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Tweak says, "Longcat is looooooooooooooong."

Tear Grants (mysterymelody) wrote in marinanova,
@ 2013-09-18 18:35:00

Entry tags:

:mingle, annabelle, buffy summers, hei, hikaru hitachiin, kitty pryde (aoa), matt donovan, sougo okita, spencer reid, tear grants, toul, yuuki kuran

[Day 237] Fear of Abandonment Therapy mingle
[The call to those placed in abandonment therapy simply says to head to the Sector 5 prayer facility, and that's all-- not even that this has to do with those insecure feelings of yours. Posted arrows point the way down to the meditation room that has been filled up with several tables, two completely lined with coffees, teas, and bite sized refreshments ranging from cookies and pastries to sliced fruit and veggies. Plates and napkins are stacked up, and if you want a fork, they're there too.

The third table is larger and round, for that feeling of closeness, with chairs set up and for each seat a set of papers is waiting neatly on the table surface along with a pen. Topmost is a questionnaire with instructions to put detailed responses, be honest, and discuss with another attendee, with questions such as:

Do you get anxious if you cannot see or speak to someone close to you at any given moment?
Are you constantly haunted by the idea that someone may eventually leave you?
Do you put up with negative or even abusive behavior from someone just to keep from being alone?
Did someone important to you exit your life when you were young? How did you feel?
What exactly are you afraid of, beyond the indistinct label of "being abandoned"?

The second is a page with the heading "Make a list of all the people in your life, and determine how devastated you would be if those people left and why. Try to cut the unhealthy relationships, and distance a bit from even the good to build your independence!" and a few extra blank sheets of paper in case the one isn't enough.

Small cards are also scattered in the center of the table, printed with positive tips to help the process of healing.

"Often when people are abandoned (whether because someone leaves or even dies), they feel utterly hopeless and helpless. But you are never helpless.

Nothing lasts forever, so enjoy where you're at and whom you're with.

Abandonment issues aren't always easy to recognize, but can be worked through in a loving relationship.

Try to challenge yourself to be alone for extended periods of time without giving into the urge to reach out immediately and connect to someone."

[[ooc: mingle! you know how it goes by now, use these examples or come up with better ones if you want!]]

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thisiscalm
2013-09-20 05:04 pm UTC (link)

[ The Nile isn't just a river in Egypt and this is as good a time as any to press a little. Hey, he's got a BA in Psychology and plenty of experience with therapy. If it can shift the focus off himself, then why not? ]

I can think of better things to do... but we don't have much of a choice. Might as well make the most of it, right? Who knows, maybe it'll even make us feel better in the end.

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	trappedinresin 2013-09-20 07:27 pm UTC (link)
	I doubt it. [Staring blindly at her paper.] The only people who are here are individuals who already know what it feels like to have been abandoned. Talking about it wont make what happened better. [The pain wont disappear. It wont change the past.] And it's only natural to not want to experience that again. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

thisiscalm
2013-09-23 11:34 am UTC (link)

I agree. [ But this is Honesty Hour and he's not done. It's difficult to not psychoanalyse yourself at least a little when you spend your days analyzing everything else. ]

But I have to admit... if I had continued the way I did back home when I arrived here, I would've missed out on so much. Maybe talking won't make what happened in the past any better, but it can bring the closure we need to take that risk again.

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trappedinresin
2013-09-23 02:15 pm UTC (link)

I don't know how I feel about it all.

[Genuine. Maybe some of it has been wrong, but in the end would she do anything differently if she could go back now? She's not so sure.]

I've lost all of my family. Big Brother is all that I have left. This form makes it sound like it's wrong to want to be together. By now many sad things have happened, but even still he's the only person who can live as long as I can.

[He promised her eternity right before he abandoned her.]

He kept me secret all that time. He said we'd always be together... I don't want everything to have been for nothing.

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	thisiscalm 2013-09-24 02:18 pm UTC (link)
	Yuuki... [ What do you say to that? He can't even imagine what it's like, or maybe he can. Being abandoned can cripple you, but only if you... well. Follow the advice of this therapy session. ] I'm so sorry. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

trappedinresin
2013-09-24 07:32 pm UTC (link)

I just don't understand. . .

[Drawing her tea up, she takes a sip, holding it between her fingers. Her plate of snacks is empty by now. She toys with getting more-- something to give her an excuse to cut the conversation short.

In the end though, she surprises herself. It's so upsetting. All of it bottled up inside that it just continues to spill out.]

Why did he wake me up, if in the end he was just going to leave me? [Throat tight, she swallows thickly, heart heavy. Her bangs shield her eyes.]

I tried... I tried so hard to be the person he wanted me to be. To make him happy. [She kept her hair long. She wore the clothes he bought her, even took to wearing high heeled shoes because that is what he wanted her to do.

She scrubs a hand across her eyes.]

It always felt like he was so far away. His eyes were always so lonely. And I know I can be selfish. Even he agreed that I-- that I'm a terrible fiance.

[Her voice lowers to a whisper.]

But he promised me forever.

[When nights grew unbearable and it felt like sorrow would crush her entirely, she clung to the fact that they would always be together. He loved her, despite the fact that she was so imperfect.]

Even though I was so lonely, even though I wasn't allowed to call or even write to anyone. And all those days blurred together, locked away in the basement, it was that fact that got me through.

[She owed him her life and her all. But everything eventually burned to the ground.]

But in the end I messed up somewhere along the way. I wasn't enough to keep him happy and help him through his despair. He's given up, and can no longer even tolerate the existence of beings like us. And because of all that, innocent people have died. And continue to.

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thisiscalm
2013-09-25 04:36 pm UTC (link)

Yuuki...

[ This is so much of a text book example that it could lay grounds for... well, an entire text book. Stockholm syndrome, physical and emotional abuse, dominance with potential sociopathic undertones (he'd have to hear a lot more to make that call)... maybe Yuuki's bad grades had nothing to do with her and everything to do with the environment. Actually, hearing this... he's sure of it. ]

It wasn't your fault. It's not your responsibility to make someone else happy, especially not at the cost of your own happiness.

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trappedinresin
2013-09-25 05:05 pm UTC (link)

[She shakes her head. Fingers curl to crinkle the questionnaire beneath them. It's the same thing Zero has said, but it's so much easier put into words than action.]

I had been happy. All I had ever wanted was to be together. But then...

[Nothing had turned out like she had dreamed and thought it would. She scrubs another stray tear from her eyes.]

Everything just fell apart. ['Not her fault'. If only he knew.] So many lives have been destroyed, and people used because he wanted to protect me. [Even her dearest, most precious friend lost his family and humanity all for the sake of her protection.]

It hurt. Because of me, those people-- [She shakes her head, swallowing thickly. Their lives were ruined.] He tried to teach me once that... no matter how hard you try, it doesn't matter. That in the end it's impossible for me. He wanted me to realize my powerlessness. And it made me so sad...

[Just the memory tears her apart. If she had done anything different, would it have helped? He'd given her that taste of freedom only to try and teach her that everything she had hoped to accomplish was useless.]

In the end, it's because he felt so hopeless that he said those things, right? Because an eternity taught him loss. I felt so lost because even though I was right beside him, all he had been able to say were words full of despair. He's my family. I should have been able to do something.

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thisiscalm
2013-09-27 06:12 pm UTC (link)

Yuuki, listen to me. [ He shifts a little closer in his seat, voice low and steady. ] From what you've just told me, he sounds exactly like the type of men I put in prison back home. He's manipulative, physically and emotionally abusive... you said he locked you in a basement?

I don't know him, but I'd like to think I know you a little bit and I can't think of anything you could possibly have done to deserve that.

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trappedinresin
2013-09-27 11:43 pm UTC (link)

It's not...

[A pause, while she tries to calm down and find her words. Licking her lips she starts again.]

I wasn't allowed to leave because he was trying to protect me. Politically, after he killed the senate... [Well... of course it would be dangerous. While Kaname has done many horrible things, somehow, she doesn't want Reid to think that he's merely a monster. He's still the brother and fiance that she loves. A person who cherished and protected her.]

The senate was working along side my uncle who attacked my school in order to get to me. Even a number of corrupted hunters. [One of her crimes is her help in the death of her uncle when she had to defend herself and her home.]

I didn't agree with what he did that time, but even so...

[He wanted to protect her. Their government had become corrupt.]

Mother and Father raised me in the same place. It's not like the room. I only had to stay in the room because I...refused to eat properly.It's not what you think...

[It's just she wouldn't use her fangs. He wanted to teach her to use them.]

My uncle killed my real brother, so... they just wanted to keep me protected. Kaname wanted to do the same, so he brought me back to our original home. Not everything about him is bad... please don't think such.

[Closing her eyes.]

He's not fully without a heart. I want to find him. And stop him. [Until she can do that she wont ever be able to rest. That person still fully floods her very being.]

He told me that if he couldn't live with me, then he'd rather that I kill him with my own hands, or that he kill me with his. Kaname could never hurt me. [She can't picture that sort of future, when he's done so much to keep her safe and protected, even at the expense of others.] And I... I don't want to hurt him, either.

[It's why all her pondering at home came down to a rather hopeless and self destructive decision.]

I just wish things were the way they were before it got so confusing.

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	thisiscalm 2013-09-30 05:51 pm UTC (link)
	[ Whoa whoa, okay. It's clear that they need to back up a bit here because it is massively confusing and not even he can really straighten it out just with this. He shifts his weight, voice low and even. ] How about you start from the beginning? Explain to me what's going on... take your time. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

trappedinresin
2013-09-30 07:48 pm UTC (link)

[Ah-- she doesn't even know where to begin. The beginning? Her head tips down and she stares back down at her paper. A lot has happened over the years. But maybe it was best to start with her real brother.]

It's just sad... I'm not sure where to start.[She draws a breath. Until not all that long ago, much of this information had been kept from her. It wasn't until after it was revealed that her fiance left.]

Before I was born, mother and father had a child. They named him Kaname, the same name as the ancestor of the family. But the day he was born... my uncle killed him. He... [Having seen the memory through her beloved, it was sickening and horrible. A truly monstrous act.] My uncle...used his body to revive our ancestor. The pureblood don't die... but even so, our ancestor had been asleep for thousands of years. Because of that his body was very decayed. He hadn't...ever wanted to awaken.

[Closing her eyes she fights the tears that brim within them once more.]

When our ancestor realized that he had been awoken by such an innocent and terrible sacrifice, he... erased his own memories, and took on the form of an infant in my real brothers place. Both mother and father realized what happened, but raised him all the same.

[She's quiet for a time, and shakes her head.] It-- it probably doesn't make a lot of sense to someone who is human. [Their lifespan and concerns. It's all supernatural, and even to Yuuki it's difficult to really grasp sometimes.]

I...was born so that I could be with big brother. With Kaname, that is. We were engaged. Just like mother and father.

[She's a little too upset at the moment to spend much effort in being embarrassed. There's a small touch of hesitancy in her voice.]

For the pureblood it's-- It's normal to marry your sibling. Mother and Father were siblings. And-- even though he's a terrible person, Uncle Rido had coveted mother. [The depth of his lust was not something she wanted to remember or focus upon though. She clears her throat.] E-Even though the wardens here said it's a crime, it... is not at home. I was truly happy to know that we'd get married. Just like our parents.

[Although that seemed like an impossible dream, now.]

I didn't know what had happened to my real brother back then. Or that there had ever been someone outside of the Kaname I knew. But- because of what had happened to him, mother and father had wanted to keep my existence a secret. They wanted to protect me.

[She shrugs a little.]

So my home was within the basement of one of mother and father's residences. There weren't any windows, and I was never allowed upstairs. Just in the rooms beneath. If Uncle Rido discovered my existence, then they knew that he would attack me, too. So until I was five, I grew up with just my immediate family down below.

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thisiscalm
2013-10-17 04:04 pm UTC (link)

[ It is a lot to take in and he is, as she pointed out, human. Questions are buzzing in his head, about their method of reproduction, the dangers of inbreeding, customs, norms, but that's not why they're here and so he forces it to the very back of his head. Some other time, maybe.

Shifting in his seat, Reid slides a hand across the table. Not to grab her hand, but to offer a bit of contact if she wants it. ]

Yuuki... I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what it must've been like to grow up in such a complicated environment.

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It's just fine! /gobbles it up!

trappedinresin
2013-10-17 07:42 pm UTC (link)

[A watery smile is given in response. In the end she does take the hand, while her opposite one lifts to try and scrub away the tears.]

Sorry. I'm not normally so emotional or talkative. [Well, maybe she can be emotional, but there it is.]

I know it sounds complicated but it hadn't been. Not to me. I was happy because being with them was all I knew.

[To an innocent child, she'd only obeyed the only rules she had ever known. And she knows that they had all loved her very much.] Even though I had always wanted to see what it looked like outside, I would have stayed in there forever if it meant it would have kept them safe.

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	thisiscalm 2013-10-20 12:06 pm UTC (link)
	[ Good girl. He gives her a little reassuring squeeze. Physical contact was so never his thing, but Kitty may just have opened him up to how powerful it can be. ] You're a very good person, Yuuki. [ Maybe more than she realizes, but he's not getting into all that. ] If you ever need to talk... you can come to me, okay? It'll stay between the two of us. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

trappedinresin
2013-10-20 12:20 pm UTC (link)

[To be honest, she's never had someone to talk to about anything. It isn't like she can tell Kaname, when he's the source of her current problems. And she can't really speak to Zero when he hates that person so much.

And they're more recently recovering.

With another weak smile she squeezes his hand in return. Something to hold onto.]

I don't know about that. [Being a good person.] But thank you. [A little embarrassed after everything she glances up at him and nods.]

I appreciate it.

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	thisiscalm 2013-10-20 12:27 pm UTC (link)
	The offer isn't going anywhere. We have to look after each other around here, right? [ Something he had back home, only then it was confined to his team. The longer he's here, the more he realizes how widely spread that sense of family is becoming. As frightening and heart-breaking as that can be, he really wouldn't want it any other way. ] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

trappedinresin
2013-10-20 12:37 pm UTC (link)

You too.

[It goes both ways. Yuuki has her fair share of problems. More... than just a little. But at the very least she's a good listener. It's easier for her to comfort than be the one to admit she might have any sort of problems at all.]

If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. [Her smile widens just a little, while she continues to clear her eyes.]

After helping me with the concert, I really owe you.

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	thisiscalm 2013-10-20 01:03 pm UTC (link)
	[ Peas in a pod over here, if only on this particular thing. ] Don't mention it, it was fun! Thank you for giving me the chance. (Reply to this) (Parent)

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