InsaneJournal

Oh... COME ON!
Who: Ash and Giselle
What: The King Arrives, Baby
When: Around noon
Where: The front entry way of the resort
Rating: R, for language at least
Status: Complete

His blue eyes blazing like fire, stunning raven locks tossed back brusquely to the side, firm muscles straining at the edges of his tunic, the greatest hero that mankind would ever know stared at the carnage that a night of battle had wrought. Along side the evil Deadites, the innocent bodies of men and women lay crumpled, their bodies soon to be buried in a christian fashion. Meanwhile the Deadites were gathered up to be burned in a fiery pire to make sure that they never rose again. The battle had been fierce, but one man had risen from the crowd to lead them, the way that a true king should. There had been a price for it, but in the end this man had lead them all to triumph and glory the likes of which most of them would never know again in their lifetime. His cloak flowing in the wind, Ash had just one thing to say as he thought about the sacrifice that had been made...

"God damn I kick ass."

Sure, depending on how you looked at it, one could have possibly argued, if they wanted to be a real prick that what had happened was somehow Ash's fault. Yeah, he'd been with a group that had accidentally played some tape read by some professor god only knew how long ago about a book of the dead which sort of unleashed evil into the world. Yeah. But was that really his fault? No! He'd done everything he could to fight the dead, even when it had meant doing things... unspeakable horrible things that had transformed him into the man he was today. Hell, he'd even given his right hand for justice.

Sure, he'd accidentally gotten sucked back in time, afterwards, and come here. And yeah, they'd sent him on some rescue mission to retrieve it, given him some stupid silly words about 'Klatu' this and 'Verata' that. And yeah, depending on how you looked at it, well, he'd not exactly remembered the words. But hell, he'd had to fight off demons, AND a doppleganger of himself while he was on his way. You couldn't expect someone to have a perfect memory, especially after you'd gotten a concussion from trying to fight off the little buggers...

So, he'd kind of sort of unleashed true evil upon the world, the sort of evil that he'd been on the mission to avert. But in the end, when those little sissies had gone crying and talking about fleeing, he'd been the only one of them to show that he had a pair, that he wasn't going to run home screamin to mama. And dammit, he'd kicked some serious ass. He'd caused the Deadites to run like little babies... that could... y'know... run and stuff.

When it was all over, he could see the joy in their eyes, the admiration, and he knew that when it came down to it, they all wished that he was their king instead of that stuck up guy with the beard, who couldn't even drink a few pints without getting drunk off his ass. Yeah. He was a man from the future, he had so much to teach, so much that he could pass on to future generations. He could tell by the way they looked at him, that they wanted to elect him their king... or... however it was that they tossed out the crappier old king for the far superior new king from the future... with guns. Yeah.

They didn't ever... come right OUT and ask him, per se, but Ash was sure that'd be because they were a bit embarassed to do that to old Arty, and they knew he wouldn't stay with them. Sure, he might have been able to take it easy, nail a few medieval broads while he was here. Make sure that the seed of Ash lived on. Hell, he probably could have created his own dynasty... but... there was something to be said for the future... like... television.. running water... porn. The internet. Important things that these people could never really understand...

So even in the wake of his finest victory, Ash was already prepared to leave. He could see the hurt in the eyes of.... uhm... dammit, what was her name? Shelly? Susan? Samantha? Sherry. Oh hell, that was close enough. Sherry looked at him with those big doe eyes of his that said that she was going to start to cry, and bring up the pillow talk again. And jesus, she had a lot of nerve making him feel guilty, when really he'd been the victim in all of this. A stranger in a strange land, lost, nearly killed by deadites, whipped, beaten. And she'd seduced him with the comforts of a warm bed and a nice rack. If anyone should be getting all teary eyed, it should be him, except... that was kind of a sissy thing to do.

He said his goodbyes to her, gave her a kiss, and then approached the old man, who told him the way to get home. All he had to do was go, drink a few drops of the potion, say the magic words and he'd be back in his own time. Yeah. So why did the old man give him such a hard time about the words... again? Sure, he'd messed them up, slightly, the first time. But this time, he knew them like the back of his hand. Only a real idiot would get them wrong again.

"Are you SURE?" the geezer said, practically falling apart from old age as he whined and harped at Ash.

"Alright, alright, I got it... Jesus." Ash growled back, and snatched up the potion in his hands, taking off before the old man could chew his ear off again about magic and the consequences of a single missed syllable. Niktu, Niktu.. he'd never forget the friggin N word. Well.. not THAT N word, but Niktu, the ... oh never mind. He wasn't going to forget the end of the magic phrase like he had last time.

And as he got to the edge of the land, he held up the magical potion in his hands, and spoke the words. "klaatu..."

"... Klaatu...." Ash paused and looked around. Oh... come ON! He knew the words, he knew them as well as anything when he'd left. All he had to do was calm down, yeah, calming down would help. If he just took a slow breath, calmed down, spoke the words... it'd all be fine. But that middle word... what was it again? Barista? Barbell? Bimbo?

"Klaatu... something... Nikto..." Ash repeated, turning around and looking at the Kingdom. He could ride back... go talk to the old man again. But then the old man would start whining about how it was a single simple magical phrase, and go on and on about how when he was a young mage he'd have memorized a novel by now and holy hell if Ash wanted to go through that again. And then Shelly would start staring at him with those eyes and be all like 'you're leaving me, and I might be with child!'

He was going to do it. Just... say the words. "Klaatu... barracuda.... nitko..." He said, sounding somewhat less than one hundred percent sure of the words himself. But, there was no thunder... no lightning... no summoning of the undead... Ash made sure to wait a few minutes this time to be completely certain that there would be no deadites popping up. And then, he drank down the potion...

And arrived in the middle of a desert. No... NO!

"OH COME ON!" Ash screamed to the heavens. "I said the words!... more or less... I got them right this time!... right? COME ON!" But the empty heavens of the planet didn't answer back. Ash didn't know it, but he was rather lucky that he hadn't been caught in the middle of a hurricane raging, though had it been mentioned to him he would have snapped back that a hurricane would have at least been shady.

As it was, the weary time traveler picked a direction, and started to walk... and walk... slowly the morning sun began to rise, and Ash began to sweat. It was fine at first, a little bit of burn to keep him in shape... but then the burn became sunburn, and the hours wore on, and for some reason he had the distinctive sensation that he was still in that chain gang with Erik the Red or whoever he was.

After days of wandering... or a few hours, depending on your perspective, Ash's eyes laid upon the outline of a building. True, but this time his face was sandy from when he'd thought he'd spotted water and tried to drink the sand... and even more sandy from when he'd thought he'd caught a supermodel sun bathing and had tried to leap on her after stripping off his tunic... and then there was the budweiser fountain incident...

But, never one to be daunted, Ash began to run to the building, laughing as he went, nearly dropping his chainsaw and sawed off shotgun that were strapped to his back in glee, as he came up to the building. "It's... real... IT'S REAAAAAL!" He screamed with delight, and then promptly fell to his knees from exhaustion, as the world started to spin... No, he'd come so close, so close to surviving. He couldn't go out like this, not when he was so damned close!

With all his energy, Ash managed to open the door and pull himself in, across the carpet, one hand after another as he cried out to anyone who would listen in a whimper... "Beer.... need.... beer..."