Sob.
[ Right now, Suzaku doesn't believe he's had other moments. None of them that just stayed untainted. Even the brief moments of happiness he'd had with Lelouch and Nunnally when they were so much younger - they were destroyed when he killed his father.
When he. killed. his father.
Why did he ever think he could be more than a killer? More than a monster? More than despicable?
No. He doesn't believe he's ever done better, not right now. He's just not going to argue. If he tries to argue, he'll end up in the same state of lashing out at Lelouch, back to the same thing. Never better. If he stays in this. Grayness, abrasive and merciless though it may be, at least he won't fall into the same prideful, arrogant behavior. Right? ]
It was not an intended consequence for you, Lelouch. I had the missile. I pulled the trigger. The latter may be on both of us. The former is not.
[ But even right now, his mind is working, working, working. Why is it not the same with Euphie? Because Euphie would never have done what the geass made her do. While Suzaku had the missile with him.
That's the difference. That was his choice. Having the missile did make possible the choice not to fire it, but it made equally possible the choice to do it, too. He would use Nunnally to get back to Lelouch. He would use the risk of the death of millions to prove a point. (It had still been an unintended consequence for Lelouch. Admitting that even in the silence of his mind tears something inside Suzaku. But he cannot not admit it, either.)