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Derek Morgan (derek__morgan) wrote in omega_reality,
@ 2011-11-23 18:18:00

Entry tags:

*complete, 2011 11, character: derek morgan, character: emily prentiss, dead: spencer reid

RP: Derek/Reid, Derek/Emily
Who: Derek/Reid, Derek/Emily
Where: Geek room, their house
When: Dinner time, November 23, 2011
Summary: Derek decides that he and Reid need to talk

Derek knew better than to expect Reid to talk to him, regardless of how many emails he sent. He'd let things slide, because Reid had every right to be upset about the situation, but this couldn't go on for long. As usual his time was limited with work and training, but there was one time when he could corner Reid.

He got dinner for the two of them, and then went to find the other man. It wasn't hard to guess where to find Reid. If he wasn't with Major Crime, he was with the geek squad, although it seemed that even geeks went home with the exception of Reid. Derek went inside and put a container in front of Reid. "I got dinner in case you forgot. It's Chinese what you like and I got a plastic fork for you. I thought we could talk while we eat."

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dr_s_reid
2011-11-23 11:46 pm UTC (link)

Spencer had lost track of time, but that was normal. He liked the quiet, just the hum of the computer and silence. It was so hard to come by and he treasured it. Why would he want to be anywhere else? He managed to get comfortable, legs crossed in his chair and a book open across his lap.

When Morgan walked in he didn’t have to look up to know who it was, so he didn’t although his gaze faltered and he skipped a line so he started the page over. “Thank you,” Spencer said, nodding towards the food that Derek sat down for him. He did know what he liked but Spencer really didn’t like where this was going. He knew Morgan well enough to know it wasn’t good.

“Problem?” He asked, placing his finger on the page before he glanced up at him. If this was something to do with the job then it deserved his full attention.

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derek__morgan
2011-11-23 11:51 pm UTC (link)

"Problem? Mmmm, let me see. You haven't talk to me in weeks, since that night more precisely, and when I emailed the director about living arrangements you basically said that you don't want to live with us," Derek said. "And don't tell me that it's not what you wrote, because I know you well enough to know what you mean."

Derek opened his own food, and played with the chop sticks, moving the rice around. "I miss you. I miss talking to you about things that have nothing to do with work. So I guess that's my problem, but I was hoping that we were still friends."

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dr_s_reid
2011-11-24 12:06 am UTC (link)

Spencer was quiet while Morgan talked, watching the text in front of him but not reading it. He considered listening at all to be quite decent of him. He hadn’t been hungry to begin with and honestly talking about this was a good way to make sure he wouldn’t be at all, because his stomach had already dropped down, churning uncomfortably as he tried not to think about it too carefully.

Once he’d finished Spencer cleared his throat, shaking his head once slowly back and forth. “I don’t have anything to say.” He said simply, which was the truth. He wasn’t forcing himself to stay quiet around Morgan or the others. It was simply that even when he wanted to say something he thought about what had happened, what Morgan had said to him and whatever it was, was gone again.

“You have many people here that would be happy to talk to you about anything you might want to discuss. I’m not one of them. Look, I’m busy. Thank you for dinner, but if that’s all?” Spencer said, finally looking up to make eye contact for a brief moment before his eyes were back on the book.

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derek__morgan
2011-11-24 12:13 am UTC (link)

Derek looked at him frowning. "That's all? No, that's not all. It's not that simple, Reid. I don't care how many people there are around. I've been here for a year and there have been plenty of people around for a long time, but I haven't talked, not the way I talk to you, or Garcia, or Emily. You're friends; you are family."

He sighed. "Don't you have anything to say or don't you want to tell me anything because I've hurt you? I'm sorry, Reid, that entire conversation-" He got up, locked the door and when he sat back, he took the chair next to Reid. "I know you're busy. I know you're doing this while you're on major crimes. I know you're putting a lot of energy into this, but you're not just this. Even when we worked fifteen hours, we had each other, we could rely on one another. That's all I want. I missed it for so long, and then you got here, and now it's gone again. I am sorry for hurting you, but please don't shut me out like this."

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dr_s_reid
2011-11-24 12:33 am UTC (link)

Spencer sighed, he was tired and the headache that had been threatening him for days was bound to crash down any moment now. “Then you have Emily and Garcia to talk to, who are both friends and family. Go and really talk to them, Morgan.” Reid said simply, his voice quiet.

When Morgan locked the door he tensed, fingers digging into the book. Why couldn’t he just be left alone? Morgan had caused to much damage already and he was still trying to put himself back together, try to find any sense of self worth he could and cling to it. “I have nothing to say to you, Morgan. I don’t want to tell you about my day, I don’t want to talk about this and I most certainly don’t have any desire to tell you how I feel about anything.” Spencer said slowly and clearly, tensed like he was worried at any moment Morgan might put a hand on his shoulder.

“There is nothing left. You’ve said it all and I don’t know what you want me to tell you Morgan, but you’re right. It’s gone. Thank you for your apology but you shouldn’t be sorry for how you feel and you made yourself perfectly clear.” Spencer said, pushing his chair to the side, putting more space between them.

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derek__morgan
2011-11-24 12:56 am UTC (link)

"I know I do, but you are as much friend and family as they are. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose our friendship. It means too much- You mean too much to me, and I want to fix this. I want to do whatever I need to," he said.

Derek looked at Reid, taking in even the slightest changes in his behavior. He hadn't seen Reid this skittish since his addiction days, snapping at Emily. "No, Reid, I haven't said it all, and I've certainly not been clear. Fuck, I don't think I even know what I was trying to say, and I'm sure that some of it came out wrong, and I'm trying to apologize for that, not for the way I feel, because I know that neither one of us wants me to pretend, not about something as important as being in love, but the rest... I- I didn't make myself perfectly clear, because I wasn't even clear, and I didn't mean to hurt you, which I know I have."

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dr_s_reid
2011-11-24 01:23 am UTC (link)

“It’s been weeks, Morgan. Weeks and weeks for you to see that this is how this is now. Anything that you’re worried about losing is already lost. We don’t get what we want,” Spencer said.

He wanted to be frustrated; he wanted to be angry and spiteful. But he wasn’t. He was so utterly crushed under this that it was hard to even be in the same room with Morgan at all. “You are so stubborn and you always accuse me of listening and not hearing and you’re here doing the exact same thing now to me. I’m not going to tell you how I feel, how the things you said have affected me. Because I’m not going to open myself up to you like that again, I did and I was completely prepared for rejection but what I got wasn’t a no. What I got was cruel and heartless and it completely changed my idea of who you are.” Spencer said his voice quiet and monotone.

“Now I’ve really said more than I ever wanted to and I have other things to do,” Spencer said, but his voice cracked and he covered his face with his hand, fingers rubbing away the sharp tendrils of pain that cut through his eyes.

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derek__morgan
2011-11-24 01:35 am UTC (link)

"I know, but I thought I should give you some time. I fucked up, pushing you to answer questions in one night. I was wrong once and I didn't want to screw up again, by pushing more. I was hoping that giving time would make things better, and not worse," he said.

"I'm very stubborn and I don't trust easily. I'm impulsive and strike when I'm on uneven footing, but you know that about me. I've never pretended to be perfect. I'm far from it, and I am so very sorry if that's how I made you feel. I was trying to do the opposite and obviously made a mess of things."

He tapped Reid's knee, not keeping his hand there, though. "You are one of the most important people in my life, Reid. I never meant to be cruel or heartless, I was trying to say no without saying no, and obviously I screwed up, because it doesn't matter what I mean. What matters is that I hurt you."

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dr_s_reid
2011-11-24 01:49 am UTC (link)

“You always push, you push and you push and where does it get you? It doesn’t get you what you want, so maybe you should stop. Stop pushing me.” Spencer said, trying to put some bite in his words but it all just came out completely hopeless sounding.

Spencer had pushed this down, he’d been dealing with it slowly in his own time and Morgan’s words tore at him, bring everything up again, bringing it all up as fresh hurt. Reid hated him, just a little bit. Hadn’t it been bad enough the first time? “I trusted you, I trusted you with everything and you treated me like an inconvenience. Because that’s what I am aren’t I? I’m a liability, someone you have to worry about who can’t look after themselves. Someone who relies on you too much, who thought the damn world of you, Morgan. I am not your equal? Fine. But don’t get to then turn around and ask me for anything.”

He breathed slowly, not letting himself get upset like he had when Morgan had left the first night. Pushed him off and just left after hurting him worse than anyone else ever had. But then he touched him and Spencer jumped. “Do not touch me. Just don’t. Please.” He said firmly, running his hand quickly over the place Derek had put his hand. “If you respected me at all, then you would have just said no. But you didn’t and you don’t.”

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derek__morgan
2011-11-24 02:21 am UTC (link)

"I know, and trust me that has burned me more than once. It came be a good thing when we're working, but not so much on a personal level. I know that, but I can't seem to stop myself," he said with a sigh.

"You are not an inconvenience. You've never been that, Reid, and if that's what you heard, it wasn't my intention. Of course I worry about you, but it's not because you can't look after yourself. You've proven that you can on the field, but I will always worry about you, because I care. It's instinct, it's something I do, not because you can't help yourself, but it's what I do, I protect people." He sighed. "Reid, you survived when you were a kid with a sick mother. You were an adult when you shouldn't have been, you've shown that you can take care of yourself and your mother, and you know something, it still doesn't matter, because I will always want to protect you, because you are my friend, because I care for you."

He raised his hands. "I'm not going to touch you; I promise. I still would like to talk to you, because it's not that I don't respect you. I do. I was trying to explain that-" He stopped because he wasn't going to mess up again. "I just want to protect you , because I care, Reid, and not because you're less than what I am. If anything you have proven to be the better man. You're not just a genius, but you're also an agent. You've managed to do both, while I can only do one. I can protect the people I care about."

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dr_s_reid
2011-11-24 02:48 am UTC (link)

"I'm not going to let you push me anymore, Morgan. You've lost that right." Spencer said, because none of the excuses in the world made up for what had happened, what Morgan had said.

He might have thought he was helping and saying all the right things but Spencer could still hear what he'd said in the heat of the moment and he'd never forget it, he'd played it over and over in his head too many times. "Emily arrived here and do you think I don't know how relieved you were? That you had a partner you can trust to have your back. Because you can talk now about how you care about me and that I've proven myself but you will never see me as more than a smart kid." Spencer rubbed his face again, still refusing to make eye contact. "This goes so much deeper than you not returning my feelings and the things you said to me that night and it just took that for me to see how deep it runs."

Spencer was getting upset, it had been the last thing he wanted but he couldn't help it. Then the more upset he got the worse his head hurt and he covered his face again. "Stop it. Do you think I haven't been hurt by people in the past? Rejected because of who I am? Being a genius is just who I am, as much as the colour of my skin. It's not something I do it's something I am and no one ever likes you more because of it. So because I'm different I will always be the one left behind, the person who is too much in some places and not enough in others. I trusted you so much I felt safe enough to tell you how I felt, even though I knew you'd never feel the same and you told me I was good enough for sex and not for anything else. Don't sit here now and tell me how much you care."

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derek__morgan
2011-11-24 02:58 am UTC (link)

"You shouldn't have let me even before." And this was the problem, Reid let him too often.

"Of course I am relieved. God, Reid, you told me she was dead, and she is my partner. She has a place in our family, we all have our roles. It doesn't make one better than the other. It just makes different, all of us," he pointed out. "There's nothing wrong with that. This is why we're so strong as a team. We all have our strengths and our weaknesses and together we work."

He shook his head. "That's- I see you like a younger brother, yes. I can't help what I feel, Reid. It's not that I think you're weak, but my feelings for you are those of family, not those of a lover. So I fucked up there too. I was just trying to explain that I can't see us in a relationship because I don't have those kind of feelings, and I wouldn't have sex just for the hell of it. I respect you too much for that, even when you suggested it, I can't, because you mean something to me. If you were some random person, then sure, sex would be fine, but you- If I can't give you more, then it can't even be sex, not because you're not attractive, but because it's not right."

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dr_s_reid
2011-11-24 03:41 am UTC (link)

“Then why am I listening to you now? When I’ve already told you I don’t want to talk about this anymore?” The truth was Spencer would always be powerless to resist Morgan and he hated himself for that, more than he could ever hate Morgan.

“You aren’t listening to me and if you are, you aren’t hearing me. You told me you didn’t see me as an equal and suddenly everything made sense. I feel like such a fool, not for kissing you, but for the years I’ve spent adoring you, the one person who saw me for me when it turns out you don’t see it at all.”

Spencer stood up, placing the book down on his desk. He felt a little unstable on his feet but he put the desk between them, needing space to think clearly and really he wanted to be as far away from Morgan. “This whole thing is done. You’re not interested. You don’t have to repeat yourself, unless you actively want to hurt me more, in which case you are succeeding.” Spencer said, sitting on the desk with his back to Derek. “We’re not equals in your eyes and as much as I knew I’d never be more than some kid to you, despite what I hoped, I have no desire to have you as a part of my personal life.”

He wanted to lie down in the dark and forget this, run through everything he knew on a loop until it was just a dull roar in the back of his head. “And I have been treated badly by so many people, called every name imaginable and been made to feel worthless more times than I care to count but no one has ever made me feel worse than you. So stand up and please leave because what ever you think you’re going to achieve here, you’re not.”

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derek__morgan
2011-11-24 03:54 am UTC (link)

"Because you should probably smack me for being an idiot and not being able to take a minute or an hour to sit and think before talking, but you know me too well by now to hope that I'll ever change?" he said with a tiny smile.

He watched Reid pace and listened to the words and when Reid finished, he banged his head against the desk, probably a little harder than he had intended. "Ouch, that hurts," he said, rubbing his fore head.

"Okay, let's start with one thing, the one very easy thing. I know you Spencer Reid. I know when you worry, when you're happy, when you identify with an UnSub, when you are hurt, when you're itching for a fix," he said. "I know you, the good and the bad. I've always had faith in you and your abilities. I've never seen a genius, but a man who happens to be a genius, two different things."

At least that was the easier thing in his head. Hopefully he had explained it right. "I'm going to say it once and hopefully I can make understand and if not, I'll leave you alone. You're not some random kid. That's not what I said. You are like a brother, just like Garcia is like a sister. We might not be related, we might not share parents, but you, all of you, mean the world to me. You know things that my own family doesn't know. I've trusted you with every part of my life. I'm sorry that it's not good enough. I truly am, but all other types of love have never lasted long in my life." With Emily, it hadn't even started. "Family is forever. You might not like me, you might not want to talk to me, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let you go through life alone, because you are family and I will be there, whether you like it or not." He took the container of food and got up. "I do love you, Reid."

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dr_s_reid
2011-11-24 04:46 am UTC (link)

“I know you too well and I know you can’t help yourself. I used to love that about you,” Spencer said, but there was no trace of a smile on his face.

He ignored Morgan slamming his head into the desk, envious really because that’s exactly what he wanted to do himself.

Just hearing him say fix made him close his eyes and stretch his neck. It would have been amazing and it was everything he wanted. Just once more, just once and everything that pushed down on him and filled his head would stop. Everything would just stop and he could just be. He reached into his pocket for the NA chip, holding onto it tight enough that it practically cut into his palm.

He said just some random kid like that made it better and Spencer cringed, keeping his eyes closed. “You can say all of that now as much as you want, Morgan. But I don’t trust you anymore. In the field, of course. But with anything more than that, I can’t. Even being alone is better than using the word family to cover all manner of terrible things that have happened.” Spencer said, pressing his hand into his forehead again.

“You haven’t explained anything; you’ve just reminded me of the past, of how we used to be. You have no excuse for what you said and the damage is done. The illusion is shattered, Morgan. I don’t want to be part of your family, because I’m not a little brother or a freaky genius. Because I’m a grown god damn man and I’ve been to hell and back and I’m sick of feeling like even if I’m not some kid, I’m your kid, throwing tantrums to get his way.” Spencer said, his voice breaking on almost every second word.

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derek__morgan
2011-11-24 04:59 am UTC (link)

"I haven't changed." He stopped, because that wasn't true either. "Actually, I have. I've tried to be the leader that Hotch would want me to, I've tried to think and not be rush. I've tried to do so many things, and I think I've manage, but with you and Emily, I regress to who I was, because I trust you enough to see my faults for what they are."

He rubbed his neck. "Damn it, Reid. I was never perfect, and maybe this is a good thing, maybe it's time that you see me for who I am, a flawed man, and I'd hope that you could consider me a friend despite my fault, because it's very easy to be friends with someone we think is perfect. It's also very hard not to see you as my kid brother, when you 'adored' me."

Derek took another deep breath. "I know you aren't a kid, but you can be a grown man and I can still have brotherly feelings for you. I'll apologize for everything I've done wrong, but not for that. It's how I feel, and I can be wrong for many reasons, but you're still upset with me because of the way I feel. I can't fix that, Reid. You need to find it in you to accept that and maybe we can be friends on equal grounds."

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dr_s_reid
2011-11-24 05:19 am UTC (link)

“I’m smart enough to know you’re not perfect, don’t worry about that,” Spencer said with a little huff of unamused laughter. He’d known it was only a matter of time before Morgan turned this back on him, he’d been expecting it from the start and he was actually impressed with how long he’d managed to go before it was all his fault again. “Well you won’t have to worry about seeing me as your kid brother anymore then, Morgan.”

Spencer shook his head. “You’re wrong. How you feel is how you feel and I never wanted you to feel any way except how you do. It’s me whose feelings have changed. You didn’t want to be with me and I understand that. Well I don’t want to be anything with someone who doesn’t see me as an equal or sees me as a child and you should understand that.” He said quietly, shaking his head.

“And really, you should have listened to me in the first place, that I didn’t want to have this conversation because all that’s happened is that you’ve proven you can’t listen to me,” he said as he grabbed the book he’d been reading off the desk. “But you’ve also taken away any doubt that I had. You don’t respect me enough to hear me, what more do I need to know.” Spencer said as he unlocked the door and stepped out through it, shutting Morgan in the office with the dinner that he never planned on accepting.

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derek__morgan
2011-11-24 06:29 am UTC (link)

Derek didn't feel like eating anymore, not with the way Reid had walked out on him. His mind was to those three conversations that they had months ago, trying to recall every word he had said, pretty sure that he'd never said half of the stuff Reid was accusing him of, possibly even more than half, but there was something he did remember.

He walked back to the house, bypassing Reid's room and knocking on Emily's. This was insane, crazy, rush, and everything he'd said he wouldn't do now that he was in charge. It really had never stopped him before, even when Hotch had been there watching him screw up, though.

"Hey, can I come in? I need you a few minutes before advanced training," he said when she opened the door.

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emily_prentiss
2011-11-24 07:22 am UTC (link)

Since Emily wasn't cleared for the advanced training because of her still healing muscles, she'd fallen into a routine of spending time after work reviewing case notes on her own. Sometimes it was easier to piece together clues when she wasn't distracted by others' ideas during their shared brainstorming. The brainstorming was great, but sometimes they got too focused on a single thread and this gave her a chance to pull back and look at other threads.

Of course, this week she was finding this time was also a good time to regroup after spending the day with Derek and trying to keep things the same between them as it had always been before their conversation Saturday night.

She hadn't even had time to change out of her slacks and shirt into something more comfortable before there was a knock at the door. There was still one shoe in her hand when she opened the door to find Derek on the other side. "Yeah, of course." Standing to one side of the door, she gave him enough room to pass and come in. "What do you need?"

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derek__morgan
2011-11-24 07:33 am UTC (link)

Derek stepped inside and turned around, trapping Emily between him and the door. "Here's the thing. I was thinking about what you said the other night, about how easy it is to confuse feelings when it's just trust and familiarity, especially because of the situation we're in, but then I started thinking about another conversation from months ago, not with you," he specified.

"You can't really describe attraction. Sure, we talk about brain stimuli, hormones and butterflies, but there's really not a good description for it, because it's so subjective, so personal, that even us, the best profilers around can't find one description that fits all. You either are or aren't, and if you are, then you know that it's not friendship or trust. In fact, we both know that studies have been conducted proving that a true sense of family discourages attraction." He hadn't thought about what he was saying, and he was probably confusing the hell out of Emily, but he seemed to do that a lot lately. He decided that it was time to stop talking.

Derek took a step forward, and if he was going to do it, he was jumping right into this, no matter how crazy it was. He put a hand on her waist and pressed his lips against her in what was only the beginning of a kiss. With each passing moment, he moved further, until she was pressed against the door as his tongue pushed inside her mouth, gently, but not tentative, letting himself feel her, her body against his, pulling when breathing became a necessity. "I needed to do that," he said, breathless.

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emily_prentiss
2011-11-24 07:58 am UTC (link)

The maneuver took Emily by surprise, but not as much as the speech that followed. It was like the other night when she was following, and yet she couldn't follow all the pieces of the conversation. Feelings and family and attraction and it was the same theme that had been twisting them all up for at least the two months since she'd gotten there.

"Der-" Surprising her further, when Derek stopped speaking, it wasn't to let her respond, but to kiss her!

The shoe dropped from her hand and Emily froze for a heartbeat, shocked. Then shock dissolved and her body responded without her input, her lips parting, welcoming his tongue's exploration. Her hands grasped his sleeves and she had a fleeting thought only the presence of the door at her back and his body pressing her against it were keeping her knees from buckling. God, when was the last time she'd been kissed like this?

Opening eyes she hadn't been aware of closing, she stared at him as he pulled back. "Derek? Wha-?" This was not supposed to happen. They'd talked about this. She wasn't ready. And, yet, she couldn't deny it felt good to be held like this by him. "What are we doing?" she finally asked softly.

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derek__morgan
2011-11-24 08:05 am UTC (link)

"I don't know, but I'm tired of acting like someone I'm not with the people I care the most. I talk, I reason and when it's not enough I act without thinking. I'm still me and some days I get it more right than wrong, and some days it's the opposite," he said with a shrug.

"I'm not asking you for anything, Emily, but I needed to know that it wasn't just the need to have a friend close. You're beautiful, smart, sophisticated, lethal, sexy, funny, and any man would be lucky to be with you." He leaned in and kissed her cheek this time. "I'd like to be that man, and we can wait as long as you need or it might never happen, it's up to you, but at least I know where we stand."

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emily_prentiss
2011-11-24 06:52 pm UTC (link)

Emily laughed softly despite her mixed reactions. "Now, that's the Derek Morgan I know and missed."

Taking a deep breath, she stared at him for a long moment. This was insane. After they'd been friends and colleagues for so long, that this happened now. But, there'd always been an undercurrent of something there, even if never acknowledged. Sighing, she reached up to trace her fingertips down his cheek, along his jaw. "Give me some time, Derek. It's been a hell of a year in both dimensions. I need to get my feet under me, stand steadily, before I can be any good to someone else. I don't want to hurt you and I will if I don't take a step back and breathe."

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derek__morgan
2011-11-24 08:18 pm UTC (link)

Derek smirked. "I didn't want to get spoiled with a nicer version. Then you won't know what to do with the original one."

He turned his head and kissed her fingers. "You have all the time you want. I didn't come here with any expectations. I needed to know that this was for real. That's all. Now, my only plan is to go to advance training and work out some of the irritation I feel, and not with you. I'll see you later."

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emily_prentiss
2011-11-24 10:05 pm UTC (link)

"The nicer one's a little over-rated, anyway," she teased.

Emily wasn't sure which made her head spin more, the kiss or the fact he was now sure it was real. When there was a chance he was overcompensating for the last year, it was different. But, now... "Thank you." What else could she say? This wasn't the time or the place and another talk wasn't going to change the way either of them felt right then. Twisting free of him carefully, she opened the door. "Go pound something or someone and prove Garcia's nicknames deserved," she teased. "See you later."

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