InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Crazy? I was once crazy."

Dean Winchester (hellsboy) wrote in mirage_rpg,
@ 2009-02-25 11:48:00

Entry tags:

complete, day 33, dean winchester, niki sanders

Who: Dean Winchester & Jessica/Niki Sanders
Where: C110, Dean's room
When: Day 33, early evening?
What: Roving scotch and brick fire pizza
Status: Complete
Rating: R (language)

It hadn't taken Dean long to reach his room and get ready. The tux was on the bed closest to the door as soon as he entered the room. A bow tie and diamond cuff-links. He glanced at himself in the mirror above the bathroom sink and flashed himself a toothy smile.

"You're one fine man, Mr. Winchester," he said and laughed at himself.

A quick trip around the room was in order though before anyone saw this place. He picked up various personal items and garbage strewn. He hid the glass of quarters in the drawer of the nightstand between the two Massage Hands beds and wished the quarter tanks away - for now. That was much better. Still looked like a cheap motel room but that was what he was used to and it worked just fine. Especially if you were leaving to go for pizza with a beautiful woman.

And thinking of said beautiful woman, he looked at the tawdry motorcycle babes clock on the wall in his kitchenette. She had 2 minutes before she was late.

He sat on the bed closest to the door to wait and a single red rose appeared on the coverlet. He was ready.

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hellsboy
2009-03-02 04:34 pm UTC (link)

"Yes, indeed. That is exactly what I hunt." He grinned at her in a way that a game show host might when a contestant has continually guessed the right answers until the audience is in a frenzy. In this case though, there was no frenzy. Just a scotch-muddled mind.

"I get missing your kid," he answered. "I get that parents will do anything - well a lot of parents will - to get their kids back or keep them alive or whatever. I just don't understand making a monster and then cloning it. Nutjobs don't need to be cloned!"

He noticed her head dip and wondered if he'd offended her somehow. He seemed to be very concerned about that this evening. They were nearing the restaurant now and he was hoping she wouldn't start crying. He wasn't sure what he'd do if he had upset her so much that she cried. He didn't want to think about that. He wouldn't.

He cleared his throat and eyed her as she began to smile again. He lifted a brow slightly and then answered her question. "They had tried to do a gene therapy on her to cure some brain disorder. Dissociative identity disorder I think. Which makes the whole cloning thing pretty funny when you look back at it."

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splitmysoul
2009-03-02 04:49 pm UTC (link)

Niki just smiled and shook her head at that. He could be amusing as hell at times.

"Yeah, do you?" Niki asked when he made that comment. The word nutjobs kept coming up too. Niki's head dropped again, now willing herself to calm down or not to strangle him while crying. Taking a deep breath made her feel better. Niki noticed they were nearing a building then. It didn't truly register then, because of the next words that came out of his mouth.

"Gene therapy?" That wasn't the part that slammed her in the face, oh no, it was the next comment and the fact that he kept calling them nutjobs.

"D.I.D.," Niki nodded, suddenly feeling like she might be sick. Taking a couple of steps back, she couldn't look at him. "Do you know the hell a person has to go through in order to become a nut job with D.I.D., the chronic abuse. How about being choked nearly to death on a nightly basis while his breath smelled of alcohol, being beaten so badly that you can't do anything, but hide inside of your mind until it is so fractured and broken that it might never come back together. How about knowing that your sister took the abuse for you, because you were too fragile to take it, that is until she dies and all that is left is you, but she still lives in here." Niki tapped her temple. "How about being beaten, abused in ways you could never imagine night, after night, after night, after night, until you are gone and all that is left in its place is a shell of who you used to be with so many problems with sex, money, control, love, and then add in the chunks of times you lose, or doing things while you are completely out of your mind, and in the mind of someone else, but it is your body. Doing hateful and truly wicked things."

The tears were both hanging off her lower lashes, threatening to spill down her cheeks and onto the ground below her.

"Keep telling me about nut jobs, Dean? Or losing your child, hell how about losing your child to the man you been sleeping with for years and he doesn't tell you. Knowing he blew up, alone and scared as the world around him turned into napalm and no one could get to him. Keep telling me about these nut jobs." Niki's voice had been wavering, she felt like jelly and that her legs might give up on her.

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hellsboy
2009-03-03 01:41 pm UTC (link)

Dean's jaw dropped as she began listing all of the horrors and atrocities a person who had DID had to have accumulated before going over the edge. Somewhere along the way he'd known all of that but it had never occurred to him that she would infer that he meant all people with that disorder were nuts. Just the girl he was talking about. She was evil and so was her father. But now was not the time to part hairs on that issue.

It took him just a few seconds more of listening to her and see the tears forming in her eyes to realize that he had hit way too close to home with what he'd been carelessly saying. Mentally he kicked himself for being an insensitive ass. But how was he to know she had suffered so much? Had the disorder he'd been talking about? He supposed that if he hadn't been half drunk on scotch he would have recognized what it was that she had been struggling with under the surface and the changes in her that had taken place periodically.

He almost automatically reached out to touch her but he knew that would be a big mistake. "Hey, look. I didn't know," he said softly, placatingly. "I'm sorry. I'm an ass, I know. Hey, please don't cry, ok?" He knew he sounded like even more of an ass telling her not to cry but he was never sure what to do when a girl started crying in front of him. Especially when it had been his fault.

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splitmysoul
2009-03-03 01:58 pm UTC (link)

Niki walked up to him, her face a smirk, eyes clear. Then she smacked him, hard. Even if she pulled it in, Jessica was looming under the surface.

"Callow Ass. You know, I thought that we would just hang out, may be I would have cooked a few burgers and just talked. Instead, you took my meaning to this, and I accepted. Why, I have no idea anymore! I wanted to not taste the ash my life had become from losing so much. Now, just standing here, listening to you talk. You chew people up and spit them out when you are done. The way you sound. you've been betrayed, yeah, so what..who hasn't been? I thought you were funny and sweet, and I gave myself into that like an idiot. Never before would I have just let someone waltz into my life like that...here I had hoped it was more then my looks that got to you. Not that you even asked the big questions or took it past some silly talk, moments of fun. I had hoped you would at least treat me as a human being, someone more then my parts. The way you spoke, the way you just talked down about people like they mean nothing, unless they are you or directly related to you shows me just how much you care. I am not some piece of ass, I have a past and a future, and a middle. You spoke that way because you only saw me as 'arm candy' and nothing more. You didn't care that you were being offensive and back peddling doesn't fix it. I'd hate to hear how you speak to your friends about people. You told me you were a hunter, that you help people. I don't see how you can help people past your prejudice and bitterness. I accepted you, I accepted everything that you told me because I know what it is like to be looked down upon, frowned on, talked shit about. You are filled with charm, smarts and intellect, but your emotional maturity blows. Your lack of compassion speaks volumes. Excuse me." Niki tried to get by without fully cracking down in front of him. At least she was turned away when the facade of Jessica completely broke and it was just Niki, raw and angry.

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hellsboy
2009-03-04 11:39 am UTC (link)

When she'd slapped him, Dean had stopped regretting what he'd said. He'd been careless and stupid but he'd apologized. The fact she'd slapped him meant that she didn't give a shit. He wasn't into dealing with that right now. Not at all. He wouldn't hit her. He wouldn't lay a finger on her. But he would defend himself if she tried to slap him again.

"Whoa, seriously? I was talking about a demented, evil little bitch who killed her little sister over a box of Girl Scout cookies. Her asshole of a father didn't clone the little sister, he cloned the crazy, demonic chick. They were nuts, Jessica. None of that had anything to do with anyone else or you or whatever." He sighed and threw up his hands. "Why am I arguing this with you? You just slapped me! You're lucky I don't hit women."

He shook his head and stepped back then turned on his heel to walk back in the direction they'd come. Then he thought better and turned back toward her. "You know what? Yeah I mentioned arm candy but I've been nothing but a gentleman to you. I haven't tried to make a move or degrade you in any way. A piece of ass, if I was ever an asshole who treated women like that, wouldn't have made it off the bed, let alone out in public with me. So don't go passing judgments on my emotional maturity level."

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splitmysoul
2009-03-04 01:40 pm UTC (link)

Niki was hurt and not thinking clearly and the sheer fact that it hadn't been her that hit him kind of threw her for a loop.

"I'm sorry." Niki said. "I just remember you kept saying nut jobs and I...I don't know." Niki really hadn't been in her right head and he was right to be angry. "I know you have been nothing but...I know." It hadn't been Niki.

"It wasn't me. It wasn't me and I know you don't believe me. I'm not Jessica, she is...was, she was gone."

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hellsboy
2009-03-04 01:52 pm UTC (link)

Dean had a hard time not looking at her like she had seven heads and was breathing fire. The about-face was so abrupt that it nearly made his head spin.

"You're not Jessica? Who are you? You know what though, I don't know if I want to know. I'm keeping my lips zipped around you. I realize you may not be able to control what happens to you if all of what you said is true. But I'm not going to stand here and wait for you to slap me around some more when I accidentally mention something else sensitive." He shook his head and took another step back away from her.

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splitmysoul
2009-03-04 02:17 pm UTC (link)

The way he was first talking to her, then this.

"Jessica and I had integrated. I am the person you met, it was all me, I just used her name. Since coming here I have been stressed, I just used her name after coming out of the meta human prison they put my kind into, I just don't remember and you don't even care to listen. You don't have to do that. I like you Dean, please don't take...you were being heartless in the way you came off and I don't even remember everything and kept saying things over and over. I am sorry." When he kept stepping away from her, Niki wondered why she even bothered?
"Please, don't? It's been a stressful time for me and something happened. I don't know why I am trying to talk to you? I don't want you to hate me, but I get why you would. I can control her. You don't care, I don't blame you." Niki suddenly felt dead inside and knew she wouldn't be bothering him ever again.

(OOC I am kind of confused here. I know we had spoken about things, but then I haven't seen you on. I don't want to impose. I thought we would talk how this would be handled. But I get that Dean wants to get away from here. Sorry)

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hellsboy
2009-03-05 08:33 am UTC (link)

Dean wanted to take issue with her using stress as an excuse but then he stopped. He stopped moving away, stopped thinking about her as though she were any other normal woman. She'd just explained to him, however convolutedly, the horrific way she had been treated for a large portion of her life. It sounded like she'd had shitty taste in men in the past. But some of that she hadn't been able to control. It had just happened to her. The way things just happen to people all the time for seemingly no reason other than the powers that be don't control people like puppets as nice as it would be if they'd at least control the evil ones. It wasn't fair of him to hold her to the standard he'd hold someone who wasn't suffering from DID. Some allowances had to be made.

Still he wondered too if she wasn't just lying because she was a completely out of control bitch. He decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, even if he was still very uncomfortable and really disinterested in saying something triggering accidentally again.

"Look, I get it. You were dealt a really crappy hand in life," he started and looked her in the eye. "You said you can control her? It doesn't look that way to me. Either that or you wanted to slap me around yourself."

He stopped and sighed, shaking his head. "You've got to stop passing judgment on me. You don't know if I care. You don't know what I'm thinking except that I don't want an instant replay of a minute ago. You can't expect a guy to apologize and then slap him and have him think 'Oh, yeah I want to stick around for more!' It doesn't work that way, Jes- whatever your name is."

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splitmysoul
2009-03-05 07:32 pm UTC (link)

"No, but all I am seeing is you passing judgment yourself. What you said hurt me, and was just insensitive. And the stress is a trigger. Look it up if you don't beleive me. I didn't slap you, I saw me slapping you, but I didn't slap you. You hurt me. Even if they were evil assholes, the way you talked about the disease, it was dismissive. And I told you my name, I told you a lot more then I have ever told anyone, other then Pete. My father was a bastard. He made me like this, after he killed my sister. What he did to us, he paid for, but it wasn't me. You are right, I don't know, but you don't know me either. We are integrated, were, doesn't matter now does it? Don't worry, I am not going to jump you and beat on you. Even without a disorder, the way you were talking was insensitive. So, do not put all of this on me. I won't allow you to do that. It takes two people to make something happen, not just one." Niki said, wiping her eyes. "It's Niki, Okay, you want to call me Jessica, then call me that. Do whatever you wish."

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hellsboy
2009-03-05 08:05 pm UTC (link)

"Well that was a barrage of bullshit. You're fully allowed to choose to not believe what I said to you but I have to believe you or else I'm some kind of shit head. I can't apologize because you won't believe anything I say but I am supposed to stand here and listen to you rant at me about what I did and already apologized for. Ok. Well have a nice evening. I'll leave you to it."

Dean threw up his hands and turned around, throwing them down again as he left. Jogging back to his dorm.

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	splitmysoul 2009-03-05 08:09 pm UTC (link)
	"Dean.I never said you were a shit head." Niki said. "I do believe you, but I am telling you how I feel. How is this fair?" (Reply to this) (Parent)

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