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Tweak says, "20, 19, 18...17"

Pavel Chekov (candothat) wrote in marinanova,
@ 2016-12-05 21:11:00

Entry tags:

aidan reilly, jack harkness, jim kirk, john constatine, kitty pryde (aoa), pavel chekov (au)

Day 405 [closed action | open action]
[action | closed to Kitty]

[As it happens, waking up three years older than you were when you went to sleep is mildly disorienting. Waking up in bed next to someone who wasn't present in any of those three years compounds the effect. Chekov--newly twenty-four and, as far as he can remember, fresh from yet another near-death experience--sits up with a start. This is definitely not his room at Yorktown Starbase. This is...

MarinaNova. He's in bed with Kitty. He has been here for one-hundred twelve days.

Chekov lowers his head to his hands and groans. There are two different yesterdays in his mind, both equally vivid and real, and it's way too early to deal with that.]

[action | open]

[Chekov, three years older than he was yesterday and considerably more dazed than usual, does a circuit of the dome. Everything has a not-quite-rightness to it that he can't put his finger on and he feels oddly out of place. He isn't, of course. He was here yesterday, and he remembers that yesterday like it was... yesterday, which it was. But he also remembers a yesterday where he was a universe away and waiting for the Enterprise to be rebuilt. In that universe, he was on year three of a five-year mission.

He's looking for Kirk, specifically. It would be easiest to call him up, but Chekov would much rather talk in person.]

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	kitty_has_claws 2016-12-09 10:46 pm UTC (link)
	If we can figure out the bathroom situation then I'm good with that. [A little lightness? She kisses his temple.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	candothat 2016-12-09 10:52 pm UTC (link)
	I would let you go for that if you promised that you would come back. [If this is what not-quite-being-loved by Kitty is like, then he isn't about to complain.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kitty_has_claws 2016-12-09 11:25 pm UTC (link)
	We'll cross that bridge when we get there. [She kisses him again on the lips softly.] Lay back down with me? Tell me about what I missed the last three years? Or we can just be quiet. Whatever feels right. [She'd like to hear but it doesn't have to be right now.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	candothat 2016-12-09 11:43 pm UTC (link)
	[He's momentarily torn between trying to encourage more kissing and cuddling back up, but cuddling wins. He gets resituated and snuggles in close.] I would like to be quiet now. [Not in an attempt to shut her out, just to reorganize and regroup.] Later I can tell you more about the last three years than you want to hear. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kitty_has_claws
2016-12-09 11:49 pm UTC (link)

[She is so good with that plan. Him having to be alone to sort things out or maybe never talk to her would have been hard. But plans to do it later and to be physically close now? That's perfect. Better than talking now maybe. She needs to process what she already knows too.]

Deal. [Did you know that cuddling doesn't actually preclude kissing? She will demonstrate by kissing him again once they are snuggling.]

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candothat
2016-12-11 12:14 am UTC (link)

[What, they can do both at the same time? This knowledge is going to change Chekov's life!

Since neither of them have immediate plans that involve leaving, he kisses back softly and lingeringly, fingerings coming up to trace her cheek. He'll tell her everything eventually. There aren't any great secrets (he hopes that she knows that and won't think that he's trying to hide something), it's just a lot to talk about right now. Everything is a lot. He should have put the love thing off until later, but.

But there's nothing he can do to take that back, it's not regrettable, and maybe it wasn't exactly the wrong time to say it.]

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kitty_has_claws
2016-12-11 01:13 am UTC (link)

[She isn't an overly suspicious person. She has self doubt and insecurity. She has a history of betrayal. And yet in the moment she will accept a person at their word unless they are being clearly shady which Pavel never is.

She kisses him back, enjoying the tenderness of this exchange. The intimacy shared without words which are difficult to choose. And, you know, the kissing. It feels good.

She isn't running so it can't be all bad! Maybe it will spur her on to identifying her feelings sooner than it might have or maybe it will lead to complications. Hard to know yet. Magic 8 ball says, "ask again later."]

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candothat
2016-12-14 01:00 am UTC (link)

[He is about as shady as a tree with no leaves. Or branches. Or a trunk.

The kiss ends and he curls up as small as possible (which is not actually that small now that he's gained some muscle) and tucks his head under her chin. It's a slightly awkward position, but there's something soothing and secure about it.

He doesn't plan on telling her that he loves her again in the near future. He doesn't want to make her feel like she's obligated to return it when she's not ready to.

Anyway, she knows now.]

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kitty_has_claws
2016-12-14 10:15 am UTC (link)

[The way he shifts after the kiss reminds her this is not a time for getting carried away. They are barely awake and already so much has happened with added years and feeling the scare of things repeating themselves and being told he loves her and not being ready to return those words. She wraps her arms around him as best she can and holds him securely.

She starts humming and once she hears herself doing it, she almost stops. It feels strangely natural in the moment, but he might think it's silly or that she's treating him like a child, but softly the song goes on in hummed sounds only. It's a half remembered lullaby. A couple really, smashed together when she didn't remember how it was supposed to go.]

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candothat
2016-12-14 03:52 pm UTC (link)

[There was a point in his life where he would have been annoyed by anything that could be interpreted as him being treated like a child. It seems like a far-distant point now and this kind of affection is everything that he wants. Even the humming is nice. It's just enough to keep his mind from running off in a dozen different directions and, although he doesn't know the tune, it has a familiar feel to it.

He isn't very good at asking for things because he's rarely aware of what he needs, but right now he's asking her to show him that she cares about him and wants him in spite of the changes and the confession that should have waited.]

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	kitty_has_claws 2016-12-14 10:33 pm UTC (link)
	[She gently runs her fingers over his arm long after the humming dies out. She wants to talk but he already said he needs time on all the new things and she wants to respect that. How do you just talk about whatever it is they normally talk about now after all this?] Are you hungry? [The words seem a little too loud after all the quiet.] I could make breakfast. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

candothat
2016-12-14 11:19 pm UTC (link)

[Her voice startles him from his thoughts and reminds him that there is still a life that needs to be lived here in MarinaNova--a life that, unfortunately, involves getting out of bed and eating and doing all of the normal being-alive things. You'd think that living in a virtual reality would make all of those silly mundane things unnecessary.]

I'm always hungry. [Not so much right now, but he thinks he should be hungry and that's kind of the same.] I need to let you get up. [He nuzzles her neck, which is not at all the same as letting her up.]

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	kitty_has_claws 2016-12-14 11:50 pm UTC (link)
	[Asked and answered. And yet it doesn't seem like he's that interested in the business of moving.] Hey. [Softly.] How are you doing in there? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	candothat 2016-12-15 11:18 pm UTC (link)
	I feel as though I've known you for more than three years. [Not an answer to her question, but it's on his mind and it's relevant to how he's doing.] Does that make sense? I know that, here, it has only been a short time, but now time passed at home and it seems like I met you a long time ago. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kitty_has_claws
2016-12-15 11:38 pm UTC (link)

[The way he's tucked under her chin is helpful because he won't see when she closes her eyes and tears slip down her cheeks. He might hear it in the shaky sound she makes when she takes a breath. It was a sudden, overwhelming kind of thing.

When Reid return she felt...half remembered. She wasn't sure where she stood with the other woman and the time he'd gained. She felt like her place in his life had changed. And maybe it hadn't. She's sure it was a confusing time for him. He had a lot to process. He also may just not have known how to communicate what he felt or how important it was to her. She didn't realize how important it was either. Not until she heard Chekov just now. Not until he reinforced again how important she is to him even now. Instead of feeling erased she feels more visible than ever.

It's embarrassing to feel this much relief. This touched. He's the one who has been through a lot here. She asked how he was to check on him. It's not about her. But with him it is. With him even as new as they are together he's bringing her into it. Sharing himself. At least that's how it feels to her and it's a good feeling.

For the first time with him she thinks the thing she didn't say. The thing she still can't bring herself to say aloud.]

I don't know if it makes sense, but it's nice to hear. [Such an understatement made in emotion-laden words.]

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candothat
2016-12-16 12:26 am UTC (link)

[The downside of his current vantage point is that he isn't sure how to interpret the shakiness or the emotion weighing down Kitty's words.

Maybe he said too much again. There were a few instances with Lucy where he had said more than she was ready to hear; they all worked out, but he clearly didn't learn anything from those experiences. It's just so important to him that the people he loves know that beyond all possible doubt. He doesn't want to chance losing someone before they understand how much they mean to him.

He also doesn't want to chance losing someone because they feel pressured or overwhelmed. It's a complicated dance and he's not the best dancer.]

Do you mean that? [He doesn't move to check her expression. If she is feeling overwhelmed and uncomfortable, he would rather hear it than see it.] If you don't want to hear it, I won't say it again.

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kitty_has_claws
2016-12-16 07:26 pm UTC (link)

[He may not move, but she does. She slides down, staying close, but aligning herself to look at him. The evidence of tears is clear, but she knows he must have heard it.] I meant it. I loved that you said it. [She didn't choose the word "love" there so much as it came out and she hopes it doesn't sound mocking. She isn't and wouldn't mock him.] You make me feel wanted.

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	candothat 2016-12-16 09:04 pm UTC (link)
	You are wanted. That is a fact, not a feeling. [He brings a hand to her cheek and brushes any lingering wetness away with his thumb. Her word choice didn't go unnoticed, but he doesn't interpret it as anything less than sincere.] Why would being wanted make you cry? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kitty_has_claws
2016-12-16 09:15 pm UTC (link)

Just feeling a lot. Good things. Happy tears. Never really got used to guarding myself against those. [There wasn't enough happy. She's not very good at guarding against the sad or frustrated tears anymore either. Walls are down. Not all of them. But enough for that.]

And... I haven't felt that way in a long time. [Which isn't Pavel's shortcoming or Reid's fault. It's a hard thing for her to believe about herself, and it's been compounded things that seem like proof.]

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candothat
2016-12-16 09:45 pm UTC (link)

[Even though making Kitty cry wasn't at the top of his list of things to accomplish this morning, it's a relief that she isn't sad or upset or anything else that he doesn't want to make her feel.]

Kitty... [He doesn't know how to put what he wants to say--you don't need to guard yourself, I'm sorry that I didn't make you feel wanted before now, I hope that you'll feel that way from now on, I love you, I want you, please want me too--into words that make sense, so he shifts to put his arms around her, reversing the position they were in a minute ago. This is what he wants. Not the crying, but to be important to someone because of something other than his smarts. Chekov wants to be the kind of person who can make someone else's life better in a real and meaningful way.

He wants to be wanted, too. Maybe that's all anyone really wants.]

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kitty_has_claws
2016-12-16 10:25 pm UTC (link)

[He has so many unasked questions and she has so many unsaid answers. She was close to catching his lips again and kissing her feelings and thoughts to him. It's not something you can actually do with her mutant powers, but she often acts like it is—pouring herself out to another person in physical shows of affection. But before she can react the way she normally would he reacts in his way, tucking her in close and holding her.

She's slightly stiff at first, partially from not expecting the reversal and partially because now he's the one holding her and she isn't sure how to accept that. How to even admit it might be something she likes. So much of her identity is wrapped up in being "the protector" and unfortunately a failed one by so many of her own measures. But she still doesn't know how to be anything else. She doesn't know how to be protected. But she doesn't pull away or shift their positions. She stays where he maneuvers her and slowly relaxes.]

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candothat
2016-12-16 10:59 pm UTC (link)

[This, to him, seems like the best way to show someone that they're wanted. He likes kissing, but he doesn't know how to convey the kind of affection that he'd like to show Kitty that way. Kissing someone, in his mind, demonstrates passion; holding them demonstrates love. Kitty might need to give him lessons on more subtle forms of nonverbal communication.

Even though she doesn't seem thrilled about his move, he trusts that she'll do something if she doesn't like it. It doesn't occur to him that something as simple (to him) as who is holding whom could be so meaningful. As she relaxes, he strokes her back in the way that he finds particularly comforting.

Not that she needs to be comforted, not really, but it's what he wants to do. He wants to take care of her. There is so much in life that he can't do much about, from the destruction of the Enterprise to Krall's attempt at wiping out a major Federation base. He does his part, of course, but he's not a hero like Captain Kirk. There's always a feeling of helplessness in the face of a major catastrophe because there's so little that he can do on his own.

Here, with Kitty, maybe he can do something. He can't be the hero (that's her job), but he feels like there is something he can do for her.]

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kitty_has_claws
2016-12-16 11:10 pm UTC (link)

[They both have a lot to teach each other. In love or not things are still very new with them as a couple. She wasn't even fully to the point of thinking of them as a couple yet. It's been a really big morning. She nuzzles a little against him as she gets more comfortable. There is still some holding back. Some unconscious need to protect herself from a fall. She trusts Chekov. Instincts are harder to convince.]

I hope you don't hum to me. That would be really embarrassing. [Making fun of herself in this situation and also being not entirely at ease with the quiet.]

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candothat
2016-12-16 11:22 pm UTC (link)

[He needs to remind himself that this is still new. Even though three years passed for him at home, it was only a single night for them here. It's difficult right now to grasp how much time has gone by where. He'll ease up, think things through, and try not to hold on so tightly to something that's so much newer than it seems like it should be.]

It would also be unpleasant for you. I hum badly. [He's not nearly as tone-deaf as he thinks he is. He also kind of liked it when Kitty did it and saying so might embarrass her.]

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	kitty_has_claws 2016-12-16 11:34 pm UTC (link)
	[She likes how he thinks about it. She wants to be there too. She just doesn't want to skip the parts that get her there. It needs to be real. He deserves real. They both do.] I'm not sure I believe you do anything badly. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)