him feel better about the whole of this. It was completely wrong to be trying to do this with Lavender dealing with all that she was and barely able to survive and him not knowing what he was supposed to do with his life or whether he was even of any use to anybody not to mention the fact that he didn't know the first thing about love anyway. And he didn't know how to date people because every time he tried he ruined it and generally on purpose so he could get out.

So when she spoke his head shot up and he looked at her face even though he really didn't want to, because he couldn't believe what she was saying. Surely she couldn't mean it; maybe he wasn't hearing it correctly. "What?" he replied, a little bit harshly because he really was having trouble believing this.

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[info]lavishly
2011-12-16 02:40 am UTC (link)
"I'm you're here. You've always been here," she said, unaware at the moment that she had opened the flood gate for words she wouldn't be able to take back. Hopefully words she wouldn't want to take back. "I mean I threw carrots at you, was something of a bitch, and you stayed. You stay or you come back even when I don't deserve it." And she honestly believed that she didn't deserve it most of the time, but that was what made her sure and in making her sure made her absolutely terrified.

"You're like the only person who I don't regularly feel looks at me and sees my scars first, you're the only one who matters that has actually seen them, touched them, kissed them and that scares me because I don't know what you see, I have never understood what happened that night because I'm different. And then when I freaked out and didn't talk to you for weeks, you thought it was your fault."

She had issues the size of mountain ranges that she didn't know how to get through. Lavender hadn't actually dated anyone in six years. They shouldn't be right for each other, but maybe they weren't right for anyone else. And it was all just complicated, but it still came back to the same conclusion.

"So, yeah, maybe I'm sure."

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[info]mlcorner
2011-12-16 03:42 am UTC (link)
It was these words that pulled him back to the here and now, back to her, back to himself. He put a hand on her knee and looked into her eyes, his face softening. "Lav, you have never been a bitch. You are having a bad go of it and I know that, I'm not going to fault you for throwing a few carrots. But you will always deserve my support—it's who you are that makes you deserving of that."

Michael sighed. He still felt bad about what happened that night, because he should have just said no after he realised that she didn't seem ready but he hadn't. "It was my fault in some ways. I shouldn't have let it happen. I knew that it wasn't right but, I wanted it—I wanted you again." He shook his head and looked away from her because he didn't think he could say any of this if he was looking at her face.

"Lav, your scars, they don't matter to me. You want to know what I see when I look at you? I see you, the same way I've always seen you, the same way I saw you in seventh year, the same way I have seen you the past five years even though you have tried your damnedest to keep me out. And I like that person, no matter how many books she throws at me, but I—how can you be sure? I don't - I'm not - this is - oh bloody hell!" Michael Corner, bloody tongue-tied and speechless once again. It truly was a world record at this point.

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[info]lavishly
2011-12-17 03:01 am UTC (link)
"You here," she repeated because it was the most important fact. No one else was allowed to get this close. "You wanted me, you see me." Lavender reached for him, taking his hand in hers, needing that sort of physical contact. And for once taking what she needed rather than making him give it.

"And I ate your heart." Strange as a thing that was to say, she said it. For as horrible as the nightmare was, the part that forced her awake was when she killed him. She could handle everything else, but not hurting the people she loved.

It was there now. Without outright saying it, it hung between them after this morning there would be no going back.

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[info]mlcorner
2011-12-17 04:13 am UTC (link)
"I'll always be here for you, Lav. I'll always see you and I'll always want you." Michael squeezed her hand.

He tried to look into her eyes but he couldn't hold her gaze as he continued. "But I don't - I don't know how to do this. I can't - I've always - anytime I tried to date someone I ruined it, Lav. I don't know that I can do this right." Finally he looked up into her eyes and touched her cheek softly, saying, "And I don't want to - I cant hurt you. You mean too much to me for that."

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[info]lavishly
2011-12-17 10:15 pm UTC (link)
"You're already doing it and nothing is being ruined." The truth was that anything more would be too much. Lavender was barely dealing with the uneasy ground they were walking on now. Even indirectly, she couldn't ask for anything more. She certainly wouldn't be able to return it. Even now, he gave more than she could return.

Lavender looked away from him, catching a glimpse of the clock on her nightstand. Slowly approaching 4 a.m. now. "But it's late, or early, and I told Ken I would stop by the bakery if I could this morning." Technically she had taken today off, and tomorrow as well, but that had never stopped her from going in anyway. Sometimes she just needed the change of scenery or the distraction. And really she just needed an escape route just in case.

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[info]mlcorner
2011-12-17 11:04 pm UTC (link)
"Yeah, alright," Michael nodded and stood, holding his hand out to her so he could help her up from the floor. "Let's see if you can get some sleep then." He didn't know if she could sleep without nightmares or not, but he was hoping that she might be able to have a few hours with normal sleep.

He made a mental note to get some sleep potions and see if he could work with them at his flat to be targeted to certain types of dreams and also see if he could somehow get them to block out these memories for Lavender and the rest of his friends.

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[info]lavishly
2011-12-18 04:18 am UTC (link)
She took his hand as she stood up. "Actually, I should head over to the bakery now." Her uncle had probably been there for about an hour, working on the doughs. Lavender had thought being at work by half four was difficult enough, she couldn't imagine anything earlier than that.

"But you should stay, sleep, help yourself to whatever is in the kitchen when you wake up." She figured the least that she owed him was a few hours of actual sleep and something of a decent meal in the morning. After all, she did know something about baking.

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[info]mlcorner
2011-12-18 04:30 am UTC (link)
Michael raised an eyebrow. He wasn't sure if she just wanted to avoid having nightmares again, if she was trying to get away from him, or if she just wanted to get out for a while. "Are you sure you want to go in already?" He knew that they had to start in early at the bakery, just as he had to stay in late at the pub, but he didn't think that she would even go into work these few days around the full moon, all things considered. "You haven't had much sleep, Lav," he said, concern written on his face.

"If you're leaving I can head back to my flat. I don't want to impose or anything." He never really had a problem staying the night with anyone, even when he had shagged them, but things had changed and he didn't know how much nor did he rightly even quite know how they'd changed and he felt uncomfortable in his own skin, but most importantly, he didn't know what to really say or do and that was never a problem for him before and it just bothered him. A lot. Michael never had to think about what to say, he just always knew and now—well now he felt like a git.

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[info]lavishly
2011-12-18 05:14 am UTC (link)
She looked at him and then over at her bed. She knew the easy thing, the safe thing was to insist she had to leave now. It wouldn't undo everything that was hanging between them unspoken but acknowledged now, but it wouldn't let it linger anymore. And maybe they needed time and space to figure it out.

And if she stayed...well, she might actually get some sleep and it could even be good. But then they would have to have this dance again in a few hours.

"It's nearly the time I would be waking up to head in anyway." She said finally without really answering his questions. At least that part wasn't a lie. "But you should stay and you wouldn't be imposing any, seriously. Sleep a while longer."

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[info]mlcorner
2011-12-18 05:37 am UTC (link)
Michael nodded. He didn't want to make things more awkward by saying no to her, so he nodded. "Alright, love, I'll stay. Thanks for letting me. I can stop by the bakery to see you when I wake up?" It was a question, because he didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable by popping by unannounced.

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[info]lavishly
2011-12-18 05:53 am UTC (link)
"If you'd like," she said, already in motion to find some sort of clothes to wear. "I'll probably be finished before eight." While Lavender was going in on a day off, she really didn't want to be around for the pre-work rush. Even if she was going to stay hidden away in the kitchen, she didn't need to be around that sort of energy.

The energy in own bedroom was already confusing enough. Not that it was an outright a bad thing, just that it was new. Well, sort of new to have a boy in her bed. Really to have Michael in her bed. She was surprised by how much she liked that idea, and decided to worry about that later right now she just needed work appropriate attire.

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