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dr_s_reid ([info]dr_s_reid) wrote in [info]omega_reality,
@ 2011-08-10 19:12:00

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Entry tags:*complete, 2011 08, character: derek morgan, dead: spencer reid

Who: Spencer Reid and Derek Morgan.
Where: Morgan's room.
When: August 9th, late night.
Summary: Talk about sex, drugs and a real lack of rock and roll.


Today was only really his second day, but it felt like so much longer than that. So much had happened he really hadn't had a chance to debrief in his own head, finally he'd had a little time to just sit and read, consider his options. It was the only time he'd been by himself since he'd got here and it felt good not to have to talk or listen, even just for twenty minutes. When he worked he wore shirts and suites, when he was home alone or in bed he usually wore t-shirts and pajama bottoms, but both of those didn't really seem like an option anymore. Sure he had the pajama bottoms but he'd had to choose a jumper that covered his arms. Now that he was alone though he had the sleeves pushed up as he stared absently into space, just letting his mind tick over.

Glancing at the collection of papers he had on the bed beside him he pulled out the file he'd buried under everything else and opened it, laying it across his lap. It was almost unbelievable to read about a person, a person who was in all respects him, but whose life was just so different. He read over it again, even though he knew it backwards and forwards by now, like suddenly he'd see it in a different light. Spencer Reid wasn't him, this Spencer Reid didn't even have the same name as him, he was Spencer Reid-Cole and he was married. But not to a girl that he would have assumed might resemble JJ if he was lucky, but to someone named Tim. A lawyer. A man. Timothy Reid-Cole.

Closing his eyes he leaned back against the pillows on his designated 'side' of the bed, placing his hand over his face. In this world his mother had been dead a long time, his father had raised him and for some reason he'd chosen a different path. A path that had made him into the sort of person who could fall in love, who could be loved. Who, presumably, had sex and that made him ask himself a great many questions about himself. He wished he could meet him, this Tim person, talk to him and try to understand. But that wasn't going to happen and he understood the reasons why, but that didn't stop him wondering.


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[info]derek__morgan
2011-08-10 06:18 pm UTC (link)
Derek knew that not having one was pleased with Reid's integration in the team and certification, but hopefully Reid's qualifications and sheer genius would do more than any explanations he could give. Until then, he worked with the team, continued to turn a mix and match of people into a real team.

When he was finally done with his work, he went back to his room and smiled when he found Reid sitting there with papers all around him and a folder in his hand.

"Hey, there." He started to take his clothes off and as he had told Reid, he didn't throw clothes around, but instead everything had its place. He went into the bathroom and came out later wearing only a pair of loose shorts. He sat on the bed, on leg bent as he stared at Reid. "What are you reading?" It had to be important if Reid had it in front of him for this long.

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[info]dr_s_reid
2011-08-10 09:03 pm UTC (link)
The sound of the door made him open his eyes and sit forward a bit, smiling as Morgan appeared. Pulling his sleeves down over his arms he gave a little wave. He'd had a shower earlier it made the morning easier if only one person needed to have one and he ran his fingers through his still damp hair. As much as he'd been nervous about having a roommate, he really did kind of like it.

Looking down at the folder his brow creased and he gave a little shrug. "Not so much reading, I've already got it memorized," he said with a little smile, another Spencer Reid attempt at humor.

"It's the file Hetty gave me. About Spencer from here," he confessed, closing it and letting it rest against his knees. "Was the you from here different? So different it didn't feel like it could be you?" Spencer asked.

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[info]derek__morgan
2011-08-10 09:15 pm UTC (link)
Derek chuckled. "I already knew that, that's why I didn't ask what were you learning." He stopped and frowned. "Do you learn anything? Is that even possible when you know everything already?" he joked.

He looked down at file and sighed. "Oh hell, yeah. Dad is still alive, I never joined the Chicago PD or the BAU, became a famous football player, now a commentator for a sport station, do some acting, modeling, endorsement gigs. A wife, children, divorced. Lots of lovers. A bank account that could probably finance this agency. So yes, very different and I can't imagine my life without our job."

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[info]dr_s_reid
2011-08-10 09:49 pm UTC (link)
Rolling his eyes he shuffled together the papers he'd been looking at so they weren't so spread out across the bed. "I don't know everything," he scoffed, giving a little laugh. "I don't know what a mango tastes like," Reid put forward, grinning at Morgan.

It made him feel better to hear that the Morgan from here was so different, that maybe they weren't the same people, just different versions. "Yeah, I never joined the BAU either," Spencer said, glancing down at the closed folder again. "I guess I just expected to read about someone I'd recognize, not someone who would confuse me so much," he shrugged.

Looking over at Morgan he placed the folder between them on the bed. "Have you read it yet?" Reid asked, slowly flicking his NA chip back and forth across his knuckles.

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[info]derek__morgan
2011-08-10 09:56 pm UTC (link)
Derek knew that this was an argument that they would never end and neither one would win, although Derek was also aware that Reid didn't know everything. It was still fun to say it. "Very sweet, juicy, almost sensual when they are ripe. You should try them."

He shrugged. "Different choices, different outcomes. Maybe if I hadn't been injured so badly, I'd be playing in the NFL. Who knows." He knew that Reid would be better off if he got whatever was bothering him off his chest so he didn't feel bad asking. "What's confusing you?"

Derek shook his head. "That's for you and Hetty. If I need to know, then she'll let me know, but I can't really see a reason why. Do you want to tell me about it?"

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[info]dr_s_reid
2011-08-10 10:06 pm UTC (link)
"Well I know what it takes like in theory, Morgan," he said, rolling his eyes again. "But I've never actually eaten one, they look messy."

It was hard to imagine Morgan as a rich, charming football player. A charming BAU agent, of course. But he just found it hard to believe that Morgan could like a satisfying life without helping people. It was hard to believe the Spencer from here could either. He let Morgan's question sit for a moment as he stood up, putting books and things in their place on the desk, just leaving the folder with his other life in it.

Once he was finished he returned to the be, mirroring Morgan's position and looking across at him. "I'm married. I live right here in New York. I have two dogs. A fancy job at a fancy company and a salary that is ridiculous," he paused, gripping his chip tight in his hand. "And a husband named Timothy Reid-Cole."

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[info]derek__morgan
2011-08-10 10:46 pm UTC (link)
"Well, since you know in theory, we'll just have to buy one and I can peel it for you. You can use a fork and knife to eat it. It's that simple," he said, smiling.

Derek sat, back against the headboard and watched Red. He could see the precise way everything was put away, and he knew that it was calming for Reid and gave him a chance to think. Derek didn't press, happy to give him time.

The words arrived with time, and he listened without interrupting. "So you're married, decided to use your mind to make money and have a husband. It's different, but it's not that crazy." He stopped for a moment. "Are you upset because this Reid is gay or because you think you might be?" It would explain why Reid had never asked a woman out, other for JJ, but Derek had always seen JJ like a mother to Reid or a big sister. He'd never seen the chemistry that Gideon had seen. Then again the man had just come back from a major depressive episode.

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[info]dr_s_reid
2011-08-10 11:13 pm UTC (link)
“I’m open to new experiences, I’ll put it on the list,” Spencer said with a smile.

It was a heavy question and Reid moved, crossing his legs so he was facing Morgan on the big bed. It was surreal, still, to know that he was here and that the other Spencer was in his world. He wondered how he was feeling, being separated from someone who was clearly so important to him and again Reid was almost glad he didn’t have anyone like that at home.

“I’m not upset,” he started slowly, his brow creasing before he rubbed it away with his palm. “More curious. I suppose it makes me wonder if sexuality is nurture not nature, maybe this Spencer is gay and I’m just… Nothing,” he was thinking out loud, but he knew that this was the safest place in the world for that. “I don’t know,” Reid admitted after a moment. “It’s hard to translate my feelings when I feel like they’re so different from the way everyone else feels. I don’t know what attraction really feels like and I’ve certainly never had any experience with sex, or sexual acts, with either gender.”

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[info]derek__morgan
2011-08-10 11:54 pm UTC (link)
"Would that be the shopping list?" he answered. This going back and forth was so familiar that for a moment it almost felt like a case and they were in a hotel room, but then Reid turned around and looked at hims with that pensive look he got when he was trying to work something out.

"At least you know that you aren't upset," he said, "not that you should be. Sexuality is fluid, we know that, and society does affect what we do. They seem more open here, but there are still areas where it doesn't seem to be allowed. There isn't any gay football player, here or back home, even though it's statistically impossible, and yet, no one has every come out."

He looked at Reid. "The fact that there is no evidence that someone is gay doesn't mean that there are no gay players. Just like the fact that you aren't sure what you are feeling doesn't meant that you are 'nothing'. You just need to learn to decipher what you feel. Remember the first time you killed someone. You felt nothing, but later, you learned to process it. You have to do the same with this, and don't focus on sex, but focus on people. Did you ever have an erection? Where you thinking of a man or a woman? I know you liked JJ, but thinking of her cause any physical reactions? What about men you know? I think if you ask yourself the right questions, you have the answer."

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[info]dr_s_reid
2011-08-11 12:37 am UTC (link)

“No, the life list,” Reid replied with a grin. It was moments like this that he was just so, so glad to be reunited with his friend. Morgan was the only person he’d ever had such an easy dialogue with, talking and laughing hadn’t been a part of his life before the BAU and feeling understood had never happened before Derek Morgan.

“It’s nothing to be upset over, sexuality has very little to do with who someone is as a person,” he said, with a shrug. There were people here of all preference and he didn’t see anyone as lesser because of who they preferred to share a bed with, it wasn’t his business. “Coming out is traumatic, from what I understand, I can imagine some people see it as easier just to keep it to themselves.”

Reid looked down at the chip still in his hand, flicking it across his knuckles and making it ‘disappear’ before he reached out and made it ‘reappear’ from behind Morgan’s ear. “I did feel nothing, it wasn’t until I had so much trouble sleeping I realized how much it had affected me, I don’t know myself as well as I’d like,” he admitted, settling his elbow on his leg and his chin in his hand. “I have, but it’s always been because of a feeling, more than an actual person. I suppose my ‘fantasies’, if you could even call them that are both faceless and genderless and involve feeling a certain way. Like relaxed and comfortable, you know?” He paused to make sure Morgan was following what he was saying. “I love JJ. She’s beautiful and lovely and when I’m with her and Henry I feel happy. I feel content and totally myself. But I don’t want to hold her, I feel no resentment towards William and seeing them together, that makes me happy, too. I don’t have any urge to be close to her and I never have.”

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[info]derek__morgan
2011-08-11 01:08 am UTC (link)
"I think the grocery list will be easier to go through," he answered back, wondering how long they could go like this, and also making sure that he'd buy some damn mangos so Reid could taste what they are like.

"I know that, but you are a profiler and you understand social pressure. In football, there are rules and prejudices. Gay men are seen as weak and less able. It would also have an impact on salaries and endorsements," he said. "The practical consequences promote an environment where men know better than to come out, yes, which might be the case with my counterpart. I've had male lovers, but for someone with that visibility, he must have kept it really secret."

Derek smiled affectionately as Reid played with the chip. "No, you must have felt something, but didn't know how to process it or you wouldn't have noticed later. Not feeling and not knowing that you feel something are very different things," he pointed out. "All right, so you're not interested in JJ, which is good, because that would be weird. When you get this feeling, is it associate with a gender, or with a person? When you masturbate, what do you think about? That might give you an indication."

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[info]dr_s_reid
2011-08-11 01:32 am UTC (link)
“The grocery list is only one item long, so that’s probably a good starting point,” he said. New foods had been strange, new sensations, even from food were another thing he often avoided.

“There are all kinds of social pressure; I think that people often see these things as bigger than they are. Which is understandable, everything in your head is always bigger and more serious to you than it is to anyone else. But I understand the closeted nature of sports and military. Showing weakness, even just something that might be perceived as weakness by others is difficult. People avoid difficult things, I understand that.” It was interesting to hear Morgan talk about male lovers, he seemed so female orientated, but the stigma attached, especially for Derek must have been hard to deal with.

“Yes, at the time I was numb and when I allowed myself to work through the feelings I found I felt a great deal, guilt and regret, the usual things associated with such an act,” he agreed, inclining his head towards Morgan. Spencer laughed softly and nodded, it would be strange to be harboring secret feelings for the mother of his godson. “It’s complicated. I’m so sensitive that even thinking about touch can be unappealing, even in a fantasy. Like I said it’s more about feeling a certain way, feeling close and safe and relaxed. I more just think about the action itself, myself, is that strange? Maybe that’s incredibly arrogant of me.”

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[info]derek__morgan
2011-08-11 01:43 am UTC (link)
"I'm sure Kensi has already put plenty on the grocery list. No one here is a great cook," he said, grinning.

"I don't know if social pressures are less serious than we think. Some are pretty strong. Losing your job, a dishonorable discharge means losing more than a career. Coming out in a police department means that the next time you are in trouble, people will be slower to come to your aid and you might end up dead. It's happened," he said.

This was turning out to be a strange conversation not because of the subject matter. There was very little that they wouldn't discuss. No, it was strange because Reid was so able to understand people's behavior and inner thoughts and yet, he couldn't figure out such basic trait about himself. "You really don't know if you like men or women, do you? And no, I don't think it's arrogant. If anything, I think it's fear. When something makes us ashamed or scare us, we tend to render that person faceless. Maybe you don't want to know and that leaves you with the one person with whom you are comfortable: yourself."

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[info]dr_s_reid
2011-08-11 02:03 am UTC (link)

“I can make toast,” he said with a laugh, he wasn’t going to be much help in the food department. “I’m good at baking though, with a good recipe.”

It was hard to imagine why people could be so closed minded; then again he should have been used to people doing horrible things. But people still did manage to surprise him, he assumed they always would. “I was talking more in regards to myself, when I think about if I was gay, how my natural response would be to keep it a secret, keep it to myself to protect myself. But in reality it would probably affect my life very little, yet I build it up in my head into being a huge mountain. I suppose it’s different for everyone, depending on the person, the family, the social circle and the profession, it would all impact on the coming out experience and the repercussions.”

Spencer looked lost, because he felt that way and the more they talked the more confused he felt. Morgan was smart, he was a good person to bounce off because he felt like everything he missed, Derek caught, it was why they were such a great working pair. “I really don’t know. Asexuality doesn’t fit for me either, due to the fact I do become aroused, feel what I can only qualify as lust,” he frowned, rubbing his forehead again. “What’s it like?” Reid asked, like he was simply asking someone about the most casual thing there was, instead of wanting his friend to describe sex to him.

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[info]derek__morgan
2011-08-11 02:22 am UTC (link)
"Oh good, because I think that's the only thing Kensi can make. You two can be in charge of toasts," he said, laughing. "When did I end up being the best cook? And I'm not that great."

Derek nodded. "I can see that. I think there is a social stigma that brings a lot of people to keep it a secret. Some it's money, some losing a job, even worse losing the love of one's family and friends." He shrugged. "I don't know, it's not been an issue for me in a while. One night stands with women are a lot easier and less complicated and with our job, I don't do relationships, not really."

Well that narrowed it down. Not. "Okay so you're not asexual, which means you feel something, but you still can't identify it. It's a starting point, Reid." He looked at his friend, slightly confused by the vague question. "What's what like? Being attracted by someone? I-" Derek tried to find a way to explain it that would make sense to Reid. "You know when you read a really good book or a new radical theory, and you feel alive, the endorphins are traveling through your system, your heartbeat speeds up, that's pretty much what it's like, except instead of words, it's a person that does that to you."

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[info]dr_s_reid
2011-08-11 02:49 am UTC (link)
“I can also help with birthday cakes, so I’m not totally without purpose,” he said, grinning across at him. When your workmates felt like family, there was always a birthday on the horizon and they always celebrated together, it only felt right to assume it would be the same way here. “Clearly you have taken on the parental roll.”

Straightening up a little he fiddled with the hem of the jumper he’d borrowed from Derek without any intention of returning. “What we do makes a real relationship hard, even just friendships; we try to be everything for each other, parent, sibling, significant other. Maybe that’s why I’ve never really felt I was missing anything enough to actively seek it out,” Reid said, thinking out loud again. “Is it just stress relief for you? A one night stand? Or does it fulfill other needs?”

For Reid knowing that he was at least not without interest was a pretty decent starting point. It at least didn’t make him feel like searching for answers was just going to leave him with nothing, which was where he’d started in the first place. Hearing Morgan describe attraction, as much as he knew about it from what he read made his heart speed up, just a little bit. It was confusing, again, mainly because he seemed to be describing exactly how Spencer had felt seeing Morgan again. He pursed his lips, looking across at Morgan like all of a sudden he puzzled him, which he did. Reid had always assumed that the reason he was so drawn to the other man was the unexplainable way in which Derek just understood him and the way that made him feel safe and normal. But now there was so much more to consider.

He felt awkward, all of a sudden, the feeling spreading through his chest and up through his throat and he looked away.

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[info]derek__morgan
2011-08-11 03:01 am UTC (link)
"That's actually an amazing skill to have, which unfortunately will bring you into contact with Savannah, who's a lovely woman, except very... enthusiastic about everything. She put herself in charge of celebrations. "Clearly I have, and I need to stop it." He was not a father. He liked sex more than kids, not that it was happening right now.

Derek hadn't considered it, but Reid was right. "We do, don't we? Hotch tried so hard, but in the end, there was no way to reconcile the BAU and his marriage, and he tried." He never heard sex described quite that way. "It's not that, not always, although in some cases it is. You get an release that is much stronger than when you masturbate, but there is also the foreplay, the teasing, the conquest, getting that right woman to want you."

He could see the wheels turning again inside Reid's head and then something must have occurred to him, because the reaction was too strong. "Whatever it is, Reid, there's nothing to be ashamed of or be embarrassed about," he said kindly. "You're starting to figure things out, aren't you? That's okay, you don't have to tell me until you're comfortable with it and when you are, we can talk."

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[info]dr_s_reid
2011-08-11 03:36 am UTC (link)
"I don't mind enthusiastic, I'm almost jealous of it, that must positivity must lead to a wonderful life," Reid said. "Like I said, you'll never be fatherly to me."

It was a very close group, too close, everyone's attitude towards them had proved that. But he didn't think anyone here had to put themselves through what they did, getting inside the head of someone so sick and so twisted was enough to send most people running. They stood strong for each other and made sure to be what the other person needed, because that's what they were, a team. "We do. Maybe without the BAU I'd be married, with a husband and two dogs," Reid said with a little smile. "It sounds complicated," Spencer admitted, running his fingers through his hair. "I don't think I could ever be intimate with someone I wasn't close to."

Breathing slowly through his nose he nodded, glancing back at Morgan, brow creasing again. He supposed that he was attractive, Spencer liked his eyes and his shoulders and that spot between his collar bones where there was a dip. Then he realized he was staring and looked away again. "I'm not embarrassed, I feel comfortable with you," he shrugged, forcing himself to look back. "So possible attraction, albeit one sided, is not going to come as a huge surprise to you."

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[info]derek__morgan
2011-08-11 03:57 am UTC (link)
"Positive outcome only," he said, shaking his head. "It's Savannah's motto, which might seem strange considering how depressed she was at the start, but it's what allowed her to bounce back so well."

Derek laughed. "I guess you might have been, but instead you're stuck with me and Garcia at the moment." He still wanted to go home, but it was easier thinking that he wasn't alone. "Some people are like that, some people can do both, and some people aren't interested in the intimacy. You know it takes all kinds."

He should be used to Reid's honesty, not that they weren't honest with each other, but they had some barrier - very few, but they were there, and Reid had just bulldozed the last one, or at least he felt like that. "You feel comfortable and you think that you might be attracted to me," he recapped as if this was a case, and he really wanted to continue the discussion and to be analytically impartial, but it wasn't that easy when it followed that admission. "Do you feel a possible attraction to other members of the BAU?"

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[info]dr_s_reid
2011-08-11 04:26 am UTC (link)
“She seems like such a sweet girl, its shame any of us are here, but her especially.”

Spencer grinned, nodding his head slowly, “there are worse places I could be stuck.” The idea of going home was forward in his mind, he missed the ease of it. But he knew that without Morgan and Garcia this would be much harder for him than it currently was. “I assumed everyone was different. I’m just,” he paused, looking for the right word. “Sensitive.” He finished, because it seemed the most fitting word.

He wasn’t good at keeping things from his team, he really wasn’t good at keeping things from Morgan. Even things he felt like he’d rather take to his grave than share he always ended up telling the other man. “Of course I feel comfortable with you,” he said, gesturing between them. “Do you think I would be capable of this with anyone else? The attraction thing is still new to me though, but possibly, yes.” Something in him was telling him to shut up, shut up and walk out, because that’s what was probably normal. But they needed to talk about this. He thought about Morgan’s question for a moment before he shook his head. “No, but I’m also not as close to them as I am to you.”

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[info]derek__morgan
2011-08-11 04:39 am UTC (link)
"She is. I don't think anyone dislikes her. I don't think anyone could," he said.

Spencer reached out and ruffled Reid's hair for the briefest moment. "I think I liked it better when it was long," he said, grinning. "I don't know about worse places, but the company is pretty good." He raised an eyebrow. "Sensitive? How so? Are we talking in terms of physical senses now?" He knew that Reid hated to be touched, couldn't have a watch in contact with his skin, but Derek wondered if there was a psychological component to which he was referring.

"And I feel comfortable with you, but there is a vast difference between comfortable and a sexual attraction," he pointed out. "Just because you are close to us, it also doesn't mean that you are attracted. It might be just that you feel those feelings of safety that you were discussing before. I'm not saying that you're wrong, just that maybe you need some time to figure things out. We went from nothing to a possible attraction in very little time."

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[info]dr_s_reid
2011-08-11 04:55 am UTC (link)
Reid smiled when Morgan touched his hair; it was little moments like that which were confusing, but nice. He wished they happened more frequently, but he never knew how to initiate. “Really? JJ said that it makes me look older, more professional and that it would help people take me more seriously,” he said, running his hand through his hair again. “I love the company.” Running his hands up and down his thighs, because his palms were a little sweaty he tried to think of the best way to explain it. “Okay, you know when there is a tiny prickle or something in your clothes? That you can’t find? Just feeling that for a few minutes makes me want to cry, because it’s not just a little annoyance, it’s like I can feel it right down to my bones. It’s the same when someone touches me and when it’s someone I don’t know or someone who makes me uncomfortable it’s just, distressing.”

He nodded, he understood what Morgan was saying and he didn’t want to be wrong. “I need to really think, try to be more aware of myself. I think,” he paused, looking down again. This was hard to talk about, harder than anything else. “I think that’s why I liked being high, why it got such a hold over me, it helped me understand myself better, I felt more connected to what I was thinking and feeling,” he admitted, rubbing almost unconsciously at his inner arm.

Clearing his throat he glanced back up at Morgan, considering him for a moment. “It’s not just safety though. It has a lot to do with the fact that you’re the only person that I’ve met that doesn’t make me feel broken and for someone who’s always felt like an outsider, that just… Wasn’t built right, it’s nice to connect with someone who understands you.”

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[info]derek__morgan
2011-08-11 05:15 am UTC (link)
"I didn't say she's wrong, but I'm not most people and your hair doesn't affect how seriously I take you," he noted. "I still liked it longer," he said, with a shrug.

They kept changing subjects, and Derek wasn't as quick as Reid, but he tried to follow. "Okay. It's- confusing. We're all over the place with this discussion and I'm trying to follow. This feeling, it's physical with things, like with the watch, right? But when people touch you, you get the same reaction, is that it? What about when someone you know touches you? Like right now, with me touching your hair? Does that bother you? And if it does, why haven't you said anything before."

Derek nodded and smiled. "Yes, you do, but you don't need the drugs for that. They make you stop thinking rationally but the knowledge you gain is temporary. This way introspection might be harder, but the results are long lasting."

He smiled. "You're not broken, Reid. You're a genius. You're so far above everyone else. You aren't the one who needs fixing. It's the rest of us who aren't as bright as you are."

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[info]dr_s_reid
2011-08-11 08:25 am UTC (link)
“Hair grows, you know,” he teased, looking over at Morgan with a grin.

It was really hard to explain and that’s why he’d never tried to before. “Sorry,” Reid said, knowing he should probably slow down a little, stick to one subject. “Like with the watch,” he agreed, looking over at where he’d abandoned it on the nightstand. “When you wear a watch, it’s just there, right? Well for me it’s almost painful in its intensity and I can’t think straight, I can’t think about anything but the watch. It’s the same with touch, it’s not so bad with hands, I’m used to shaking hands with people I don’t know. But it's just, so intimate, being touched, more so than I think it should be.” He paused to consider Morgan’s question but just shrugged. “Because it’s different with you, it’s still intense, but, it's you and I like it," he said simply.

Reid nodded again, picking at his sleeve. "I know I don't, it's just an escape, it's weak and I don't want to be that person but not going back to it is the hardest thing I've ever done."

Smiling back he let the words be a compliment, the way that he knew they were intended. "There is nothing about you that needs to be fixed and you know it," he said softly, affectionately.

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[info]derek__morgan
2011-08-11 07:25 pm UTC (link)
"Indeed it does," he said, rubbing his head. "It must be why I keep cutting mine."

He shook his head. "It's fine. I'm the one asking the questions. I'm just not as fast as you are." Derek processed what Reid was explaining, at least until they got to the end, and again there was that qualification about him touching Reid. "Does that apply when Garcia touches you? Or someone else from the BAU? Or is it just me?" Now, he knew that he wasn't being fair. To Reid, this was an objective discussion, and it had started that way for Derek as well, but now he needed to know just how many exception were there because 'it's you and I like it'.

Derek dipped his head enough that he could look at Reid in the eyes. "Hey, it's okay. I'm here, and I'll help you." And then he smiled brightly at Read. "You're biased. I'm sure there is plenty that needs fixing, but thank you."

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[info]dr_s_reid
2011-08-11 09:31 pm UTC (link)
"It suits you, short like that," Spencer decided after a pause.

He'd just never really given any of this much thought, he usually just told himself this was how he was and left it at that. But Morgan wanted to talk and he assumed it was for the best, so he was answering as best as he could. "I don't mind when Garcia or JJ hug me, or put a hand on my shoulder, but I wouldn't like it if they touched my hair, or if I had to sleep beside them," he said after thinking about his answer for a moment. "Is that wrong?"

Morgan's eyes were kind and calming and Spencer nodded slowly. "I think about it every single day and I've given in once, I'm just worried I'll do it again," he said, smiling weakly back at the other man. "I'm biased," he admitted, his smile getting a little bit wider. "I actually can't think of anything."

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[info]derek__morgan
2011-08-11 10:08 pm UTC (link)
"Thanks." And maybe he should stop smiling at all the compliments, but then with Reid, he was never sure when it was a compliment or a simple observation.

Is that wrong? How Reid felt wasn't, but the fact that he was still pushing when they had moved from a general discussion about sexuality to what Reid felt about him without even knowing it was certainly wrong. He cleared his throat and then shook his head. "No, how you feel is never wrong, but maybe that should tell you something about your sexuality."

He reached out, careful to touch Reid's sleeve and not him, and squeezed gently before letting go. "I don't think we should discuss this any more, and not because it's wrong, but because ... we're talking about me, and you should figure out what you feel about me without me putting myself in the middle, consciously or unconsciously interfere with your discovery. If we were home, I'd say talk to Gibbs, but maybe Garcia, and if in the future you want to talk about it again, then good, but figure things out first. What do you say we get some sleep?"

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[info]dr_s_reid
2011-08-11 10:18 pm UTC (link)
It was hard to consider that the way he felt about Morgan might be the key to his sexuality. Because it didn't feel like a way he felt about men, simply a way he felt about Derek. Although he was probably as close with JJ as he was with Morgan and being touched by her wasn't something he actively enjoyed like he did when it was the other man.

Looking down at Morgan's hand grabbing at the material of his jumper made him feel that horrible feeling through his chest and his throat again. The gesture was off. It wasn't something he usually expected from Morgan and it just felt wrong. "I've said too much," he said quietly after a moment, it wasn't a question, just an observation. There had never been anything between them they couldn't talk about and now he'd gone and said the one thing he shouldn't have.

He felt wrong and he thought about saying that, but he was going to have to stop talking and right now seemed the time for it. Reid nodded slowly, getting up and slowly turning back the covers.

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[info]derek__morgan
2011-08-11 10:38 pm UTC (link)
Derek shook his head. "No, you haven't. I asked too much. I thought I was doing the right thing, but if you do have feelings for me, then it's wrong that I ask questions about it. I'm the one who's wrong."

He got under the covers, but he kept his eyes on Reid. "I'm not perfect, Reid. I make mistakes, and I'm sorry that I pushed this much, but I'm always going to be here for you."

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[info]dr_s_reid
2011-08-11 11:04 pm UTC (link)
Spencer had really felt like he was making progress, like he was on the verge of a great personal discovery. But it had suddenly changed and his heart and his stomach felt like they were sinking. He felt flustered and he was confused and hurt and he really didn’t know why.

He hesitated beside the bed for a second, feeling genuinely uncomfortable about sleeping there for the first time since he’d arrived. Reaching across he flicked off the light and the darkness provided some cover and privacy for him to feel in peace. Tugging off the jumper he knew he’d be awake first and able to get dressed and hide his arms away before Morgan was awake. He paused again before he got into the large bed beside Derek. His stomach felt like it was full of ice and lead and he felt like he was actually going to cry, half out of misery and half out of confusion so overwhelming he didn’t know what to do with it.

This was the worst conversation he’d ever had and suddenly he wished they weren’t open, that they weren’t close and that they didn’t think that they could talk honestly about everything.

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