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Tweak says, "Rarr."

Myka Bering (agent_bering) wrote in makebelievecomm,
@ 2013-10-05 17:52:00

Entry tags:

h.g. wells, myka bering

Sent Saturday Morning
[Text for Helena Sr.]
>> You've been quiet for going on two days now. Is something bothering you?

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	Return Texts agent_bering 2013-10-05 09:49 am UTC (link)
	>> Oh. Yes, I'm here for you. Of course I'll talk with you. Do you want me to come over there? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Return Texts indelibleink 2013-10-05 11:57 pm UTC (link)
	>> May I come to your room instead? >> I do not wish to disturb Joan. Or risk her over-hearing things. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Return Texts agent_bering 2013-10-06 12:35 am UTC (link)
	>> Oh, right. Of course. Absolutely you can come over here. >> Now is fine. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

indelibleink
2013-10-06 01:24 am UTC (link)

[Return Text]

>> I shall be over shortly.

************************************************************

While Helena wasn't entirely certain that she was ready for this conversation, she knew she shouldn't avoid it. And if she spent much longer putting it off, then she wouldn't be getting anywhere. Especially with Myka knowing something was bothering her, it would only be a matter of time before this conversation happened. So best to do it now and get it over with before much more time passed. Setting her phone aside, not wanting to have interruptions during this, Helena first ensured her younger self was occupied with something constructive before she left her room and walked over to Myka's.

Knocking on the door, Helena brushed a hand through her long raven hair, briefly thinking she needed a haircut as it was getting rather long now. Perhaps one of these days she would go have that done. And possibly getting a couple new ear piercings. She'd noticed how in the episodes of her television show in season four that she'd seen, she'd had new ear piercings and she did rather like them.

Yet as she waited for Myka to answer the door, Helena couldn't help but be incredibly anxious. She was trying to figure out how she'd even start the conversation. Helena had never been good at these types of conversations, the ones where she had to focus on the sins she'd committed. But in order to move forward, she needed to talk to Myka about the things that had largely gone unsaid between them. There had been previous acknowledgements of Helena's betrayal, but no in-depth conversation. And Helena honestly didn't understand how Myka didn't simply hate her, and she needed to understand that.

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agent_bering
2013-10-06 09:21 am UTC (link)

Myka was quick to answer the door. She knew, while Helena needed to be given the room to heal from her emotional wounds, a stewing Helena was not a good thing. She would always be there to talk to Helena if her closest friend needed it.

She gave Helena a warm smiled, one she hoped conveyed understanding, and motioned for her to come in.

“I already asked for tea.” She pointed to the coffee table where a teapot and cups were already arranged on a tray – the staff had already delivered.

And before Helena could say anything else, Myka was stepping forward and wrapping her arms around her. Holding her so close.

“You can tell me anything, okay?”

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indelibleink
2013-10-06 05:22 pm UTC (link)

Seeing that smile was encouraging, but Helena was still anxious. Though seeing that there was tea already set for them, Helena smiled softly herself. Yes, tea was definitely going to be needed. She really didn't know how long this talk would take or if it would lead to them fighting or what. Helena just knew it was going to be a difficult discussion.

When Myka wrapped her arms around her and held her close, Helena's own arms slid around Myka, returning the embrace fully. Resting her chin on Myka's shoulder, she closed her eyes and drew in some strength from the embrace to help start the conversation. She gently rubbed a hand against Myka's back in a note of thanks and understanding. She knew she could tell Myka anything, it was largely just a matter for Helena to have the courage to talk. It was difficult for her to open up to others, she tended to keep personal things close to her heart. But she was wanting to talk with Myka in order to try and understand things better.

After several moments, she pulled back from the embrace, giving Myka a little smile. "Thank you, love," she said, her mind still trying to find how to begin this conversation. So she moved over to the couch and sat down, taking time to pour some tea into the two cups. She then took her cup in hand and looked at it momentarily before she looked to Myka. "We need to talk about what I did to you, the lies and betrayal," she phrased bluntly yet carefully. She didn't want to attach the topic of forgiveness to this conversation, not yet. She didn't want it to seem like she was asking for it because she wasn't. Helena well knew the things she had done were unforgivable. "We never have spoken about it save for a couple brief acknowledgements that I was wrong, and it is something we need to discuss because there are things I need to understand." Her tone was softer than normal, but serious.

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agent_bering
2013-10-07 07:59 am UTC (link)

“Oh.” Myka experienced a brief moment of embarrassed realization. It was hard to remember they were all from different points in time, her, Claudia, and Helena. They just all fit together so seamlessly. But yes, Helena was from much earlier than Myka – not even from Myka’s time line, as Artie had changed it all when he had used the Astrolabe. Though very much still Helena, Myka had to remind herself they were almost from two different worlds.

“Yes, we can talk about that.” She took her own cup in hand after sitting down, but didn’t drink. “Where do you want to start?”

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indelibleink
2013-10-07 07:22 pm UTC (link)

That was the question, wasn't it? Where would this conversation start? Helena didn't even really know where a good starting point would be. There was the obvious starting with when MacPherson had unbronzed her, but the roots of why Helena had done what she'd done were from long before that. Her descent into madness in the 1890s which had then become compounded by the one hundred and ten years she was in the Bronze Sector completely conscious. Even now she still had some mental scars from that, she just never talked about them.

"There is starting with when MacPherson unbronzed me, but we both know the reasons that ultimately pushed me to do what I did began in the 1890s." She took a sip of her tea, but kept the cup in her hands as she drew in a breath. "I know what I did was wrong. And you were right, what you said to me at Yellowstone. There was a part of me that knew what I was doing was wrong. Yet I could not stop myself, not when my emotions control me that strongly."

Helena paused then, her gaze looking into the tea for some moments before she looked up at Myka, a deep regret permeating her eyes. "I did many horrible things, and I know I can never make amends for what I did. Murder, lies and betrayal are not easily remedied. Of all the guilt and regret I carry, none is more potent than my regret and guilt for what I did to you." Which was the truth, she hated so much that she'd driven Myka away from the Warehouse, she'd hated that she'd lied to her and betrayed her. And for what?

Well, Helena's answer to that particular question was one she'd never voiced to anyone.

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agent_bering
2013-10-07 09:04 pm UTC (link)

Myka did know all of this – Helena’s feelings about what she’d done leading up to Yellowstone. The regret and the sorrow. They’d been able to see each other a few times before the explosion that took out the Warehouse (and Artie’s subsequent actions to restore it.) And not just talked – worked together, rebuilt their trust in one another.

She reached for Helena’s hand. Wanting to convey with touch what she was going to say in words. “I’m willing to listen, of course, if you need to talk it all out. But you should know up front I’ve forgiven you for that.”

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indelibleink
2013-10-07 10:39 pm UTC (link)

"Why?" Helena responded. And she really did want to know the answer. "When you were here before, I'd asked you the same question, but you never really gave me a reason why. I don't understand why you've forgiven me. By all accounts you should hate me, you have every reason to." Of course, Helena's words carried more than one meaning. While on the surface, it carried the fact she didn't understand why Myka had forgiven her, it also carried the insinuation that Helena was extremely critical of herself. Despite the sacrifice she'd made to save Myka, Pete and Artie when the Warehouse blew up, Helena did still largely view herself as the villain.

In part, the younger Helena's presence was a constant stressor on that topic. After all, the eleven year old was a reminder of who Helena had once been, everything she'd lost to her anger, hate and grief. She never could be that woman again, and it hurt to see her younger self being so carefree and having belief in everything while Helena had firmly set limits to what she believed was possible. Helena wasn't an optimist, not after everything she'd been through and done. And more than that, it was a constant battle to keep herself from falling into her destructive habits. It was a constant battle to try and find a balance of her emotions, but it was more than difficult for her because she was a creature of extreme emotions. Ever since Christina had died, Helena had been a woman of extremes, always in a chaotic flux. It wasn't until now that she was even able to find some solid ground on which to stand and try to put herself back together.

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agent_bering
2013-10-08 01:07 am UTC (link)

Myka took a deep breath. These were questions she’d asked herself so many times too, despite the fact that she unequivocally loved and had forgiven Helena.

“You’re right,” she started. “I would be completely justified if I hated you for what you did to me and to the others you harmed.” It was a hard truth to tell the woman she loved, but Myka didn’t like pretending the elephant in the room was a small end table. It was best to address that head on. “I’m not blind to what you did. You shouldn’t think I’m pretending you never did those things just because I get hormones sparking jumpy feelings in my head every time I see you.”

Myka shifted then to look more directly at Helena.

“But that’s what love also does. It helps us move on from our mistakes, and the mistakes of those you love. And, of course, there’s more to it. You’re actions since Yellowstone have proven you’re contrite and willing to do what it takes to make amends. Yes, you can’t actually right what you did wrong – no one can return the people you killed to the living – but you’re actions now say you are not going to do that again. And that counts.”

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indelibleink
2013-10-08 01:37 am UTC (link)

Helena took the truth in stride, not shying away from it. She did appreciate it, knowing exactly where she stood.

"No one should pretend I never did those things. I was a heartless killer who sought nothing more than to follow-through with what I wanted." Another hard truth to say, but both of them needed to be open and honest in this for it to have any meaning. Helena's endgame had been to not only put an end to the planet's pain, but specifically to end her own pain and torment. And now because of everything she'd done, she wondered if her torment was worse now.

"You should not rest on thinking I'm not going to do that again. It is not as simple as that," Helena said, setting her tea aside and looking back to Myka. "The things I did, spending over a century being conscious in the Bronze Sector, it changed me. There is a killer in me that will always be there. It is a conscious choice I have to make every single day to not give into it. And I keep choosing to fight it and do what I can to help others. I have taken so much from so many, and I just wish to give whatever I can to others." Helena had often questioned what was left of her to even try and salvage from the wreckage that was her life. But after meeting Myka and coming to know her, she realized that the curly-haired woman tended to bring out the best in her, sometimes even without really trying.

"I suppose I simply do not understand what you see in me that is good. Yes I have helped in retrieving artifacts and ultimately gave my life for you and the Warehouse, but I find it difficult to look past the evil I have done. While you have forgiven me, I don't know how to even begin to forgive myself for what I have done. And that is what my therapist wants me to work on."

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agent_bering
2013-10-08 09:06 am UTC (link)

“But you are committed to doing what you can to prevent yourself from doing that again,” Myka pointed out.

“You’re right, you can’t be summed up simply,” Myka smiled softly. She wouldn’t have Helena any other way. “I realize people are not so simple. But someone who doesn’t want to change or try to make things right wouldn’t accept the consequences of their choices. They wouldn’t agree to have their consciousness converted to a hologram, or give their life to save others, or now seek out therapy to work on the root cause of what drove them to make mistakes. Those are not the actions of an unchanged person, you haven’t just said, ‘Welp, I’m sorry,’ and expected everything to be okay. You’re taking tremendous steps. I look at you and I don’t see my forgiveness wasted.”

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indelibleink
2013-10-08 07:29 pm UTC (link)

Myka certainly had a point, and Helena could see that. Actions did speak louder than words ever could. Helena had done much to try and not be the woman she had been for so long. Yet at the same time, none of what she did felt like it was enough, but that was how the path of redemption was. Even though Helena doubted she could ever truly redeem herself, not completely. There was one thing she'd done that she would never repent for, that she did not feel any guilt for. Then there was the fact her soul was forever tainted by the blood she'd shed, she could never completely remove that.

"I know I readily accepted the punishment for my crimes, but that does not mean I do not have lingering psychological effects from it that make me upset about it." Helena said softly after several moments of silent contemplation had passed. The experience of being in Anakin's body initially had reminded her far too much of being on the Janus Coin, and it had prodded those issues. She didn't like the loss of control over herself like that. "Though I have to say, being bronzed and then being a hologram has made me not take any of my senses for granted any longer," she said, managing a little smile. There was a reason she did touch Myka at any chance she could, and she relished every single touch.

"Affliction comes to us not to make us sad, but sober; not to make us sorry but wise," Helena quoted herself. She looked at Myka, unshed tears in her eyes. She had so much to say, so much that needed to be said, but it was difficult to find what to say next. "I lost myself along the way, but I could not tell you if I am better as the woman who sits here now or as the woman I was before I lost Christina." There were times when Helena wondered if Myka would like the untainted, more optimistic woman she'd been better than the woman she was now.

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agent_bering
2013-10-09 01:09 am UTC (link)

“I know,” Myka said softly. “But, as hard as this is for you to work through, it’s better than feeling complacent about what you’ve done.”

Myka wanted to pull Helena closer into an embrace. But she didn’t want to stifle Helena’s momentum. This was a talk that had been a long time coming, it was necessary for Helena. The more opportunities she had to work out the knot of her past emotions, the better it would be for her on the other end of the journey. That meant not doing anything to tell Helena that talking was done – she needed to let Helena decide that.

Myka contented herself with reaching her other hand to cup Helena’s face.

“You miss who you used to be, don’t you?” Myka gave her closest friend a sad smile of understanding. “I… don’t think you will ever be the same person again. Part of learning to forgive yourself is accepting who you are now. And it’s not going to happen quickly and all at once. And maybe you won’t even realize it as it happens. Years from now, maybe you’ll wake up one morning and for the first time you’ll think ‘the past is where it is at last’. Or maybe every day you’ll be acutely aware of how little you’ve healed, until one day you’ll notice more of you doesn’t feel the pain than does. But you can’t rush it. It won’t work if you try to rush it.”

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indelibleink
2013-10-09 01:56 am UTC (link)

"Of everything I did, there is one thing I am complacent about, one thing I do not regret. Perhaps it makes me a terrible person, but I do not regret what I did to Christina's murderers. That is my one sin I will never repent for." Perhaps it was damaging to have that stance, but Helena really did not feel bad for that course of action. The men had deserved to suffer for what they had done, for cutting Christina's life short in a cruel manner. "But everything else, I doubt if I lived another century that I would be able to properly repent for all my sins."

Helena leaned into Myka's touch, taking comfort and strength from it while savoring the touch.

"How can I not miss her? She was the one with such optimism and vitality. She was the one who could dream of things so impossible and make them tangible if she chose to. She carried such depth of love. She was freer emotionally speaking. Sometimes I wish you would've been able to meet her. Well actually you have given my younger self. She is everything I am not." She looked Myka in the eye, searching them as she listened to the rest of what she had to say. "I have lost who I used to be, and I know I can never be her again. I've been twisted far too much to ever go back. Acceptance is far more difficult than it may seem. I look at myself now and I do not like much of what I see."

Again, she fell silent for some moments. "I do not wish to rush it, but I just want the pain to stop. Just a few hours where nothing hurts and nothing reminds me of the guilt I carry." Helena's voice cracked with emotion and the tears in her eyes were threatening to spill down her cheeks, but she was still holding them back.

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agent_bering
2013-10-09 08:57 am UTC (link)

Myka was hard pressed to come up with a counter to that. She couldn’t honestly say that those men didn’t get what they deserved – who murdered children? If she were in the same situation, maybe he would do just as Helena had done.

“I… don’t think I should be encouraging your vengeful side, but I can’t say what you did to those men who took Christina away from you wasn’t understandable.”

Every word made Myka’s heart ache for Helena all the more. “That’s another consequence you can’t escape, you’ll have to mourn the passing of the person you used to be. But we can find you a way together for you to have those moments of peace. I think you’re doing a commendable job as is, working to make amends. And you’re right; it will take you a long time to do that. But I don’t think you shouldn’t have breaks where you can catch your breath. You need those, too. This isn’t a marathon – this is life.”

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indelibleink
2013-10-09 10:08 am UTC (link)

One corner of her mouth turned upwards slightly in response to Myka's statement. "Perhaps I was a bit over zealous in indulging my vengeance, but I can say there is no danger of a repeat on that front. Unless someone kills you or Claudia here, then all bets are off."

Helena nodded a bit, taking a deep breath to try and still her emotions. Though when Myka notably said the word "together," Helena looked at her, a more genuine smile starting to curve her lips. "Together. I do like the sound of that. I rather think I have been alone and needing to do everything myself for far too long. And you should know, you are the first person to love me that I actually believe when you say it and show it. No one else has known me as completely as you do." There had always been secrets she'd had to keep, some part of herself she'd had to keep tucked away with her previous lovers. But Myka? With Myka she could truly be herself, with everything that encompassed, and despite all of Helena's short comings and darkness, Myka still loved her. And that meant everything to Helena.

But this conversation wasn't quite done yet. "I would like to think had I not been bronzed, things would not have gone so far as my trying to destroy the world. But that is perhaps my somewhat optimistic view and assuming I wasn't killed somewhere along the way. Yes, I know being bronzed was my choice, but I hadn't known one was conscious the entire time. One hundred and ten years of being able to do nothing but think and have the memory of Christina's murder that I'd witnessed upon using my time machine replaying in my mind over and over did quite a large amount of damage. I have been trying desperately hard to repair the amount of it that is repairable. But the experience left its scars, and those aren't exactly something I can talk to my therapist about."

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agent_bering
2013-10-10 10:14 am UTC (link)

“We are a good team,” Myka reminded. Please realize it this time. Myka didn’t want any more bitter sweet conversations with a hologram version of her girlfriend. “I’m here to help you in whatever way I can.”

She fell silent as Helena opened up about being bronzed. Myka could only imagine the experience. She had her own moment of being trapped in Alice’s mirror, but Artie and Claudia had figured out relatively quickly she’d been trapped and how to get her out. Being trapped for a hundred and ten years with only her thoughts for company… it was a terrifying thought.

“I know I don’t have the personal experience to relate, but I’m here to listen. I can only guess at how painful that must have been for you, no outside stimuli to help you take your mind off Christina. But I am here for you.”

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indelibleink
2013-10-10 03:41 pm UTC (link)

"Wells and Bering, solving puzzles, saving the day." Helena replied. This time, she did realize that, and she wasn't going to take Myka or their relationship for granted. "I readily accept your help. I need you, and I mean that in more than one way. You are my strength." It was a reference back to when Helena had told Myka to be brave, that she needed her strength when she was going to let Pete destroy the Janus Coin to save the Warehouse and Emily Lake from Sykes.

"It was a fate worse than death. Being on the Janus Coin was also a fate worse than death, but at least when I was on the Janus Coin, in the times you did not activate the Coin, I wasn't conscious. There was just...nothing." It was hard for her to talk about this subject, but she was trying because she needed to talk to someone about it. "But being bronzed, I had no way to be distracted from my memories. It is no wonder why I was insane by the time MacPherson unbronzed me. It is by no means an excuse, obviously, but it is certainly the reason why I was the way I was. All those decades of my daughter's death playing over and over again in my mind, multiplying my anger and hate and twisting it all within me. Why they came up with bronzing as a way to deal with people like me, I can never understand. It would be far kinder and, in the long run, safer if they just killed us." Helena really would have rather been killed than spend one hundred and ten years being bronzed.

She fell silent again for some moments, remembering something then, and she looked at Myka. "May I ask something of you?"

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agent_bering
2013-10-12 09:58 am UTC (link)

Myka had a more liberal progressive stance on punishment. She didn’t like killing – though in her line of service that had been a duty that would have likely come up. But that was necessary to protect the President, and in keeping the world safe. But she didn’t like the death penalty. She just didn’t like being the arbiter of someone’s right to live. And, when it came to Helena, she was a bit more than biased. If Helena had been killed a hundred and ten years ago, Myka would have never met her.

However, Myka saw Helena’s statement for what it was and what it wasn’t. This wasn’t time to debate the short comings of the death penalty. It was a time to be supportive. So Myka didn’t contradict Helena’s pain.

“What?” Myka was sure there wasn’t anything Helena would ask of her that she would deny the other woman. “Of course, what do you need?”

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indelibleink
2013-10-12 02:05 pm UTC (link)

When she was in her right mind, Helena had an aversion to killing. She had refused to carry a gun when she'd worked at Warehouse 12 despite it being a rule. But after her experience of being bronzed and seeing how easily someone like MacPherson or Sykes could get to someone who was bronzed or otherwise imprisoned by the Regents, Helena recognized the dangers. And despite how dangerous she herself was, given there were people in the Bronze Sector that had been in there far longer than she was, she knew there was a great potential for evil lurking there. It would be far easier if the Regents simply killed them all. It would at least eliminate the threat of anyone on the outside attempting to get in an unbronze them. She would certainly support capital punishment when it was for the benefit of the greater good. Even if she had to be included in that.

Turning to the request she had, Helena brushed some hair behind her ear. "In the future, no matter how angry you may become with me when we have an argument, please do not use Christina against me. When you were here before, we'd had an argument during the course of which you used Christina against me on a public post on the network." Helena looked at Myka, hurt evident in her dark eyes. She had never really forgiven that. While Helena knew she deserved some things being used against her, Christina was most definitely not one of them. And of all people, Myka would, or perhaps should, know that. And it was for the better that Helena come out and say this now instead of continuing to keep it quiet and have it come out in some other, less desirable way later on.

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agent_bering
2013-10-13 09:18 am UTC (link)

“Wait- what?” Myka was utterly floored by that. Not that she was trying to turn the focus of this conversation on to her, but what Helena said was utterly ridiculous. And not that she disbelieved her friend – why would Helena lie about something like that? It was just… so not like Myka! She prided herself on her intuitiveness, her ability to read people. She may have been a nerd that didn’t fit with the social crowd, but that didn’t mean she didn’t understand emotions and how people expressed them. She knew boundaries. Her exclusion from popularity in school had been more to do with her intelligence and know-it-all-ness. Not her lack of social skills.

She did not bring up difficult subjects unless it was her intent to help the other person, or she felt if she didn’t immediate and irreparable harm would result. She didn’t throw things in people’s faces (her banter with Pete was all because Pete encouraged that sort of thing from her, not because she was really trying to wound him.)

“Why?” she shook her head, it was just so hard for her to comprehend. “I mean, I believe you. I just- I just have no memory of doing that and I can’t for the life of me understand why I would do that.” And she needed a moment to fully embrace this truth before she could move forward with Helena's request.

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indelibleink
2013-10-13 05:33 pm UTC (link)

Looking back on the situation, Helena didn't understand why Myka had done that. The younger woman was more careful than to just make those kinds of comments, especially in the heat of the moment. Still, Helena was trying to think of how to explain the situation so Myka could understand better. The fact Myka didn't remember being there before made it a bit trickier to explain.

"I don't really know why. You came down ill shortly afterwards, with a high fever, but that is no reason why. You had traveled to the mountains for a couple days with Charlie Weasley, a friend of yours, to see the dragons. Through a course of events on your post about the trip, you had said you'd come close enough to a dragon to be scorched if it had chose that course of action. You'd told Claudia not to tell me that particular detail but forgot to filter it specifically to her, so I read it and became agitated, of course. Things descended from there, starting with you accusing me of smothering you, then came you using Christina and the fact I am a murderer against me." Really, that argument had so much wrapped up in it.

"If you want, I could find the post for you to read? If you would allow me to use your phone as I did not bring mine with me." It might be better for Myka to read the post, not just have Helena recount what happened in it. Not that Helena was leaving details out, but sometimes how things were worded were important.

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agent_bering
2013-10-14 06:24 am UTC (link)

The only thing Myka could think to make her do something like that was being possessed by Alice – so Artifact whammying. But Myka knew there were no Artifacts here, even if that would have made a convenient explanation, Myka couldn’t just brush it off with that.

“Helena, I’m so sorry,” she started when she found the ability to speak again. “I can’t think of a way to explain that- not to excuse myself, but to give you an understanding why I did that. But I just don’t remember that at all. I’m sorry I did that, and I’m sorry I can’t give you an explanation.”

She didn’t need to see the post to believe Helena. And maybe someday she would go back and read that conversation. But right now, aghast as she was, she just needed to let Helena know she wouldn’t do that again.

“And I won’t, I promise. I won’t use Christina against you again.”

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indelibleink
2013-10-14 08:19 am UTC (link)

There certainly had been a couple occasions where Helena truly wondered about Myka when she'd been here before. Even if the using Christina against her had been some manifestation of resentment the younger woman still harbored against her for her betrayal, Myka still wouldn't be that vindictive. Or at least she shouldn't be. Myka was far more sensitive than that.

Helena knew Myka didn't remember being here before, so she was conflicted by holding this against her. But the fact of the matter was that it had happened. The Victorian woman was notorious for holding grudges, but she didn't want to hold one against Myka any longer. She wanted to forgive Myka despite the fact she probably would never get an answer as to why Myka had said that. But when Myka apologized, this time it did sound sincere whereas when she'd apologized before, the apology itself was buried within a mostly unrelated statement. The first apology hadn't seemed as sincere as it did now. So Helena did take comfort in that. Drawing in a deep breath, she let it out, and with it she let go of the residual anger and pain she held from that experience. And it was a release that Myka could see. Helena's posture relaxed a bit.

"Thank you," she responded. And she believed Myka when she made that promise. At least Helena didn't have to hold onto this any longer. "All I could possibly think of is that you had some residual resentment towards me for my betraying you, but I don't think you would actually use Christina against me even if you were angry. Or I should say I didn't think you would until that particular argument. But I accept your apology, and I believe you. You had apologized for that, but it did not sound sincere, so I hadn't completely accepted it. But I do now."

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