Journal Comm for Ipswich

Snow. We weren't supposed to be anywhere with snow.

Is anyone else out there, or am I alone in this?

I really like my job. Computers make me feel at home, as nerdy as that is. I still miss home. I had access to everything there.

What in the Hell? This thing is more advanced than some of Ray's shit. Is this thing really a phone too?

Ok, anyways, to the point. What the Hell's going on here? Pretty sure I wasn't in this section of Paragon City... honestly not even sure I've ever even been to this section of the city honestly.

Alright, I'm kind of ticked off at this town. I went to church this past Sunday, and as soon as I walked into the door a group of four people splashed holy water on me, and started screeching at me in Latin!

That hurt.

...


So! It's come to my attention that I'm being too mean to the newbies. Therefore, I will now be posting this welcome for all the new people who come by:

Hello new person; my name is (Allen Schreiber, Sir PimpsAlot, Flower Bringer, Horus, Nancy Drew) I am (the Emperor of Pimpland, a very confused individual, a woman in drag, an angel of the Lord, a serial killer) and I am here to welcome you to (Ipswich, Hell, Pimpland, Happy Happy Sin Land, The Land of Flowers).

Unfortunately there is no way back, but the (government, seven youths, witches of Echi, IRS, FBI) are willing to give you (money, booze, a bible, magical powers, cool sunglasses, beans). Until you can get up on your feet.

I am also open to give you (advice, massages, rides, fire shows, magical powers). I am (Allen Schreiber, Sir PimpsAlot, Flower Bringer, Horus, Nancy Drew) and I am (a writer, the eater of vampires, the Master of the Game, the virgin Pimp, a collector of bunnies).

I do hope this has been helpful to you.

- Sir Allen Horus of the Land of Pimps and Flowers

Just thought I would ask since it would be impossible to figure this out all by myself. Besides the vampires you know who you are who or what else do we have here? Supernatural-wise. I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask. It would actually give me a chance to get a mindset on it.

Well isn't this just a lovely little town?


~Nathan
King of Your Mum, Emperor of Internet Porn, Lord of Knicker Removal, Lord of Scrubbers Everywhere, Baron of Rockers, Duke of the Black Stuff, Duke of Petty Criminals, Duke of Slags, Count of the Western Yanks, Emperor of Cock Island, King of Pelvic Thrust

I'm actually starting to like this little town.

PRIVATE: to Elena: It's official, I can't find Bonnie anywhere. She must have found a way back home.

Someone better put me back. I don’t like this game. At all.

I managed to find work in my old field, which actually surprised me; seeing as how this place is kind of small.

Anyway, I used to give advice to people back in my world, and thought I could help the fine people here out. So, three people have been kind enough to write to me.


Dear Allen,

Hi! So like this is so lieeek totally embarrassing, but I have this crush on this dude! What should I do? Because he is sooo hot, and I find myself stalking him a lot!

- Mistress McWinky

Dear Mistress McWinky,

If you really like the guy I suggest dressing up in very skimpy clothing, and standing on a street corner. Your crush will see you, and either give you a good time, or marry you, because he wants to save you.

-Allen Schreiber



Dear Allen,

I find everything so interesting. Why?

- Interested

Dear Interested,

Did you grow up in a sterile environment? The sudden change might explain why you find everything so interesting.

-Allen


Dear Allen,

My kitty ran away, and I miss him. I missy kitty Boo boo Fur. How can I not miss him anymore?

-I Miss my Pussy

Dear I Miss my Pussy,

The Sacred Book of the dead; six black candles; a photo of your cat; the blood of a dead immortal; read the instructions, and your cat will return to you.

-Allen


[ooc: Umm, yeah, all complete BS, nobody really wrote him. Allen's just being a jackass.]

Right, so, in the interest in keeping in practice, I'm offering massages. Yes, I'm very good at them, and no you don't have to get naked. Unless you want to

I HAVE THUMBS!

IT IS VERY NICE TO HAVE THUMBS. IT MEANS I CAN TALK ON THIS PHONE!

I CAN TALK IN MY REAL VOICE TOO. I DO NOT EVEN HAVE MY MASTER'S COLLAR!

MY MASTER IS VERY SMART. HE MADE ME A COLLAR SO THAT I COULD TALK. BUT I DO NOT NEED IT ANY LONGER!

I HAVE THUMBS!

Well, this is interesting.

Right, so first it was Vegas, and now ... Ipswich?

Where next? Antarctica?

Don't suppose anyone I know's come with me? Caspian?

I was at the first Tournament of Roses Parade with Charlotte. New Year's celebrations aren't what they used to be.

New Year's is coming.

Padre estara ofendido. No bien.

How do they expect you to use this thing? The buttons are tiny.

Right. Going to guess this isn't England even if it's got the weather for it, because last I checked, Isaac didn't have a burned up barn in his backyard. I really need to get back; full moon's coming.

Vampires. Seriously now? How are you supposed to react to that?

Okay, so I know I'm stuck in a wonderful place where probably half of you don't know what the hell Christmas is. Now I'm feeling quite generous, so I thought I'd share the story with everyone!

A long time ago there lived this woman, but she wasn't just any woman though; oh no! She was a goddess. Back then people had deities for everything, and this one was the goddess of dirt and fertility. Right, so one day she decides to visit her sister who just so happens to be the goddess of oil, and wooden trinkets. So the younger sister visits, and the elder sister announces that she's pregnant.

Nine months later, a grown man came out from a cave, and a bunch of star-gazers, and sheep herders were amazed at the site! So enchanted were they that they decided to create the first ever department store! Then they immediately convinced everyone to buy a bunch of crap, and give it to people.

And this is why we celebrate Christmas; to celebrate the birth of the first department store!