InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I'm singing in the rain"

Kitty Pryde (Shadowcat) (kitty_has_claws) wrote in marinanova,
@ 2017-01-23 17:54:00

Entry tags:

ianto jones, jack harkness, kitty pryde (aoa), pavel chekov (au), peter parker (stnas)

Day 412 The rewind
[Video/Action | OPEN]
So that...happened.

I've been here for awhile and for those of you who are on the newer side of things, I wish I had some keen insight for you, but that's just one of the games they play. It was kind of a remix of some of their old ones. [She's seen people remember more future before and seen people think they were connected to others in new ways. She had a husband for a day once before.] I think it's just important to remember who you are without their toying and lean on people when you need to. We're in this together.

I don't think what we saw was a real future even if parts of it seemed like they were. There were some conflicting outlooks. Of course, that hasn't stopped me from trying to remember exactly how we overthrew them in mine. [It hasn't stopped her from thinking about a lot of things it brought up.]

Anyway... [She hopes you're all okay. She would have been better at saying that yesterday when it was still twenty years from now. So, she just ends the feed there and you might find her out and about looking particularly thoughtful. Maybe absently walking through solid objects including you! As one does.]

[Action | Closed to Chekov]
[Before her broadcast or any other calls there is just a girl waking up next to a boy. Everything feels right at first. She snuggles closer and the details don't feel important. Are they still in the future? Was yesterday a dream or an experiment? It doesn't matter yet. She's only half awake and warm and comfortable.]

[Video | Closed to Jack]
Hey, so, how are things? [Concerned but also unsure how to ask if yesterday ruined his relationships for real.]

[Video | Closed to Ianto]
Need a coffee? [Code for "let's talk."]

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	foreverjack 2017-01-30 03:15 am UTC (link)
	Because apparently we lack the ability to actually talk to each other. [Very, very dry.] I mean, it didn't start out too bad. Yesterday raised some big issues but I thought we were working through them, but then... [He lifts his head, pulling back enough to be able to look her in the eye, his own haunted and lost.] Am I really impossible to talk to? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kitty_has_claws
2017-01-30 11:20 am UTC (link)

[She really feels for him. For both of them. It must have been a hard conversation.] I think when people love each other as much as you and Ianto love each other it can be hard to discuss your feelings without feeling your feelings and it getting messy. [She knows she's done that when she least wanted to.] Especially when you're afraid of losing each other.

But, no, you're not impossible to talk to. There's a big distance between not impossible and easy to talk to though. [Generally speaking she likes talking to Jack. He makes sense to her and they've had some meaningful talks. She knows his real name. That's something. But she's also been around a lot of taciturn people. Logan wasn't a sharer. Piotr didn't say much after his injury. And even Reid... Well, she'd rather not think in that direction right now. But she's spent a lot of her life with damaged people who had walls up. She's been one. She is one. It's not a great fit in a relationship.]

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foreverjack
2017-01-30 01:01 pm UTC (link)

[The thing is, he's starting to wonder if losing Ianto would be such a bad thing. In real time, this whole thing may have only started yesterday, but he still has most of those memories, even if some are rather fuzzy, and it feels like it's been going on for years.

Especially considering how it feels like the whole thing just carried right on through to today.

He deflates even more at her words, because apparently it's true and he feels pathetic for having let it get to this point.] I really didn't know. I mean, some people have said things... Reid said I was intimidating, and Chuck - well, she thinks it's hilarious how much stuff about relationships I just don't get! But Ianto... I thought he just didn't want to talk about anything too deep or personal. How can he be scared to question me about things? AFter all the things we've been through!

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kitty_has_claws
2017-01-30 01:43 pm UTC (link)

[She understands about the feeling. She wanted so badly this morning to tell Pavel she loves him, but she knows she wasn't sure about that the day before and as much as she feels it today she doesn't know if she'll feel it tomorrow or next week. She doesn't know where she'll be when those memories fade a little more. Her "marriage" to Jack deepened some things in a permanent way, but she doesn't long to be married to him. She doesn't feel like she lost another husband.

She watches him look sadder when she talks about the ease of conversation and part of her wants to reassure him that she likes talking to him, but she doesn't want to confuse the issue. It's not about them. And maybe this is something he needs to see and feel right now for Ianto's sake.]

The person you love the most is the one who can hurt you the most deeply. That can be scary. There were times when Reid would say something when he was angry and if I wasn't me—if I was some outside observer—I'd just see he was hurt and confused and lashing out, but in that moment it would just...destroy me like nothing else could. Because if the person you love most sees you like that...

The point is, that it can be scary even when you trust them and depend on them. You get that, right? Probably feeling some of it now? [Since they did just have a fight and he's obviously questioning himself.]

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foreverjack
2017-01-31 01:24 pm UTC (link)

[He snorts softly.] Scary as hell, yeah.

[Sighing]I know neither of us were being very rational. I just… He never said anything before, you know? I mean, okay, he did say he liked having Spike because he can talk to him – and I've found Spike surprisingly easy to talk to myself! – but I thought that meant he was happy with that and didn't want to talk to me. I had no idea it was this big a deal!

And maybe it wasn't before yesterday, I don't know. I know yesterday was fake but it did give him a long time to think about this and let it fester and maybe it's just got really big in his head because of that, that he feels he can't talk to me, but I still don't know what to do about that.

[He gives another snort of dry laughter, and reaches across her for the vodka – and a plastic cup, since she brought them.] I came into this this morning thinking that my sleeping around was going to be the big issue. I had no idea!

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kitty_has_claws
2017-02-01 12:53 am UTC (link)

He is weirdly easy to talk to. We end up fighting about the soul thing a lot or other things, but he still seems to care about relationships and just gets a lot of things. [Of course this might not be the moment Jack most wants to year Spike's good qualities listed. She looks at the sad captain thoughtfully.]

I think yesterday is still probably weighing on all of us. Adding depth and intensity to things that might not deserve it.

Jack, do you want to talk to Ianto? I mean in general. Do you want to be able to go to him with your thoughts and concerns and things that make you happy? Whatever's on your mind?

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foreverjack
2017-02-01 08:18 am UTC (link)

[He nods at the Spike stuff as he pours himself a drink but, yeah, not really feeling like actually talking about Spike right now!

Besides, her question demands some thought.]

I don't know. I mean - I thought I did! Since all the Spike stuff happened we've had to do a lot of talking. And even apart from that... I've shared so much with him since we've been here that I never would have done before. About things that have happened in the past, things that have made me who I am. [All the stuff about Ianto's death, for instance - not just the facts but how he coped, or didn't, afterwards. And Alice and Steven. Estelle.]

I guess I never realised he wasn't really sharing a lot back, you know?

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kitty_has_claws
2017-02-01 07:43 pm UTC (link)

[She nods.] Yeah, I know how that is. I kind of assume if I'm sharing they'll know they can feel comfortable to do the same if they want. [And listening to Jack talk she wonders if this is something that was happening with Reid too. Though she doubts he wanted to talk the way Ianto wants to.]

Have you ever shut him down when he was trying to tell you something? [Wondering how much comes from perception and how much is experience.]

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foreverjack
2017-02-01 10:54 pm UTC (link)

I don't know. I suppose I must have done, but I can't remember doing it! [Which is a lot of what's worrying him, and making him feel so helpless.]

I mean, there must have been a lot of times in the early days, when we were back at Torchwood. We might have been shagging but he was still - you know - the office junior. But that's - that's like ancient history now, especially after yesterday!

[He grimaces, and takes a big sip of vodka, gasping at the burn, loving the fire of it.]

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	kitty_has_claws 2017-02-01 11:49 pm UTC (link)
	You know this? The getting frustrated part. [Where the exclamation points come out.] Probably not helping with the talking. I get it. But Maybe something to watch out for when you talk again? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	foreverjack 2017-02-02 02:25 pm UTC (link)
	[He gives her a helpless look. The over-the-top reaction to - well - pretty much everything is very much a part of him. It's hard to tone that down after all these years.] I did try to, you know. I tried fucking hard, way harder than I ever would have done before. [But point taken. He purses his lips.] Guess I'll just have to try even harder. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kitty_has_claws 2017-02-02 03:13 pm UTC (link)
	[Softly.] I know. Hey, he loves you for you. He doesn't want you to change everything. I'm just thinking this would help a little with the communicating. And it's all hard with yesterday still hanging on us. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	foreverjack 2017-02-02 04:01 pm UTC (link)
	I do believe he loves me. But sometimes that isn't enough, is it? And yesterday threw up so many issues. [Issues they seriously need to be able to communicate about if they'll have any chance of sorting them out. He takes another drink, and looks round at her.] Any other tips? How I can make myself easier to talk to? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kitty_has_claws
2017-02-02 04:10 pm UTC (link)

Sometimes. [How can she not admit that considering how things went with Reid. It's not that she ever stopped loving him.] But don't let their games yesterday ruin this. Clearly there are things to work on, but you didn't actually try for twenty years. It's been one day. Remember that even when it doesn't feel like it.

[She looks thoughtful, wondering if she's the best person to ask. She's not sure people always find her easy to talk to.]

Ask him questions? Remind him that you love him and want to be with him. [That last part never seemed to work for Reid, but it would have done wonders for her.]

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foreverjack
2017-02-02 06:04 pm UTC (link)

[He gives her a long look, trying to work through the frustration and really listen to what she's saying. After a minute, he gives a little nod.] Okay, that's fair enough. Perhaps we can rise above what the AIs predicted for us. Be better than they thought we'd be.

[He doesn't really believe that, not right now, after what just went down with Ianto. But he can pretend. He manages a tiny smile.]

I guess that makes sense. He did say I never ask him how he is. I mean, I'm sure I do, but I guess I can do it more?

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	kitty_has_claws 2017-02-02 07:47 pm UTC (link)
	It's worth trying when something is important, right? [She smiles back.] By the way... I told Pavel we had sex. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	foreverjack 2017-02-02 09:34 pm UTC (link)
	It's always worth trying. I guess at least I know what the big issues are, even if I still don't really know what to do about them. [He sighs, and then looks up with interest because - hey, subject that's not totally depressing and disheartening! At least, he hopes it's not.] Yeah? How did he take it? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kitty_has_claws 2017-02-02 09:43 pm UTC (link)
	Probably as well as he could have. I mean, he understands. He's not upset with me or you. I think he felt insecure about it though. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	foreverjack 2017-02-03 08:19 am UTC (link)
	Yeah, I'm not surprised. [He makes a face, and takes a sip of vodka.] Yet another thing that yesterday threw up, I guess. Ianto's not the only one bothered about me sleeping with other people. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kitty_has_claws 2017-02-03 01:21 pm UTC (link)
	Oh? Who else? [Probably none of her business, but hey, she can always ask, right? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	foreverjack 2017-02-03 05:49 pm UTC (link)
	Kirk, yesterday. He was the only other person I actually slept with yesterday, but there'd been others in that timeline. Gaeta, Wade, Aidan, Martha, even the Doctor, eventually. [Another good slug of vodka.] This is over the course of twenty years, of course. Not all at once! [By his usual standards, it's a pretty small list.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kitty_has_claws
2017-02-03 06:02 pm UTC (link)

[She laughs at that.] I didn't even consider the possibility of all at once. I'm slacking.

But yeah, I got the feeling there were a few people I'd reach out to for...extra. But I only remember you and then also Gaeta. And you and Chekov were the only ones I was with yesterday.

[Softer.] It was our first time. [She assumes he'll know she means Chekov since it wasn't her first time with Jack.]

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	foreverjack 2017-02-03 09:46 pm UTC (link)
	[He grins, slightly, relieved by the fact there's even something to smile about! And then whistles softly through his teeth at her revelation.] Wow. That's kinda mean. They made you miss out on your first time because you didn't know it was your first time? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kitty_has_claws 2017-02-03 10:40 pm UTC (link)
	It was the first time I told him I loved him too. I think that part was worse. [It's all bad. And, yes, just her first time saying it.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	foreverjack 2017-02-04 09:06 am UTC (link)
	Ouch. Yeah, that's... complicated. [A wry twist of his lips.] Perhaps not quite as complicated as my complicated, but yeah. [He glances across at her, sympathetic.] How was the follow-up on that this morning? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)