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Tweak says, "Thank you for the standing O."

Kitty Pryde (Shadowcat) (kitty_has_claws) wrote in marinanova,
@ 2017-01-23 17:54:00

Entry tags:

ianto jones, jack harkness, kitty pryde (aoa), pavel chekov (au), peter parker (stnas)

Day 412 The rewind
[Video/Action | OPEN]
So that...happened.

I've been here for awhile and for those of you who are on the newer side of things, I wish I had some keen insight for you, but that's just one of the games they play. It was kind of a remix of some of their old ones. [She's seen people remember more future before and seen people think they were connected to others in new ways. She had a husband for a day once before.] I think it's just important to remember who you are without their toying and lean on people when you need to. We're in this together.

I don't think what we saw was a real future even if parts of it seemed like they were. There were some conflicting outlooks. Of course, that hasn't stopped me from trying to remember exactly how we overthrew them in mine. [It hasn't stopped her from thinking about a lot of things it brought up.]

Anyway... [She hopes you're all okay. She would have been better at saying that yesterday when it was still twenty years from now. So, she just ends the feed there and you might find her out and about looking particularly thoughtful. Maybe absently walking through solid objects including you! As one does.]

[Action | Closed to Chekov]
[Before her broadcast or any other calls there is just a girl waking up next to a boy. Everything feels right at first. She snuggles closer and the details don't feel important. Are they still in the future? Was yesterday a dream or an experiment? It doesn't matter yet. She's only half awake and warm and comfortable.]

[Video | Closed to Jack]
Hey, so, how are things? [Concerned but also unsure how to ask if yesterday ruined his relationships for real.]

[Video | Closed to Ianto]
Need a coffee? [Code for "let's talk."]

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candothat
2017-01-24 10:02 pm UTC (link)

I could have spoken more carefully. [There are a lot of coulds here. He could let her go, too, but that's not happening.] Maybe we could both be as quick to forgive ourselves as we are each other.

[Quietly:] It was. [Right now he thinks that, eventually, he could have been entirely happy there with her even if going back home had never become a possibility.] It was very good.

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	kitty_has_claws 2017-01-24 10:09 pm UTC (link)
	I will if you will. [Or at least she'll try.] Our tribble was cute. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	candothat 2017-01-25 03:51 pm UTC (link)
	I will try. [He's not any better at it than she is.] Yes, Pushistyy. [The name makes him smile, but it only lasts a moment.] The... ah, our arrangement was... interesting. [You know, the arrangement that involved other men. It was fine at the time, but Chekov had also had years to adjust to the idea and he knew that Kitty loved him.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kitty_has_claws
2017-01-25 05:06 pm UTC (link)

[They had such a good thing going with Pushistyy. They were smiling. What happened? Where did all that go?]

Yeah... I never would have guessed that one. I guess that's how you know it's one of their games and not the actual future. [It felt right to her at the time. Great even. It gave her freedom she felt like she needed while still being completely in love with him.] It seemed more like something Jack would have worked out instead. [Speaking of Jack... She quickly looks over at her wrist. Blue, not black. It didn't count against them.]

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	candothat 2017-01-25 11:10 pm UTC (link)
	[Chekov is determined to be a killjoy!] You wouldn't want something like that if the bands were gone? [Now he lets her go so he can see her face. He's... curious. A little confused. This is the first time he's noticed evidence that there was something between Kitty and Jack. (The meaning behind her band check is, however, lost on him.)] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kitty_has_claws 2017-01-25 11:17 pm UTC (link)
	Isn't figuring things out with one person challenging enough? Good! But you know... [Still a little challenging even if you're only struggling with yourself.] Pavel, I can't tell you what I might want twenty years from now, but right now I just want to be with you. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

candothat
2017-01-25 11:40 pm UTC (link)

[He nods and takes a moment to analyze his feelings. Is he worried that she'll leave him and take up with Jack? Afraid that that glimpse into a possible future means that he's not enough for her?

Honestly... not really. Not the way he thinks he could be.

He leans closer until they're nose-to-nose.] I want that now, too. How we are, like this... I'm happy with you.

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kitty_has_claws
2017-01-25 11:50 pm UTC (link)

I'm happy with you. [Tilting and dipping in to connect a kiss. She has some concerns. It's not about leaving him for Jack or anyone else, but there is a vague sort of concern that the dream got some of the details right. That they won't be as sexually compatible as either of them would hope. But they haven't even had sex outside of the twenty year jump and it feels odd to start asking about how often he wants something they haven't really done as themselves. And why is this even a big deal? It's not like she's been with anyone since Reid anyway. It's been months. Other than yesterday and the "marriage" to Jack and maybe some dreams. But mostly it's been a long time. Surely it wouldn't be a big deal.]

There is something you should know about yesterday though. [You appreciate honesty, right?]

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	candothat 2017-01-26 12:11 am UTC (link)
	[Yes, good. She's also happy and there's a kiss and this seems like a decent place to be after his earlier misstep. Concerns about the future can wait for the future; Chekov has barely had time to figure out the present. But the present has suddenly become more worrying.] What is it that I should know? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kitty_has_claws 2017-01-26 12:16 am UTC (link)
	I was... I used the agreement we had yesterday. [And her heart will just wait to beat until after his reaction whatever it is.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

candothat
2017-01-26 12:31 am UTC (link)

[He gives her one of those long looks that means he's thinking too hard about some new piece of information.]

Ah. After we... [Um. Intellectually, he's fine with this. The part of his mind that doesn't listen to reason is not so fine, however, because this is clear evidence that he isn't enough.] That was the purpose of the agreement, yes. It only makes sense that you would... er, take advantage of it.

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kitty_has_claws
2017-01-26 12:39 am UTC (link)

[Do you know how much she wants to tell him she loves him right now? So much. But she believes in her reasons for not from before. Besides, it might feel manipulative to do it now and that's not what she wants. She wants to reassure him for that "After we..." She thinks she knows what that means.]

I really wish I hadn't. [Threading her fingers with his.] These things are going to happen here sometimes. The mistletoe bots, the shared dreams, waking up with new memories... Maybe we should talk about how we want to handle it as a couple?

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candothat
2017-01-26 12:56 am UTC (link)

[It's best that she doesn't. Not now that he has accepted that that will need to wait.]

I understand. [He looks down at their interlaced hands and gives hers a squeeze.] None of these things can be controlled and neither of us should feel responsible for them when they happen. [Not that emotions work that way.] What makes sense to you? You have had to navigate a relationship with these obstacles before.

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	kitty_has_claws 2017-01-26 01:01 am UTC (link)
	You mean the relationship that self destructed? I could say the opposite of whatever we did, but you're not Reid. So we should probably figure out what works for us. I guess for me I'd want honest and clear, but not detailed. And reassurance. I just always want to be able to talk about things. What about you? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	candothat 2017-01-26 01:13 am UTC (link)
	[A wince.] Yes, that one. I can do that, and I would want the same--honesty and discussion, and to know that you still [not love, what was it she said] find me important. And if you have doubts or if I upset you, I would want to know that also. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kitty_has_claws 2017-01-26 08:16 am UTC (link)
	[She hugs him.] You are very important to me. I want to be with you. [It's hard to imagine anything else after yesterday.] Do you want to know who it was? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	candothat 2017-01-26 10:38 pm UTC (link)
	[He hugs her back.] You are with me, right now. [Right? And it doesn't seem right to hug her while asking who she slept with in that odd future place, so he pulls back.] Please, yes. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kitty_has_claws 2017-01-26 10:54 pm UTC (link)
	I am. [Almost as if reading the brackets! She just really wants to reassure him any way she can. She hates putting him through this. Not that she planned a 1-day resort in weird future land where hopefully none of that is happening.] It was Jack. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	candothat 2017-01-26 11:21 pm UTC (link)
	[It was almost a question! As much as he would like to deny needing reassurance (because he does understand that these things are inevitable here, truly), his emotions and his brain are not operating in tandem.] Aha. [A nod. Of course it was Jack, he should have guessed that.] You're close to him. I know that. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kitty_has_claws
2017-01-26 11:33 pm UTC (link)

[She understands that. She'd want reassurance too. They agreed on reassurance! It's the plan. She threads her fingers into his.] Yeah...

[Is she going to do this? She probably shouldn't do this. They said no details, but the thing is Jack goes beyond one glitch. Experiment. Experiglitch.]

He's a close friend and there has been an attraction for awhile. Part of that is that everyone kind of does because of the future pheromones? Maybe you've noticed it? [Is that strange to ask? Does it make it better if he has?] And one time we spent a day convinced we were married. [So not actually their first time having sex. Also the shared dreams. It's kind of been a lot.] After that things were a little more confusing, but he wants to be with Ianto and I want to be with you.

[That was so much to drop on him. She fights the impulse to squeeze his hand too hard. She's nervous.]

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candothat
2017-01-26 11:54 pm UTC (link)

[That... was unexpected, but he has made it clear that honesty is important to him. He frowns in a thinking-hard-and-uncertain-how-to-feel way and looks back down at their hands. What is she telling him, exactly?]

I haven't noticed, no. [Whether that can be attributed to how he's wired or to general obliviousness is anyone's guess. Some pieces are starting to fall into place, though.] This... eh, this was ongoing when you were with Reid? And he knew?

[He gives her hand a quick squeeze. He's not running, see?]

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kitty_has_claws
2017-01-27 12:02 am UTC (link)

[She squeezes back.] Reid and I were broken up when the marriage thing happened. [She ducks her head.] My first thought the next morning was just feeling miserable that I'd cheated on him and afraid he'd be upset. Even though I couldn't cheat on him then. And then the whole thing just reminded me of how alone and unloved I felt. [She swallows and charges forward because he should answer his question better.]

Before that when we were together there was some attraction, but outside of mistletoe kisses nothing ever happened. [Maybe a shared dream? She can't remember. The order of events blur with time and how many happen. It's every few days. Hard to keep it straight in your head. She doesn't remember it ever being a problem so nothing comes to mind.] We'd dance together and sometimes he'd get a little jealous, but I always went home with him. [She'll skip the part about how they always had the best sex after he was a little jealous.]

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candothat
2017-01-27 12:44 am UTC (link)

[There's a lot--a lot to process, a lot of layers to her relationships, a lot of history to think about. But Kitty and Reid had been a volatile mess when Chekov showed up and she has always been honest about how messy her love life has been, so none of this is shocking. It's not going to scare him away. He did, after all, discover that he felt something for Kitty that wasn't strictly platonic when she was still trying to salvage things with Reid. She wasn't at all available then and he was fine with that. He can be fine with this, too. As long as she isn't shutting him out.

(There are similarities between Kitty and Lucy that make Chekov wonder if he has a very specific type: messy past, recovering from a particularly bad break up, afraid of words like I love you. Lucy had been an incorrigible flirt even after they were together and he was fine then, so this should be easy.)]

I won't be jealous if you dance. [There's a lot more that he should reply to, but he needs to think. He hadn't even finished digesting his three years at home and now there's the ghost of a possible future to contend with.] As long as you always remember to dance with me, too.

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kitty_has_claws
2017-01-27 09:55 am UTC (link)

[She's intellectually aware it's a lot, but it blends into the tapestry of her life too. At any given moment she's usually only focusing on one person. So it isn't until she's explaining it to him like this that she realize how it sounds. How it must look. How it might feel. She doesn't like leaving this burden with Chekov and if she's honest there's a moment of regret for Reid's sake too. Of course she never meant for any of it to be like this. Choices were made in the moments when it felt right to make them. She owns her choice to be with Tyki. Her experiences with Jack are murkier because boundaries were crossed when the wardens manipulated them. Her feelings are her own now though.

Maybe that future wasn't as unrealistic as she wanted to think it was. Maybe she would be or already is someone who wants to be open to other experiences. She never thought of herself that way. She couldn't even conceive of doing that while she was with Piotr. She could say it had to do with limited choices but what's more limited than this dome? She never wanted to be with anyone else while she was with Tyki but she started falling for Reid during that time. She just wasn't aware of it until after things were over.

And Reid... She put him through Tyki and Jack and maybe it was too much. So much of her is too much. She's full of unresolved PTSD and culture shock and issues. She loved him. She still loves him and part of her is still in love with him. The part that can't tell Chekov she loves him. She really believed it work. She never thought it would be easy. What is? But she always saw them as her future until that day on the rooftop when she was breaking up with him just to keep him from breaking up with her one more time. She hasn't let herself think about that moment too much or regret it. She doesn't want to think a functioning relationship was right around the corner. It didn't feel like it anymore. She wasn't trusting him with her heart and she wasn't sure she ever would again as much as she wanted to.

Yesterday, was like a balm in a way. It made Chekov look very much like the right choice. Things weren't perfect with the dome or with all her friends, and she was moved by those things, but she was still happy with her life. She had hope and love and there was just an ease to it where it didn't feel like she had to fight for everything all the time and she knew what to do with herself when she wasn't fighting.

Chekov is like a glimpse into that every time she's with him. Even in this moment as hard as it is she doesn't feel like she is in a struggle with him or against him.]

Always. [She leans in to kiss him, grateful for the words.]

Thank you for being in my life. I know that wasn't entirely us yesterday, but you made that Kitty feel so happy and loved and free and confident and... [Nope, out of words. Needs more hugs.]

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candothat
2017-01-27 10:55 pm UTC (link)

[All of this is beyond Chekov. He has only had a handful of prior relationships and, of those, only one has had a sexual element. It has been so different for him than for Kitty. Each relationship had ended amicably and without drama when either he or she needed to leave; there was no overlap, no break up, no hard feelings, no broken hearts, and no mess. Sadness, yes, and he still misses Salla zh'Tran, Tess, and Lucy--of course he does, he did love them--but there's no heartache. He had never been naive enough to think that any of those loves were forever and he knew that he would always return to space and his work, alone.

His relationships have been orderly where Kitty's have been messy, clean in a way that sounds decidedly unromantic because everyone involved knew that it was, by necessity, temporary. Chekov still loved them wholeheartedly and without reservation (he doesn't know how to love any other way), but his hopes and future and happiness were never tied to another person. They can't be. He moves too quickly and too often (and is too aware of that fact) to grow the kind of roots that, once severed, never stop hurting.

And Kitty's experiences have been incredibly dissimilar. He can't imagine being in a position where a number of people are involved and feelings are getting hurt and there's jealousy and multiple love stories being told at once, with each at a different point in the narrative. Before yesterday, he hadn't even thought about being involved in a relationship that had no set end date. He doesn't really understand her experience of love.

Again, it's a lot. Not just what Kitty's telling him now, but also what happened yesterday. He's beginning to understand that he could be getting into something far larger and scarier than he had thought.

He's here now, though. Kitty has his heart and it's too late to ask for it back.]

Thank you. [It's a brief kiss, but he's here for it.]

I would like to make this Kitty feel the same way someday. [He hugs her back tightly. Someday, which implies them being together for an indefinite amount of time, which is terrifying now that he's thinking about it. This is different and new and it's not going to be as clean as the other times he has been in love, but he means it.]