InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Who. Am. IIIIIIIIIIIIIII?"

Dr. Spencer Reid (thisiscalm) wrote in marinanova,
@ 2014-03-17 15:16:00

Entry tags:

artemis crock, bonnie bennett, data, elena gilbert, ianto jones, kitty pryde (aoa), piter de vries, rebecca crane, sam winchester, spencer reid, tieria erde, zatanna zatara

263 // audio
[ It's now or never and although he was hoping that some time would push that towards now rather than never, Reid really doesn't feel like he's ready. He feels raw and exhausted and although he's pushed himself to go out and get some clothes that aren't borrowed from Karev's closet, he's so not in a place where public announcements are possible.

But he has to. Now or never. Movements dull, he reaches for the communicator. ]

...░m back. [ A stretch of static-y silence. ] I'm so░▒y.

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	kitty_has_claws 2014-03-17 04:15 pm UTC (link)
	I kind of figured you might be a little older. [She reaches up with her free hand to brush back his longer hair.] It works for you. [But she's sure it's not just that.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	thisiscalm 2014-03-17 04:23 pm UTC (link)
	[There's an attempt at a smile. It's not very effective. ] I... I met someone. [ And he should be following that up with something reassuring, but just alluding to Maeve makes him all choked up. ] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kitty_has_claws 2014-03-17 04:26 pm UTC (link)
	[That's one way to get her to withdraw her hand from his hair. The other stays in his grasp, but it goes limp. Widened eyes just watching him in stunned silence.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

thisiscalm
2014-03-17 04:30 pm UTC (link)

[ Where do you even go from there? It's a start on something he doesn't know how to finish and what sucks even more is that Kitty is his best friend. He should be able to tell her anything but he can't tell her this in a way that won't break her heart and so he just soldiers on, says whatever is within his grasp. ]

Her name's Maeve... she's a geneticist. Right before- [ Choked up. He swallows. ] Right before I... I came back.

She was killed.

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kitty_has_claws
2014-03-17 04:36 pm UTC (link)

[He met someone else. Of course he did. She didn't understand how he'd gone this long without meeting someone special. He... He's so amazing. If they couldn't be together then she'd want him to be happy. To be loved.

But... But they are together. And he's not happy.

She just spent five devastating days feeling like she'd lost him and he just lost someone too. So for all the pain and conflict and fear inside her right now, there's really only one option for what she should do in this moment.

She hugs him again.]

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thisiscalm
2014-03-17 04:44 pm UTC (link)

[ He didn't expect the hug but right now he's not expecting a lot of things and this right here is why he wants to say that he loves her. Why it hurts so much that he can't when it should be the easiest thing in the world — she may have lost him but he lost both of them, albeit in different ways.

There's a sharp intake of air and then he crumbles against her, fingers curling into the fabric of her clothes and as much as he doesn't want to do that here, now, with her... he does. He's not done. May never be done.

At least the sobs are mostly silent. ]

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kitty_has_claws
2014-03-17 04:52 pm UTC (link)

[She tightens her hold, but she can't cry again. She can't cry because that would mean she thinks she's losing...lost him. And she can't think that. Not now when she just got him back. It can't mean that. It just...it can't. So she'll just hold him because she loves him and cares about him and he's hurting. He needs her. It's something, right? There can't be nothing if there's something.

I met someone.]

...It's okay.

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thisiscalm
2014-03-17 04:58 pm UTC (link)

[ His turn to shake his head — no, it really isn't. Nothing about this is okay and he doesn't even know how to continue from here. What does he say? He can't talk about Maeve with her unprompted, not more than he already has and even that feels like too much even tho it's the bare minimum.

He also can't say that he loves her, even though it's probably still true somewhere under all that grief. Can't say they'll be okay, because he can't even convince himself of it right now. ]

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kitty_has_claws
2014-03-17 05:03 pm UTC (link)

Okay... It's not, but it will be. It gets better at least. [Hey, she's lost a lot of people she loves too.

Did he love her?

She wants to ask, but she doesn't want to know. Along with was she pretty? Smart? She was a geneticist. Of course she was smart. But the real question for her are more like "is she prettier than me. smarter than me?" ...Kinder than me. Less complicated. Not an assassin...]

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thisiscalm
2014-03-17 05:17 pm UTC (link)

[ He did love her. He loved her a lot for never having met her and some of that love came from her being his first. The first to pay attention, to like him, to love him. That's not true here. Here, Kitty claimed those firsts and many more and sooner or later when this has all evened out, she'll win. She will, even if he doesn't feel that way right now. ]

I'm sorry, I... [ Deep, shaky breath and then he pulls back, head bowed as he wipes at his eyes. ] I shouldn't. It's not fair to you.

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	kitty_has_claws 2014-03-17 05:20 pm UTC (link)
	No... I want to help. [Just like it wasn't fair when she cried on Tyki last night but he still held her. She reaches out to brush back his hair again.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	thisiscalm 2014-03-17 05:35 pm UTC (link)
	I don't know if you can. [ Voice the size of an ant. He really wants her to help. She's his best friend. He's just not sure how that would even happen. ] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kitty_has_claws 2014-03-17 05:37 pm UTC (link)
	Then I just want to try. [She leans in, kissing his temple softly.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	thisiscalm 2014-03-17 05:39 pm UTC (link)
	[ There's a shuddering breath. Stop being so sweet. He can't handle this right now. ] ...What do you want to know..? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kitty_has_claws 2014-03-17 05:41 pm UTC (link)
	[Everything. But mostly...do you still love me?] ...What's wrong with your arm? [Yeah, she noticed.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	thisiscalm 2014-03-17 05:45 pm UTC (link)
	I, uh... [ Shaky inhale. This is actually an easy thing to answer. ] I got shot. Karev stitched me up. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kitty_has_claws 2014-03-17 05:46 pm UTC (link)
	[That's why she threw him a softball. But, wait, what?] You saw Karev already? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	thisiscalm 2014-03-17 05:48 pm UTC (link)
	[ A nod. ] I came in with the rest of the newcomers yesterday. I should've called you, but- I couldn't. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kitty_has_claws
2014-03-17 05:53 pm UTC (link)

You...

[In some ways this hurts more than hearing he met someone. That wasn't his choice. He wouldn't have remembered her there. But this? He came back and he knew he should have called and he just didn't?

He just let her feel that way all day? All the crushing hopelessnes and despair?

This time she does pull away, getting to her feet. She doesn't leave, but she has to get some distance. Some pacing.]

Do you have any idea what... [Her voice starts to tremble so she stops herself, reaching for her cigarettes instead, turned away.]

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thisiscalm
2014-03-17 05:58 pm UTC (link)

[ Truth be told, this wasn't really his choice either. He came in bleeding. Heartbroken. If he thought that he could've gotten a word out without breaking down completely he would've called her, but waiting those 24 hours allowed him to do this and even now he's barely keeping it together.

Barely. Less than that once she pulls away. Such a bad idea. ]

I'm sorry. I am... I just- [ Choked up. ] She barely had time to hit the floor, Kitty. And then I was here again.

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kitty_has_claws
2014-03-17 06:04 pm UTC (link)

[She closes her eyes, hearing the pain in his voice.] I would have been there for you. [They could have been there for each other. She feels sick to her stomach. Hard to say if it's from emotional turmoil or the alcohol or both.

It feels a little like Piotr. She didn't phase because she was so sure he could never hurt her like that. She didn't try calling his communicator yesterday because she knew he'd never leave her hurting like that.]

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	thisiscalm 2014-03-17 06:07 pm UTC (link)
	I know you would've. I know. You're here now... aren't you? Even though I- [ Fell in love with someone else and couldn't say that he loved her back. To either of them. ] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kitty_has_claws 2014-03-17 06:12 pm UTC (link)
	Reid... [As hurt and raw as she feels right now, she can't inflict more pain on him. Not when she can see how much he's breaking. She slowly turns back to look at him. They make a sorry pair right now. If they can even be called a pair anymore.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	thisiscalm 2014-03-17 06:14 pm UTC (link)
	[ He keeps his head bowed, hand pressed against his eyes. No crying. No crying. Okay, he's definitely crying. ] I didn't want to hurt you. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kitty_has_claws 2014-03-17 06:18 pm UTC (link)
	[She drops the cigarette as much as she wants more of it. She steps on it before walking back to him, this time kneeling in front of him. Hands resting on his legs.] You're making it pretty hard to stay mad at you. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)