InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Damit thats where I eat dinner"

Euphemia li Britannia (friendly_fire) wrote in marinanova,
@ 2016-05-23 11:29:00

Entry tags:

aidan reilly, euphemia li britannia, lelouch vi britannia, suzaku kururugi

Day 377 Closed Roommate Mingle
[This three-bedroom apartment in Sector 4 has passed through many hands already and it might be getting more crowded now. Too crowded?]

(OOC: Open to Euphemia, Lelouch, Suzaku, Aidan, and anyone they invite over.)

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	whiteknightmare 2016-06-03 03:16 pm UTC (link)
	[ Then he pulls himself back up, swallowing the rest of the sobs, as well as his first... Comment? Question? Along the lines of 'you say that as if you wouldn't be surprised' because that has brought fire back into those eyes which have been dead for weeks. ] Did you always know that, Lelouch? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	1/2? imperious 2016-06-03 03:29 pm UTC (link)
	[ That broken sound stilled him, and for a heartbeat Lelouch regretted everything -- everything -- but then Suzaku recovers from it, and oh... The words land like a slap, startling at first; and the implication in them, what exactly Suzaku is accusing him of, follows like knife. Like a sword. For a few seconds, Lelouch can't even breathe. ] (Reply to this) (Parent)

	2/3 imperious 2016-06-03 03:43 pm UTC (link)
	[ Why did he ever imagine there were depths Suzaku didn't think him capable of sinking to? (And the inner critic hisses: as if you haven't done your damnedest to convince him otherwise.) Why did he even try? (But you didn't, you were too afraid to really* try.) ] [ He aimed* for an explosion, he shouldn't be able to still be so hurt by the shrapnel. ] (Reply to this) (Parent)

	imperious 2016-06-03 03:43 pm UTC (link)
	[ He's so glad he didn't turn, isn't facing Suzaku. So glad. Because it means he can just be angry, without that stricken moment giving away the game completely. ] I think using my little sister as a weapon is more -- your speed, really. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

whiteknightmare
2016-06-03 03:49 pm UTC (link)

[ Well. There goes the fire. Suzaku flinches, then sinks to his knees, starting to gather the pieces of his glass in bare hands. Stupid, so stupid. Not having done one horrible thing, somehow, through no merit of his, doesn't take away all the other horrible things he did do.

He doesn't seek out getting those cuts. He just doesn't care. Doesn't deserve that care.

His voice is quiet and dead once more. ]

Yes. I guess it is.

[ 'Sorry' doesn't mean anything. Nothing means anything. ]

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imperious
2016-06-03 04:07 pm UTC (link)

[ --and damn him, damn you, that's not what he wanted, either. Lelouch stiffens again, hesitates again. Second- and third- and fourth-guesses himself, again.

...He didn't even really notice the fire until he'd already snuffed it out.

There's another beat where he doesn't say anything, just stands there rigidly listening to the sound of glass shuffling across the floor, and then Lelouch turns on his heel.

He had half a dozen things planned to say, depending on what Suzaku's expression was when he finally saw it -- some of them further cruelty, just in case this was a horrible mistake and he needs to shore up his armor again -- but words desert him completely at the sight of Suzaku picking up glass with his bare hands. ]

You.

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	surprise 2/3 sorry! imperious 2016-06-03 04:11 pm UTC (link)
	[ What are you doing, you complete fool? ...What happened to you, between that battle and Kamine Island? (What did he clumsily make worse?) ] (Reply to this) (Parent)

	imperious 2016-06-03 04:25 pm UTC (link)
	[ And then he's closing the distance between them, getting a dish towel and snapping, ] Stop that. You're going to cut yourself. [ and trying not to be perfectly aware that Suzaku might know, might not care. ] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

whiteknightmare
2016-06-03 05:15 pm UTC (link)

[ See, part of the problem is that for somebody as actions-and-consequences focused as Suzaku is, the six weeks or so he's been here have only made things fester. Too little to do - not nothing, because there is Euphie, and there are people to protect and all the things that the Wardens make happen to them, but none of it goes anywhere. None of it.

Back home, in this time he made mistakes and learned from them, maybe.

Here... well.

Suzkau does stop, when Lelouch's words come. He hesitates, then he turns his hands up. One of his palms has a small cut, a bigger one across two of the fingers of his opposite hand.

Then he curls his palms closed. Looks up. His voice is soft, not just quiet and hard, but actually soft. His mouth is almost smiling, even if his eyes are bright with tears he won't let spill. ]

You don't have to, Lelouch. I - thank you for reminding me who I am. You don't have to help me, especially after what I said. I am... I'm very glad that Nunnally is alive. She didn't deserve to be caught in that.

None of them did.

[ So mild. So empty. ]

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	imperious 2016-06-03 05:27 pm UTC (link)
	[ Already kneeling down to collect the glass with the dishtowel. Brooking none of your nonsense. But -- but oh gods, what Suzaku's saying... he stiffens, gaze jerking up to Suzaku's face involuntarily. You don't-- You can't mean that. ] Suzaku. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

whiteknightmare
2016-06-03 08:16 pm UTC (link)

[ More or less this face, sans makeup.

After a long moment of feeling the familiar gaze on him, Suzaku finally raises his eyes to meet it, though there is no clash. There's no steel left in Suzaku's eyes. Not even elasticity. It's not... it's not dead, the way it was after he'd watched Euphie die, but Suzaku turned all that anger and strength against himself and...

He's not that resilient. Not without a cause to keep him going.

After a moment, he just tilts his head to one side. Yes? What's the matter?

There's not even a shred of isn't this what you wanted? because that's not what Suzaku thinks. Just. Quiet curiosity. ]

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imperious
2016-06-03 09:03 pm UTC (link)

[ Lelouch just keeps staring at him. A beat passes, he bites his lip, then -- picks up the rest of the glass and takes it to the trash. The delay doesn't help him think of anything to say, though, and when he comes back to Suzaku he feels every bit as... as useless.

It's that horrible moment after Mao all over again, and he's doing no better this time.

But the cuts catch his eyes, and Lelouch seizes on them. ]

--Your hands. [ Softly, ] Let me.

[ It still feels dangerously vulnerable, because it's also not the moment after Mao; they've hurt each other so much more since then. But he can't say nothing, he can't be useless. ]

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	whiteknightmare 2016-06-03 09:39 pm UTC (link)
	[ They have hurt each other so much, and only one of them can say he's done all of it on purpose. That one is not Lelouch. Suzaku follows the motions that Lelouch makes, then his eyes drop to his own hands. He watches a droplet slide down along the side of his finger. Beat. ] Okay. [ And. ] Please. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

let me know if this isn't okay

imperious
2016-06-03 09:59 pm UTC (link)

[ Somehow he didn't quite expect Suzaku's cooperation. But that little "please"... Lelouch shuts his eyes; opens them again, with more determination. He urges Suzaku to stand, and leads him towards the bathroom. There'll be a medicine cabinet in here -- bandages, surely.

Once he has the cabinet open, rummaging through it with his back to Suzaku and pulling out a small first-aid kit (gauze, scissors, antiseptic...), Lelouch murmurs: ]

We aren't only our ugliest moments. [ Beat. Quieter, ] And if we were -- I'd have no place to judge you.

[ It's not what he wants to say. It's so much weaker than what he wants to say. But. Still a coward. ]

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all good

whiteknightmare
2016-06-04 05:34 am UTC (link)

[ Suzaku is. Complying. His mind is kind of floating in suffocating weightlessness and he has no reason to resist.

Then Lelouch speaks, and Suzaku tilts his head to one side. His eyes focus, at least, though his voice doesn't sound all that much stronger. The fight... it's all gone out of it. Calm and soft and reasonable. ]

Have I ever had other moments? No matter what I mean...

The FLEIJA missile was on my knightmare frame because I wanted to show Nina that we didn't need it. It would have been such a good thing to teach, right?

[ He considers the statement for another moment. ]

The difference is that you always knew you were on a path that was going to hurt people, didn't you? And I always chose the other road, and ended up hurting even more.

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imperious
2016-06-04 08:55 pm UTC (link)

[ Gods. Lelouch's hands still on the first-aid kit and he has to work to get them moving again. Have I ever had other moments? He has to shut his eyes to keep the sting at bay. ]

Yes, I did. [ "The path of blood", Kirihara had called it. ] I knew I couldn't crush a global superpower without killing -- a lot of people along the way.

[ More softly: ] But that's hardly the only difference between us, Suzaku. You didn't choose to push that button. And you tried to warn me. [ Smallest smile. ] Which is probably why the destruction of the Tokyo Settlement was on my list of crimes, too.

[ He lets that settle, but doesn't quite give Suzaku time to protest before adding, firmly, ] And you're the biggest fool I've ever known, but of course you've had other moments.

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Sob.

whiteknightmare
2016-06-04 09:42 pm UTC (link)

[ Right now, Suzaku doesn't believe he's had other moments. None of them that just stayed untainted. Even the brief moments of happiness he'd had with Lelouch and Nunnally when they were so much younger - they were destroyed when he killed his father.

When he. killed. his father.

Why did he ever think he could be more than a killer? More than a monster? More than despicable?

No. He doesn't believe he's ever done better, not right now. He's just not going to argue. If he tries to argue, he'll end up in the same state of lashing out at Lelouch, back to the same thing. Never better. If he stays in this. Grayness, abrasive and merciless though it may be, at least he won't fall into the same prideful, arrogant behavior. Right? ]

It was not an intended consequence for you, Lelouch. I had the missile. I pulled the trigger. The latter may be on both of us. The former is not.

[ But even right now, his mind is working, working, working. Why is it not the same with Euphie? Because Euphie would never have done what the geass made her do. While Suzaku had the missile with him.

That's the difference. That was his choice. Having the missile did make possible the choice not to fire it, but it made equally possible the choice to do it, too. He would use Nunnally to get back to Lelouch. He would use the risk of the death of millions to prove a point. (It had still been an unintended consequence for Lelouch. Admitting that even in the silence of his mind tears something inside Suzaku. But he cannot not admit it, either.)

He closes his eyes. ]

Yes. The biggest fool.

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imperious
2016-06-04 09:50 pm UTC (link)

[ No. His intended consequence with the live geass was for Suzaku to... live. Nothing beyond that. And even then, that command had been made in an impulsive, desperate moment. There hadn't been any... real plan at all, because his real plan had been to never use this power on Suzaku. But he says, softly: ]

You said you had it with you because you wanted to show Nina it wasn't necessary. ...What do you think she'd have done with it, if you hadn't volunteered to be the carrier?

[ Because. Lelouch can hazard a few guesses, both purely logical and from conversations with the woman herself. "Never used FLEIJA at all, thereby sparing everyone" is not the correct answer, even if Suzaku is self-flagellating enough to think otherwise. ]

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whiteknightmare
2016-06-05 02:15 pm UTC (link)

[ Suzaku considers, his train of thought ricocheting against Lelouch's question and moving in the new direction. After a moment. ]

She would have made sure that somebody else would have had it, later. It would probably not have been nearly as bad. Not by the numbers.

[ Maybe Anya would have gotten it. Either way, the use would have been strategic, thought out. Purposeful. Still horrible, but not... not that. Not that. ]

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imperious
2016-06-06 12:02 am UTC (link)

[ A small, frustrated noise, but he's ready for this response, too. ]

All right. Let's say that's exactly what happens.

[ He turns back, and reaches for Suzaku's hand, to start disinfecting the first of the cuts. ]

What next, do you suppose?

[ Apart from, And then I would have died, because Lelouch is all too aware of that, and he will -- he doesn't know. Strike you, maybe. ]

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whiteknightmare
2016-06-06 06:53 pm UTC (link)

[ To Suzaku's credit, he doesn't actually think about saying that at all. In his mind, there is no doubt that if the FLEIJA hadn't been at hand, he'd have found another way to obey the geass.

No... Suzaku actually hasn't thought that far. His mind bumps into that, and he finally, finally focuses on Lelouch again, frowning just a little. He holds up his hand without hesitation, however. ]

What is the use of what-ifs? I shot the missile, Lelouch. There is no way for me to undo that, no matter the wishful thinking, is there?

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	imperious 2016-06-06 07:42 pm UTC (link)
	This isn't about wishful thinking. [ His eyes flit up to Suzaku's face and he scowls at him. ] I'm not talking about undoing anything. [ And then his gaze drops back down again, to the cuts. More disinfectant. ] ...I'm just saying. What you did had many consequences. Some of them... important. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	whiteknightmare 2016-06-07 05:53 am UTC (link)
	[ Lelouch! He didn't plan on focus, let alone steel in his eyes, ever again, and yet here we are. ] You said that you coming from later on was unimportant. [ Look, Suzaku isn't even mad or betrayed about it. Lelouch lying to him is par for the course, at this point, and he's done his share of the same, after all. But he is exasperated. ] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

imperious
2016-06-07 10:14 pm UTC (link)

[ It's so, so hard not to snap back. He bites his tongue, hard, for a long moment, focusing on the cuts instead of saying a damned thing. But finally, keeping his eyes lowered of course, Lelouch mutters, ]

My being from a few months in your future isn't significant. [ Willing his voice to stay steady. He still believes this. ] That doesn't mean nothing you did mattered.

--The scope of the destruction, to a civilian population, was very eye-opening for some important people. [ Privately, he counts you among them. ] If you hadn't pushed that button...

[ A small, tight shrug. If Nina hadn't defected, if Suzaku hadn't been on Kamine Island to witness all that he had... hell, if Lelouch himself hadn't thought he'd had nothing left to lose... Quietly: ]

I realize you have no reason to believe me, but our world would not be changed for the better.

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whiteknightmare
2016-06-14 06:39 am UTC (link)

The things that you have seen and done and know in those months seem to be significant.

[ He's. Focused, at least, even if the hardness has mellowed again. He lowers his eyes, watching the cuts on his hand. Thinking. He doesn't have the strategic mind that Lelouch does, but he can draw some conclusions, from what he's known about Lelouch and the situation in the Empire.

He's not denying the words outright, but he's also... ]

Ten million people died. You cannot tell me there could not have been another way.

[ He feels like he might be sick. ]

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imperious, 2016-06-14 01:20 pm UTC

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